Everyone leaves
                                                  for lunch break,
           and I'm left here,

questioning my appearance.

Paper skin
     The ink runs right off

Straw hair
     I can't seem to chop

Glass hands
     No one can hold

Plaster legs
     From a broken mold

i could feel your eyes on me as i laughed
i looked up across the room and there you were
looking straight back
you weren't wearing your glasses
and i don't know about your contacts
so i don't know how much of me you could see
even though i've shown you more than most will ever
i'm sorry for that burden
that painful privilege
i hope you could see me today
well enough to notice my hesitation before i looked back
to the source of my cheer
you are the source of confusion
my desire has been untangling itself but i fear i'll never be free
and i'll be stuck under your gaze
while you continue to not love me

All I want this year is
Just a little bottle
Or a little jar
With a little something
To make me a lot forgetful
About you
Because I'm tired
Of memories
About you
Christmas or otherwise

Out of place and rather uncertain
Lacking instructions, suggestions and a warning
Bouncing about like a toy ball
Uncomfortable with all my tics
I've always felt so quirkily and small

Lacking order and any sense of being,
Feeling out of place, unloved no ones ever hearing,
Broken and bruised from head to toe,
My scars shining bright against the pale white snow,
Just because I couldn't learn to walk straight,

Crooked toothed but grinning
I always feel like I'm sinning
Every time I'm early I feel late
Burnt to a crisp is the price of the flame
I'm just a solo player stuck in this game*

Maybe I'm the sinner and you're the saint,
Your halo is burning, getting lost in the flames,
Take my hand and join with me,
For we can end the heartache that seems to be,
Lets be awkward together,
There's no one better

Be real
Be original
Be classy
Be traditional
Love your family
And save me from mine
Tell me nerdy jokes
Make me snort out laughing
Let me adjust to your touch
Be patient enough not to rush
Remember the things I tell you
And open up to me too
Ask me questions
Bandage my cuts
Be my two A.M.
Be yourself
And let me be me

Bring it on
I'm ready to
Burn again
As you hold
The dripping wax
Closer
I'm debating
The pattern
I want burned
Onto my skin
Melted
Melt me
We're all melting
And he left my side
So what have I to lose
Pour the wax down
My throat
Maybe it will
Keep me together
Like he used to

no matter where i look
i can see my inadequacy
reflected in
everything i do
everything i say

everyone is worse off
with me around
why can't i just fix myself
permanently

if someone else isn't
breaking me
i am

When he is hundreds of miles away
When he is right in front of you
When he forgets to talk to you
When he simply says hi
When he kisses another girl
When he surfaces in your memory
When he encourages you to meet new people
When he wants to meet up again
When he has to go back
When he forgets you as days turn into years
When he speaks to you less than his family does
When he tells you he loves you
When he introduces you as his friend
When he introduces you as a girl he used to know

You all want to be my friend
Shower me in compliments
Until you actually get to know me
Then you disappear
And I feel even worse

My skin is wrapping paper
I want to tear off

But I can't let you
See what's inside
So I stay disguised
As an ungly present
Imperfect and bulging

No one will open me
Christmas morning
Because I'm the nightmare
Before, during, and after

However I'm already ripped
And as you get glimpses inside
I don't blame you for running away

Shh, don't tell
Shh, don't tell
Is what he says
As he puts me
Through hell*

I was so unafraid
And utterly brilliant
My peace was taken by him
Now my brilliant light is dim

Everyday I wake praying it was all a dream.
I open my eyes hoping to find you beside me.

Sorry my eyes are brown
And my hair's ***** blonde
And I'm skinny but not thin enough

Sorry I'm too short, too tall
And I'm not much of anything
And I had to quit dancing

Sorry my skin is too pale
And I have all these freckles and moles
And all these scabs and scars

Sorry I'm curved wrong
And my eyes are bad
And I talk too much

Sorry I stopped trying in school
And I'm shy but forward
And I'm an idealist

Sorry I'm broken
And uncertain
And afraid

Sorry I'm not any of the things you wanted
Sorry I loved you anyway

Have you missed me?
Didn't think so.
Do you remember when you last saw me?
I do.

I hate how crazy I get when my thoughts multiply
I hate how angry I get when my thoughts multiply
Where am I supposed to go to save myself from me

Where am I supposed to go now that you've left me
Please let me open my eyes and see you again
Please let me once again feel your arm's embrace

Don't forget the girl who smells like paper and ink

i want to scream in your face
because of what you say
stop being him
stop being him
i am not a game
can't we just be straightforward
for one **** conversation
stop dancing around me
stop fishing me in and giving me slack
i want to scream in your face

He just wanted to help
An arm is grabbed
Her heart skips a beat
No, not good, not good...
She can't move
Can't breathe
Inhale, exh-
Inhale, exh-
Can't breathe
She is red, airbrushed porcelain
Can't meet his eyes
Says please don't touch me
He laughs
Please don't touch me
Her body is shaking
Her mind is racing
P-please
He lets go
And she's still alone

My hands just sit in my lap
Fidgeting with each other
Shoved in my sweatshirt pockets
Playing with my hair nervously
Tucked into my elbows with crossed arms
Grabbing onto my own body for stability
Retreated into my long sleeves

Why do they distract me so?
One object makes me stare.
I'd decided to walk away from that ridiculous fantasy...
But that dream? What was that?
I'm not sure what way it swayed me last night,
But today, that change,
I just couldn't look away...

Don't tell me to stop apologizing when everything is my fault.

                                        *everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

                                        everything is my fault

the faucet's dripping...

i wonder when the water will
    
                                                              r                                               ?
                                                                 u                                        t
                                                                       n                            u
                                                                                            o

I'm not going to beg you to stay
I'm not going to sob please don't go
I'm not going to say you're too young
I'm not going to pretend it can all just be fixed

But I want you to know
I'll miss you everyday, like I already do
I'll pray for you everyday, like I already do
Some near four months ago now, when I joined this site
          you were my first like and follow
          you made me want to write, you still do

You are a comfort and an anchor
I only wish I could be the same for you
You are like my brother, but not, because you'd never hurt me
You make me feel like smiling and
          I wish I could show you my smile, give you my laugh
          give you back all the things you've given me

Late August this guy who called himself Magicath started following me
          and I thought it was the greatest thing ever
But what was greater was getting to know the Playlist Of Souls
          behind the screen name

Andy, I'm not going to ask you to stay for me, because no one's
          been able to do that before,
          never mind like this
But for you to stay
          is my own tearful, secret wish

~"g"

This time I shall be perfect,
                                  if you'll come back.

I am so cold
I am so numb
I am so old
I am so young
I am so empty
I am so done
I am so scared
I am so dead

Magazines tell me how
                                           pretty
I am.
School tells me how
                                           smart
I am.
"Friends" tell me how
                                           funny
I am.
Instructor tells me how
                                           talented
I am.

Can't I just be
                                           me?
With no comparative quality necessary?

He's a freshman.

Does that make me a pervert?
A junior would be fine,
A sophomore isn't too bad;

But he's a freshman.

If I was a guy and he were a girl,
     Would I feel less weird?
Am I a cougar?
Because I'm a senior, and

He's a freshman.

FAILURE.** NO GOOD. NOTHING. WORTHLESS.
LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHING. WOR
THLESS. LOSER. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTHIN
G. WORTH
LESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE.
NO GOOD.
NOTHING. WORTHLESS. LOSE
R. FAILURE. NO GOOD. NOTH
ING. WORTHLESS. LOSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS. L
OSER. FAIL
URE. NO G
OOD. NOT
HING. WO
RTHLESS.

Freshman year:
honor roll, top 15%, on the right track (academically)

Senior year:
failing 3/8 classes, thrown out of the honor society, crying

I'd give him
                      anything if
              he'd let me
                                     continue
              to lie
              
              here
                          staring
      into his eyes.

That's all I
                       want.

Maybe he lost my number
Maybe he forgot where I live
Maybe he's out on vacation
Maybe he's ******* with classes
Maybe he had a relative die
Maybe his brother relapsed
Maybe he's... still sleeping
Maybe he has amnesia
             that would explain how
             he could just forget everything

The spring breeze blew
The summer haze heated
The fall leaves left
The winter frost froze

The summer haze heated
Lost fish tried to swim
The winter frost froze
Weary travelers turned to dust

Lost fish tried to swim
Fog retreated into itself
Weary travelers turned to dust
Time stopped counting

The spring breeze blew
Fog retreated into itself
Time stopped counting
The fall leaves left