Here you were thinking
Woww life is really great
When you have people that love you
When you have people that cherish you
When you have people that adore you
But what if, just what if thats all just in your mind
What if you made up this fantasy in your head
About everything you've ever wanted
And everything you've ever craved for
And told yourself that it exists
What if you play scenarios that happen in one way and interpret it in three ways
Multiplying the actual meaning of the scenarios
What if you give credit to a person for being themselves but themselves is a liar
What if no matter if that liar is a liar you're happy with it
As the fantasy in your head is unwilling to let go of the part that liar plays
But what if there's more than one liar
What if they're all liars
What if they've only told you what they wanted you to hear because you have high expectations of them
And they know this and you know this
So technically it's not their fault for being on the pedestals you've placed them on
It's not their fault that you're unwilling to accept the garbage of this world
It's not their fault that you keep fantasizing about a happy life with any and everyone that can adore you
What if, just what if you can actually find that someday?
What if you never find that
You're tired of actively searching for people to give you what you can give them
You're tired of being this woman that expects
And expects
And expects
Should you or could you maintain this fantasy without completely
And utterly falling apart
From shame, from pain from torment
Or should you just let it all go and just..
Just ....

-fir.m

Trembling with every thought of him
I ache a love I can never achieve
I hold my emotions captive in this dreadful tin
I mean no harm, I just love, will it **** you to believe?

I’m not trying to take him from you
My heart is red and not blue
He’s something completely out of my reach
His heart is extremely difficult to breach,
you’re the only gifted one here
don’t worry it’s not that difficult to bear
or maybe it just is...

I have but accepted my place
within the zones of friendship
I've only suffered from a fallen grace
and a heart which has been ripped
But who cares about the shattered love
Maybe it’s just the one above
God Almighty,
I shall never doubt thee
For he knows best

Come to think of it,
What have I lost?
Nothing to be exact
It is he who lost something
something real and true;
my love that is.

-fir.m

We sipped our tea
As he sat next to me
Cross-legged on the floor
And he spoke of his youth,
Thrown to the wolves,
As student of the hardship of war.
A war that shaped him and molded him to,
A grateful and God-fearing man
The struggle of a nation burned in his eyes
As he relived his war torn homeland.

Accused and abused he was stolen away,
No justice exists with no law.
He was thrown into prison
But they couldn't cage his faith in freedom
It seemed like endless days and morningless nights,
His family so blind with concern
For the day they would see his return.

The guards laughing in the black of the night as they kicked him and beat him raw,
And the blood and the dirt and the grime of the world and the dark side of man that he saw.
And in the minutes and hours and years that dripped by,
graying away his youth,
As he spent his hours in quiet reminisce of the truth.

He wiped tears from his cheek with the smile on his face,
Brushed the hair back from his daughter's eyes,
His little girl climbed up on to his knees
His words became clear, "After hardship will always come ease".

I have this really amazing friend,
Her name is Radha.
She's great, she deserves the world ♡
She once witnessed me in pain
And she said to me,
"Fairy, get a pen and a book and just start writing.
Anything that bothers you.
Anything you wanna talk about but can't find words to say.
Anything you want out of you,
just write it..."

I admired her approach; it's really great!
'Cause I do write, and it does help...
It helps me to listen to myself clearly,
Without my brain jumbling up my thoughts,
And without my heart shaking in my chest.
But what if she knew,
About the things I write about...
About the things that I constantly think about,
About the things I dream about,
The things I ache about?
What if she knew,
**** even the things that I laugh about,
About the things I can't say out loud,
About the things I burden this site about..?
What if she knew?

-fir.m

I always throw these really cool birthday parties
And I always invite a bunch of people
From Near and far
And have always made loads of effort into making it perfect;
The right venue, the correct menu,
For all the people old and new-
In whatever childish attempt to make myself feel like I am loved
To help myself to feel that I am loved,
But I can not recall the last time I had a birthday
Where I didn't wish that I wasn't born.

-fir.m

No one is going to love
  the deepest,
     and the darkest
   Corners of your soul
        like I did.*

-fir.m

The breeze flew effortlessly between us
and I begged for it to be enough or even just
enough to pull me with my everything apart from you.
With my toes in the sand that seems so blue
I refuse to allow my eyes to meet yours
afraid that in your dark galaxy I see her
and afraid that my eyes will scream the lullaby
of just how much your name means to me.

I’m trembling to the thought of you
knowing how much of my heart you’ve wooed
for many years it was in your deathly grasp
and for many years I’ve maintained this mask.
I’ve kept my vulnerability safe for so long
away from your knowledge was where it belongs
simply because I’m afraid of how small I’ll become
of how insignificant I’ll be to a heart that was so numb.

I don’t want to seem irrelevant on your end
for I was a good friend, a great friend
and it aches me to allow you to see
that the good friend, the great friend I seem to be
was only a camouflage I used to keep
my love, my desire, my everything hidden deep
deep away from you for I refuse to be like one of them;
the pets you treat with little to no respect but thinks they’re all gems.

What does it take to be a gem in your life?
Does it take a threat; with a pen, a gun or a knife?
Or does it take laying bare aside you not giving you a hard time?
Paying for all your lies with every feeling, every desire and every dime?
Pretending to be a fool like all your pets, and hope just hope…
That one day you’ll reward me for all the pain that I’ve coped?
A good friend, a great friend isn’t enough for me anymore
play the pet, buy the lies, **** the modesty, become the *****?

-fir.m

Sitting on this addictive desk
Staring at the wonders of the world via the internet
From the modesty to the grotesque
It's funny how they all forget
The life outside of this intoxicating bottle of wires
But who am I to complain, for I am one of them
Lost inside these eccentricities that I admire
Wondering, conjecturing all about the beautiful eerie emblem.

What if just one day, one day we all stood and went outside?
Smell the breeze of the isolated air
Feel the earth, the dirt, that we denied
The earth we wear and tear
And yet, the ungrateful spends no time to relish
What we have, inexpensive
But all the care is for the wires; hellish
This is the mysterious truth
Of the brute
Of mankind and their neglect
Of a life that may never resurrect

-fir.m

You said that my words were bitter
You said my tone sounded harsh
As if I was on a mission to hurt you
As if I'm the villain in this story.

It hurts that you can't see right through me
It really hurts that you look, but you can't see me
I truly thought we were better than this...
I thought we knew each other better than this.

My words may have been bitter and my tone harsh
But it's only because contradiction spells my heart
I want to hate you, eradicate you from my life
I want you to come back to me and love me until I die.

I don't know what to do anymore, I can't ignore you
I can't not see you, to not feel you, to not breathe you.
Obliviate what ruined us? If only you were willing to try.
What do I do? God, why do I pine for someone like you?

If only you could see all these words meant for you
Would you then be able to see me, not think I'm harsh?
Would it make you pity me or give you the courage to try?
to try for this bitter girl who was once just on a mission to love you until the day she dies.

-fir.m

I suppose I should be happy,
My God gave me a blessing by taking away my blessing,
The blessing I was so confused about.
My dear, my precious Firdous.

I suppose I must be happy,
Every inch of my brain is telling me to be happy,
But why is there a ringing in my ears;
And so much weight on my chest,
It's so **** aggravating.

I suppose I could be happy, except that I;
I demand silence,
I demand peace,
I demand anything but to feel like this-
Worthless, insignificant, trash.

I suppose I am happy,
To be the puppet of a universe filled with
So much standard anomalies...
That the universe did not curse me to ****** my own kin...
that I didn't curse my precious with a life...

Oh the little things we tell ourselves to make it easier to live for another day,
Oh but I suppose, I suppose its necessary.
It's **** necessary.

Goodbye my precious. ♡

-fir.m

I swear it, I'm not suicidal or anything,
But do you know how hard it is to breathe,
It's so hard that I just wished that I stopped.

-fir.m.

-I just love with profundity  
I swear i'm not ******-*

-fir.m

Love* is an amazing thing
People just mix up what hurts.
Love is Beautiful
Rejection is sad
Love makes a mortal hopeful
Disappointment makes him mad
Love is supposed to be Truthful
Lying makes the relationship go bad
Thus making the mortal ruthful
And begins placing feelings on a writing pad
Claiming " love is hurtful"
Lies, your words are ******* clad
For love is bliss.

-fir.m

Today I was accused to being a bad influence yet again,

Simply because I facilitate the forbidden wants/needs of the people I love,

Simply because I give them a place to get high and vent without being judged,

Simply because I create an aura where they feel free to express themselves in whatever ways they like- modest, humble even ******,

And simply because the ones they love refuse to facilitate their haram (forbidden).

Haram is bad – we all know this

But being human is about passing through all things good and all things bad.

Being a Muslim, most of my choices are haram;

Not properly attired to the laws of my religion,

My speech is not of a young lady with modesty- rather it is defined with sheer profanity,

I rather laugh from my heart even though it’s supposedly a *****’s act,

I refuse to lower my gaze around men; the same men that stole from me

The same men that refused to lower their gaze from me.

I deny myself the potential for love because of the expectation of great dismay

And I drown myself with the 34000 thoughts of what if??!

This poem is becoming a disaster; my thoughts aren’t flowing straight,

I went from bad influence to haram to rebellious to depressing;

What the **** is this **** going on inside my head- it aches with great displeasure.

How do I contain my contradicting self?

Someone help me please, my soul is crying and sobbing for something to fill this void-

The void that is desperately trying to full itself with the acceptance of the people who are hell bent on not accepting me.

Why am I like this? A contradicting ******* disaster

-fir.m

He approached
She smiled
He spoke
She listened
He held out his hand
She grabbed it
He made promises
She made promises
He smirked
She believed
He took her out
She went with him
He said “I love you”
She meant “I love you too”
He gave her flowers and chocolates
She gave him her heart
He took more than it
She gave it
He enjoyed her
She enjoyed watching him enjoying her
He came often
She loved that
He came seldom
She ignored that
He stopped coming
She stopped smiling

He left her
She left us.

-fir.m

Looking at it from 10 inches
Look away
"No, no not again" etched in your mind
Yet the vulnerability of your heart aches for it
Stretching for it ..
Pulling back ..
Leaning forward ..
Turns away..
Grabs it..
It's in your hand..
You smile ..
Your heart pleased
Your mind unease
One,
Two,
Three..
Tears fall uncontrollably
Blood spilling easily
One,
Two,
Three..
Stop?
No..
You smile even wider..
One,
Two,
Three..
Love.
Is the blade sharp enough.. ?

-fir.m

Oceans apart
Stitched Hearts
Stars unseen
Emotions intervene

Thoughts ignored
Words never bore
Pictures sent
Modesty bent

Her mind knew
Her blood ran blue
Fears adapted
Soul captive

"Release me!" she cries
Send was never pressed, her heart pries
She fears
To her, he becomes dear
And when he is ready to leave
Nothing in her will be ready to believe.

-fir.m

There's this distant illusion of water
at a scorching paths' dried border.
It's caused by heat and refracted light,
And even intimacy's (closeness) fight
yields; one step closer, one step further.
Sometimes happiness is just like that water-
Maintaining distance from the grasps
Of those desperate for it, no matter the costs.
And that's just how the future goes;
Day by day, person by person, lows by lows.
No matter the way happily ever afters are sold,
And the ways rainbow after the rain is told,
Or even the way light at the tunnels' exit defends,
Fairytales, dreams, and hopes-
For some people, chaos never ends.

-fir.m

You know
I've always heard
People saying and ranting
About going home
Home home home

I don't know why
My home is a place
A place where i never want to be
I hate it there

It's so suffocating
The minds there are ignorant
And and stifling
I hate it there

It's where my eyelids
Are pasted together
And where my lips
Are stapled together
I hate it there

It's where my thoughts
Are are vile
And my heart is
Just an *****
I hate it there

It's where there's always
A preach about god
But what god would
Allow stifle
Allow suffocation
Allow ignorance

It's a place that i hate
I hate
I hate

-fir.m

It's warm.
What is this blissfulness?
"It's me.. You're not alone"
Embedded in the eardrum.
Tears disappeared
By just one glance at that curve on the face
That weird, yet such an euphoric curve
It's called a smile
Strange-
For it made the pain scattered
What is this comfort?  

Soon a smile was made apart of the appearance
Apart of the life
This curve was then around all the corners of the world

But where is the warmth?
The one that was felt in the beginning
It was always felt in thy heart
It was always seen when looked right..
But is no more seen or felt.
Blinked away,
It vanished
And where was thy?
Back in the cold.
The smile, euphoric?
What's that?

-fir.m

How is it that I mean so little to you?
When I cry my whole heart out blue
How is it fair that I'm the one crying every night?
When you're out there living your best ******* life
Do I really mean so little to you?
After all these years of us being perfectly dued
To this thing called love...
How can I mean so little to you?
You ******* *******.

-fir.m

My beautiful faded fantasy
Together we’ll make them see
How true we can be
How far we can go in our little made up pretty dreams
With love running through our veins
With ecstasy in our names
Together we’ll break and tear
So forget those who doesn't care
For time and patience is all we'll probably ever need

Oh the beautiful faded fantasy
Of made up pretty dreams
That forever we’ll be
In love
For all eternity

-fir.m

You see,
The thing
About love
Like
Daphne's and Simon's
And love
Like
Anthony's and Kate's
Is that
It is a love
So beautiful
So heart wrenching
But it is a love
That is only found
in the spectacles of
Great performers and
Electric artists
It is a love
That exists solely
In the world of
Cinematography and
In the pages of
A fine book
Only brought to life
By the our very own
Human nature
Our very own
Human desire
To want
To feel
To need and
To experience more
Just more...

-fir.m

We live in a world surrounded with friendly monsters
disguised as friends, family, relatives and folksters.
Be wary of whom you let tame you
and be wary of whose cage and stables you enter into
for it will be invisible behind pretty smiles
hidden behind small talks and small walks in dangerous aisles
a journey seeming utterly beautiful like snowflakes in winter
but in reality, they’ll all use you, disgrace you and leave you bitter.

-fir.m

Living was easier when we thought that pain was only given to us by criminals, vile humans & enemies.

-fir.m

Colours in the air
Sparks everywhere
Almost dark
The crimson of the sunset still has its mark
Bewildering every eye that lay upon it
Every heart that keeps the happiness fit
Soon it will be nostalgic
For everything happy or tragic
Always comes to an end.
Sad isn't it.
But which reality is happy?

-fir.m

Fascinated by such trivial matters
I look at them in astonishment
I watch their every move
With symphonies embedded in my eardrums.

What does it feel like?
To show?
To care?
To know?
To feel? ..

Do they stop to think?
That it's more than them
Having classes and relationships to tend to
More than who's wearing a prada or gucci
More than what's there to see
And to just notice the unseen
Feel the unseen
Be the Unseen.

-fir.m

It was March 2007,
   An exact decade
The land was barren
   My bare body laid
The air was in drought
   Helplessness rioted and raid
Humanity was in scarcity
   My debt soul sinfully paid
   For its innocence
He was inside me, collecting dues
I was nine, crying and loud
He was forty one, enjoying and proud.

My money ran out,
August 2011.

April 2017
Debts never truly forgotten,
It was after work Saturday when
My debts finally finished paying
A vase left him bleeding

No longer loud and helpless.

-fir.m

Oh feel our bodies grow,
And our souls they blend.
Yeah love I hope you know,
How much my heart depends.

"We'll dance with monsters
In the night"
You say with pleasure;
With really blind sight

You told me it is fine
But I think you are too kind
Onto me you have thrown
All your suction of hopes
Cutting down the thorns;
Cutting down the ropes
Ousting this flame
To show me that you came

I am sorry to be saying
But all your love was wasted
As my garden is decaying
Before you could have tasted

What I hold
Is not so very sweet
So I will just be bold
We should've never meet

I failed to be the light
You found in love
I failed to be your pigeon;
I failed to be your dove

And the monsters killed the melodies,
the ones that you dream
Unloved they forever were;
Their sorrows built a stream
A stream where tears shine
And the lost beasts are mine

These silent beasts are now
Just beginning to sound
Mercilessly,
I cried out;
Blatantly,
I have fallen down
And I just can not pick my Happy off the ground

You're building a palace
Where I do not belong
'Cause I have only been taking
The sing from your song
I know that you have
Been very burnt
But every new fire
Is a new lesson learnt

I am Sorry for making
You feel this pain
I am Sorry for putting
Your heart through this flame

Just please do not say
You love me
I might not say it back
Please just stay in intact
And stop all this play;
Forever is not real.

Just really close your eyes
'Cause I do not want you seeing
Throughout my disguise

I am carefully trying
to replace our bodies
For to all my cages and doors,
Are very lost keys

There is something terribly wrong
With our lungs
It is this poison of love  
That we have been breathing in too long
It has fractured our hearts
Turned it really mauve

Made us golden pale
It has destroyed our sail
Shattering our wings
Scattering all the feathers
Like fast demons fly
Through the weary sky

As pretty as you make
this tragedy feels,
Broken and poor
Life is just too blue
To ever truly be
La vie en rose

-fir.m

I said, "Get over her will you!"
    And after a moment of dreadful silence he replied,
         "She's the monster, but she's my queen"

He loves her,
He keeps on loving her ..
I love him,
I keep on loving him!
She hurts him,
He takes it,
I can't.
The more he holds on to her,
The more his face etches in my heart
I push tears back
Hating her for earning his love

Why doesn't he see the love I have for him .. ?
He just have to look in the mirror and compare eyes ..
The eyes he hold for her
Are the same eyes I hold for him
But he's too blinded to see it
And I'm too weak to say it.

He'll never love me
Why?
Because I'm not her.

-fir.m

My fiery red heart is in the darkness
Its beat is suffocating, it’s almost breathless
As every second goes by, it slows easily
And with it every cell, every atom cries for help, warily.
It’s fighting so hard every day and every minute for its survival
But I can’t help but feel even demise seems like a better call;

Oh dear hands of relentless agony,
release my heart, return my sanity.
Oh great hands that own me,
return the good part of life ever so willingly.
I'll go along my way, away from you,
Away from this tension to anything and everything new,
Anything that’ll replace this suffocating pressure!
Anything that’ll release me from this trap laid for me to suffer!

Oh tight grips of confinement, please,
From this disgusting displeasure- put me at ease.
Allow me the privilege to feel anything other than this
TORTURE, SADNESS, PAIN, I beg- open your fists.

Oh Great hands that tugs my fiery red heart,
Return it to me before I lose all my colour to this dark.
I plead to you Oh Great Hands that possess me;
Open your fists, release your grip, gently put me down and gracefully leave me be...
For everything and anything outside your existence isn’t that bad.
I just want returned to me all the innocence I once had.

Oh Great Hands of unhappiness, what do you want from me?
Have I not given you enough? What more could you possibly need? Love, maybe?
But I will never love you.
I can never love you.
I refuse to ever love you.
Oh great hands of antagonizing pain,
I’ll never see the true beauty of this life if you keep me this chained.

What is that? Your words aren't very clear!
Tell me if it's right- the words that I hear;
"Oh my precious, it is you who is the beholder of this chain.
It is you who’s holding on to something without healthy gain.
These grips have long released you from this displeasure ,
Oh my darling, it is you who is refusing to be free, refusing closure!"

Oh Great Hands that had me, return and bind me into this darkness where we once played,
bind me to you so at least I have someone to blame for this weight that never seems to fade.
Oh Great Hands that opened their fists, hold on to me and take me away from this world,
it’s not as beautiful as I thought, take me away and hide me like a pearl.
I swear I’ll not complain anymore, I swear I’ll not fight you, I swear I’ll love you.
I swear I’ll love you and all the pain you come with ever so blue.

Oh Great Hands, I beg you, please save me-----

From myself...

-fir.m

I'm in a place
Where it's all confusion
And i looked towards you
But you didn't look back

Someone I've always ran to
When i had no one else to
wasn't at the destination

I guess he lost all hope in me
Just as they all did

So now I'll do what i do best
Prove them right

Oh no, don't think i gave up on myself
I just gave into what they made me
Friendless, loveless, heartless and lifeless.

-fir.m

I'm so tired of crying myself to sleep,
I hope that one day, after my debts to this world have been paid,
I do not wake.

-fir.m

For so long i've worked hard to not expect.
I've trained relentlessly not to be needy.
I've been good to deserve better.
And i've closed doors to avoid aching intruders.

For too long i've allowed myself to stop myself
From wanting anything more than everything
And thence you came with your perfection
Oozing optimism for everything and more

So for a while I recklessly permitted myself to have expectations,
To feel deserving, to open my doors
To wanting everything and to wanting you
And like all good things it was great, until you were through.

So right now, my heart is breaking into a million pieces,
For unmet expectations and unrequited longing. And maybe that's good;
For in the future you'll serve as a reminder
The perfect reason for tightly shut doors
Even though what's inside most definitely
Deserves anything, everything and more.

-f.irm

Isn't victory bestowed on the light?
Then why must thy bow to the dark?
Insecurities?
Vulnerabilities?
Hopelessness?

-fir.m

I try to get a grip of time
But I keep making love to a man that will never be mine
I caress more than his mouth
And he moans without doubt
Timely shadows of ecstatic instruments hit the wall
Until the clock strikes the end of it all..
  
Tobacco candies between my burnt lips
As he brush my many napes with his fingertips
Probably thinking about that girl he has deceived  
And just before he leaves
I Stifle the tears that i'll never be the queen on his deck
And he leans forward to give me a peck
     And nothing more
     After all, as he once said; i'm just his *****...

-fir.m