Every night
And every morning
I stare at my body
Trying to figure out
Who could possibly love someone
With so much extra

So much extra
That has nowhere to go
But out

I roll over
And see the extra gather
Who could love that?
Not I, not anyone

Less is more
I'm not asking to be the most
I'll eat less to be less
Not realizing that I'm blessed
With a body that works
And does what I ask of it

It just isn't pretty enough for me

Facebook told me
You were listening to Lies
on Spotify

So was I

Darling, it is not
Our time and it
Never will be. we are
Two people who will forever be in

Love but will never sacrifice
Enough to be
Together

Maybe it is better this way
Even if it hurts us so

Go on, darling. i will be
Okay. i promise.

A year and a half ago
(and an extra 15 days)
I let you go
(Forced you out of my life)
Because it hurt too much to hold on

You were never good enough for me
I let you beat me
(You didn't give me that much attention)
and blamed myself for giving you the bat

(One month short of)
A year and a half later
You asked for a second chance
Said, "I will make this work"

I told you I wouldn't try
I didn't care enough
(I cared too much)
and the job was solely yours

For a few days you gave it your all
Asking me about what it is you've been missing
(More than I care to tell you)
Acting like the man you never grew up to be

Now it's been a month
Since the last time I heard from you
(Not that I'm counting)

Maybe you finally realized that someone
As wonderful as me
(See: Things I Should Tell Myself)
Will never waste her time
On someone as awful as you
(You'd cry if I said this to you)

Sometimes Life gets hard
Too difficult to handle
At which time
We must remember to be thankful

This morning, I am thankful
I am thankful for my alarm clock
Reminding me that time
Never slows down

I am thankful for my bed
Reminding me that there is always
Something to look forward to

I am thankful for my empty phone screen
Reminding me that it's okay
To not be needed for a night

I am thankful for the breakouts on my face
Reminding me that sometimes things get worse
And I am thankful for the tan lines on my back
Reminding me that things will also get better

I am thankful for the day ahead
Filled with struggle
And a high chance of failure
Reminding me that these days
Are the ones that build us up
Even though it feels as though
They are tearing us down

I have run out
Of people to run to
When everything is falling apart

I touch my hipbone
And this one spot beneath my chest
Ever so slightly
When I want to feel better
About anything

I wish the earth gave you an option
Night or day
For when you need goosebumps from the sun
Or a calm, cool silence

Sometimes broken
Is better than bent
Because bent might break later on

All day
all YEAR
I have been listening to the voices
traveling through my ears
playing over and over again in my head

They tell me,
You need to work hard
You need to work harder
You cannot fail
Just do your best

What the sources of these voices do not realize
I am working as hard as I can
My best does not matter
My best is the same as failing

I try my hardest
Yet you would never know
Funny, how most people think I'm slacking
When I really have nothing left to give

My best is everyone else's worst
Which is why I have stopped trying
Why I have been destroying myself
and become addicted to death

I am not good enough
I was once
Those days are long gone now
Gold stars masked by average, maybe less

There is nothing left of me to give
that is worthwhile
Nothing left to show
that might mean something
to someone

If I had gone home with you,
like I so badly wanted to do,
what would have happened?

Would you have continued to whisper
your go-to lines to me,
the ones I'm sure you use on every girl you meet?

Would you have touched every inch of me,
or would you have stayed clear
of the parts that have too many inches
that aren't worth touching?

Would I have felt safe or afraid
or guilty or wonderful
or lonely or at peace?

Would you have asked me to stay?

If I had woken up
early in the morning,
like I always do,
would I have woken you up, too?

Would your arms have been wrapped around me,
as you did all night,
letting me know that, in this moment,
I am yours?

Would you have felt my body shift
searching to find the perfect location
and would you have wrapped your arms tighter
or would you have rolled over,
giving my skin the first taste
of the cool morning air?

Would you have woken up
wondering who I was?
Would you have been pleased to see me
or disgusted
that your drunken eyes have much lower standards?

Would you have kissed me as I left?
Would you have said goodbye at all?

Would I have spent the rest of the day thinking of you?

We were barely teens together
and now we're barely sober
on opposite sides of the country

I see photos of her,
sparking thoughts I wish I could erase

She gained so much weight,
I wonder what happened,
She used to look so good

In my critical analysis of her figure
(I could earn a PhD in Judgment of Others)
I miscount the curves of her face,
the shadows falling where they should not be

Her cheeks, I see
(they've gotten bigger)
but I forget to cancel out
the inflation from her smile

Little fingers
That cannot yet hold on
Wrap around my heart
And stretch it bigger

Little legs
Still learning to walk
Run circles around my mind
Leaving joy wherever they go

How is it,
That something so small,
So tiny,
So new,
Can give such big hugs,
Spread so much love,
And bring me happiness
In a way that nothing else can?

For three years now,
I have had your soul.
You have opened the door,
let me in,
and given me the grand tour.

Now I ask for your body,
the acres that surround
and protect you,
the trees and the flowers that grow out front.

Our minds have collided,
our hearts made room,
and now I want to wrap around you,
touch all of the inches
that you have not shown me yet.

I didn't have that much to drink
I could see straight
I could walk straight
But my mind was cloudy
With thoughts of you

I pretended I had more than I did
So you would answer honestly
When I told you I wanted you here

You thought it was the alcohol talking
The whiskey telling you
I need you next to me

It was just me
Lonely and desperate
To feel wanted by someone
Three thousand miles away

I singe my hair dry
so it stays perfectly straight
even as I toss it over my shoulder
pretending I don't care
about your overused compliments
and your cinematic lines

I fill up my pores
with liquid lust
so that when I force myself to turn away
my skin glows with the kind of confidence
that can only be bought
in drug store chains

I rip every leg hair
from it's follicle home
so that when you graze my knee
with your lying fingers
you feel my vulnerable skin
and touch my soul in a way
that freezes my body to stone

I pull on the tightest dress
in hopes that it squeezes out
my crazy, romantic thoughts
and leaves nothing but the curves you desire

I speak perfectly chosen words
that I barely hear
because they are not my own
but they will win you over

I do all of this
just to come home alone
at the end of the night
and crawl into my bed
and think about the guy
I would rather have performed for
during this production

There are too many things
I still want to do with you

Baseball games
in the blistering heat
so I can Instagram our love

Trips to the city
I'll tweet about
just vaguely enough that people wonder
what we did all night
in that big hotel room

Swimming with sharks
getting likes on our Facebook photos
and jealous messages from our friends

Our relationship
was always set to private
I guess I liked it better that way
but whether or not my friends can see it
there are too many things
I still want to do with you

Please don't be done with me yet

"I'm going to sleep," I tell you,
but I will lie awake for hours,
tracing up and down
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my ribs,
pressing down and gently grazing,
contorting my body,
until I feel exactly what I want

Maybe if I lay like this,
sleep like this
for hours,
I will become the person I see in my dreams

Being with you was like ice cream.

I craved it.
The taste, the smell, the summer sun that came with it.
Ice cream was more than a food,
it was an experience.

It came in different flavors
to fit your mood,
the time of day,
your anticipating taste buds.
Sometimes, it wasn't exactly what you wanted
but it was always good
and more often than not
it was better than expected.

And as I eat ice cream,
I am happy.
It's like I am a little kid,
everything is perfect,
nothing could go wrong.

And then it is over,
the ice cream is gone,
and a little hole forms in my heart,
but the ice cream melts and fills it up.

Soon after, I feel sick to my stomach.
How could something so good make me feel so bad?

I am lactose-intolerant.
Now, I crave something I cannot have.

I climbed into bed,
dizzy from the drinks
and the dancing
and the fun

Staring at the darkness,
Is this the ceiling or the wall?
I feel the air between my teeth
They are not pressed together
I think to myself,
How sad is it,
that I need to go to bed
with ***** for blood
so as not to feel the weight
piling on my bones?

I am not the girl I used to be--
I used to wipe away worry
like a foggy mirror,
but now my stomach
is in a permanent knot
and my skin is soaking wet
from the stress shower I have taken
and it won't seem to dry

My mother laughed at me
when I said the word
Desserts has always come out
but now I'm speaking backwards

I am not your daughter

The first boy I ever slept with
All we did was sleep
Even though in the middle of the night
Which I suppose was early in the morning
I woke up
Wanting you as close as possible
And I woke you up
Trying to get closer
And you kissed my lips
And you kissed my neck
And your hands touched my bare hip bones
That I pushed out ever so carefully
So you would think that I was skinnier
And you climbed on top of me
And I wanted you there
But my mind kept screaming
No, stop, this isn't a good idea
So I broke the silence
By just saying
Stop.
And I continued to kiss you as tried to understand
What I wanted to stop
It didn't matter
That I said no to an idea that was never written down
Because you rolled over
And wrapped your arms around me
But I carefully moved your hands
To where I wanted them to be
Because I was afraid
Of being just a body to you
And not a pretty one at that

I feel like the light is always on in our closet
Like someone recently decided who they wanted to be today
Or they are keeping it ready
In case they change their mind

How could I have forgotten
The way you kissed my forehead
Or the way you pressed your face
Into my collarbone
Or the way you twirled your finger
Around my necklace
The way I do
Every second
Of everyday
When I'm thinking
About you

I wish I could calculate
The number of times you wanted to kiss me
Subtract the number of times you actually did
Add the number of nights I spent awake and thinking of you
Multiply it by the number of nights you spent thinking of me
Divide it all by the number of encounters we've had with other men/women since you walked into my life
That would give me our compatibility, the amount I should care about where this (non-existant) relationship goes

She stands with her hands clasped together, fingers entwined
at the high table in the corner of the restaurant
Staring outside at the big city
Praying that some day soon her luck might change
Maybe someone might come along and take away her heart
Maybe she'll be able to quit this job
Bringing food to children and happy families and couples celebrating their 6 year anniversaries
And maybe she'll get to have some happiness of her own
But for now she cleans off the tables
Because it's the end of the night and everyone is gone
She'll go back to her apartment
Turn on all the lights
And pretend she likes the silence

I was the only one
Who you never taught to fish
Because I didn't want to learn
That weekend we were at the lake
It was your 80th birthday
And I said
Maybe next time
Not knowing
That there wouldn't be a next time
But that weekend was still my favorite
At the top of the list
Of all of the weekends I've ever had
Because I spent it outside
With the people whose blood would match mine
If they were to fall
On those stone steps
That look like God put them there himself
Surrounded by the most beautiful trees
Leading to the shimmering blue bowl
That He drinks from in the summer
In the blistering heat

You wouldn't say so
That He created this masterpiece
Now engraved at the front of my memory
But you called to the birds
Because you knew they would answer
And you swam in the bowl
Because you knew it would be cooler than the thick summer air
And you cast out your line
To see if the fish would come
And they did
But only to you

God speaks to those who will listen
And the fish come to those who know how to call them
Because the water and the forest and the fields and the sky
Were your church
And you prayed with your hands
When you tied the line
And whittled the wood
And you thanked with your eyes
When you watched the birds
And admired the trees
And you spread the Word
When you sang back to the insects
And called to the animals
As if you knew what you were saying to them

You came alive in nature
And it came alive with you
Not once did you complain
About the heat
Or the cold
Or the bugs
Or the waves
Or the weeds
Or the storms
You knew what would happen
And that it could not be controlled
Because nature had a plan
And that plan meant taking you
Earlier than we had liked
But not too early
For you lived your life completely
And now you are one with the earth
Perhaps Mother Nature
Did give birth to you
And now the breeze I smell
And the sun I see
And the birds I hear
And the grass I feel
Is you

You might not have taught me to call the fish
But you taught me to never stand with my back to the ocean
So it would not push me down
If you stand with your back to the ocean
You cannot see the waves
Breaking in their strength and glory
They will beg for your attention
Look at me
They cry
Look to the horizon
Going on forever
Watch the sun set
Watch the light slip away
There is darkness in this world
Face it, head on
Watch the stars start to shine
Your little pieces of light
Look for the moon
Almost as bright as the sun
Watch the sun set
Because tomorrow, it will rise

It feels weird talking to you
Like we're both too afraid
To laugh or make a joke
Or to say something that might prompt
I miss you, remember when we used to be friends?

That time is still too close
The cut I sliced into you
Has not yet become a scar

I'm still sorry I made you bleed
But you beat me and bruised me
Until I forgot how my skin looked before

Things aren't how they used to be
We didn't pick up where we left off
Because when I left you it was 2 am
And we were both in tears
Wondering if we would ever be the same

Now I'm trying not to bring up the fact
That I know everything about you
Because it might hurt to think about what used to be
And what if things have changed?
What if the person I knew so much about doesn't exist anymore?

Maybe you're happier now
I know I am
Maybe you're still trying to find a reason
I don't have an answer
For why I did what I did
I just knew I had to stop drinking the water
To get rid of the poison

This was probably a bad idea
Getting your hopes up
And mine

Sometimes I just want to cry
And tell you to love me
I want you to know me
I want you to fix me
I want you to break me

I want to be the most important thing in your life
The way I was before
And I want to break your heart
Over and over and over again
Please just talk to me
And think about me before you fall asleep
And pray that I love you back
Even though you know I never will

I want to annoy you
Until 3 in the morning
When we both should be asleep
I want to call you
When I'm drunk and alone
Because no one else will put up with it

The hardest thing I have to learn
Is if I really want you
Or a replacement
I guess I have options
I just need to take my pick

Please don't leave just yet
But stay oh so far away
Off in the distance
Where I can see your body
But don't have to read your face
Follow me wherever I go
Try to make no sound
And I'll look back but keep on walking
Until days like today
Where I just need to know
That you still care

The last guy I kissed
I haven't stopped thinking about
I kissed him in his bed
In the middle of the night
When we both should have been asleep

But I woke him up
Trying to get closer
And he woke up
And tried to get closer
I felt his fingers very lightly touch my hip
As if he was scared to press down
In fear I might notice
(but I did anyway)

So I pushed my bones out
Because I was scared he would feel me
And no longer be interested

"Stop."

The word escaped my lips
(I surprised myself)
He let out a sound
In between kisses
(He was confused)
Eventually he gave up
(Not that he was trying that hard)
And he went back to sleep
With his arms around me
My fingers tracing his hands
And still, I tried to get closer

He was the last man to touch my lips
And most of the time
I want him to be the next

I always wondered what you thought
when you kissed me
because your eyes always remained shut
as if you did not want to open them
and see that it was me
So I watched you
before, during, after
and sometimes
I thought I saw you smile

I always thought that maybe
you wanted the kisses more
than you wanted me
and I was squeezing into a space
smaller than my body
but I would do,
for now,
and I stopped smiling
just in case

I always noticed how you kissed me
on the cheek
and on the top of my head
and on the shoulder
when I was not looking at you
as if you were trying to break through
and send it through my veins
straight to my heart
and I could not help but smile

I always assumed nothing would change
and the fake love we had
would remain in the dark
of your bedroom with beer in our blood
and we would act cordial
the following week as we sat in class
People would say to me
I didn't realize you two were friends
as they saw you smile at me

I never realized that a day would come
when you would kiss me
when the sun was up
no longer hiding
from the rest of the world
but you did
and afterwards
you didn't do anything but smile

As we sat on your couch
Early in the morning
Sun shining through the windows
Cold air creeping in
My head started to spin

You set your alarm
Hockey was waiting
Your favorite thing

I kept you next to me
For just a little bit longer
But you eventually walked downstairs
And left me to sleep

As tired as I was
I could not sleep
Your voice echoing through the silent house
My mind and heart racing
Wanting to be with you

I gave in to your call
Tucked myself behind your legs
Watched you watch your lifelong dream

I didn't expect anything
Except to be ignored
Or meerly unnoticed
For I was just a girl in your house
Not a hero on ice

You wrapped your fingers around mine
I felt your stare
Your lips pressed to my head
How did I deserve
To steal your attention?

Counting down the seconds on the screen
Time before I need to go
1:06, 1:05, 1:04
Is this what life with you is like?
What it would be if it were just us two?
0:31, 0:30, 0:29
I could stay here all day
Like you asked me to do
0:02, 0:01, 0:00
For the next few minutes
All you want is me

I tell you I need to leave
Right now? you ask
Right now. I say
You tell me I should stay

The stairs creak under my feet
The zipper on my boots resist
My fingers and the buttons fight

You stand for me
As I walk down the stairs
Morning-after royalty in the castle of her prince
Will you bow as I remove my crown?

You have never kissed me
As hard as you did
In that moment before I left

It felt as though
You were trying to shoot your soul
Through my lips instead of
Forcing your body around my tongue
So that I could only say your name

Goodbye, my seven hour valentine
The only one I've ever had
You asked at two in the morning
On February 15th
But I like to think it still counts

A little less than a year ago, you kissed me in your room
I spent the rest of the weekend freaking out because you didn't talk to me
I thought you regretted it
I thought I had done something wrong

A little less than a year later, you did more than kiss me in your bed
I spent the rest of the weekend thinking that things were fine
And then your best friend posted on Facebook
That you were searching for a girlfriend

I have no idea what you think about me
If when people ask about your love life, my face flashes in your mind
You call yourself "very single"
But if I know everything about you, including all your friends
If at the end of the night, you're the one tipping the bartender
If no matter how many girls you meet, I'm still the one you call
If you've started treating me the same when you're sober
Does the word "very" still apply?

I would agree with you--you are single
You can do whatever you want with whoever you like
Just know that it's at the expense of my heart

They say that there's always someone who cares more
I like to think that person is you
But you have nothing to lose
My heart starts to break every time you talk about another girl
I never say a word about another guy
It's only you
So maybe you do care more, but I'm the one getting hurt
Tell me, how is that fair?

I have always noticed
That while this city is filled with females
The library is filled with men
Middle-aged; average, maybe less
Sitting at computers
Afternoons
Weekdays

Today I saw them, for the hundreth time
I finally realized
These men have nowhere else to go
Some of them, maybe
But nowhere they would rather be
They're looking for jobs
To feed their families, themselves
This library is their 9-5
No qualifications necessary

I sit in the Bates Room
Surrounded by green lamps and wood tables
Books line the walls, and the gray clouds do not let the sun shine in
The image of academia, the most scholarly of steeples
A man sits across the room
In a navy hat and gray sweater
Book open in front of him
Exactly halfway through

He dozes off
Time and time again
The security guard wakes him up

People walk in and out
Taking pictures and admiring the architecture

I wonder what he's thinking