I'll be the first one to admit that you make me uneasy
Not for a lack of feelings or presence of some
But simply because you are the living embodiment of my past
And I hate confrontation
So when I see you there
Behind a metal bar round and round
Like a pool noodle in a blender
My heart stops
But alas to day is the day I find the strength to stand
Not up to you or against you but stand on my own

There is a fine line to happiness
And at the end I'd like to believe stands you
Open arms and waiting for me
I want to savor every step
Every memory
Yet I can't wait to reach the end
However the future is shrouded with mystery
And the picture isn't real clear
Which is the only reason I take it one step at a time
Feel my way into what's to come
But with every step I believe a little more It's you
And I know I might be wrong as I often am
But I've never wanted anything more

Bruised around the ankles
Burns on my thighs
Never be perfect
So why even try

When I close my eyes I dream of you
Wrapped up tight in blue
Little darling I dream of you
Your soft pale skin
And eyes full of sky
Your voice like an angel
With anguish in your cry
So small yet so perfect in every way
Hold you close tomorrow and every day

Put the gun up to my head
Pull the trigger
Now she's dead
Doesn't really matter anyways
Tomorrow is here

The flowers have burst their buds
And the rivers will start to flood
But she lies cold in a patch of daises
Like a queen amongst her subjects
But she rules over none

And as the sky bleeds into grey
It dosn't matter anyway
Because tomorrow is here to stay

A baby rabbit fur grey as the sky lies dead
Her eyes stare blankly upward
Watching god
Her body lifeless
Her family gone
She is cold and helpless in my hands
And I cannot help but think
She has gone too soon
As many before her

Days turn to hours,
Hours to minutes,
Minutes to seconds.
Time slips away,
Faster and faster with every moment,
Until I'm stranded without you.

If you were to ask if I missed you
I am supposed to say no
Supposed to say I've moved on and far away
Supposed to put on a smile and walk away
But the truth is I do miss you
I miss never feeling alone
I miss how you understood what I was feeling
I miss the awful jokes
And the long days
And you weren't perfect
I know that now
But you were there when I needed you
You gave me my life back

I close my eyes and I can see your face.
Sometimes clear as day.
Others, dusted with fear and pain.
And I wonder if this is some cruel trick.
Left dreaming forever.
Of a man I may never see again.

I remember the emptiness in your eyes
Waiting for you to die
You never knew I turned out just like you
What a sick twisted game it is
I remember speaking to you softly
Watching you struggle to eat
And I remember telling you
"It's me, your grand-daughter"
Only for you to just stare in my face
I remember hours of cards in the waiting room
And the very last time I saw you
Tied to a bed
Lost in a dream you would never escape from
Fighting so hard
Ultimately to only give up

I could see it as clearly as if my eyes were open
There as a man in the house
And I'm awake alone
I lay down in the tub out of sight and dial the phone
But while I remain hidden he finds you instead
And he puts a bullet in your head
He passes by the door of the room
And I swear this is how I meet my fate
But he walks past
And out I dash
Out the window
And down the wall
Across the road and again I call
But before they come you are gone
No one could save you
If only I had been god enough.

It starts small
Just the urge
To part my lips and let it happen
But it's easy to ignore
Easy to move on
And slowly it grows
From an urge
The simple unconscious idea
To a want
My brain sends the signal to eat
And I ignore it
My stomach begins to hurt
And I once again ignore it
The pain grows worse as my head too throbs
And my vision blurs
But I push on
Too many pretty girls out there
And I just want to be one
I begin to feel weak
And soon it's all my brains wants to imagine
How good it would feel to eat
But feeling thin will feel better
My brain starts to lag and I just say to myself
Just one more day
Then we can eat

I step over the edge
My feet feel the rope
Test it
And then I step again
Fully on the line
And at first I feel as though I will fall
I wobble and I lean over what feels like miles
And I don't want to fall
It's a fine line and I'm not sure I know how to walk it
But I hope with you here I can take your hand
Walk it to the end
Lest I fall off again
And start all over again

Ten Little Fingers
And Ten Little Toes
Not Even I Know How Far This Will Go

But Before I Do
And It's All Begun
Dare I Say Lets Have Some Fun

Don't Try To Stop Me
No Don't Even Dare
Cause We Both Know Life Isn't Fair

I'd like to dream of a dress as white as snow.
But then again what do I know?
I'd like to imagine a stone cool as water.
But then again why even bother?
I'd like to think about all the things to come.
But I suppose not until right now is done.

I am covered in skin
Much like you are
Cells keeping all my veins and parts inside
The thin yet strong barrier between me and the world
And yet with all this skin
Not an inch of it belongs to me
Some is his
And his
And his
Some is for the media
And a little is for her
I feel their hands on me
Ripping me apart
Taking their shares
Until there is noting left
Nothing to hold the veins nor parts
And I come undone

Went all these years without having an opinion worth sharing
Why would it change now?
To speak up is to be shut up
And to stand out is to be cut down.

I stand in the mirror and I must ask
Who am I?
As I see it now I'm an upcoming young woman
Dressed in white with the future laid out before her
Finally commanding the respect I once craved
But I listen to the music
Our old songs
And I remember when I was nothing more than a passenger
Just trying to get to a destination
And somewhere between here and now I changed
From another emo gutter rat to a lady
And for so long this is what I thought I wanted
But the title of lady doesn't suit me at all
So as I stand in the mirror it's not one reflection I see but two
A put together lady in red
And a thrasher in black
And they both smile the same sick twisted way
And I just wish it was easy to figure it out
Who am I?

I hate the way you can't put down a drink
And I hate the way your stupid mind tends to think
I hate watching the tears fall
Cause spilled milk isn't worth crying over at all
I hate the way you destroy me inside
And I hate the darkness you put behind my eyes
I hate the way you say it's my fault
Cause I'm not another follower to your cult
I hate the way you act like a *****
Cause I'm getting real tired of this

You make the jokes and I smile as to say sure
Maybe right
And we move onto another topic is discussion
No harm no foul
But you don't see the tears in my eyes as I fall asleep
You can't feel the weight in my heart very moment of every day
So what can I do besides smile when you kid
Do I dare tell you the truth
That what, I'll never be a bride?
Or that women with psychotic tendencies make terrible mothers?
You ignore my warnings
Simply turn them away
And if only it was that easy
If I could loose them like butterflies on a gust of wind
But I'm like an infection you've caught
I'm toxic
I have violent nightmares
Both dreaming and awake
I can't dance or cook or be anything you hope to have
So I don't know why you continue to hold on
Although I hope you never let go
But that's what infections do
Until they **** you

I want to be someone you can look up to
Because you don't see my scars
Or the tears in my eyes
You're too young to know of any real pain
To you I'm another friendly face ready to greet you each morning
And I wish it could stay that way forever
I want to remain perfect to you
Even as time passes us by
And I might just be a memory to you later on
But I want you to look up to me
I want to set the right example
Because I only get to keep you for a short while
So I'll have to be on my best behavior

This feeling fills me
It starts at my toes
And it reaches up until it takes a hold on my heart
It squeezes it and makes each breath feel heavy
And I'm helpless as it fills me to my brim
Then I break and it all pours out
A leak springs from my eyes as tears begin to fall
Because the truth is I'm not strong enough

This pain that is growing inside me
It feels like something to come
Something bad and something terrible
So I ask myself would it even be worth it
Would I even be able to do it
My heart says yes but my body says no
And maybe other girls can dream of a husband
They can dream of a family
But in my dreams all I see is an empty house
And a big tree
I suppose maybe that's all life has for me

The memories of you are fleeting
They rush through my mind like a morning wind
I can barley get a hold of them before they're gone again
And it's not that I miss you
I'ts not like I wish things were different
I'm just replaying the moments like old songs
And imaging that you're here to dance along

Pretty sure this is the feeling a heart makes when it breaks
And I know I've turned the page
I just hope you don't see me the same
And the silence is unending
Cause I know you don't care
Could be today or a year ago
Time hasn't made a difference when it comes to me

You don't know it yet
But you will be mine very soon

But don't worry I'll treat you well
Show you ropes
Then put you though hell

But believe me when I say I love you little one
But this night is unending and daylight has yet to come

I'm a rough tough *******
But believe me I didn't grow up like this
Well life was easier then
Just follow the footsteps of big strong men
And there's nothing wrong with that
The only problem is it's a dogs world and you're a cat
Cats are good cats are kind
But sometimes I like to think with my own mind
And so when dogs will shut you out, shut you down
Some might simply frown
But as I mentioned before I'm rough tough strong and mean
And when I'm ****** i'm less like a cat more like a machine
And it didn't come quick I spent years in doubt
Just trying to figure it out
What made me different what made me a freak
And that's how I spent week after week
Doubting and dissing and hating myself
Until it stared destroying my mental health
And I was tired of hating I needed a rest
So I worked to become the best of the best
I'm not a cat nor a dog I'm sure you can see
I'm a very special breed, I'm me
And maybe I'm not the very best of them all
But you can bet your *** I'll be the last one to fall
So at the end of the day I don't ask that you fall to your knees
Simply step aside while I do as I please
Cause I'm a rough tough *******
And I'm done listening to what men have to pitch