I suppose I should be honest
I am confused

One minutes i'm ****** that you won't even say Hi
And the next I understand because I don't know how to face you

So I suppose I'm sorry
Sorry because there is no easy way to do this

Close my eyes and I can see yours again
Let myself get lost in the distant memory
The song plays through my head
And it's like watching a movie through my own eyes
Because I know it's not real

And I remember how I pressed my head against your chest
How soft your lips felt on my cheek
And how my heart shuddered when you whispered that you loved me
I never wanted it to end

And I'll never forget how soft that dress was
Or the respect I commanded dressed in blood with crown in hand
I wont forget the glittering lights
Or the warm air that night accompanied by the soft breeze

But most of all I wont forget you
Your smile your laugh
Your pocket square with four prongs
I can't forget your dancing
Your sweeping me off my feet

And how could I
You made me feel like a queen for just one night
And as wonderful as it all was
All I really needed that night was you

How times goes by
Only been a year but it's still amazing
Everything that has changed
How we've all aged

I never thought I'd see you all again
but now I can't wait
Funny how the passage of time changes things

Cause time gone by it time you cant return
And the day's I have missed are gone forever
But in the moment we have now
And though the days are limited
I promise to cherish them
Until we part again

Its beautiful I've heard

Sun in the sky
Sand on the beach
Sharks in the water

Now I've never been one for the cold
So to me it seems like paradise
Yet your the one who's there

And I know I said I would follow you there if I had to
But when I make my way to those sand shores someday
You better believe it won't be for you

So I look forward to the day I can smell the salt water in the air
And feel the sand in my toes
While I sand and watch the lava flow

If I started walking now
Maybe I could reach you by sunrise
It's far fetched
And highly unlikely
But a girl can dream
And I dream of the day I can be in your arms again

You are so small
Your eyes are so blue
And your heart is so big

I could hold you forever
You are the most wonderful little thing

Your smile spread from side to side
I saw you like I saw you that night
You were happy
So happy
Just now you're the only one who is

I saw you the second you entered the room
Not that I was watching there just wasn't much else going on
My heart flutters a little cause seeing you is like coming home
And I smile
Four hours to go

You finally enter and I don't think you see me due to sheer distance
Your laughing and well
It brings back memories
I glance over to you from time to time
Same quirky boy I loved
Three hours to go

By now I'm sure you've seen me
But you didn't say hello
Something feels horribly wrong  
I can feel your eyes on me when I turn my back
But otherwise it's like I don't even exist
Two hours to go

I give up
You're not going to see me
Not the way you used to anyways
And part of me understands
But part of me wants to grab you buy the shoulders  
Bring you back to reality
One hour to go

I watch you walk out the door
Too afraid to approach you
And I know you will never approach me
I can't quite put my finger on it
But I feel so sad
Zero hours to go

Red drops onto the spotless counter
Bright crimson against the pale white
A singular red circle in a sky of while
Another drop falls and joins it
Smaller than the first
Then another and another

She looks in the mirror
Maskera streaked like smoke trails against her skin
Pain in her eyes
Her lips quiver and she bows her head
Clear drops falls among the red on the counter

The tears continue to fall as she looks up again
She wipes the tears from her face
As her hand moves over the skin a trail of red appears
Her eyes focus on the smear of blood
She once again wipes her face and she knows what she must do

She takes a breath and looks to her arms
The small cuts seem like whispers in the night
She opens up a makeup compact case
Inside a dozen pieces of broken glass
Just as broken as her

She picks up a curved one
Originally from a glass she broke in the kitchen
About two months ago
Just another incident in a never ending stream
It looks like ice as she sets it against the white counter top

She lines each piece up in a line
Almost like a small army
Preparing for battle
However the war rages inside her
And the end is nowhere in sight

She looks over them
Some duller, older than others
She mulls over them as she makes a decision
And sets a few to the front lines
Looking up once again she takes a breath

Her tears have halted
And her breath stills
All waiting, anticipating
She chooses one
The glass feels so familiar in her fingers

The tip sits pressed against her skin
She winces as she pushes harder
And finally rips through
Skin tears from skin
As the glass glides through her flesh
Like a marathon runner crossing the finish line

The red arises from the depths
It pours over the edges of skin and slides down her wrists
It drips to the counter with ferocity
And soon the drops of red become puddles.

She chooses another recruit
This time a flat piece of glass from a window she dropped
Again it tears into her as she holds her breath
Blood flows and spills against the white
And the tears begin to flow again

Looking down she sees her wrists
Blood covered
They feel so weak
She begins to sob as she lets them fall to her sides
The pain of existence right there on her hands

She sits against the wall until she finds the strength to stand again
The blood on her writs gone from a running stream
To a dark paste
Blood on the counter a aftermath
Dried and black

She picks up a piece of clean glass
Presses it in the open wound and slides it through
The dried blood quickly overcome with a fresh spring or crimson
Once again the drops fall along with her tears

She turns the water on in the sink
It flows clear as day
Clear as the glass sitting beside it
She runs her writs under the cool stream
And winces as the water hits her wounds

The blood runs away and the gaping gashes are all that's left
She grabs a towel and puts it under the water
It dances across the counter as it smears the blood
She wipes it again and again until it all disappears
She runs her arms again under the water cleansing them

Lastly she looks to the glass
Bloodied soldiers only partially lined up
Several scattered around the counter
Like bodies on a battlefield

She scoops them up and washes each one
One by one
She sets the sterile glass back into the makeup compact case
Laying them to rest
Until they will be called to duty again

She looks down at the clear white counter
And turns off the water
She tosses the towel and looks up
A shell of a human being is reflected in the mirror
She wipes her tears again and leaves

Off to fall into the inky blackness of sleep
Hoping and wishing
That if it be even remotely possible
She could wish herself to death
And never wake up

I can remember the first time I saw you like this
You were sitting in the same spot
And you seemed like a good person to talk to

I can remember the first time I saw you like this
You were wearing that same white shirt
And my chest felt heavy

Oh how far we have come

Close my eyes and I'm there again
The cold floor of the kitchen and the heat from the wood stove
Into the hallway and you're there
And it feels too good to be true
Together again
And we can watch old monster movies
Ride dirt bikes through the mud
Shoot arrows at imaginary deer
Just as long as we're together again

She thrashes violently
She can't awake
Can't get away
So she fights like her life depends on it
Maybe she's squirming under the weigh of an invisible monster
Or another dream filled with death
No matter the subject
I hold her in place
Cradle her to stop the movement
I call her name over and over
Until she joins the world again

I miss the stardust in your embrace
The wind in my hair
And the feeling of flying in your arms

When you find yourself lost in the stars
Please don't forget those on Earth
Don't forget all the memories
Don't forget how much we love you
Please don't forget me

How funny it is that when you describe a girl you call her pretty, call her beautiful, call her gorgeous.

Our girls grow up with the only compliments they receive to be ones remarking their bodies and yet we wonder why we can't get them to eat.

They grow up believing wither consciously or unconscious they are judges by the bodies.

That the size of their jeans is their caste.  

That if they aren't pretty they are nothing.

Our little girls slather on the makeup and step into their heels smile till the corners of their mouths crack as if life was a beauty pageant and success and happiness were prizes to be won.

When you describe a boy you call his strong, call him tough, call him powerful.

Put the weight of the world in his hands and hope he can handle it.

Our men lead the way and our girls follow.

Why when you see a girl you never call her intelligent, call her resourceful, call her powerful.

Imagine a world where little girls weren't just bodies.

They were the daughters of destiny and the friends of fate.

They could do anything, and they were told that from the second they could listen.

Imagine if our girls could look past their bodies, could pus aside shame and hate and learn to love the vessels.

Imagine if our girls were powerful.

I dream of darkness
A world I can call my own
It's far from perfect
But when I get there I will be free
Free to dance among the stars
And to light the way of the future

I'm a pair of pretty eyes
Or a cute dress
Nice lipstick

I'm never smart
Nor brilliant
Never inventive
Or resourceful
Not hardworking
Or persistent

Apparently all I am is eye candy

I know it is likely I will fail
And the hours  tick away
Growing closer and closer to judgement day
And as I inch closer and closer
I just hope I can make you proud
Overcome it all and rise above

I'm sorry
Sorry I"m not everything I was supposed to become
Sorry I didn't turn out perfect like you wanted me to
And not a day goes by that I don't remember
The pain littered in my memories
And the dreams of a little girl
With my heavy heart I lay her to rest now
Her dreams dies with her and there's no going back now

Take me back to the beginning
In love with everything and everyone
Living with my soul thrown into the wind
Slurring my words over the phone
Sleeping with nature
And kissing flowers
Breathing clean and clear
It was easier then
More peaceful then
Counting stars until they turned into clouds
Outrunning due dates
Take me there

She is a dead glass girl
She is gone from this world
Her breaking heart could not last
She broke her body and her soul
And as the fractures in her glass grew and grew
She became tired of the pain
So she lept from the edge
And shattered on the pavement
Nothing but simmering shards on the concrete
Particles of beauty ripped apart
Gone

Is is a broken glass girl
The crack started small
Broken under the pressure of her life and her pain
And with every breakdown the spread
From her heart to her limbs
Tiny fractures foreshadowing her end
And she crumbles more and more each day
Dying slowly but not entirely

She is just a small glass girl
Will catch you eye but she wont hold your gaze
Instead she simply reflects whatever others want to see

She treads carefully
To fall is to break
She feels empty
Missing the life that others possess
She is alone
Mysterious yet uninteresting  
She is broken
Unable to heal like human flesh

I lay there in darkness
In a silent black limbo
And my soul feels tired
But my mind has other plans
My mind is awake
It races through every though and action of the day
Nodding to the accomplishments
And contemplating the failures
And after a nod or two that's where I remain for a while
The failures
My failures
And so I'm laying in the void among my flaws
Sleepless
Helpless
And my brain goes everywhere stringing things together
And making things up to fill the voids
Until I break and the tears fall
They're soft on my face and quiet
Until they too fall into the darkness

This classroom was full at the beginning of the semester
And it didn't happen all at once
One by one students not understanding
One by one failing tests
Realizing they won't make it
And don't get me wrong
I might not too
But at least I'm still here trying

She stands on an abandoned sidewalk alone
New to this
Her hair red as fire
Jeans torn like her heart
And boots black as night
Shes been through a lot
But still smiling
She was much like the phoenix
Risen from the ashes of the past
Looking to the future
And burning with a fire deep insider her
She wasn't afraid to go or it

Look to the silver screen
Locked lips and soft hips
Love is everywhere
And sometimes its messy
Wild
Forbidden
And perfect
So incredibly perfect
And you just cant help but to put yourself in their shoes
Wrapped up in the arms of another
Forever and ever

Life isn't easy
And Life isn't fair
Memories make me queasy
Because it's difficult to bear

No one said it would hurt so much
No one said I would have to endure
Every broken violated touch
When all I wanted was to remain pure

Yet in it all a spark of hope
We grow with the pain, and we pull through
Just need to not end up hanging at the end of a rope
But instead waiting for something new

Dear God,

Are you listening? It's me again. I was invited back into your home today, it's not my church and its not my priest but its still good. Yet I find myself afraid. What is it about being around others raised like me that bring me fear. Maybe I feel like I don't belong or that I wont quite fit in. Maybe I'm afraid I wont live up to whats expected of a devote follower.
I am not afraid of you, just the community and as bad as it sounds, being afraid of another church, it's the truth. Maybe I'm just anxious. Maybe I'm not ready to face my demons. Maybe I believe the darkness inside me will show and my impure body won't be accepted by you.
Whatever it is give me the strength to get through it and be welcomed home.

I used to hurt myself every single day
Used to maybe to go a week at best without fresh wounds
Used to need it to get through the day

And it's difficult to explain
And it's different for everyone that chooses to feel pain
Cause that is exactly what it is choosing to feel pain
It's wanting to not be numb
Wanting to feel alive
Wanting to feel anything other than that emptiness
Because the emptiness is the heaviest thing you will never have
It's like filing your heart up with rocks
Feeling it sink in your chest

And that heaviness at first is just a symptom
It ***** but you push forward
But it gets heavier and you slowly loose control
Instead of growing stronger the weight just wears you out
And son you feel the weight piling on more than ever
Every time they...
...call you a name...
...push you down...
...use you...
...ignore you...
...abuse you...

And it builds and builds and you can't keep going
And you start to wonder what if I just didn't exist
And the thought scares you to death but you feel so helpless
And you can't keep carrying the weight in you heart without help
So every single day the though come up
What if you just died

And every day it seems more and more like a better idea
Because you're tired of crying yourself to sleep
And you're tired of always feeling alone and unwanted
And everything is so numb that it hurts
So you give it a shot and it's messy
It always is the first time
And there's blood
But for once you don't feel like you have a heart full of rocks
Instead your heart is racing from the rush
And you feel something
Its painful and awful but it's something
And its nice but not necessary

So a few weeks later on you're at your breaking point again
And you put steel to skin
And the blood arises from the **** like a mountain spring
And your body feels the rush all over again
Before you know it every day is a pain and all you want is to feel
So you're like me
Slit your wrists before bed
Cuts in the mouth in the morning
And the torment all day between the two

And you're not destroying your body because you're suicidal
You aren't doing it oping you'll die
You're not ripping flesh from flesh because you want attention
The horror inst worth a few glances

You're spilling blood like a warlord committing crimes only against your own body because you're trying desperately to stay alive and only in this bleeding, in this pain can you find any peace from the pain of existence and the voice inside you that tell a you just to give up and die already

It's counter-intuitive but it's what keeps you alive for another day

Every Time I think I found it
Think I've got it right
It slips through my fingers
And I'm alone again
I just wish I could get it right
Finally fit in somewhere
Finally find the place where I belong

Your eyes are closing
And I fear it may be the last time I ever see their brilliant blue
The cold surrounds us
And I wish I could rush you off to somewhere warmer than here
Somewhere where you could be safe

I'm trying to hold on
But your are so weak
And I don't know if I can save you
But I will try
Your body becomes more and more frail
And I'm afraid I might loose you to the darkness
It surrounds us above and below
Only the moon to illuminate the darkness of the sky
And to shed light on the inky waves

Your lips are still
And I miss your voice
Your laugh, and your smile
There is no human sound in the void
Just the whispers of demons in the wind
And the soft chirp of crickets from the shore
I'd like to believe it's the lull of the crickets that sends you to sleep
Rather than the hand of a woman beyond this world

She rises from the deep
And her voice is as soft as a lamb
Her eyes fall upon you laying there and her demeanor softens
Plucking your and up its incredible
I stare at her midnight skin against yours
I'd have guessed you were a porcelain doll had I not have known otherwise
Suddenly she turns to me sadness in her eyes
She reaches out and I simply stare back

She gives a soft smile and finally I take her hand
Under her will my hand reaches yours
You feel so cold but you're heart beats on
Its faint but present and I'm relieved
She looks to me again and I know it wont last
I pull you against my chest and hold you close

With my eyes closed I can smell your familiar smell
I can feel her hand on my shoulder
I lay you back down and step to the back of the vessel
She scoops you up and leans in
I watch as she kisses your forehead
An just like that your body goes limp

Its slow the way the tears feel running down my face
She steps over the side of the boat and back into the dark water
You look so peaceful as the water crashes over you
Lifeless sinking deeper and deeper into the depths cradled in her arms

I know she will watch over you in death as I did in life
She will lay you to sleep down in the deep
With the rest of her children
I hope you find comfort in the darkness

Sometimes I like to think I'm a lady
Them I remember I'm wearing ***** shorts and a satanic tee

Sometimes I like to pretend I'm smart
Then I panic and fail another test

Sometimes I like to believe I'm all better
Then I have another panic attack

There is always room for improvement and acceptance

I can see your smile
It's nothing new
Its a smile I've seen a million times before
And I know I will see it a million times again
It's a smile that haunts my dreams
And frequents nightmares
It makes my skin crawl
And my heart race
It's sweet like a summers kiss
And sour as a dead rose
Its warm like fire
Yet cold as grooms feet
And i'd like to think one day I'll wipe that grin off your face
But for now it haunts me

Why can't women have ***
Why are you praised for the same act that demonizes me
Why can't I be proud of my body
Why must it be hidden away
Why can't I experiment
Why can't I even experience
Why does *** mean I'm so ******
Why does *** have to destroy me

*** is an act for he modern man
He stands tall while we bow down
He receives all the praise
All for an act that he only gives halfway
Because it's all
"On your knees"
"**** my ****"
"Don't be a tease"

*** is a privilege for those with a Y chromosome
So that they can stare while we cover up
So they can **** while we remain chaste
So they can stand over our broken bodies
Whilst we crumble from within

And I'm so tried
Tried of the ***** looks
Tired of the names
Tired of being a salve to this society
Tired of the image of man dictation how I feel
Tired of everything that's wrong with ***  

We deserve to **** just as much as you
And **** we will
Because we don't need you permission to love our bodies
And someday we will learn that
And on that day you will have to learn to share
Share your precious *** with the new modern woman

I can feel it spill into me
It's not a new feeling
It's more like coming home
As darkness spills into my days
And sadness fills the nights
The pain of all those years
And it never leaves
Although scars will heal
Dreams will fade
And memories take a backseat in life
They never leave
So I remain broken and helpless to the ways of the world
A shell of the person I once was