I stand amidst chaos, lost in the haze,
Reaching for you, but your gaze never strays.
The one I once sought, my refuge, my guide,
Is no longer waiting where hope used to reside.

You, my constant in a world so unkind,
Now absent, like others who’ve left me behind.
Perhaps you've surrendered, as they all have too,
Given up on the soul you once held true.

So now, I'll play the role they’ve designed,
Proving them right with the scars in my mind.

No, I haven't abandoned the fight within me,
I’ve merely become what they forced me to be:
Friendless, loveless, and cold as the stone,
A shadow that lingers, lifeless, alone.

-fir.m

I am noise, I am flame,
I am fury, unbound pain.
Rage and storm, blood and fire,
I am chaos, raw desire.

I am wonder, I am strife,
The raw, unyielding pulse of life.
I am art in its truest form,
Brilliant, fierce, a cosmos reborn.

-fir.m

Those eyes, so striking;
Hiding such deception
   •looking only to gain
Not to save and restore
But to corrupt and pain
Yet, I let you love me
For I am filth, ensured
To give you everything
For just your phony love
For just your presence.

Those lips, so intoxicating;
Dishonest with such precision
     •Each word a poison, sweetly steeped,
To keep my heart in darkness deep.
Your potion’s spell will never wane,
Your charms both thrilling and profane.
Though forged in falsehood, they delight,
And I, mere human, seek their light.
Your deceit becomes my fragile tether,
Your lies preserve my stormy weather.
Oh, how I need this tempest, fierce and wild
To soothe my chaos, broken and beguiled.

That touch, so mesmerizing;
Fatal with such bruising intent
    •love, it is you, and you alone
That can wreck me so beautifully
Each caress, a dagger cloaked in silk,
Each bruise, a hymn, each tear, a thrill.
You play my mind, a victor proud,
And I’m enthralled, your captive bowed.
Your hands both clothe and strip my soul,
Fulfilling voids, making me whole.

That presence, so alluring
A beauty borne of aching torment.
•Yet here I stand, my burdens vast,
Ignoring how my weakness casts
Its shadow on the strength you feign,
Your love a balm, a binding chain.
I see you trying, in your way,
To love me how your heart conveys.
And though it burns, I crave the flame,
For in your ruin, I find my name.

-fir.m

A distant shimmer, a mirage of water,
Dancing on the edge of a scorched path's border.
Born of heat and refracted light,
Like intimacy’s clash—its endless fight:
A step closer, and it slips farther.

Happiness, too, wears a fleeting guise,
Always just beyond desperate eyes.
Eluding even the fiercest demands.
No matter the cost, no matter the stride,
It lingers just out of reach, then hides.

And so the future drifts and flows,
Day by day, person by person, lows by lows.
No matter how "happily ever after" is sold,
How rainbows shine after storms grow cold,
Or how the tunnel defends its lighted ends,
For some, the chaos never bends.

Fairytales, dreams, hopes retold—
For certain hearts, they never unfold.

-fir.m

For so long i've worked hard to not expect.
I've trained relentlessly not to be needy.
I've been good to deserve better.
And i've closed doors to avoid aching intruders.

For too long i've allowed myself to stop myself
From wanting anything more than everything
And thence you came with your perfection
Oozing optimism for everything and more

So for a while I recklessly permitted myself to have expectations,
To feel deserving, to open my doors
To wanting everything and to wanting you
And like all good things it was great, until you were through.

So right now, my heart is breaking into a million pieces,
For unmet expectations and unrequited longing. And maybe that's good;
For in the future you'll serve as a reminder
The perfect reason for tightly shut doors
Even though what's inside most definitely
Deserves anything, everything and more.

-f.irm

You said that my words were bitter
You said my tone sounded harsh
As if I was on a mission to hurt you
As if I'm the villain in this story.

It hurts that you can't see right through me
It really hurts that you look, but you can't see me
I truly thought we were better than this...
I thought we knew each other better than this.

My words may have been bitter and my tone harsh
But it's only because contradiction spells my heart
I want to hate you, eradicate you from my life
I want you to come back to me and love me until I die.

I don't know what to do anymore, I can't ignore you
I can't not see you, to not feel you, to not breathe you.
Obliviate what ruined us? If only you were willing to try.
What do I do? God, why do I pine for someone like you?

If only you could see all these words meant for you
Would you then be able to see me, not think I'm harsh?
Would it make you pity me or give you the courage to try?
to try for this bitter girl who was once just on a mission to love you until the day she dies.

-fir.m

How is it that I mean so little to you?
When I cry my whole heart out blue
How is it fair that I'm the one crying every night?
When you're out there living your best ******* life
Do I really mean so little to you?
After all these years of us being perfectly dued
To this thing called love...
How can I mean so little to you?
You ******* *******.

-fir.m

I have this really amazing friend,
Her name is Radha.
She's great, she deserves the world ♡
She once witnessed me in pain
And she said to me,
"Fairy, get a pen and a book and just start writing.
Anything that bothers you.
Anything you wanna talk about but can't find words to say.
Anything you want out of you,
just write it..."

I admired her approach; it's really great!
'Cause I do write, and it does help...
It helps me to listen to myself clearly,
Without my brain jumbling up my thoughts,
And without my heart shaking in my chest.
But what if she knew,
About the things I write about...
About the things that I constantly think about,
About the things I dream about,
The things I ache about?
What if she knew,
**** even the things that I laugh about,
About the things I can't say out loud,
About the things I burden this site about..?
What if she knew?

-fir.m

I always throw these really cool birthday parties
And I always invite a bunch of people
From Near and far
And have always made loads of effort into making it perfect;
The right venue, the correct menu,
For all the people old and new-
In whatever childish attempt to make myself feel like I am loved
To help myself to feel that I am loved,
But I can not recall the last time I had a birthday
Where I didn't wish that I wasn't born.

-fir.m

I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep,
I hope that one day, after my debts to this world have been paid,
I do not wake.

-fir.m

I swear it, I'm not suicidal or anything,
But do you know how hard it is to breathe,
It's so hard that I just wished that I stopped.

-fir.m.

Living was easier when we thought that pain was only given to us by criminals, vile humans & enemies.

-fir.m

You see,
The thing
About love
Like
Daphne's and Simon's
And love
Like
Anthony's and Kate's
Is that
It is a love
So beautiful
So heart wrenching
But it is a love
That is only found
in the spectacles of
Great performers and
Electric artists
It is a love
That exists solely
In the world of
Cinematography and
In the pages of
A fine book
Only brought to life
By the our very own
Human nature
Our very own
Human desire
To want
To feel
To need and
To experience more
Just more...

-fir.m

We live in a world surrounded with friendly monsters
disguised as friends, family, relatives and folksters.
Be wary of whom you let tame you
and be wary of whose cage and stables you enter into
for it will be invisible behind pretty smiles
hidden behind small talks and small walks in dangerous aisles
a journey seeming utterly beautiful like snowflakes in winter
but in reality, they’ll all use you, disgrace you and leave you bitter.

-fir.m

I suppose I should be happy,
My God gave me a blessing by taking away my blessing,
The blessing I was so confused about.
My dear, my precious Firdous.

I suppose I must be happy,
Every inch of my brain is telling me to be happy,
But why is there a ringing in my ears;
And so much weight on my chest,
It's so **** aggravating.

I suppose I could be happy, except that I;
I demand silence,
I demand peace,
I demand anything but to feel like this-
Worthless, insignificant, trash.

I suppose I am happy,
To be the puppet of a universe filled with
So much standard anomalies...
That the universe did not curse me to ****** my own kin...
that I didn't curse my precious with a life...

Oh the little things we tell ourselves to make it easier to live for another day,
Oh but I suppose, I suppose its necessary.
It's **** necessary.

Goodbye my precious. ♡

-fir.m

What does it take to be good enough?

Anybody?


I'm so tired of not being good enough..
Tired tired tired..  😭

My fiery red heart is in the darkness
Its beat is suffocating, it’s almost breathless
As every second goes by, it slows easily
And with it every cell, every atom cries for help, warily.
It’s fighting so hard every day and every minute for its survival
But I can’t help but feel even demise seems like a better call;

Oh dear hands of relentless agony,
release my heart, return my sanity.
Oh great hands that own me,
return the good part of life ever so willingly.
I'll go along my way, away from you,
Away from this tension to anything and everything new,
Anything that’ll replace this suffocating pressure!
Anything that’ll release me from this trap laid for me to suffer!

Oh tight grips of confinement, please,
From this disgusting displeasure- put me at ease.
Allow me the privilege to feel anything other than this
TORTURE, SADNESS, PAIN, I beg- open your fists.

Oh Great hands that tugs my fiery red heart,
Return it to me before I lose all my colour to this dark.
I plead to you Oh Great Hands that possess me;
Open your fists, release your grip, gently put me down and gracefully leave me be...
For everything and anything outside your existence isn’t that bad.
I just want returned to me all the innocence I once had.

Oh Great Hands of unhappiness, what do you want from me?
Have I not given you enough? What more could you possibly need? Love, maybe?
But I will never love you.
I can never love you.
I refuse to ever love you.
Oh great hands of antagonizing pain,
I’ll never see the true beauty of this life if you keep me this chained.

What is that? Your words aren't very clear!
Tell me if it's right- the words that I hear;
"Oh my precious, it is you who is the beholder of this chain.
It is you who’s holding on to something without healthy gain.
These grips have long released you from this displeasure ,
Oh my darling, it is you who is refusing to be free, refusing closure!"

Oh Great Hands that had me, return and bind me into this darkness where we once played,
bind me to you so at least I have someone to blame for this weight that never seems to fade.
Oh Great Hands that opened their fists, hold on to me and take me away from this world,
it’s not as beautiful as I thought, take me away and hide me like a pearl.
I swear I’ll not complain anymore, I swear I’ll not fight you, I swear I’ll love you.
I swear I’ll love you and all the pain you come with ever so blue.

Oh Great Hands, I beg you, please save me-----

From myself...

-fir.m

The breeze flew effortlessly between us
and I begged for it to be enough or even just
enough to pull me with my everything apart from you.
With my toes in the sand that seems so blue
I refuse to allow my eyes to meet yours
afraid that in your dark galaxy I see her
and afraid that my eyes will scream the lullaby
of just how much your name means to me.

I’m trembling to the thought of you
knowing how much of my heart you’ve wooed
for many years it was in your deathly grasp
and for many years I’ve maintained this mask.
I’ve kept my vulnerability safe for so long
away from your knowledge was where it belongs
simply because I’m afraid of how small I’ll become
of how insignificant I’ll be to a heart that was so numb.

I don’t want to seem irrelevant on your end
for I was a good friend, a great friend
and it aches me to allow you to see
that the good friend, the great friend I seem to be
was only a camouflage I used to keep
my love, my desire, my everything hidden deep
deep away from you for I refuse to be like one of them;
the pets you treat with little to no respect but thinks they’re all gems.

What does it take to be a gem in your life?
Does it take a threat; with a pen, a gun or a knife?
Or does it take laying bare aside you not giving you a hard time?
Paying for all your lies with every feeling, every desire and every dime?
Pretending to be a fool like all your pets, and hope just hope…
That one day you’ll reward me for all the pain that I’ve coped?
A good friend, a great friend isn’t enough for me anymore
play the pet, buy the lies, **** the modesty, become the *****?

-fir.m

Here you were thinking
Woww life is really great
When you have people that love you
When you have people that cherish you
When you have people that adore you
But what if, just what if thats all just in your mind
What if you made up this fantasy in your head
About everything you've ever wanted
And everything you've ever craved for
And told yourself that it exists
What if you play scenarios that happen in one way and interpret it in three ways
Multiplying the actual meaning of the scenarios
What if you give credit to a person for being themselves but themselves is a liar
What if no matter if that liar is a liar you're happy with it
As the fantasy in your head is unwilling to let go of the part that liar plays
But what if there's more than one liar
What if they're all liars
What if they've only told you what they wanted you to hear because you have high expectations of them
And they know this and you know this
So technically it's not their fault for being on the pedestals you've placed them on
It's not their fault that you're unwilling to accept the garbage of this world
It's not their fault that you keep fantasizing about a happy life with any and everyone that can adore you
What if, just what if you can actually find that someday?
What if you never find that
You're tired of actively searching for people to give you what you can give them
You're tired of being this woman that expects
And expects
And expects
Should you or could you maintain this fantasy without completely
And utterly falling apart
From shame, from pain from torment
Or should you just let it all go and just..
Just ....

-fir.m

I remember when I was the girl running in everyone's inbox everytime something went sour with them.
I remember when I talked with both parties of friendships or any other relationship and translated how they actually felt because they were too upset to actually hear each other out.
I remember still being constantly behind them even though they clearly didnt want me there.
I remember throwing concern all over the place trying to fix everything that went wrong simply because I don't like things going wrong.
I remember forcing people to breathe each other's air because they were too fixated in breaking something that was once good.
I remember crying with them when their hearts broke every single time, even though I kept advising them ways to avoid that pain.
I remember being too nice to people that I knew were taking advantage of me.
I remember putting my own lovelies and my own families behind to solve the trigonometries of people's lives.
I remember no one holding my head up on days that built a mountain on my back.
I remember being selfish because I wanted someone to hug me when I cried.
I remember being a bad daughter because I didn't get the bread she asked me for and because my boring depressing excuse couldn't quite cut it.
I remember telling people to no longer tell me about their issues if they weren't going to take my advise when I give them and I remember holding those same people together despite of them being stupidly stubborn.
I remember being left out on several occasions because I just didn't suit the crowd and because I am too much.
I remember never being too much and I remember becoming too much to fix the awkwardness in any air.
I remember making myself the fool to raise another person's soul.
I remember remaining the fool because that's just how everyone else began to see me.
How do i revert to being the girl who was outcasted for years because she didn't share everyone else's opinion to being the girl that suppressed hers just to feel some sort of acceptance?
I remember being called a ***** because I supported someone else's choice to follow her heart rather than to be stuck in a relationship that only made her insides crumble by every second.
I remember when they said I didn't love my father because I refused to bawl at his funeral.
I remember being by his side all the nights he was in pain for years to and from three different hospitals with little to no sleep and still make it to work in the morning.
I remember how my brother told him that he hated him and how much it broke my heart to see his heart broken.
I remember always being left last because I wasn't old enough to know yet always being left to do things on my own because I was smart to enough to go complete all the legal requirements for certain necessities.
I remember being silenced of everything I believed and loved and felt because I was too young and I was too naive.
I remember loving someone to the point where I erased my value from this earth.
I remember being cheated one over and over and over again and I remember staying and I remember all the promises and I remember all the times those promised meant less and I remember the time when it meant nothing.
I remember being used for *** umpteen times but the one time I wanted a friend with benefits relationship it made me a ****.
I remember being told that I was too much and that I wasn't enough, confusing right?
I remember moving with everyday performing my daily duty of being a girl who understood, felt, compromised, laughed, made jokes, talked and talked and talked.

I remember how it felt to put everything behind me just to live a normal, socially accepted and "mature" life. And now they dare ask me to feel? They dare ask me to understand? They dare ask me to put myself in their position? They dare ask me to allow myself to be loved? They dare ask me too much ****. And they also dare ask me how do i do it?

-fir.m

Today I was accused to being a bad influence yet again,

Simply because I facilitate the forbidden wants/needs of the people I love,

Simply because I give them a place to get high and vent without being judged,

Simply because I create an aura where they feel free to express themselves in whatever ways they like- modest, humble even ******,

And simply because the ones they love refuse to facilitate their haram (forbidden).

Haram is bad – we all know this

But being human is about passing through all things good and all things bad.

Being a Muslim, most of my choices are haram;

Not properly attired to the laws of my religion,

My speech is not of a young lady with modesty- rather it is defined with sheer profanity,

I rather laugh from my heart even though it’s supposedly a *****’s act,

I refuse to lower my gaze around men; the same men that stole from me

The same men that refused to lower their gaze from me.

I deny myself the potential for love because of the expectation of great dismay

And I drown myself with the 34000 thoughts of what if??!

This poem is becoming a disaster; my thoughts aren’t flowing straight,

I went from bad influence to haram to rebellious to depressing;

What the **** is this **** going on inside my head- it aches with great displeasure.

How do I contain my contradicting self?

Someone help me please, my soul is crying and sobbing for something to fill this void-

The void that is desperately trying to full itself with the acceptance of the people who are hell bent on not accepting me.

Why am I like this? A contradicting ******* disaster

-fir.m

I have a problem
I hope you're not
Too fed up with me
And my never ending
Sadness and self loathe

But I have a problem
Not with anyone else
Or anything
But with myself

You see mirrors
Aren't my problem
What I see
When I walk pass is

I'm not talking about
The fatness and the
Unattractiveness
I'm talking about what
I really see, everytime
I walk pass a mirror

I have a horrible problem
I hate the person I see
I am disgusted with
The soul I see
I am disappointed with
The ******* human
I see.

I have a ******* problem
I am my own *******
problem
I hate myself way more
Than anyone else can...

-fir.m

I've lost my father more than a year ago
It should be enough time to mourn, no?

I loved him with all my heart
And just like that he was taken out of
The only realities I've ever known

Yes, death is indeed inevitable
But is it fair to make us love something so ever dearly
To just rip it out of our grasp
In such short notice and in such swift torment

I loved him with all my heart
And my eyes will never shed enough tears
For a man that created a spectacle of all the other men
that had, has and will ever enter my life
And I'm unable to show my mother
This pain I feel

She's sitting in her room listening to the old
Warmth and lovingness in Michael Bolton's voice
As she cries to her heart's content and
She reminisces all the glorious times they've had
Ignorant to how I'd feel hearing the agony in her throat

I loved him with all my heart
To be selfish and to be selfless at the same time

And I love her with all my heart
To let her see the strongest and the most resilient
Version of her daughter

-fir.m

There's nothing pretty about a girl that is 100 pounds overweight.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has 15 different skin tones.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has faint eyes coloured dark with insomnia.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has thin lips barely matching the size of the doubled chins.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has fat cheeks hiding her faint eyes from the world.

There's nothing pretty about girl that has a  neck covered in fat and hidden by the weight of the chins.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has ******* smaller than the belly it resides above.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has belly enough to cover the scope of her womanhood.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has thighs that rubs together hiding scopes of her womanhood.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has a camera that dulls and fades the blemishes and extra chins away.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has pictures of herself resonating on her social medias but not looking like herself.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that hasn't accepted that there's nothing pretty about her.

There's nothing pretty about a girl that has.................

There's nothing pretty about me.

-fir.m

This world is a very wicked place
Made so by nasty and wretched people
But it is kept so by the quiet and frail ones.

-fir.m

Sometimes i wonder what happened to us,
And it's so ironic,
'Cause i am the one always saying
And preaching about how
Inevitable change is..

Not that i was unrealistic,
It's just that
you're one change
One change
i hoped wouldn't happen..

-fir.m

My eyes are burning
From the hot embers
Within my scorching brain
Or my heart, or my soul....

Just, my eyes are burning
With the corrosive emotions
Found within my still heart
Or my brain, or my soul....

Just, my eyes are burning
For it's freedom,
Captive by society
And what's "right"...

Just my eyes are burning
To actually be burnt
Burnt away from existence....

Just my eyes are ....

-fir.m

You know
I've always heard
People saying and ranting
About going home
Home home home

I don't know why
My home is a place
A place where i never want to be
I hate it there

It's so suffocating
The minds there are ignorant
And and stifling
I hate it there

It's where my eyelids
Are pasted together
And where my lips
Are stapled together
I hate it there

It's where my thoughts
Are are vile
And my heart is
Just an *****
I hate it there

It's where there's always
A preach about god
But what god would
Allow stifle
Allow suffocation
Allow ignorance

It's a place that i hate
I hate
I hate

-fir.m

There's something wrong with my smile
I don't know if anyone else sees it
But i have been going through my pictures
And for the longest while
There has been something wrong with my smile

I remember the pictures of colgate ad worthy
And i see now pictures of nothing happy worthy
There's something wrong with my smile
That good jest of good riddance
That warm comfort, that warm trans
What is wrong with my smile?

-to be continued-

-fir.m

Sanity lurks within the insane
Feeling sunshine in the rain
Lost, but in the right place
Each raindrop echoes your face
Dreaming, but wide awake
Will go breathless in your sake

Soaring in the depts of madness
They say I'm in love
What is this happiness?
It's an alien feeling, it's mauve
An uncertain colour, beautifully pale
Like the death your eyes prevail.

Your words make me fly
In this weary ****** up sky.
Your 49 shades of blue  
I gracefully try to woo.
Your eyes, I crazily admire
Baby, you're everything I desire.

Come to my depths soon
Touch my soul, make me bloom

-fir.m

because nothing makes me happier



      and nothing makes me sadder

than you

-fir.m

Your aura breathed blue
My aura breathed red
Your blue breathed my aura confused
My fierce red tried hard to refuse
But your colour seemed too beautiful
Your toxic air swam too plentiful
And my red fell into something weird
A pit that left my fiery colour smeared

Your colour densely mixed with mine
The thickness of such fog left me blind
And while i was slipping into a vibrant purple
I forgot that we were but weak mortals
My red was colliding with your blue
And i was happy
But then you decided,
that purple wasn't the colour for you

-fir.m

This heart of mine
Beats rapidly with time
But with every beat
I forget to read
To count and check
The luck I wreck
With every thought
Over-thought
With Every pain held
Tremendously Over-felt
With every love broken
Abrupt agony's awoken

But now I'll try
Cause there's a reason why
Why that heart still beats
And why pain repeats

To form a strong soul
To help mend and mold
A mind so withstanding
A persona so outstanding

To help write a story
With so much fricking glory

-fir.m

Someone just told me that
I try too hard
But I don't know how i should react
Should I be upset or proud?

See I know only of one thing worse than trying too hard
And that's not trying at all...

fir-m

I don't have any friends
I say im good with people
Always abled to communicate trends
You know, the stuff that's hardly lethal
But what about the stuff that matters really?
See I'm profoundly too scared
I can't express my emotions freely
Not matter how hard I try, I'll always use a laugh emoji or smirk and say I'm alright
But the thing is, I'm not
And I don't know if I'll ever be
And I don't know if I'll ever let them see
Hellopoetry is my salvation,
When I call my friends to tell them I'm hurting in portions
I can't, I pretend to laugh when they enquire
But cry so hard inside to my desires
I ask about  their wellbeing and as usual,
I try to be their salvation.
But right now
I'm tired
There's a growing lump in my throat
Or in my chest,
I don't even know
But it hurts so much
That I'm naturally tired
Just too tired to be alive

-fir.m

He said that he would love to have me around

Only if when I touch him, I didn't tear him down

Only if when I'm with him, I didn't make him reach the ground

Only if when I call him, he didn't feel compelled to respond

Only if when I love him, I didn't bruise him with my tongue

Only if just only if, this list didn't go on and on and on

-fir.m

my heart is not fragile
yet when im with you im agile
without you im not worthwhile

my words hardly stumble when i talk
but with you im even shaken when i walk
without you i gawk to find you like a hawk

my vision not too clear, can hardly tell things apart
however with you i see all with my heart
without you im barely even smart

i know not spanish dutch or french
but with you all love songs are sensed
without you all are stentch

with you all things beautiful
without you all things pitiful

i like things beautiful

       lets keep them beautiful.

-fir.m

It was March 2007,
   An exact decade
The land was barren
   My bare body laid
The air was in drought
   Helplessness rioted and raid
Humanity was in scarcity
   My debt soul sinfully paid
   For its innocence
He was inside me, collecting dues
I was nine, crying and loud
He was forty one, enjoying and proud.

My money ran out,
August 2011.

April 2017
Debts never truly forgotten,
It was after work Saturday when
My debts finally finished paying
A vase left him bleeding

No longer loud and helpless.

-fir.m

this magic spell you cast
is making me see rainbows when i cry
and roses blooming when i bleed

-fir.m

the devil you found in your lover
ruined the angel in your reins
he made you wish life were never  
and made you one with pain;
into one cold heart *******

-fir.m