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Aug 2021 · 758
The Light of my life
Philomena Aug 2021
You brought a joy into my life that I have never felt before
And it made every moment with you pure bliss
It was as if seeing a color I never had before
And your color lit my world
It showed me trough the darkest days
But when you left this world so did your color
That shine I loved was gone
So now I remain in darkness
Waiting to meet you in another world.
For my baby
Aug 2021 · 273
Dear Child
Philomena Aug 2021
When I found you little one
You were one of a kind
You lit up my world
You made me smile

Raising you was the joy in my life
Teaching you to walk and swim
Sharing meals
Watching you grow

And loosing you was my deepest low
The unfathomable pain
And cold lonliness
Watching you take your final breath
Jan 2021 · 275
Lyrics No. 25
Philomena Jan 2021
Another day, another systematic nightmare
Commemorate a wonderful life
Bite me first, I'll bite you back
Melodramatic laughter
I stabbed a knife in my eye
Think I'm out my ******* mind
Brainwashed and I'm feeling fine
Destroy yourself it feels too good to fade away
Why, do I want to hurt myself?
Should I die for something else?
I let my conscience get in the way

We hope you have a lovely day
You don't want us to come out and play
Away, now now
There's nothing to see here
It's under control
We're only gambling with your soul
Whatever you do, just don't wake up and smell the corruption
Dec 2020 · 710
Lyrics No. 24
Philomena Dec 2020
"When you said it was real, guess I really did believe you
Did you fake how you feel when we parked down by the river that night?
That night?
That night when we fogged up the windows in your best friend's car
'Cause we couldn't leave the windows down in December

Tell me what you hate about me
Whatever it is, I'm sorry...
I know I can be dramatic
But everybody said we had it...

I'm coming to terms with a broken heart
I guess that sometimes good things fall apart"
Dec 2020 · 338
Lyrics No. 23
Philomena Dec 2020
Yeah, I get it you're an outcast
Always under attack always coming in last
Bringing up the past no one owes you anything
I think you need a shotgun blast a kick in the ***
So paranoid
Watch your back!

Oh my, here we go

Another lose cannon, gone bi-polar
Slipped down, couldn't get much lower
Quicksand's got no sense of humor
I'm still laughing like hell
You think that the cryin' to me
Looking so sorry that I'm gonna believe
You've been infected by a social disease
Well, then take your medicine

I created the sound of madness
Wrote the book on pain
Somehow I'm still here to explain
That the darkest hour never comes in the night
You can sleep with a gun
When you gonna wake up and fight?

I'm so sick of this tombstone mentality
If there's an afterlife then it'll set you free
But I'm not gonna part the seas
You're a self-fulfilling prophecy
You think that cryin' to me
Looking so sorry that I'm gonna believe
You've been infected by a social disease
Well, then take your medicine
Dec 2020 · 345
Dreams of a future gone
Philomena Dec 2020
Sometimes I roll over and see you laying next to me
And all of a sudden I know it's a dream
Or maybe a nightmare

The memory of your sleeping face is burned into my head
The only time you ever looked peaceful
And yet I never want to see it again

Like the cry of a banshee
It's a warning of what could have been
Or almost was
Dec 2020 · 603
Lyrics No. 22
Philomena Dec 2020
"I'm always ******' up and wreckin’ ****
It seems like I perfected it
I offer you my love
I hope you take it like some medicine
Tell me ain’t nobody better than me
I think that there's better than me
Hope you see the better in me
Always end up betterin’ me

I don't wanna ruin this one
This type of love don't always come and go"
Nov 2020 · 179
Lyrics No. 21
Philomena Nov 2020
"Hate me, hate me, tell me how you hate me
Tell me how I'm trash and you could easily replace me
Tell me that I'm strung out, wasted on the daily
Prolly 'cause there's no one around me numbin' all my pain
Prolly 'cause there's no umbrella to shield me from all the rain
Probably because you're the one playin' the mind games
You hate me because I don't let you play no mind games
They give me migraines and damage my brain
Date me, break me, easily replace me
Hopefully you see it clear, hopefully it's HD
Bet you wonder why the last few months I've been spacey
In your head, I sing"
Oct 2020 · 1.5k
I cant sleep
Philomena Oct 2020
I cant sleep
But if I lay very still
And close my eyes
I wont have to look upon the horror of my mind
Jul 2020 · 321
Philomena Jul 2020
Each day is the same.
Wake up, set the binary coordinates, wait.
Pour over the data but nothing breaks through.
Something about this storms ionic charge dilates signal strength.
I've recounted the rations.
There's time for one more shot.
I see her face.
Sometimes it's as clear as day.
Others, it's lost in the void.
I will find my way back to you.
That was my promise.
Jul 2020 · 551
Lyrics No. 20
Philomena Jul 2020
All this emptiness inside
I can't fill the void in my mind
Sometimes I just wanna die
Wish that I could tell you why
Is it all inside my head?
I just can't escape the noise
Is it all inside my head?
I think I'm paranoid
Jul 2020 · 297
When I Grow Up
Philomena Jul 2020
You've heard it before
Most likely from a small child
"When I grow up"
And from the perspective of a child that statement is full of hope
It's the ultimate goal
It's their own personal victory

But one day you look at yourself
And you realize you have grown up
And maybe you're lucky and you've achieved your goals
But for most maybe you never did

Maybe you tried and gave it all you had
Only to feel left out in the cold
Maybe you changed your mind
Of maybe you just grew old
Jun 2020 · 302
She Never Stood a Chance
Philomena Jun 2020
She grabs her by the neck
And I can see it unfold
She never stood a chance
Her body slams to the ground
She gasps upon impact
Blood running from her mouth red as her hair

She reaches up
Unclear if as an act of pleading or anger
But a figure dressed dark as night rips her off the ground
Only to slam her down again

This time she lets out an unearthly moan
She spits blood onto the pavement
It glistens in the sun
A puddle of color against the blacktop

The figure grabs her again and drags her by her hair
Her lips quivering
She puts her arms below her
And as she pushes to lift herself up another blow
The dark figure kicks her in the side of the head
She falls to the ground
A sharp kick in the rips and she spits blood once again

She looks up pleading with her eyes
Scrapes cover her face with streaks of red
The tears are streaming down but she does not cry out
Another blow to the ribs and she doubles down
Using her hands over her head she attempts to protect herself

Finally relenting the dark figure stops the kicking
She lay broken and quivering unable to face it
It begins to scream
And when she turns away it grabs her face to face the lingual horrors

When I see her face next it's only a glance
But her eyes seem empty now
Glazed over and lifeless
The figure picks her up again

She makes no sound this time as she hits the ground
For a moment it seems as though she will try to rise up
The figure stands over her watching
But she doesn't move
Jun 2020 · 1.6k
The Rash Inside my Brain
Philomena Jun 2020
So one day this rash shows up on your arm after you go for a walk
You assume at the time no big deal
Just be careful on walks

But then the rash never leaves
It just kind of festers and grows
Until it's gone from a patch to an outbreak

You try getting more sleep
Maybe change your diet
And you stop taking walks

But the rash still grows
And it grows
And it becomes uncontrollable

It take over your life
Prevents you from going out
From enjoying life

It keeps you as it's prisoner
And you hate that rash
So you try to banish it

It's no longer a mere accident but a full infection
So you look into it some more
But there are so many things that start out as a rash

You figure maybe you just have dry skin
But what if that's not it
What if you have a disease or worse

So now you both have a rash and are afraid
You don't know what to do
So you try everything in your power

But the rash remains
You're without options
It's time to bring in outside help

You ask yourself what it could be
And as much as you think you might know
You have a hunch and you're terrified to have it confirmed

So the question remains
While ignorance is pain it is also bliss on the soul
Knowledge heals but not without bringing about an often ugly truth

That is what having a mental disorder is like
It's not beautiful
It's not easy

It's like a rash
But it's inside your brain so not quite like a rash
But also very much like a rash in the way it mentally controls you

And it eats you away begging for an answer
And answer you'l never have
At least not without some pain
Jun 2020 · 836
Just Drive
Philomena Jun 2020
Pick me up
And lets just drive
Anywhere and Everywhere
Jun 2020 · 266
Lyrics No. 19
Philomena Jun 2020
Under your scars I pray
You're like a shooting star in the rain
You're everything that feels like home to me, yeah
Under your scars, I could live inside you time after time
If you'd only let me live inside of mine
Live inside of mine
Mar 2020 · 230
Lyrics No. 18
Philomena Mar 2020
"are you listening?
Sleeping in the shadows, could be making history
Walk through the fire, walk on the water
Used to be a slave, but now you are a conqueror

They can take my heart, they can take my breath
When they pry it from my cold, dead chest

This is how we rise up
Heavy as a hurricane, louder than a freight train
This is how we rise up
Heart is beating faster, feels like thunder
Magic, static, call me a fanatic
It's our world, they can never have it
This is how we rise up
It's our resistance, you can't resist us"
Mar 2020 · 1.5k
Waiting to be Free
Philomena Mar 2020
It's ******
But I always have been
No matter where I go
How hard I try
But a little part of me dies
Because I know you're in there
Just waiting to be free

I can smile
Laugh it off
Say its nothing
And never turn back
But the sound of your voice rings in my ears
Because I know you're in there
Just waiting to be free

I can sit in this tiny office
Say all the right words
Therapist after another
Try again and again
But I'm never confident you're dead
Because I know you're in there
Just waiting to be free

Sit in the shower with a pair of scissors
Bleed until I feel alive again
Slash myself apart
And let it all sink in
But nothing is ever enough
Because I know you're in there
Just waiting to be free
Mar 2020 · 354
Lyrics No. 17
Philomena Mar 2020
"I tried it once before but I didn't get too far
I felt a lot of pain but it didn't stop my heart
And all I really wanted was someone to give a little ****
But I waited there forever and nobody even looked up
I tried it once before and I think I might have messed up
I struggled with the veins and I guess I didn't bleed enough
But maybe I'm alive because I didn't really wanna die
But nothing very special ever happens in my life

Take the blade away from me
I am a freak, I am afraid that
All the blood escaping me won't end the pain
And I'll be haunting all the lives that cared for me
I died to be the white ghost
Of the man that I was meant to be

I tried it like before and this time I made a deep cut
I thought about my friends and the way I didn't give enough
And I should have told my mother 'mom, I love you' like a good son
But this life is overwhelming and I'm ready for the next one"
Mar 2020 · 236
Philomena Mar 2020
Time is passing
Day by day
And yet everything stay's the same

Looking out from beyond the glass
A wire fence
Not allowed to pass

Criticism in their voice
Needless nit-pick
A lack of choice

Sleepless nights and endless days
The same routine
Trying to find new ways

Unhappiness absorbed within these walls
Trapped in turmoil
Life begin

But hope from far away
A brand new hope
Waiting for someday

Waiting for sweet spring buds
Summer weather
Leaves red as blood

And you a memory for now
Until the sky turns
And fire springs into the bough
Feb 2020 · 9.8k
The View From Halfway Down
Philomena Feb 2020
The weak breeze whispers nothing
The water screams sublime
His feet shift, teeter-totter
Deep breath, stand back, it’s time

Toes untouch the overpass
Soon he’s water bound
Eyes locked shut but peek to see
The view from halfway down

A little wind, a summer sun
A river rich and regal
A flood of fond endorphins
Brings a calm that knows no equal

You’re flying now
You see things much more clear than from the ground
It’s all okay, it would be
Were you not now halfway down

Thrash to break from gravity
What now could slow the drop
All I’d give for toes to touch
The safety back at top

But this is it, the deed is done
Silence drowns the sound
Before I leaped I should’ve seen
The view from halfway down

I really should’ve thought about
The view from halfway down
I wish I could’ve known about
The view from halfway down
From Bojack Horseman
Feb 2020 · 258
You Don't Look the Same
Philomena Feb 2020
You don't look the same
But why am I surprised
And honestly it's a shame
Because I miss your cold blue eyes

You say you envy me but you don't understand
I'm tired of fighting and dying
Just once I want to be given the upper hand
Because if I said it was easy I'd be lying

So maybe you're so sorry for me
Since you know what I've become
This thing I am forced to be
You know from where it comes

I don't want you help as much as you try to give
It's on my own terms that I plan to live
Feb 2020 · 330
Philomena Feb 2020
Come get me, lets go, just put it all behind us.
I want to watch the road disappear beneath us as the miles add up
And I want to see you out there on the cold stone.
Green lights, yellow lights, red lights
We will dance beneath them all.
Go until the darkness takes us
Drags us
Claims us
Feb 2020 · 37
Philomena Feb 2020
Hello Jacob is not here right now please leave a message after the beep...


Feb 2020 · 181
2 am thoughts No. 16
Philomena Feb 2020
Sometimes I worry I won't have a beautiful life

I've never been one to ask for flowers
And I've never been one to see a perfect date as dinner and a movie
I just wasn't raised like that
Love to me couldn't be bought

As I look ahead I wonder if there will be any beauty to it
If anyone will truly love me
If anyone will ask for me
If anyone will cry over me

It makes me sick wondering if I will mean anything
If there is any beauty to me at all

But then I reflect
Turn my head and look back
And I think of all the moments with you
Filled with red carnations and fireworks

I see the beauty in the little places
It helps me to know that I am beautiful with you
And I can't wait to have a beautiful life by your side
Dec 2019 · 166
Philomena Dec 2019
There aren't words that can express the way I miss you
I miss your goofy smile
Your head nuzzles
Your beautiful dark eyes
I can't shake the gaze of those beautiful eyes of yours
Almost half a year since we locked eyes
And yet you stare at me forever
I'm sorry I wasn't there when you left this world
I promise I tried to be
I'll hold you in my heart forever
That's one promise I can keep
Nov 2019 · 125
The Human Mind
Philomena Nov 2019
One second I'm dancing in neon light
And the next bleeding out in the shower
Its as different as night and day and yet
Both take place in under an hour
Because that's the thing about the human mind
It has unreachable highs
And unfathomable lows
Down in the sorrows or reach for the stars
Nov 2019 · 370
When I die I think of you
Philomena Nov 2019
When I die I think of you
I think of your smile and your laugh
I don't want to be the one to steal them when I die
Because when I die you'll think of me
In nothing more than a fond memory
Your smile will fade
Your laugh will wither
And I'll rot in the ground where I was delivered
I don't want to destroy your happiness
How my existence makes you happy I'll never know
But as I die I think of you
Nov 2019 · 157
Take me Back
Philomena Nov 2019
Take me back to our first kiss
To the endless nights
The Bright mornings
And the sun filled days
I want to be in love again
I want to see your smile again
Hear your laugh
And at the end of the day feel your embrace
Nov 2019 · 181
Loosing Interest
Philomena Nov 2019
You asked me today if I was loosing interest
But what you don't know its you I hope for every night
You don't see me cry, see me worry
You don't know how much I love you
It's just hard to love you when I can't stand myself
I can feel you slipping through my fingers
And I just want to scream
You bring out the very best in me
Even when I don't think it's there
I love you
Nov 2019 · 169
Philomena Nov 2019
It always starts small
A "wish I was perfect"
Or "could I be more?"

I never started playing the game with this in mind
And as I stand here one foot in the grave
Its easy to see how it couldn't have ended any other way

The little doubts grow into deep pains
The tiny voice whispering turned into screams
The sleepless nights became endless days

Maybe it began innocent
Maybe it was originally some small
But soon I'm slitting my wrists
Locking my door
Before I know it someone finally says it
"why don't you just **** yourself"

What an idea
The ultimate escape
The end of the game

Swallow the pills
Slash my wrists
Still here though

Couldn't even finish the game
Try and try again
Can't even win at this
Nov 2019 · 485
Philomena Nov 2019
I am but a rat in a maze
Round and round I go
Through corners and dead ends
Trying to find my way back to you
And it's not easy
But it's worth it
I just hope you'll be waiting with open arms
When I arrive
If I arrive
Oct 2019 · 255
Lyrics No. 16
Philomena Oct 2019
All I ever wanted was to find someone
But holdin' it together is the hardest part
No one said life gets in the way
That our plans may change but our hearts remain
You stand in the doorway holdin' me
Feeling the tension, you beg and plead
Not to go away again
And then she said

Every time you leave, I lose a little piece of me
And every time we speak, words don't do it justice
It's just us from here
Here, here
And that's when she said
Every time you leave, I lose a little piece of me

All I ever wanted was to find someone
But finishing the puzzle is the hardest part
Everyday wishin' you could stay
'Cause our minds may change but our hearts remain
You stand in the doorway holding me
Lost in the moment, I can't believe
You gotta go away again
And when I say
Oct 2019 · 265
2 am thoughts No. 15
Philomena Oct 2019
You whisper behind the door
Its soft and almost non existent
Against the noise of the everyday world its drowned out
But at night when all is still I hear it

You ask me why
Ask me if it's too late
Ask me to try again
Tell me its sink or swim

And I'd love to tell you to shut up
Or get a better door
But there is a hint of reality in what you are saying
And it leaves me listening for more
Oct 2019 · 474
Lyrics No. 15
Philomena Oct 2019
"What you got, boy, is hard to find
I think about it all the time
I'm all strung out, my heart is fried
I just can't get you off my mind
Because your love, your love, your love is my drug"
Oct 2019 · 634
Philomena Oct 2019
Sometimes I can't stand it
I lie here beside you
Puddle of pain and fear
And you're like the lighthouse guiding me to safety

I didn't ask to be saved
And I don't want you to save me

I wish I was healthy enough to save myself
I wish I was more than this
And I wish more than anything I could be something to you

But i'll cry into my pillow again
And count the days till I'm home
Maybe just maybe I'll silently wish I was dead

Sorry I won't let you save me
Because I know what it takes
Driving into cold water after a corpse
And I do it because I love you
As hard as that is to explain
I wont let you jump in the water just because I'm sinking
because then I'd be the reason you got wet
Oct 2019 · 349
Puddle of Sadness
Philomena Oct 2019
Wrapped tight in a grey blanket
Staring for what feels like hours
Dead inside
And the soft fabric slowly sleeps as minutes pass
Until it sits around my waist
I stand up to readjust
The only movement in hours
The blanket falls from the chair
A puddle of sadness on the floor
I scoop it up and let it hug around me one more
Returning to my staring it does it once more
My grey puddle of sadness on the floor
Oct 2019 · 202
Lyrics No. 14
Philomena Oct 2019
"Why'd you do it why'd you leave
Why'd you help me find my feet
Why'd you guide me blindingly
Then turn and say goodbye to me
All this time I tried to be
The person you applied to me
This lie you feed that I'd succeed
Is why I'm me, a dying breed

You saved me, you made me
And through it all you changed me forever
You love me, you hate me
And through it all you changed me forever

Through it all you changed me
I'm not the same me
For better or for worse this person that you made me
Through it all you changed me
I'm not the same me
For better or for worse you changed me forever"
Oct 2019 · 204
Your Eyes
Philomena Oct 2019
I close my eyes and I see yours
The dark brown
Deep like a raging river
Now clouded over in wispy white
Like spilled milk
I remember holding your head in my hands
Staring in those eyes
I asked you to hold on
Begged you to wait for me to come home
And you have no idea how much I just want to hold you
To say goodbye
I miss you more than words can express
And in all these years I can't believe the time has come
You seemed invincible
Stronger than I will ever be
And I can't fathom anything other than you and me
Although I'm not ready to be here without you
I know it's only a matter of time
At least until I have to say goodbye to those eyes
My dog is dying, he is I believe 16 or 17 now and I've had him as far as my memory goes. Drake is the most wonderful boy in the world and it will be a sorry world to live in without him.
Oct 2019 · 244
Cold Words and Colder Eyes
Philomena Oct 2019
I remember a time when I loved you
When you were my world
When you were all I loved
I remember your kisses and hugs
I remember the way you said my name
And the way you walked away
I remember the tears I wept
And the pain I felt
The emptiness you left me in
Cold words and colder eyes
They just don't suit you
Or at least the boy I used to know
Sep 2019 · 219
Those Words
Philomena Sep 2019
Looking back
When you said those words they held some weight
And I laughed it off at the time
But I went back to my bed that night
And my mind began to race
I know you've painted a target on my back
If I was more oblivious to people like you I would not have seen it
But it's bright red like blood
And rather noticeable

I should have known better
Every laugh and smile comes with a price
And it's never cheap
So when you said those words
All I heard was the price

I will not pay your ransom
I am not interested in those words
And while you were technically correct
You were also very wrong
So believe me when I say this
If you ever feel so bold as to use those words on me again
I'll make you eat them
Sep 2019 · 373
Lyrics No. 13
Philomena Sep 2019
"If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me"
Sep 2019 · 224
I'm not Perfect
Philomena Sep 2019
I know I'm not perfect
Not even close
But in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
I'll give it my all
I wont break nor bow
And yes my dear I refuse to fall
Sep 2019 · 193
Philomena Sep 2019
I'm not one to get ahead of myself
I try not to be a fool
But darling when I'm with you
My mind tends to wander
Because I just can't wait to marry you

I look up
And you're eyes are locked on me
And as much as I might deny it you really do complete me
You turn storm clouds to rain
And you bring out the best in me

You don't give yourself the credit you deserve
I understand that we're all human
But you are perfect to me
So as you probably have figured by now
I just can't wait to marry you
Aug 2019 · 270
Philomena Aug 2019
Sometimes it's fun to pretend to be someone else
Anyone else really
Just as long as it's not me
I like to pretend my dad loves me
And that I won't die alone
I pretend I'm somewhere I belong
And not so far from home
And I close my eyes just to dream up a world
That when I open them again
I'm the same **** girl
Aug 2019 · 189
Philomena Aug 2019
There is something so familiar hearing you say those words
Something wonderful and yet terrible
Stuck between the bliss of the future and the fear of the unknown
And this is where I stand
Stranded in emotion
And as roses have thorns
Those words hold weight
Aug 2019 · 204
Rat in a Cage
Philomena Aug 2019
When all is said and done
I know I will miss this place
Miss the people
The view from the windows
The pillow I cuddle each night
But at the moment I feel like a rat in a cage
Poked and prodded and just now
Catching the scent of nearby freedom
Into a frenzy pacing the bars back and forth
Looking for a way out
Yet knowing that there isn't one just yet
Aug 2019 · 322
The Picture in my Hand
Philomena Aug 2019
Screen in hand I scroll past the pointless pictures
Until suddenly I see your face
You're smiling with the same dumb grin
Not a picture you've taken
You're probably not even aware it exists
Too caught up in the moment
You're surrounded by friends
People I used to call friends too once a long time ago
I can feel the tears build in my eyes
Even though I told myself I wouldn't cry over you
It's the end of an era that's for sure
Everything that was once mine here is gone
Aug 2019 · 352
Ode to the Heavens
Philomena Aug 2019
You were the heavens and I the Earth
You were cast up in the stars
And I in the dirt
You were much like an angel and I like a beast
Yet I can still remember when you reached your hand down to me
Were different that is easy to see
But somehow it worked in harmony
And as I stare up into the sky
You look like a shooting star passing by
Aug 2019 · 251
Philomena Aug 2019
Stardust is such a beautiful thing
Its shiny like silver yet worth more than gold
Yet it is noting that you can hold
Its warmer than fire
And colder than ice
Taller than mountains
Smaller than rice
It is nothing yet at the same time everything
Its you as you are to me
And the world as it is to us
It's smiles and laughter and darkness and pain
It's kisses on Sunday right after rain
And among it all the good and the bad
Stardust is here everywhere to be had
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