I soaked myself in the torrential downpour
I walked fifteen minutes to get here to this cafe
I didn't buy cigarettes
I didn't think you'd show

You surprised me
All I could do
is wave
meekly


Hello...

avatar, avatar
wispy locks of flaxen pixels
   tender doe eyes, fragmented
     gentle curves and
                                     GLITCH: 1.v -  acne
                                    >solve>run - apply.coverup.resolve
                                                ...pending

It's when your stomach
hurts
and you dont remember why you were sad and
nothing is really super important
except yourself
and you just laugh because you can and the sky is so pretty
and you can feel sunshine's essence exuding from the holes in your skin
and your bones are filled with electricity
but it's rubber
and you can do anything
ANYTHING
anything because you're you and nobody else can be you
and the world is there to look at, so full of pretty things

and it doesn't matter if there's somebody or nobody or everybody by your side
because it's just that perfect moment when the love in you body is a droplet
it hits the ground and wrenches itself into shapes
patterns that coalesce
you are enraptured, the sight is burning
into your retinas the perfectional bliss that is
being
the will'o'the'wisp that is your soul entangles with the white light and branches
the creature that is imagination and folly
folly with soft ears and kawaii smirks

*****
patches of grass
the birds are landing in your branches now
congregational hazards
social anxiety
disillusioned, giving in
but you don't mind the flocking free-loaders
YOU'RE A STAR
stellar beings never slow down
for a moment
unless they are enjoying the view
witness the retching as
spectrum slideshow
the colors spill out, tumbling
across the sidewalk
out of her veins
she is god
we are free
be happy
lift your arms
be happy

But I haven't got a stitch to wear
-morrissey

I am beautiful
I am any kind of beautiful I want to be
I am am every kind of beautiful
I am beautiful when I wake up
I am beautiful when I cry
I am beautiful when nobody is looking
And I am beautiful
In my own eyes
When I am alone
and in pain
I am beautiful
When I chainsmoke
instead of eat
I am beautiful
when I ****
I am beautiful
when I'm inebriated and asinine
and *****
and not
I am so beautiful
even when I harm my skin
because my beauty lies underneath the flesh and bones of
me

yet


every time somebody asks

whoa
*** happened to your arm, man?




I just
stammer

i don't like this website anymore
everything is deep and wonderful and precious
it reaches skinny white arms like little wires down slipping down
into my skin and tugs
invasively
I'm not crying
that's just the wind
whipping my hair about in this daylight charade
as I pretend
to dislike the feeling
suckerpunches to the stomach
oof
another to the heart


I love your poetry
but it's tearing me apart

Allergens
Memories
Strong spices
Leave your scars

I'll send them below

Precious new memories will replace
Your unwelcome pain
Napkins and longboards
electronic haze
I don't watch Disney

I wish I
didn't know my parents
But I take this for granted again

Outbreaks
Gluten
Shedding
Flannels before they were Cool
painting my room
two shades of black
Shakira

I'll share my life
If you will pretend I'm awake enough
To absorb yours

Can we become closer?

and the pet store doesn't open until noon
so we walk to the library
      SORRY, WE ARE CLOSED
Spend an hour in Marc's
another 30
moments in the Dollar Tree
Moon pies and orange soda
memories, swing sets, green knees
we're too old to climb trees
Spending the day outdoors
This is perfect

No no, don't ***** the lid on the jar of M&M;'s
Just set it on top so when I go to grab the jar
it rainbows everywhere
Decorating the floor
I didn't want any
They were just the only form of chocolate in this place
this godforsaken apartment where you've come to die
I'm a temporary installment
Until my wings are dry
I just want a respite from the hustle and bustle
Isolating myself in your sewing room
I ignore the world, only leaving for necessity
I just crave sweets and heavy music
All I have is my music
You had M&Ms;
But don't worry
I didn't want them

I screamed loudly
they measured each scream
it seemed to fit
they nodded, and clicked on my heart
following my descent
into
madness
and I replay sad violin music, and try to slow down the harmful strokes.
you
you you you
you ALL
sit by
and nod
and hem
and haw
and enjoy
the raw beauty
that are
to you
just
*******
words

My stomach cries to me, begs pitifully
gurgling like a drowning old crone
I don't give a ****

my stomach shouts at me to move
I dont give a ****

I do

"And I feel like I'm losing my mind
Banging my head up against the wall
Staring at nothing 'cause I can't sleep at night
Can't make it stop, yeah I think too much
What do I do? Falling apart
I need a shock straight to my heart
No one would want to be in my shoes right now, oh"

the tears run freely
my sweat makes me feel hot and stuffed into my clothing
uncomfortable in my skin
the pain isn't helping
the smell of burnt skin and hair
baby nobody even wants me

All of my Facebook "friends"
are asleep
I honestly have nobody I can talk to
Will someone please talk to me

Words
wantlikejustfeelwayhandknowpaintimeworldlovenightthinkalrig­htstopgoingwon'titchheartfasterlongeatgoodbreathingsmokedarklivin­gsoulwomensayokayrunohspacecoldsleepcloseblacktattoomushroomsself­truthpreferheavylostlongertodayfeedlatedrugs mean days hunger fine weight hair drawn teacher shaking promise bed feeling leave times spinning keeps songs *** abyss cares terrible tried bring bad voice laughter hurt gave guess apathy you've blood skin life left aware little away they're strength things hate doesn't whiskey pulsing ended breath returned men eyes inch turn hold kiss lips pull look joe control warming blame footsteps stuffed shroud shows horizons moral engulf someday understand stops blushing hush decide weapon describing pattern lover solace confident carefree addicted expect lucid absent appeal laying cleaning banished screaming honest diligent scrape disillusioned loneliness splitting stitch grief closer hug science animals smoking collars bud guilt rhythm steals company offered accepting **** bottles lend weather birthday exists ignored cooking admire tough darling mere steal knife affection lap wayside silently passes vision uncertainty guilty vivid bonfires recall hated instinct disaster madness hungry lyrics escape pains ******* necklace halt routines adopt invaded evolved spaghetti antisocial stash proximity manifestation vying comics eyeliner stashed flannels inked successfully batman spiderman faceless vibrato attentions skylines tattoos joker legion sanguine teetering unrequited complications artwork auras logos brother's shakira all-encompassing can- michelle's 15 18th m83 mcr dissmisser's blesser's terribleaspect voidof nobody's soul's day's fellers skewing fran dumbed underdogs gaming skype unshowered she's aren't what's they'll let's sinartra coagulate swallowing ammunition heartbeat ideas affirmation beard tempo brink slows gloat deer lace studded require throbs believes spectrum detached crescendos cheer favor foundations tugging forgiving ablaze gentlemen extended falseness convinced beasts normality saturday

everyone feels sad
angry
pathetic
used
abused
confused
reused
everyone uses
abuses
drinks
delays
betrays
I haven't been through the worst of it yet
I need to toughen up
This is just passing a kidney stone
From taking everything with two grains of salt
and it will get better down the road
sweet heart sweet beloved child hunny bae
cliche
I'll cut and burn you out of my brain anyway

i'll bleed from the same old wounds all the same
it was for you that i retrace old scars
it was for you
i feigned maturity
it was
you
who caused me to scream into my pillow and take all my pills
and pass out for 22 hours
and dream of you
you

they both require so much ******* effort and I cant

GASPING I
fall from the bed, embarrassed I attempt
a climb
but I pull the sheets from my bed with clammy hands
that shske
and quiver
i cant see anymorew

this body aches
from my mother's house
from the lack of nutrition
from the fresh burns
but i promised I'd stop
but I promised
but you aren't here to stop me.
I'll smoke as much **** as I need to.
and fantasize about the intelligent, soft-spoken
well-worded
perfect everything
he likes my poetry, and says it reminds
him
of Simon Armitage

tell me you understand
pretend you can feel my pain
put yourself in my shoes
buy me food when I say I'm not even hungry
watch my face when I leave the bathroom
ask if I've eaten
care
at all

don't do any of these things
I'm giving that up for good

my chest
as I come down from the vivid high
and sink back into my concrete shoes
and forget the hunger I had for
life
and anything
even food, but now
I feel the pain
return
as I recall
getting into the car
the was no space, so she let me sit
on her lap
and she doesn't let anyone hug or
touch her
I invaded her space, for a time
then she was silently
alright with me.
But she mentioned I gained weight
and how much her legs hurt
15 pounds
i wanted to cry out
i never feel this way
but the drugs have worn off
my pains have returned
my aches, my deep wounds
emotion and memories
and the little ***** who lives in my left breast and steals my energy and
                                                        sanit­y
either way
that's all i remember
and I'm never going to eat again

Body

doves fly out from under my tarry skin
tearing out globules of thick black ooze
***** birds, symbols of purity hope and harmony
when did I let them in?

I write this poem and

light breaks over my natty head
stimulation of every cell that turns yearns
bleeds
revival of the circle
my stem in awakening
becomes malleable and un-ordinary
no longer shall i sit
stagnant

My being reaches solar flares for your psyche
we flimsy beings only want a soft touch
the heat of proximity whence our bones collide
it is only a passing glancing of the skin
yet my cheeks
redden.
Touch is but one more way we become one

My hair is growing longer
I've lost weight - but not the bad way
this time
My new necklace
Your beard is longer too, oh it curls
What's that? Did you get that at work?
It doesn't look serious
I have nightmares
My artwork
Band logos
Smoke with me
Skylines
Tattoo ideas
Michelle's saggy ****, drawn hastily and without detail
but you prefer it that way
Oh how cute
your dogs are trying to steal your pillow
I guess I can be lonely
I'll fight with nobody
except for my stuffed animals for the
empty space

I can't wait to get my tattoos.
I'll get the lyrics of all my favorite songs and poems
on my back
even though they say it's
not cool to get them where I can't see them
but you can admire them and trace them and read them
and kiss them
Will you lick my skin?
How do I taste, late at night
unshowered and covered in the day's breath?


If you promise to kiss every tattoo I get
I will get every inch of me inked
**Every inch

My body is cold, i can see from the
goosebumps.

the clammy feeling of being gently strangled
... it frightens me

I don't want to be here, but I
can't leave...

hot hot heat spreads down my body as i give,
cold dead fingers trace my skin while I still breathe

dance or die
they whisper to me
dance or die

i sip from the wineglass
holding the stem as though I am
high class
the liquid splashes into my mouth, waking my tastebuds
the bubbles burn my throat as I
chug and chug and
no - i lightly sip
and wait for the days when it is socially acceptable to my mother
to drink something stronger than red
mountain dew, mixed with juice

who cares if the spaghetti sticks to the ***
who cares if a guest shows up late
it's not her 18th birthday
it's my baby brother's
and I'll wear my nose ring if I want to

I love you for your laughter
your soft hair
the morning routines I tried to adopt, that you have down to a science
the way you gaze into the abyss
with tender expressions
the careful footsteps
the blushing falseness
the pretty lace and ribbons
the black eyeliner and studded collars


BUT

beards and hunting and fishing
flannels and strength and handsome fellers
truck stops and smoking
whiskey and bonfires
g i joe and spiderman

but most of all batman and joker
the complications of comics

gaming on friday nights with bottles of bud
I love men and boys and women and girls and ladies and gentlemen

to pick up women
and leave them gently

to avoid confrontation
and when it's necessary

to treat your acne
and wear it well anyways

to love heavy metal
and frank sinatra

to love our mother
and to disregard her opinion

i lied for you
i cried with you
we shared each moment
learning together

i will die for you
little brother

Will you make my mistakes?
will you love and be loved?
will you hurt and be hurt?

I fear to watch you leave the nest
Though I understand you can't stay any longer.
I don't want you to grow up like me.
I may be a bad girl and share all my adventures with you
some of the time it's so you'll learn without ever experiencing.
Others I want you to live on your own and try everything!
You love me enough to know the difference
Please be strong
Little ladykiller

Take me into the closet again
beat me with your leather book of
fallacies, conflicting messages strewn across pages
of decades
by faulted scribes, spitting glossolalia
into young children

keep the food from me, I do not need it
as I am only a child of 8
a coldness clenched my hot little body
as I drew rusty nail across pale little arm
the first time, i thought myself to be a god
your Jesus took away my sinful love
for the girl at church.
I will take it away with this nail
i tear it away
as a cold rain runs over my fire
my insides scream as my emotions numb
flightless bird am I, trapped in the nest

all I wanted was anything.

I stand small in this moment
as you lie to the school nurses about my
bruise
       but in the next I am
Tallest for my struggle.
I recall every dark night
starved and worn
barred from the world, I found solace in
a rusty nail
the neighbour's dogs
the asymmetrical patterns in the carpet
the littlest flower
because that was all I could see
from my closet
window,
and that was only when I was tall enough to reach.

Take my bones.
Rend my flesh.
Run calloused fingertips along my smooth bare shoulder
before you
cut in deep with rusty blades
Wreck me like a *****
Internal bleeding and prolonged suffering
are far better


than my loving for another
woman

I don't believe it's terrible
that I'm always this detached

I want to feel alive
I can't control my apathy

Sweet sorrow engulf me, please
it would mean I feel

I wish I was in Connecticut
I want to hold something close
and feel

unstable

for once i feel stable in my life
but these bricks shoes are entirely too heavy
I don't mind the feeling
of floating
the breeze may batter and abuse me
but someday my seed will root
maybe Connecticut
is fertile

We laugh and sleep and zone into our screens
someday we will do this again
my perspective can change
I'll look over your shoulder
you can kiss mine
I'll stop reading you memes you can't see

Your height is a number
I want you to surpass my idea of you

Can we get married yet?
I want to show you all the things I create
Let's create something small and full of
life
our eyes
our hearts
our bodies
we can blend

take everything
from the inside
and throw it all
away
- linkin park

i want a cigarette
i can't decide how much i want to be
happy
i want this
i want this
i will breathe
because i want to
and because this depression is
just a moment of pain

in new zealand
water runs inside of
someone
stalking sheep
and feeling the closest thing to
sane

The decline begins with me aching
It started in my back
How has it reached my heart so quickly?
I see nothing useful in these scarred hands
Jeez

I could leave it all behind
pack my bags and overnight
redeye
goodbye

wind up in your arms
try to start a new
life
love a little
become greater

everything is uncertain
i could stay and grow stability
or leave and gain you
i should stay
i'm only just starting my new job
you care about my future

but what if I ignore you and
come to you
and never leave your side?

I feel as though I've lost my emotions
But gained perspective.

I found new ways to be healthy
I found myself
I have finally attained a grasp on reality
and in the meantime
I haven't changed
I just lost the passionate flair for everything dear
Where is my mind? My mind is rooted firmly to the ground
8-1
Prepping food
2-10
Sleep
11-8
Gaming, starving, bleeding
I revisit my past pains and try them on like scarves in the mirror
Does this still look any good on me now that I've changed?
The cuts have changed
Or maybe I have
The deeper the better
That's why they call me a hipster



I prefer "bohemian"





I can't feel attraction
There goes my heart, falling asleep when I needed it most

I don't know what to do or how to handle these feelings
Then I get an apathetic streak
I treat everything with such indifference
And then I just feel pain.

I see others constant updates on how many pills they want to take.
But I feel like this is so beyond me.
Where am I?

Darling I know you run faster
Don't give in now
Let's beat this disaster
They'll never catch us
Breathing is such a simple rhythm
Match your pace to the the beating of your heart
Do us a favor and don't look back, now
You can run faster
You can run faster
I won't go on without you
No, I can't just leave you
Get back on your feet this is no time for games
You still have strength
I can carry you
NO
Don't stop breathing!
They're close now, but we can still make it
You have so much to live for
Stop crying
What do you mean by "I'll see you again someday"
We have so much to see
I'm not going anywhere without you
I'll stay here
The end is close but please just get up
They're almost upon us
Please, we can still get away
We can-

Twisting, curling.
Soft, luscious
Ginger, black.... sultry

I nibble, I pet, I grasp...
I wish I had the capabilities.

Be confident. Know that now is only a moment, and that if today is as bad as it gets, understand that by tomorrow, today will have ended. Be gracious. Accept each extended hand offered, to pull you back from the somewhere you cannot escape. Be diligent. Scrape the gray sky clean. Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light. Be forthright. Despite your instinct to say "it's alright, I'm okay" - be honest. Say how you feel without fear or guilt, without remorse or complexity. Be lucid in your explanation, be sterling in your oppose. If you think for one second no one knows what you've been going through; be accepting of the fact that you are wrong, that the long drawn and heavy breaths of despair have at times been felt by everyone - that pain is part of the human condition and that alone makes you a legion. We hungry underdogs, we risers with dawn, we dissmisser's of odds, we blesser's of on – we will station ourselves to the calm. We will hold ourselves to the steady, be ready player one. Life is going to come at you armed with hard times and tough choices, your voice is your weapon, your thoughts ammunition – there are no free extra men, be aware that as the instant now passes, it exists now as then.
Be forgiving. Living with the burden of anger, is not living. Giving your focus to wrath will leave your entire self absent of what you need. Love and hate are beasts and the one that grows is the one you feed.