I found myself
full
after a day
of starvation
and I look in the mirror
disgusted by
not only my external
appearance
but my inner demons
as well

We have thoughts
about everything
we come in contact with,
but I never saved
my better judgments
for me

Perhaps I have used up
too much kindness
on everyone else
until there is none
left
at the end of the day
to spread through my fingertips
onto the skin
I occupy
but cannot seem
to love

It can be said
that whatever you put in
is what will come out

So why is it
that I am not getting back
everything
I am putting in?

I was taught early on
that energy cannot
be created or destroyed

If I am giving you everything,
then you are not destroying it,
just redirecting the love
towards something
you care about more

I suppose I need
to account
for the negativity
I intake from you,
which would make my output
less than perfect

We are a water cycle-
you pour drinks down my throat
and I cry them back into your hands

Let's pretend
our equation is balanced
until I remember
what it means
to be my own pure element

Our greatest fear
is often
being wrong,
but what is so good
about being right?

People who are always right
never learn to get up
because they never fall down.
They never taste
the sweetness of victory
after their mouth was filled
with the sour taste of defeat.

People who are always right
learn by retaining,
not by doing.
They are simply sponges,
collecting data,
barely in need of their brain.

People who are always right
do not get rewarded
because no one cares
about the one-shot triumph,
if the five hundred tries
are more interesting.

We are afraid of being wrong
because we think it means
that we are weak.
Being wrong,
however,
really just shows
we are human.

There is nothing I regret

Not that time
I stormed out on the party
telling him I had nothing
left to give

Not the day
I didn't apologize
for treating her
like I was better

Not that night
I kept my mouth shut
when he crawled into bed
and we both knew I was mad
about something

Not that day
I finally let out
every thought
from every time
I had held my tongue

Not the many meals
I skipped
in fear of gaining
something other
than energy

I don't regret any of those times
because without them,
I would not have learned
that not all men love equally
and that some will leave you speechless
and others,
breathless

I would not have learned
that those who truly care
will not let you go

I would not have learned
that the best friends
you can have
are the ones that forgive you
when you do not speak

I would not have learned
that the mirror
is not the only one
that gets to decide
how pretty you are
or are not

I have learned
and I have grown,
so regret,
I do not

The way I think about you
on these days
is different

It is not the casual thoughts
I have about the way
you looked at me
that one time
we tried to study together

It is not the replaying
of when you kissed me
at the bottom of the stairs
that night everything
fell apart

It is not the daydreams
of how I might return to you
in just a few short days

It is when I get this feeling
deep in my stomach
that I think
would most commonly be paired
with the phrase,
I miss you

It is often on these nights
that I get to hear your voice
or in the following morning
when I wake up to see
that you tried to call

It is almost as though
I could sense our connection,
that maybe,
wherever you were,
you were missing me, too

I have always been
a good test taker
who can follow rules
that only apply
in timed intervals
that occur in rooms
with too-bright lights
and recycled air
that isn't circulating
around the heads of students
that, under normal conditions,
would radiate heat,
but now only emit stress

I have always been
good at rolling my eyes
(in all situations)
but particularly to those
who work themselves up
over means of evaluation
that, while they are determinant
of subsequent events,
do not measure your worth,
value,
or abilities in all areas

I have always been
poor at reminding myself
of these skills
when the tests I take
don't place me
in the same category
in which
I have always been

If only
I could take a holiday
from the life I am living
just to see what lies
on the other side
of the fence

I am almost positive
the grass would be greener
but I must see
to believe
and my brain and heart
have outgrown the confidence
I once wore

If only I could dress my mind
the way I dress my body-
then I would be surely proud
of the road
my feet have chosen to walk

First,
you'll stare at me
from across the room,
peaking my interest

Second,
you'll strike up
a casual conversation,
of which the topic
will be unimportant

Third,
you'll talk to me
at random intervals
so that I can never
figure you out

Fourth,
our conversations
will become a daily occurrence,
something I thrive on,
cannot live without

Fifth,
you will ask me
to spend time with you,
my heart will flutter,
I will politely decline

Sixth,
you will ask
over and over again
for even just an hour together
until I say yes

Seventh,
you will be
so easy to talk to
when surrounded by
empty space,
it will be the only thing
I think about

Eighth,
we will spend
increasingly more time together,
until all I manage to talk about
is you

Ninth,
you will kiss me
which will not be surprising
but the way it takes my breath away
will astound me

Tenth,
you will make
my heart stop
at the most unexpected time
and I will realize
I am in love

the sentences
in our romance novel
are laced
with the most distinct
punctuation
you might think
we changed the font

it is not perfect
because we were both always
struggling
to be the writers we wanted to be
but it's alright
the fundamentals are there

we might add in
more detail
just to be sure
the readers know
we are in love
and I hate to leave out
that time
your fingertips
grazed my knee
(what time was that?)
to compensate
for our differing memories

our chapters
do not match up
because we are reading
two versions
of the same story
written
by different authors

the only thing
blatantly missing
from our book
is the title

but isn't that
what most authors
do last?

Not all bridges are made of wood,
you tell me,
when I ask you why you have not yet
set fire to the pathway
that connects us

Some of the ugliest structures
are the ones that last the longest-
the ones where you can see the insides
and there is no masking
the wear and tear
of years of rain and wind and snow

Eventually,
those structures become landmarks,
pieces of importance

I realize that our structure
is by far, the ugliest,
and I hate it every time I see it

but I will not remove it

Drunk,
you called for me to catch up

Drunk,
you bowed and kissed my hand
and asked me to curtesy

Drunk,
you offered up your arm to me
and laughed when you somehow managed
to mess that up

Drunk,
you kissed me on the corner
with the lights of the cars around us

Drunk,
you held my hand as we walked
and did not flinch as others passed us

Drunk,
you wrapped your arm around my waist
in front of your friends
and held me tighter
than you ever have

In the morning,
I find out that you were sober
and my heart skips a beat

"Where is this going?"
you ask me, breathless

I know you are inquiring
about the next 5 minutes
but I cannot help but consider
the next 5 years
as I spill out words
that affirm the next move
you have been patiently waiting to play
for months

and the word friend
flashes in neon lights
behind my eyelids
as I think about your arm around my waist
in the bar just a few hours before
and your mouth pressed to my head
aggressively whispering
"Stop."
on the way home
when the heat in my chest
started to build
after looking at your phone

"We'll talk about this later,"
you tell me definitively
and so in the cold December air
you tell me that I deserve better
and that you do not deserve my suppressed tears
that might freeze if they fell

As you turn on the lights
so you can see what you're doing
I lie in your bed
now knowing
what it is like to be in a relationship

(but please don't use that word)

With the soft knocking
of your palm against my fingers,
the door into my heart,
I think not-so-carefully
about letting you in

And as I move to the threshold
I find the door already slightly ajar
so I reach out to touch you
and feel your heartbeat move through my veins

You don't touch back
but do not move from beneath my hands
and I know you are telling me
to take it slow
because my favorite thing to do
is run when I'm told to walk
and I always feel
as though I'm running out of time

I take a breath or two
and do not look at you for too long
in case you disappear
while I am too busy blinking

Someone else's illness
won't make your cold any better

Someone else's tsunami
won't stop your wave from pulling you under

Someone else's hurricane
won't stop your thunderstorm

Someone else's novel
won't make your sentence meaningless

Someone else's depression
won't make your sadness go away

Someone else's excitement
won't diminish your happiness

Someone else's better
won't take away your best

Someone else
won't be you

a watched *** never boils
and you stared at my every move
not knowing
that I would never bubble over
into the person
you hoped
me to be

for two weeks
I thought there was a baby
growing inside me
but instead
I was just late to understanding
how little you need me
and pregnant with the idea
that I could not live without you

my mother taught me
to never judge a book by its cover
but I forgot
that even the prettiest books
can have no literary value

the first (and only) time
you treated me
as your equal,
we were sitting outside
under the stars
and the moon,
which was ever so slightly
blue

my blessing
was not disguised
as a man that looked
and acted
like a mannequin
but rather
a crack in my heart
that took three years to make
and three months to fill

as it turns out,
I am a cloud
with skin made of silver

Every time I used to run to you
it was raining
because maybe when we walked inside
we didn't want the cold and discomfort to end

I have never minded the rain
and I told myself that the flooding
occurring in my heart
was okay,
because a little water never hurt anyone

Eventually, the walls collapsed
because a little water
a lot of the time
will break down even the toughest stones

After the rain,
you're supposed to see a rainbow
and that's what you tried to give me
but instead I had a water damaged soul
with nothing left inside

You cannot control the weather
and you called to me again
but this time you were the one running
in the late night cold
we have come to know too well

Early in the morning
I heard you whisper
as you looked out the window,
"I've never seen the sky so bright"

Maybe I didn't get my rainbow
instead, a white light breaking through the blinds

"It looks the way it does before it snows,"
I reply
as you wrap your arms tighter around me

Maybe my rain has turned into snow
Just as cold, but more beautiful

"Don't play hard to get,"
you say,
but I thought we weren't playing at all
because the labored breaths
and extended silences
we exchanged instead of words
were the conclusion to our never-published,
still-in-editing,
fairy tale love story

Your eyes held on
to the tears that had formed
so that they never really fell

And I held on
to our unspoken romance
and fell harder than expected

I thought I was the one
who jumped
but not without a little push
from you

I can't say I blame you
you just did what was best
but I guess I wasn't prepared
for best
to feel worst

So Boy,
I am not playing with anyone
or anything
(except with my necklace,
when I think about you)
and you are still plucking away
at my strings,
so softly
that I almost didn't notice

I guess I'm too familiar with the sound
to ignore it

It feels as though
There is a tightrope beneath my feet
A blindfold surrounds my eyes
And in my heart, a heavy beat

I am not sure how long I have been walking
Or how much farther I have to go
Nor if I fall,
How many lifetimes it would take,
To hit whatever's down below

There are days I feel like wings
Have sprouted from my back
And I feel like I am light as air
Running swiftly down this track

Sometimes I feel like falling
Just to see what's underneath
That maybe on the ground are your arms calling
I haven't the faith to take the leap

Most of the time, however,
I am trying too hard not to shake,
My balance is the victim here
When my time, I choose to take

This tightrope I've been walking
Has been braided so carefully
By all the words I ever think
And let out
So carelessly

Perhaps I am too heavy
To walk a rope as thin as this,
Weighed down by burden, lies, and stress,
One wrong step,
Would I be missed?

They say,
If you are comfortable
in your own skin,
you will never be lonely

I tell them,
It's not that I am uncomfortable,
it's just that my own beating heart
is not loud enough
to echo off the walls
of my too-small apartment
on Saturday nights
when the city
is just starting
to wake up

They say,
You should not crave
a relationship
to fill the hole of loneliness

I tell them,
I do not crave him
for the sake of company,
because I breathe on my own terms
and I yearn for his presence
no matter who is around

They say,
Loneliness can be cured
by looking inside yourself

I tell them,
I have looked,
and I see a girl
the rest of the world
should miss when she's away,
but whose absence
never seems to be noticed

A few months ago
I found comfort in walking
dangerous streets
alone
drunk
tired
upset

I could have walked
for hours
because the feeling
of something possibly going wrong
soothed me

Perhaps whatever I may have met
on those dangerous streets
would have been more real
more terrifying
than the monsters I faced
with closed eyes
and a clenched jaw
each night
and every morning

I no longer
see those streets
with blurred vision
but instead eyes
that cannot look in as many directions
as I would like
because that gum wrapper
might not be
what I think it is

Maybe my fears are fading,
no longer stored inside
where no one can see them

Maybe my walls have broken
and I feel too vulnerable
to face anyone I may encounter
because I am not confident
that anyone else
would come
to my rescue

The worst thing that could happen
is that one day
I wake up
and don't know who I am

The worst thing
would be when I look down
and no longer recognize
the road beneath my feet

What if I've been wrong--
what if I'm not going where I'm meant to go?
What if my entire life,
my ears have been ringing
with lies?

What if, they tell me
What if you're turning Nothing
into the ultimate Something?

You're probably right, I say,
hiding shaking hands and uncertain eyes

I remember there was a time in my life
when He gave me guidance
and told me that the road was set,
it was just my job to run

I used to run outside until I got hurt,
and since then I've forgotten what it feels like
to press your feet against asphalt
and let yourself fly,
if only for a few seconds at a time

I have forgotten the joy
in feeling productive pain
and I have forgotten to remind myself
that there cannot be progress
in the shape of perfection

They say,
Time heals all wounds,
but even my deepest paper cuts
would not begin to bleed
and so the pain would wear on
and the scab would never form
and I was never able to expel the venom
buried deep inside.

You cannot always feel the bruises,
but sometimes I push on them to feel the pain.

You cannot always see the bruises,
but that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

I dug the knife into my skin,
then asked you to pull it out
and you did not do it the way I hoped.

You did not make a clean cut,
but twisted it, ever so slightly,
and the **** was bigger than before.

I do not blame you for my injury,
and with all that time you spent in hospitals,
I guess I thought you would be better at healing.

I cannot speak to the future,
and I wish not to think of my dreams.
I had plans for the two of us
that your arms could not wrap around
and God, I wish they were holding me.

Perhaps the tears need to fall
to replace the blood I never lost,
and perhaps the pain that hurts the most
are the hopes I keep inside.

Eating is hard.
Not eating is hard.
It’s hard to be hungry,
and it’s even harder to be full.
It’s hard to say yes to food,
and to say no.
It’s hard to eat foods you know you shouldn't,
and not eat foods you know you should.
It’s hard to stare down a full plate and think,
“How am I supposed to do this?”
and it’s hard to stare down an empty one thinking,
“What have I done?”
Food is hard to deal with,
once you make it a situation
rather than a necessity.
Breakfast is hard,
lunch is harder,
and dinner is the hardest.
But maybe looking in the mirror is the hardest of all.

It rained
the first time
I spent the night in your unmade bed

It rained
the last time
I watched you turn off the lights

It's raining
and I wish it was one of those times
when you would kiss the top of my head
and wrap your arms around me
when you think that I'm asleep

I sat on your bed,
confused as to why you asked me to stay
Your sister downstairs,
left to think what she wanted

You sit down next to me,
finding the courage to touch me
Your hands move lightly,
fingertips brushing my back, my knee

Our fingers collide,
but we are feeling too much to stop
Left waiting,
the back of your hand pressed to my leg

You stare at my lips,
I realize how dry my mouth is
We both know what's coming,
but neither is brave enough to start

It won't be much longer,
you press your forehead to my shoulder
With one sweeping motion,
darkness overtakes the room

I see nothing,
but feel your mouth against mine
Three months separated,
distance finally closed with open lips

A few months ago
I was counting the days
until you left
because your lack of presence
would have been a better present
than the one you didn't give me
for my birthday this year

Every night I would wait
for the day to come
when you wouldn't be near
as if your body was in my bed
pressing down on my chest
until I could no longer breathe

Hating your best friend
will not hurt them
but it will twist your own heart
in ways you never thought possible
and you will pray on stars with fingers crossed
that it might break
or better
stop beating

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
and the tears in our blanket
and the tears in our eyes
have been thoughtlessly mended
with intertwined fingers
in basement bathrooms of bars
we couldn't find again
with a map to guide us

Tomorrow you'll leave me
and move on to adventures
more exciting
than drunk searches
for familiar faces
on streets we could draw perfectly
with blurred vision

I hate to say I'll miss you
and I hate more to see you go
but your darkness was always
darker than mine
and your light was always
too bright for me to look at
so I hope the contrast
of the rainy days and the sunshine
fills you up
in a way nothing else ever has

You were born to fly away
but never given the chance
so I hope you find
that the airplane wings
fit you just right

I hope you accidentally leave
the little broken pieces of yourself
on the cobblestone in London
and in the fountains of Rome
and do not realize it
until you return home

I wish you the best
and the same for myself
because two flowers
cannot grow
in one ***
but if grown separately
they can one day
make a beautiful bouquet

Did you call her at all,
drunk and alone in the middle of the night?
Did you tell her
she was the one you wanted?

I suggested we spend the weekend
away in the city that sleeps
as well as we do together.
You used an exclamation point
in your response
which you never do.

Why don't you talk to me
the way I imagine you do
to people you are less invested in?
I always assume you are
actually
invested
in me.

The only thing I think about
is you.

Will I ever manage
to be strong enough
to get what I deserve
from you?

I remember the first time you kissed me.
We had escaped the loud echoes of your drunk friends,
and left my too-sober roommates to wait for my return.
Your best friend ran up the stairs after I left,
I skipped down the street as the girls called after me, questioning.
I remember the smile that would not fade,
the one that gave all of the answers away.

I remember the second time you kissed me.
We drank too much wine and sat too close together
and told each other too many things.
You yelled at me to stop talking so much,
I asked you questions you pretended not to hear.
I remember the way you kept trying to leave,
but how you did not want to go.

I remember the third time you kissed me.
We got into a fight that you tried to fix
with an overnight stay in the room where we first kissed.
We didn't talk about the fight.
I told you things I'll never forget because I knew you'd never remember.
I remember the way you tried to kiss me in the morning,
and how I left, pretending I didn't know.

I remember the fourth time you kissed me.
That night, I realized we would only ever be friends
and then our hands kept touching, our legs intertwined.
You asked me to tell you everything and anything,
as you wrapped your arms around me.
I remember the way I could see you, looking at me,
out of the corner of my eye when I was too afraid to look at you.

I remember all of the times after when you kissed me.
Graduating to morning, then afternoon,
private to public, drunk to sober.
You kissed me for all reasons,
and no reason at all.
I remember the way you always smiled afterwards,
and how it always made me feel sure.

I remember the last time you kissed me.
It was too early in the morning for there to be time,
my eyes couldn't tell if the sun was awake.
I waited and waited for there to be another one,
but there wasn't.
I remember thinking of all the other kisses,
and knowing too deeply that this would be it.

When the weather turned warmer
Your heart turned colder
Told me that we were over
Autumn would mean fall
But not fall in love
This was the end of me and you

My friends always said you were a liar
They ended up being right

Last night, you called me
Just to tell me that you miss you
That all you wanted was me by your side
You asked me to come to the lake
My sleepy eyes smiled at the thought

I dreamed of being with you again
Your family there as well
Sitting under the hot sun
Feeling nothing but happiness

It's raining tonight
Just like that first night we spent together
My stomach sinks because I wish you were here
I smile because I can tell you these thoughts
Knowing that you feel the same way

Maybe this will be a new start after all
Maybe we will grow in the ways we always meant to
I can only hope that we can change in just the right ways
So that we might work together

Every so often
You meet someone
Who you fall in love with
Ever so quickly

There is a usually a clock ticking
In time with your beating heart
Racing, faster and faster
Which one will win?

Time will run out
Time always runs out
Before love can form
But before heartbreak as well

You'll part ways
Never to meet again
When you think of them
Your lips will always remember to smile

Every so often
You meet someone
Who you fall in love with
For no reason at all

I tell myself it means something,
When you miss me in the early afternoon.
The sun has risen above both your head and mine,
Shining brightly as I lay sleepily in my bed.
You have already started your day,
Doing who-knows-what in the middle of nowhere.
I should have gotten up hours ago,
Maybe finally done something other than think of you.
I sent you away with no goodbye, my fingers crossed
In hopes you wouldn't find yourself entwined with another girl.
Now the paint on my nails is chipping away,
I'm not ready for a new coat of someone else just yet.
Still I float along in your general direction,
Pulled in by the strong forces of your sweet words and soft touch.
When I finally stop moving, I don't know if you'll be there
But I pray that I can touch you, even if you're looking somewhere else.

I knew I wanted to step on the scale
But my mind was screaming "don't"
Because that number only tells you
How much gravity is pushing down on you
Not how much you're worth

I stared at the wall
As my bare feet touched the cold surface
For once, I was strong and didn't want to see
A number that would break down
The very small wall of self esteem
I have been trying so hard to build

I prayed I would see nothing
Higher than a 4
Or else my day would be done for
I looked to the spot between my feet
As though I was looking into a crystal ball

And surprisingly, I liked what I saw

Some people are afraid of love
and falling from unknown heights

I ride the tallest and fastest rollercoasters
over and over again
but can't bring myself
to eat in front of those I fall so quickly for

I'm not afraid of falling
I'll even take the jump
I'm afraid of sleeping with the door open
because someone might see the real me

I told you I was busy
that night you asked me to go ice skating
When really I couldn't decide what would hurt more-
breaking a promise to my friends
or watching you watch me fail

You sleep with the door closed, too
I know because I'm behind it with you
On Friday nights
when late night thoughts and beer
make the perfect mixed drink
to sip on while getting to know someone

Even though I still don't eat in front of you
You've seen the way I sleep,
the way I look when I wake up,
tasted my hungover mouth,
and felt every inch of me

I think I'm ready to go ice skating now
Maybe even with dinner before

But let's keep the door closed when we sleep,
I like it better that way

I wonder
If you'll spend hours
Staring at your phone
Waiting for the reply
My friends told me not to send

I wonder
If you wanted
Something to make your beer soaked lips
Curl up into a smile
Something to warm your already
Over-heated heart
Or if maybe
You just wanted me to know

I wonder
If when I didn't respond
You went down the list
Of girls that might care
Unless that's what you were doing

I wonder
If your friends knew
The nameless ones I don't hear about
With whom you have a summer built bond
Strengthened by drinks of the same nature

I wonder
If you'll find a plastic placeholder
When sleeping alone
Becomes the loudest thought

I wonder
If you'll wish she was me

I cross the street and you cross my mind
Carefully trying to avoid the pothole
But what does it matter?
I've fallen for you already

I once caught my breath in this spot
Shortly after, you took it away
At the moment where the city becomes visible
Looking to where the sun rises
You told me I was not your morning memory
But I always found my way into your thoughts

All day I had been trying to insert myself
Into your life, conversation, mind
Fighting with a girl who used the secrets I told her
To fund her vacations from pinky promises and movie nights

My voice must have hit the perfect spot in your ears
Because the beer you bought me kissed my lips
In a way that reminded me of you
And your hand on my knee was more comfortable
Than the yoga pants I was embarrassingly wearing
In a bar on a Sunday night

I tell myself the bright headlights shining in my direction
Are the cause of my blurry vision

The other day
I thought to myself
Maybe I am over you
Maybe I am holding on
To feelings that are no longer
Growing on their own

Today
I saw a picture
Of you and a woman
More well-known
Than you could ever dream of being

A week from now
She won't remember you
What you look like
What your voice sounds like
And she doesn't realize
Just how lucky she was
To even learn that today

In a few months
I will see you again
And I can do nothing
But hope
That you will touch me
In a way
That you will never touch her

What I like about naps in the summer
Is the way it doesn't matter
How hot the air is
You still manage to fall asleep
The warm breeze does not cool you
But it feels so friendly
Against your skin

I love the way the birds
Sing a lullaby
That weighs down your eyelids

I love that their song
Is just the smallest bit different
When they raise them back up

I love how you have to wipe back the hair
That now frames your face
Yet your skin feels perfectly dry
And how the heat had built up
Under your chest
But now you finally feel cool

I love how you can sleep for a few minutes
Or even a few hours
And the sun will still be shining when you wake
As if you haven't lost any time

I love the way a glass of water
Is like paradise after a summer nap
A cure for the sleep induced hangover
That's made tolerable by the sun

I love the way it feels
To be born again
Into the same day
And see it with new eyes