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What does it take to be good enough?


I'm so tired of not being good enough..
Tired tired tired..  😭
My fiery red heart is in the darkness
Its beat is suffocating, it’s almost breathless
As every second goes by, it slows easily
And with it every cell, every atom cries for help, warily.
It’s fighting so hard every day and every minute for its survival
But I can’t help but feel even demise seems like a better call;

Oh dear hands of relentless agony,
release my heart, return my sanity.
Oh great hands that own me,
return the good part of life ever so willingly.
I'll go along my way, away from you,
Away from this tension to anything and everything new,
Anything that’ll replace this suffocating pressure!
Anything that’ll release me from this trap laid for me to suffer!

Oh tight grips of confinement, please,
From this disgusting displeasure- put me at ease.
Allow me the privilege to feel anything other than this
TORTURE, SADNESS, PAIN, I beg- open your fists.

Oh Great hands that tugs my fiery red heart,
Return it to me before I lose all my colour to this dark.
I plead to you Oh Great Hands that possess me;
Open your fists, release your grip, gently put me down and gracefully leave me be...
For everything and anything outside your existence isn’t that bad.
I just want returned to me all the innocence I once had.

Oh Great Hands of unhappiness, what do you want from me?
Have I not given you enough? What more could you possibly need? Love, maybe?
But I will never love you.
I can never love you.
I refuse to ever love you.
Oh great hands of antagonizing pain,
I’ll never see the true beauty of this life if you keep me this chained.

What is that? Your words aren't very clear!
Tell me if it's right- the words that I hear;
"Oh my precious, it is you who is the beholder of this chain.
It is you who’s holding on to something without healthy gain.
These grips have long released you from this displeasure ,
Oh my darling, it is you who is refusing to be free, refusing closure!"

Oh Great Hands that had me, return and bind me into this darkness where we once played,
bind me to you so at least I have someone to blame for this weight that never seems to fade.
Oh Great Hands that opened their fists, hold on to me and take me away from this world,
it’s not as beautiful as I thought, take me away and hide me like a pearl.
I swear I’ll not complain anymore, I swear I’ll not fight you, I swear I’ll love you.
I swear I’ll love you and all the pain you come with ever so blue.

Oh Great Hands, I beg you, please save me-----

From myself...

The breeze flew effortlessly between us
and I begged for it to be enough or even just
enough to pull me with my everything apart from you.
With my toes in the sand that seems so blue
I refuse to allow my eyes to meet yours
afraid that in your dark galaxy I see her
and afraid that my eyes will scream the lullaby
of just how much your name means to me.

I’m trembling to the thought of you
knowing how much of my heart you’ve wooed
for many years it was in your deathly grasp
and for many years I’ve maintained this mask.
I’ve kept my vulnerability safe for so long
away from your knowledge was where it belongs
simply because I’m afraid of how small I’ll become
of how insignificant I’ll be to a heart that was so numb.

I don’t want to seem irrelevant on your end
for I was a good friend, a great friend
and it aches me to allow you to see
that the good friend, the great friend I seem to be
was only a camouflage I used to keep
my love, my desire, my everything hidden deep
deep away from you for I refuse to be like one of them;
the pets you treat with little to no respect but thinks they’re all gems.

What does it take to be a gem in your life?
Does it take a threat; with a pen, a gun or a knife?
Or does it take laying bare aside you not giving you a hard time?
Paying for all your lies with every feeling, every desire and every dime?
Pretending to be a fool like all your pets, and hope just hope…
That one day you’ll reward me for all the pain that I’ve coped?
A good friend, a great friend isn’t enough for me anymore
play the pet, buy the lies, **** the modesty, become the *****?

Here you were thinking
Woww life is really great
When you have people that love you
When you have people that cherish you
When you have people that adore you
But what if, just what if thats all just in your mind
What if you made up this fantasy in your head
About everything you've ever wanted
And everything you've ever craved for
And told yourself that it exists
What if you play scenarios that happen in one way and interpret it in three ways
Multiplying the actual meaning of the scenarios
What if you give credit to a person for being themselves but themselves is a liar
What if no matter if that liar is a liar you're happy with it
As the fantasy in your head is unwilling to let go of the part that liar plays
But what if there's more than one liar
What if they're all liars
What if they've only told you what they wanted you to hear because you have high expectations of them
And they know this and you know this
So technically it's not their fault for being on the pedestals you've placed them on
It's not their fault that you're unwilling to accept the garbage of this world
It's not their fault that you keep fantasizing about a happy life with any and everyone that can adore you
What if, just what if you can actually find that someday?
What if you never find that
You're tired of actively searching for people to give you what you can give them
You're tired of being this woman that expects
And expects
And expects
Should you or could you maintain this fantasy without completely
And utterly falling apart
From shame, from pain from torment
Or should you just let it all go and just..
Just ....

I was living my life as normal as possible, during a pandemic, as I could be. Still working everyday and others stayed away. As for me and my husband nothing really has changed as we continued to live day to day.
On Sunday May 10,2020 is Mother’s Day. We sent flowers to Brents Mom in Florida and we delivered flowers to my mom. I messaged all my sisters, sister-in-law’s, and friends. I had some even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day which I always think is odd because I am not a Mom. ( little did I know).
The morning of May 11, 2020 I felt fine but started spotting at which I thought I was just getting my period. We went into work so he could do inventory for the restaurant and I cleaned the pizza oven during that time. We left and had to do some running around and pick up some groceries for dinner that night. We stopped at home for a bit to take a break and I started to have some cramps. Again, thinking it was just my period starting.  
Along we went to the store and it was packed, of course, remember pandemic. Brent made a joke as we drove past one of the spots that had a sign and he said
“ Are you expecting?” Since the sign said for expecting mother’s only. I just laughed and said “yeah don’t think so.” We get home and Brent started to make dinner and I took a shower. As I waited for dinner to get finished I started really have pain and now I am bleeding a little heavier than before. We ate dinner, which was absolutely delicious, I then cleaned up and did the dishes. We sat down to watch Wheel of Fortune and I knew something wasn’t right because now the pain was getting severe. I went to the bathroom to remove my ****** thinking that’s why I was in pain. I was bleeding but nothing terrible. I laid on the couch in hopes that the pain would subside.... boy I was wrong. About a minute later I feel a gush......I immediately sprung off the couch and ran to the bathroom......and here’s where the story gets raw, real and graphic....
As I sat on the toilet and blood is coming out of me.... I still just thought it was my period ( not unusual for me). The pain was increasing immensely from my front all the around to my back. After about 10 minutes of trying to clean myself up I had the thought cross my mind that maybe I was having a miscarriage. I still was in disbelief because it’s been over 10 years we had been trying and being told I most likely can’t get pregnant. So, again, I believe it’s my period. But then, blood, mucus, and blood clots just kept coming out. I yelled for Brent and look in his eyes as my eyes are tearing up and said “ I think I’m having a miscarriage “.  As he stared at me blankly, I think it really hit me, what was happening even though I was completely blacked out emotionally. I knew at that moment what was happening. The pain was so high as my legs were numb from sitting on the toilet for so long. Even though I can’t recall exactly everything that was happening or maybe I just don’t want to remember, there is one thing that we both will never forget. The moment I passed the baby....
Brent has told me the story and even though I don’t fully remember, I subconsciously do. When I passed the baby... I looked at him and said “ And there it is...” it’s heartbreaking, gut wrenching, emotionally draining and exhausting.  Especially since I didn’t know I was pregnant!
“I never got to meet you
Since I was saying goodbye as soon as we met....”
Over the time span of 2 hours I continued bleeding and still having pain. I finally made my way off the toilet and onto the couch to try and relax. I finally felt a little bit of emotions as I started to cry fully
knowing what just happened. Brent asked me if I wanted to sleep in bed or stay on the couch. I said on the couch at first but then said no in bed because I don’t want to be alone. We laid towels down on the bed, had a giant pad on because the bleeding wasn’t going away anytime soon and I tried to calm myself down to fall asleep. After awhile I finally did. Not long but did. I woke up early in the morning and ended up falling asleep on the couch shortly after. Brent called my doctor to make an appointment for me to be seen. I ended up going early afternoon but had to go alone... remember pandemic. Brent ended up going to work since he couldn’t be with me anyway.
As I drive there alone I have so many emotions going through my head. Guilt, anger, sadness, happiness ( yes happiness...I’ll explain later). As I enter the office everything Is just odd... my doctor wanted me to take a pregnancy test just to make sure I really was pregnant. Normally this is an exciting time, anxiously awaiting to see if it’s positive. For me, alone in the doctors office, knowing what had happened hours before, this was anything but excitement. She comes back in confirming I was pregnant and she knew that it is positive that I miscarried.
I was sent for bloodwork for the next two weeks to make sure that my levels were going down and that they would go back to normal. Thankfully they did and I didn’t need surgery. My body did what it had to do successfully.
I finally told my family after I got the first two rounds of bloodwork back confirming my miscarriage and that I was physically ok. That part just ******. It really ******. Everyone thinking I may have good news and I crashed the party with sad news. It was and still is an uphill battle. I felt and still feel like Elsa from frozen singing “ Into the Unknown.”  My emotions are running wild, the blame game was on point, and I didn’t know whether to cry or just smile through everything. My head was fogged. My eyes were silently crying. My heart was hurting. I threw myself back into work a day later. I buried my head in my poetry to escape and get my emotions out. Which has helped me tremendously.
Even though I don’t want to relive what happened, it’s a part of me, of us. I don’t even want to write this but I forced myself to do so because it’s a healing process for me.
Brent has been my backbone and I can’t thank him enough for being an amazing husband and best friend to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without him in my life honestly. It’s been something we’ve both wanted since we had been married and over the past 10 years the chance grew slimmer for us. We had closed the door and sewed up the wounds that it caused for me not being able to become pregnant and start a family together. We had  “accepted ” that it was just going to be us and that’s ok. I had found a poem I wrote back in 2018 and the one line broke me. That one line read...” what If I was pregnant and never knew it...” as if I was telling myself two years later what was going to happen. Freaky to say the least.
It’s now been almost three months and it’s still affecting me everyday. Television, friends, family all announcing their pregnancy, or miscarriage... it’s like a bad dream on repeat. Smiling and saying congratulations but yet deep down inside my anger is unbearable. Is that wrong? Am I selfish? Am I a bad person for having these feelings? What did I do wrong? Why can’t we be happy? It’s ok. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok. I’ll be ok. The physical pain that I endured is nothing compared to the pain left in my heart. The emptiness. The hole. Our missing piece. It just wasn’t meant to be. That doesn’t mean we will never forget    It just means that it’ll all be ok. If we are blessed to have a baby, it’ll be amazing but if we aren’t... we have one waiting for us up in Heaven with both of our dads taking amazing care of him or her.
Through all this rambling, this has helped me in my hearing process. Reliving my nightmare, yet seeing the positive through the horror.  For one : I am able to get pregnant. It may have not been the right time but it is possible. Two: this has opened my eyes to write poetry more then I was before. Through all my raw emotions that I have come to find out, many others have been through as well.
In conclusion... although this has been a rough point in our lives, we have become so much stronger as a couple ( if that’s even possible). There is hope for us to have a family together and if we are blessed to have one, I will be grateful. Everything happens for a reason and you just have to have faith and strength. To our baby in Heaven.... we will meet you one day and our fathers will hand you over to us when we will finally become a family....
Firzaana Mohamed Sep 2020
I remember when I was the girl running in everyone's inbox everytime something went sour with them.
I remember when I talked with both parties of friendships or any other relationship and translated how they actually felt because they were too upset to actually hear each other out.
I remember still being constantly behind them even though they clearly didnt want me there.
I remember throwing concern all over the place trying to fix everything that went wrong simply because I don't like things going wrong.
I remember forcing people to breathe each other's air because they were too fixated in breaking something that was once good.
I remember crying with them when their hearts broke every single time, even though I kept advising them ways to avoid that pain.
I remember being too nice to people that I knew were taking advantage of me.
I remember putting my own lovelies and my own families behind to solve the trigonometries of people's lives.
I remember no one holding my head up on days that built a mountain on my back.
I remember being selfish because I wanted someone to hug me when I cried.
I remember being a bad daughter because I didn't get the bread she asked me for and because my boring depressing excuse couldn't quite cut it.
I remember telling people to no longer tell me about their issues if they weren't going to take my advise when I give them and I remember holding those same people together despite of them being stupidly stubborn.
I remember being left out on several occasions because I just didn't suit the crowd and because I am too much.
I remember never being too much and I remember becoming too much to fix the awkwardness in any air.
I remember making myself the fool to raise another person's soul.
I remember remaining the fool because that's just how everyone else began to see me.
How do i revert to being the girl who was outcasted for years because she didn't share everyone else's opinion to being the girl that suppressed hers just to feel some sort of acceptance?
I remember being called a ***** because I supported someone else's choice to follow her heart rather than to be stuck in a relationship that only made her insides crumble by every second.
I remember when they said I didn't love my father because I refused to bawl at his funeral.
I remember being by his side all the nights he was in pain for years to and from three different hospitals with little to no sleep and still make it to work in the morning.
I remember how my brother told him that he hated him and how much it broke my heart to see his heart broken.
I remember always being left last because I wasn't old enough to know yet always being left to do things on my own because I was smart to enough to go complete all the legal requirements for certain necessities.
I remember being silenced of everything I believed and loved and felt because I was too young and I was too naive.
I remember loving someone to the point where I erased my value from this earth.
I remember being cheated one over and over and over again and I remember staying and I remember all the promises and I remember all the times those promised meant less and I remember the time when it meant nothing.
I remember being used for *** umpteen times but the one time I wanted a friend with benefits relationship it made me a ****.
I remember being told that I was too much and that I wasn't enough, confusing right?
I remember moving with everyday performing my daily duty of being a girl who understood, felt, compromised, laughed, made jokes, talked and talked and talked.

I remember how it felt to put everything behind me just to live a normal, socially accepted and "mature" life. And now they dare ask me to feel? They dare ask me to understand? They dare ask me to put myself in their position? They dare ask me to allow myself to be loved? They dare ask me too much ****. And they also dare ask me how do i do it?

#remember #dare #cry #outcast #iremember /#Jokes #support
Firzaana Mohamed Sep 2020
Today I was accused to being a bad influence yet again,

Simply because I facilitate the forbidden wants/needs of the people I love,

Simply because I give them a place to get high and vent without being judged,

Simply because I create an aura where they feel free to express themselves in whatever ways they like- modest, humble even ******,

And simply because the ones they love refuse to facilitate their haram (forbidden).

Haram is bad – we all know this

But being human is about passing through all things good and all things bad.

Being a Muslim, most of my choices are haram;

Not properly attired to the laws of my religion,

My speech is not of a young lady with modesty- rather it is defined with sheer profanity,

I rather laugh from my heart even though it’s supposedly a *****’s act,

I refuse to lower my gaze around men; the same men that stole from me

The same men that refused to lower their gaze from me.

I deny myself the potential for love because of the expectation of great dismay

And I drown myself with the 34000 thoughts of what if??!

This poem is becoming a disaster; my thoughts aren’t flowing straight,

I went from bad influence to haram to rebellious to depressing;

What the **** is this **** going on inside my head- it aches with great displeasure.

How do I contain my contradicting self?

Someone help me please, my soul is crying and sobbing for something to fill this void-

The void that is desperately trying to full itself with the acceptance of the people who are hell bent on not accepting me.

Why am I like this? A contradicting ******* disaster

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