Face pressed to the pavement
Inhale
Exhale
“Is she alright””
“What is she on?”
I close my eyes and listen as a laugh bubbles out of my mouth
Smoke drifts by on lazy wind
Pass the bottle round the circle
The sun casts long silhouettes as the day struggles to end
Peace
He throws me over his shoulder and we swim in laughter and carelessness
He’s so skinny
We all pile into a heap of bodies in the grass
Tangled up in drug addled murmurings
Here with my life
Here with my dreams
Wrap me up in this chemical safety
This is where I live
In this place of poisoned innocence
This breathtaking recklessness
This is where I found hope
This is where my heart lies
This is where my life after death continues
Don’t let this moment end

That side of me
Its ugly and disgraceful
Manipulative and jealous
Insecure and angry
Fragile and sharp
To bury this side
To smother it
To cut it into pieces would be a breath of fresh air

Anne came and  left  but I remember  the sweet  cider and the wood stove, the smell of her paints. She sings songs from Chicago, and brings to life the northern lights on the canvas, the wolves, the scenes. Her songs, the guitar she plays. She croons about damaged men and neglected love. Country and blues, telling me about the costume she has for her next bar song night, her singing partner will be a Patsy Cline look alike. Anne makes Saskatoon jam, tucks me in on the couch, and tells me stories.
We walk along the trails on the acridge, Anne tells me about plants we see, like the pea vine. She encourages me to climb the tallest trees. She hears me sing and sees promise, talent, a dream waiting to happen. She gets me into theater, one of the greatest gifts I've ever received.
She brings me flowers to my shows and I always find her in the big crowds.
I remember the painting, the beautiful field with billowing clouds lazily crossing the sky in the wind. It was in the apartment that she shared with her boyfriend. He had an awful temper and it took more than it should have for Anne to finally leave him.
She stayed with us for a while, a few lovely months before leaving.
It was a few years after she disappeared before I found the demo CD of Anne singing her country and blues. Sometime I just sit and play it on repeat, its a treasure, a gateway to all those memories.
Memories of a proud and beautiful woman who helped shift my life in the direction of art and creation. A woman who was there when I was an infant and when I was a child.
I love Anne and the memories she left in her wake. Anne came and left but I remember everything.

You're a dumb dude
Secretly filming the ****
You do shady *** **** and write poems about it
35 and writing like your 15
With poems like yours it's not hard to be mean 
Your just a man out of his prime bent on the obsene
The cops coming to your house clearly didn't freak you out
So maybe I'll tell your mom what your all about.

You **** and I hate everything about you. Stop writing poems about me.

Ashes are left
Ashes and gin soaked pages
Ashes and shaking hands at breakfast
Ashes and bruised knuckles
Ashes and losing him
Ashes and the absence
Ashes and memories
Me hitting the floor vision clouded over with black
His hand on the back of my head lifting me out of shock and back into the world
His ashes and absence wears my mind thin
His arm draped around me, drunken stumble up the steps
His ashes and my flesh won't mix
His ashes and my heart won't mix
His ashes blow away in the wind every time

Rippling up with a chill and a distorted craving for warmth. The sigh escapes and swims for the atmosphere before it dies in our sea of forgetfulness.

Flickering to the right, slanting downward is a cry that begs for return or release, a desperate yearning for home. A home that torched itself with its poisonous tongue far too long ago. The cry sifts through the ashes and charred bits of hope finding nothing but loss.

I can hear it
Calling for understanding
On my skin and in my bones
It pollutes my veins
Craves an escape hatch
Pounds at my rib cage
Paces behind my eyes
Screams to be let free
It doesn't know that there is a lock
And I don't have the key

My bipolar will make sure I'm alone
It will take all the fun parts of my relationship
It will take the playfulness
It will take away kisses in the kitchen
Stealing the tickles and wrestling
Killing the early morning giggles
It's eating my relationship from the inside out
Its going to eat all the things I loved about being in love
He's gonna hate me
I will be alone before he leaves
I will make him hate me
And I can't turn it off

I used to dream about running away with you
Your gone now
I'm still running
Your shadow nipping at my heels
If I could wash my brain
I would choose this pain instead
The sharp reminder has always been more comfort than silence
No one fills the shoes you left
No one fills your mold
No one fits quite like you did
And you blew it all away
Brain washed by bullet
If I could conjure you as a saint in a higher place this could be easy
I can't
Bones burned
Belongings dispersed
Sharp reminder and silence echoing in your wake
Years will pass and I will hear that shot echo loud and clear

The cup crashes to the floor, it shatters spitting it's contents out. The man smiles, he squats. He carefully scoops the broken porcelain into his left hand. He squeezes tight. Blood drips from his clenched fist and hits the cool tile mixing with the spilt tea. The florescent lighting swings overhead. His smile is now just clenched teeth. The only thing in his life that he has any kind of a grip on are the sharp peices cutting into his hand. The ground lurches up at him quickly. His head bounces off the floor and his hand unclenches releasing ****** peices of porcelain. Hes having a hard time remembering, what's his name? what's his name? Did he drink out of the broken cup? what was in it? Where is he? His head jerks up off the floor face wet with tea and blood.

The floor is hardwood, it needs to be refinished badly. The light flickers and switches off. He struggles to his knees and hears a shuffling in the shadows. He freezes and a dim blue light fills the room. He flexes his hand and the remaining peices of porcelain fall off and hit the ground, they make such a satisfying sound. He turns scanning the room unable to decipher the shadows.

Drinking and inhaling
Looking for a wild distraction
Finding nothing but that hollow room
It’s cold and brutal
With no doors
No windows
A dim light hangs above
Swinging slightly
In time with the pulsing
The pulsing of above and bellow
I pulse too
In this dim light
This shaking oblivion that resides within
I will burn this place
I will burn this ruin to the ground  
And I will burn with it
Inhaling the flames of my prison
Inhaling the flames deep into my lungs
I will not exist in misery
I will burn
Burn with the fire of life
And as I am reduced to embers and ashes
I will scream
**“I am here!”
“I am here and I am alive!”

Cigarettes and sweet alcohol
That's what you taste like
It's cold here but you're warm
Your mouth
Your hands
All over my skin
This moment
This roughness
This sweet sensation
This illusion
I hope we meet again

My skull echos loudly
Inside are roaring thoughts
Pounding like waves crashing into ships
I need quiet, I need tranquility
Perhaps if I opened the lid of my scalp
I could spill out all the excess noise
As I sew my scalp in place Clarity would whisper in my ear "peace is yours dear"
Clarity sweeping her delacate fingers across my restless bones
The rattling would stop
The roaring would silence
At the touch of Clarity 's shimmering skin

Chunks of brain litter the ground
Thoughts and dreams settle on the water like oil
Swirling and colliding in the night air
The sky breathes a great sigh
The land shivers cold
I stand where the sand meets the sea
A creature perched on my tongue
Side to side leaning preparing to soar out across the endless black above and below
I step into the inky waters, my legs disappearing beneath the surface
Wading out into calm waters that drop off to unknown depths
What swims below
Would they turn me away if I went sinking down
If I tried to become part of that dark world, untouched by human hands
Would I glow from the inside
If I sank down would my internal smouldering light the way
Would I be welcome with the squid and the murk
Would those quiet unmarred creatures sorround and keep me
Would the large eyes and many limbs understand the depths I must reach
Would they bring me down and help bury me in the silt at the bottom
Would they sweep the fine particles across me
Covering and comforting my restless skin
Would the dark and the stillness there bring the calm I crave
Would I be put to rest
Would I find peace

darling they've found the body
curled up among the leaves
echoing the quiet decay
savoring the dying day

darling they've found the body
crying under the porch
choking on the insects
still she swallows more

pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose
pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose

darling they've found the body
on you're side on the bed
shes wearing white sheets
there are no eyes in her head

darling they've found the body
sitting in your place
talking with your voice
wearing half your face

pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose
pull out the nails
unwrap the barbed wire
cut the noose

darling they've found the body
her hands are around your throat
settling into indents
she put there long ago

darling they've found the body
they dig her up
wherever we go

You've infected my head.
Even in death I write of you.
My muse.
Stomping my head into the earth with every word.
A deadly gangrene.
A poison in my tea.
I lay my head against the curb bracing for the next crushing blow.
I let the infection spread.
I drink the poison down.

Dead men dance through my dreams
Singing a sickly song
Telling me that the light is gone
I want to drink down his favorite poison
Help me hold on to those tiny shards left behind
Let the taste of liquor remind me of his intoxicating presence
Dead men with silver tongues singing and screaming in my head
Was the bullet enough
Did it ease his pain

Bits of me unlock and let go
Floating past what remains of my eyes
I am made of so many colourful peices
I exhale the last of my lungs
A pink cloud shimmers in front of my face
Lighter and lighter as my body departs
Floating upwards where the air is thin
Raindrops falling between the flecks of me
My being stretched just as thin as the air I travel through

My heart has control of my tongue
And the poet has heard me speak
Trespassing with his words of silver
And a lock on his heart
He waltzes onto the stage again
Wearing his drunken emotions like a robe
Dripping with resentment
I am like all the others
Another stepping stone
Or a cliff to jump off of
Another reason to drown
Barb wire crowns
An electric throne

I sit here in the glowing warmth, the fire pushes back the cold night and I pick bits of the forest from my hair. Tonight I took more effort to hide the flames from view, it was the way he watched me. Unsettling and uncomfortable. Piercing. I left bits of burning birch to to ward off the obvious gaze with distraction. First night I've been afraid out here. The fire offers comfort but only against animals.
The unwanted man is another matter entirely.

I've got a craving
A craving to feel the ground beneath my feet
To cover as many miles as I can
I've got to get out
get away
Distance the only measure of progress
Detach and disappear
Clean break
Amputation without a phantom itch
So tired of this steel and glass cage
City structures and the suffocating stench of decline
I feel it in every pore and cell
Run
I feel the decay devouring me
Get out of this poisonous atmosphere
Before it kills you

Guthrie is a man made of garbage
His dreams they rot and leak
He has banana peel hair
Hes got old martini olive eyes
But did you see him before the light died
Years ago
Way back to a time when charm and wit flowed freely from his mouth
His tongue a silver spoon
His dealing hand like a golden talon
Tryna ***** the light out
His feet the vehicle taking him to paradise
He says "you only live once, better live the burning life."

I wake up alone
It's a cold shock
Hands clutching the sheets where a few minutes ago I imagined that familiar warmth
His hands scarred from fights and glass
Wrists bruised from cuffs
"Sorry I didn't get back to you, I was arrested then hospitalized"
Gone
My hands ache
My chest aches
"You deserve sweet things"
He was wrong

My grandfather was there
We were sat down at the kitchen table
He was telling my about my hands
Said that I had writers hands
Artists hands
Painters hands
Hands like Anne 
My grandfather was drinking 
He was always drinking
Anne was pacing around 
Angry at him
Angry at him for being drunk
Again
Angry at him for being an alcoholic 

My brother and grandfather in my room
We listen to music
My brother asks my grandfather why he's not with Anne anymore 
I don't remember the reply
I remember him saying that he still loved Anne 

The door bell rings 
Its late 
I'm supposed to be asleep 
Grandfather at the door
Im watching from the stairs 
He's talking to my father
Says he needs money quick
Asks for three hundred 
My father gives it to him no questions 
My grandfather leaves 

It's Christmas 
Grandfather shows up to everyone's surprise 
He's there with no presents 
I was just glad he was there
He told me he had a necklace for me
He just had to pick it up from a friend 
I knew better though
He fell asleep on the couch 
Im glad he was there 

Its bobbys funeral
My grandfather is there
He's unhappy 
He's tired 
I don't remember much of him that day

Im at the swimming pool with my friends 
Waiting for my dad to pick us up
My grandfather is there
I haven't seen him in a while
He's so skinny
I know he's still using
He doesnt recognize me

Family dinner 
Dinner is served late
As always 
Grandfather is there 
He's showing my friend some dance steps he learned
Mentions his new lady friend 
He seems happy

My family moves half way across the country 
Leaving Edmonton behind
The next time I hear news about my grandfather its from my father
He saw my grandfather at my great grandmothers funeral 
He's still using and it shows
He's skinny
He's lost teeth
He's sick 

But I'll always remember the time in the kitchen 
I'll always remember when he told me I had writers hands
Artists hands
Painters hands
Like Anne

Twisted brain shiver spine tickle
Morbid curiosity has the wheel and lead feet
The torch is melting your face
Death beats you with a fire extinguisher
Death keeps screaming "it's for the irony"
You high five with exuberance.

So I woke up feeling crushed and sad, my anxiety and my depression were screaming. My intrusive thoughts woke before I did.
So I fight back with hope.
Science and hope until my negativity feels so small in a universe so vast.
So small against the wonder of the universe, how small my hurt is amongst the vast light of countless suns. How insignificant in comparison to the depths of the oceans and the power of storms and solar flares. I am small, so is my hurt, I am strong enough to shoulder and carry it long enough to feel the wonder overtake me.

I wear long coats and leather boots
I wear long billowing skirts
My hair dark and curly
I sing the blues
I drink gin and smoke ****
I put the joint out with my finger tips
I hike and make music with strangers
I read poetry and politics
I am friendly and confident
I go to sunshine and music
I dance bare foot
I walk with beasts
I tread lightly over the dead
I see birds gather and hear my name called
I look down
I see dirt
I see myself
I see growing and potential
I am not done growing yet
I have not reached the canopy
I have not caressed the sun
I wait, biding my time
I collect pieces of the dead
I remember and take heed

It trembles on a pedestal of glass and sand
A single beam of light pierces through the emptiness to illuminate its shaking
Its face of silver mirror reflecting light that disappears into the void
Frost coats the edges in the most delicate web, it shimmers with every angle
What odd eyes scan the depths of this isolation
Endlessly black bottomless pupils searching tirelessly
Eyelashes echoing arachnid origins flutter, meet and part
Sharp angled cheeks cut through the stillness with ease
A stillness of the mouth makes a parting of lips rare and foreign

The eyes flutter closed
Arachnid lashes meeting and locking
The lips part
Soft sighing escapes
The lips craddling its birth

I want to touch my feelings.
I want to reach down my throat to pluck away at my vocal cords and play a most destructive tune.
I want to rip my skull open and sift through the gritty things that live there, pull them out and drape myself in those raw thoughts and half ideas.
I want to carve a fantasy from my flesh in a beautiful juxtaposition of depravity and innocence.
I want to devour every inch of skin, get lost in that tangled ecstasy, that increase of breath and the rolling back of eyes at the power of my finger tips.
I want to spiral into the most elegant chaos, out of control and completely at home.
I’m craving excess on all levels.
All frequencies requiring more.
I am Gluttony and there is not a thing in this world that I cannot consume.

I am a tight knot of chaos and impulse
I am erratic, spinning in a wild off kilter dance
I am poison to the beautiful things I love
I turn them sour with my touch

I have the power
I hold the key
The scales are tipped in my favour
Just like I knew they would be
I like that your heart beats in my hand
I like that I could hurt you on a whim
It's twisted
But I've always been this wicked
I can be the air that keeps you alive
I can be the poison that breaks you down
You'll know when I decide

Do I take a clonazepam
Do I take a seroquel
Do I take the new antipsychotic
Tight skin
Tight skin
Tight skin
If i smoke **** do I long term fertilize my paranoia
Is there a way to live without sedation
Tight skin
Tight skin
Tight skin
Agitation
Irritation
Sensitivity
Anxiety
Paranoia
The collective static of the tension spots

Internal screaming
Waiting for the clonazepam to kick in

I like being a tangled mess of arms and legs
All wrapped up
Interlocking pieces
Comfortable and close
I know you want more than I can give
I know you want my trust
Do you know that I'm a liar
Do you know that there are times that I will hate every time you touch me
Do you know that I will want to be alone
Do you know that I will resent you
Don't push what this is
Don't push for more than I can give
Just lay with me when I'm close
And let me be when I'm far
I don't love you
I don't want to
I don't need to
Don't expect me to change

oh I know you, I've seen what you can be
I love them
The drinker, the dealer, the liar, the drunk, the smoker, the fighter, the dreamer, the disenchanted, the lost, the chained, the hated, the loathing, the trapped, the fearful, the coward, the talker, the silent, the crooked, the deceiver, the crippled, the troubled, the twisted, the trembling, the abusive, the cold, the cruel, the painful
I love them I love them I love them

I love you
For all the times I didn't say it
For all the times you didn't know it
I love you
For every breath you questioned it
For every bit of hurt
I love you
For every time I cut you off
For everything I do wrong
I love you
For the lines crossed
For the tears lost
I love you

Shadows slash across the field as smoke and saxophone lull the tense muscles of my back.
Inhale smoke.
Exhale soul.
Streetlights paint the road orange and pollute the night above.
Sirens and hum of the city permiate the air.
Inhale smoke.
Exhale mind.
Doors locked to keep out strangers sweating with desperation.
Lights off to hide from supposed watching eyes.
Inhale smoke.
Exhale self.

In the trees
It is cold now
The wind creeps up and a chill trickles down my spin
The trees moan with the wind
I sink down to the soil
Laying down and shoving my fingers into the earth
They stretch and twist, flesh become plant
Not fingers but roots
Green shoots growing out of my body
Eyes turned towards the sky
Moon painting my face with pale light
A stunning realisation as I hear without ears
The trees do not moan, they sing
The wind sings
The earth hums with life
This is what I dreamed of
This is all I could ever need

I wake up in his arms
I barely remember his name
But he’s one of the sweetest I’ve ever been with
When I go to wake him he pulls me close and asks for ten more minutes
I love the way he touches me
The soft trailing of his fingers on my spine
His whisper of a kiss on my shoulder
Such intimate affection between us
I’ve only known him for a few hours
And I don’t know if I’ll see him again
But for now I’ll just breathe this moment in and soak up these gentle kisses

Jane holds the pencil in her hand
She uses it to get the thoughts out of her head
Now they won't come out
Time for a new tactic
She swings her clenched fist at her ear
The squelch is felt more than heard
Again and again she gouges the thoughts from her brain
Thoughts pool dark red in her lap
She finally shut them up
Eyes closed
Relaxed sigh
Alone in her head again
Jane fades out

We carried his body back to shore. There was nothing we could do to stop this man hellbent on self destruction. He planned it out and wanted it more than anything. Here we are left to clean up, left to drag his corpse back to shore. His old weathered skin still holding that final smirk of satisfaction. I hope the water brought him peace, I hope the water calmed the war in his head.
Everything else is best left unsaid.
Goodbye old friend.

Have you ever heard of medication induced bipolar.
Three years of complete insanity.
None of it was me. It wasnt me. It never came from me.
I sit on the same couch hallucination free. Such ******* clarity. It all makes sense. I was never paranoid, the medication was paranoid. I could scream till my lungs collapse "IT WASNT ME. NONE OF IT WAS MY FAULT. I WASNT MYSELF"
I was loaded with antipsychotics that made me psychotic.
The second I made my environment safe and came off the prescriptions it all went away.
It was never me.
I wasnt myself.
It wasnt my fault.
I dont have to blame me.
All of it was drugs and environment.
I was grieving the death of my first love and I was ***** in my own home where I thought I was safe. I snapped and I thought it was my fault. It wasnt insanity it was a normal human response to trauma and grief. I was just a person hit with some painful events. I was just a human brain trying desperately to cope with my reality. I didnt **** my relationship, I wasnt crazy, it wasnt me, I didn't do it. It was never me.

Shaking hands
My stomach and heart have switched place
My lungs have left home
The wall is down
I’m rebuilding it in time for tomorrow
Re-establishing apathy
If I had something that made feeling easier
I’d use it

I hear that bitter sweet voice
Sharp and cloying
She's so beautiful
But cold and spiteful
Leaving traces of her touch
"I'll take you away from this"
I won't listen to her
I reach out to something safe
No answer
She gains confidence with every ring
No anwer
"Remember my sweet release"
I try again stretching up clawing out of the pit
No answer
I stop reaching
She has my attention

He sprints across the field
Navigating obstacle after obstacle
Addiction, illness, depression
Bits of him flying off into the distance
His hope, dreams, will
He's falling apart, getting smaller
Propelling himself forward regardless of his destruction
The finish line is a bullet
There is no applause

Count them
There are more all the time
Adding up
I find them everywhere
And its vindication
If I just meet more
If I just make more want me
If I just make more need me
Then I'll feel good
Then I'll feel less empty
I toy with them all at once
I need more
Not enough
Not enough