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10
Philomena Jul 2019
10
Ten Little Fingers
And Ten Little Toes
Not Even I Know How Far This Will Go

But Before I Do
And It's All Begun
Dare I Say Lets Have Some Fun

Don't Try To Stop Me
No Don't Even Dare
Cause We Both Know Life Isn't Fair
Philomena Dec 2018
It has been twenty days since I saw you
That boils down to about...
...480 hours
...28,800 minutes
...1,728,000 seconds
Not to mention a whole lot of missing you
What more can I say
Philomena Dec 2018
I don't understand why you
Love a freak like me
Play with fire
Dance with the devil

You took the monster out from under your bed
And Invited it under the covers

And sure i'm warm
And I feel safe and loved like I never have before
But I don't understand
Why you love a freak like me
Don't you hate it when 2 am you makes you question regular you, and then regular you begins to question everything around you and then you're thinking about this crap and not your final exams and yea...
Philomena Apr 2019
I dream of darkness
A world I can call my own
It's far from perfect
But when I get there I will be free
Free to dance among the stars
And to light the way of the future
Philomena May 2019
I suppose I should be honest
I am confused

One minutes i'm ****** that you won't even say Hi
And the next I understand because I don't know how to face you

So I suppose I'm sorry
Sorry because there is no easy way to do this
I'm really sorry
Philomena May 2019
You don't know it yet
But you will be mine very soon

But don't worry I'll treat you well
Show you ropes
Then put you though hell

But believe me when I say I love you little one
But this night is unending and daylight has yet to come
Philomena Jun 2019
Went all these years without having an opinion worth sharing
Why would it change now?
To speak up is to be shut up
And to stand out is to be cut down.
Philomena Jul 2019
I could see it as clearly as if my eyes were open
There as a man in the house
And I'm awake alone
I lay down in the tub out of sight and dial the phone
But while I remain hidden he finds you instead
And he puts a bullet in your head
He passes by the door of the room
And I swear this is how I meet my fate
But he walks past
And out I dash
Out the window
And down the wall
Across the road and again I call
But before they come you are gone
No one could save you
If only I had been god enough.
Philomena Oct 2019
You whisper behind the door
Its soft and almost non existent
Against the noise of the everyday world its drowned out
But at night when all is still I hear it

You ask me why
Ask me if it's too late
Ask me to try again
Tell me its sink or swim

And I'd love to tell you to shut up
Or get a better door
But there is a hint of reality in what you are saying
And it leaves me listening for more
Philomena Feb 2020
Sometimes I worry I won't have a beautiful life

I've never been one to ask for flowers
And I've never been one to see a perfect date as dinner and a movie
I just wasn't raised like that
Love to me couldn't be bought

As I look ahead I wonder if there will be any beauty to it
If anyone will truly love me
If anyone will ask for me
If anyone will cry over me

It makes me sick wondering if I will mean anything
If there is any beauty to me at all

But then I reflect
Turn my head and look back
And I think of all the moments with you
Filled with red carnations and fireworks

I see the beauty in the little places
It helps me to know that I am beautiful with you
And I can't wait to have a beautiful life by your side
Philomena Dec 2018
You are so very far away
And I know they say out of sight out of mind
But the farther you are the more I think

I want to know everything
But mostly I want to know if you are alright
I miss you bean
Philomena Dec 2018
How long can a love last?
Does it last forever?
Is there an expiration date?

Maybe it varies
person to person
match to match
time to time

Maybe love is just an illusion
Just an excuse for what we feel

But maybe
Just maybe
It is real
And maybe
Just maybe
This love will last forever
Hard to put an expiration date on a feeling
Philomena Dec 2018
You are so very far away,
But in your arms is where I want to stay.

So ******* a butterfly kiss,
And know you are missed.

No matter the distance my heart beats for you,
Its beats loud long and especially true
I really miss you bean.
Philomena Dec 2018
I've never been a perfect girl
Had perfect friends
Functioned with a perfect mind
Or flirt with perfect boys

I'm rather broken you'd say
Don't add up to much most days
Add up to nothing at all most nights

So what

So what if i'm not who I was supposed to be
Cause I'm me
And it doesn't add up
But i'm no good with numbers anyways
Particularly tired and annoyed
Philomena Jan 2019
I'm hitting the realization that I might just be truly alone
And I know that sounds scary
Because loneliness is tragic
But my life is a tragedy so its rather fitting
And for once it doesn't bother me
Because friends are temporary excuses for a good time
And life is a solo mission
So fly me to the moon
But my plus one
It's empty
Yea just **** me I guess.
Philomena Jan 2019
I can feel it coming
Slowly but surely
Laying here without you
And it is relentless
This sadness
This emptiness
And I never realized just how much I need you
And the tears are starting to form
I just pray they don't fall
Because I don't have time to cry

I'm counting the days
Minutes
Seconds
Until I can hold you again
Because I love you more than you could ever know
It's going to be a long night
Philomena Feb 2019
You are asleep night now
And I am right beside you
Your breathing is soft
Almost as soft as your skin
And I love you
I love it when you kiss my nose
And I love it when you hold me tight
I love how you are so vivid and fun
And I love how you make me feel alive
You fill a void in me
Breathe into me life when I just want to die
Give me hope when it all seems lost
You take away my pain
And someday I hope to do the same for you
But until then i'm just the girlfriend
So that will have to do
Maybe you will see this, maybe you wont. Either way I love you bean.
Philomena Apr 2019
Sometimes I like to think I'm a lady
Them I remember I'm wearing ***** shorts and a satanic tee

Sometimes I like to pretend I'm smart
Then I panic and fail another test

Sometimes I like to believe I'm all better
Then I have another panic attack

There is always room for improvement and acceptance
Philomena Dec 2018
Missing: Girl lost among the stars
Me in a nutshell
Philomena Dec 2018
We were strong
But the world was stronger

The Earth can send violent storms
Massive waves
And unhinged ground
And it changes the landscape forever
Never to return to before

That's where we are  
You saw the storm of my hate
Felt the waves of my sadness
And the tremors of my soul as it broke
And now here we stand
On a new decimated land
And we can never go back to before
Not that I would ever want to go back.
Philomena Dec 2018
Sometimes I feel like dying
Only because I cannot stand to be alive

Find myself flying
Waiting to dive.

Taking in air
Only to choke.

Trying to be strong
Knowing i'm broke.

So why should I live
Only to die.

Is there something out there?
Something to being alive.
Philomena Mar 2019
He truly is everything that I have loved
And as days turn to weeks
And weeks into months
Time is running shorter and shorter
I'm not ready to be alone again
I need you
One more month till i'm out there on my own.
Philomena Dec 2018
He is the sunrise over the black hills
He is the feeling from which my soul spills

He is the beating of my heart
He is the pain of being apart

He is my song
He is where I belong

He is amica mea
Because my bean is the best bean
Philomena Aug 2019
Bruised around the ankles
Burns on my thighs
Never be perfect
So why even try
Philomena Apr 2019
I can remember the first time I saw you like this
You were sitting in the same spot
And you seemed like a good person to talk to

I can remember the first time I saw you like this
You were wearing that same white shirt
And my chest felt heavy

Oh how far we have come
Philomena Mar 2019
Ups and Downs
Sideways, Inside-Out
But at the end of everyday i'm in your arms

You're just human
And I couldn't ask for more
Because my past is full of monsters
So human is a nice change

And I know it's not flashy or shiny
It's not perfect and pretty
But it's mine
And I wouldn't trade it for the world

I don't care if it is never like the movies
I've never been one for the silver screen
Because flowers fade and die but rocks are forever
And this is solid as rock

Tears and fits put you on edge
But you have no clue as you try to help me reach perfect
Just how far I've come with you
Because you shine so much brighter than the darkness in my heart

And I cant remember the last time I dreaded sunrise
Because the long nights of my past made morning a mere dream
But now I could lay in the darkness forever
As long as I have you by my side

I know you're not perfect
I'm not either
But at the end of the day you're perfect to me
Hello bean
Philomena Aug 2019
When I close my eyes I dream of you
Wrapped up tight in blue
Little darling I dream of you
Your soft pale skin
And eyes full of sky
Your voice like an angel
With anguish in your cry
So small yet so perfect in every way
Hold you close tomorrow and every day
Philomena Jun 2019
I am sorry little one
I know all the cuddles and the kisses in the world can't ease your pain
Doesn't stop me from giving them though
Your baby teeth are relentless
Just like everything else in your life to come
But like that too they are just another step
And they cannot be stopped
So I'll hold you a little closer
And kiss you a little more
Soon your baby teeth will be here
And the next step of life begins
5 months old and beginning the next step in life
Philomena Sep 2019
I'm not one to get ahead of myself
I try not to be a fool
But darling when I'm with you
My mind tends to wander
Because I just can't wait to marry you

I look up
And you're eyes are locked on me
And as much as I might deny it you really do complete me
You turn storm clouds to rain
And you bring out the best in me

You don't give yourself the credit you deserve
I understand that we're all human
But you are perfect to me
So as you probably have figured by now
I just can't wait to marry you
Philomena Feb 2020
Hello Jacob is not here right now please leave a message after the beep...

...BEEP

*Click
Philomena May 2019
Dawn breaks on this grey morning
And I can feel it as it stars
This is the beginning of the end
And I'll hold your hand as it all begins to fall apart
Cause nothing lasts forever
And nothing gold can stay
But stay with me just one more moment
And it all fades to black
At least we'll have this.
Philomena Jan 2019
I can recognize the smell in this room
It's a familiar smell
An old smell
A smell I used to bury my face into
And just close my eyes and drift away
But somethings changed
Its grown distant
And its grown cold
And I think it may have loved me once
But I will never truly know
It's going to be a long night I'm afraid
Philomena Feb 2019
It binds us
Intertwines us
Flows through my veins
And down my legs
Builds me up
Only to break me down

It fills the void in my heart
With a warmth I've never known
Pours from the wounds left by a broken world
And reassures what I've always known
I'm nothing
Nothing without the pain
Philomena Jan 2019
Too tired to function
Too awake to sleep
Caught in this limbo
Memories running on repeat

Before The night calls
I hope to break through
All of this darkness
And find my way to you

Daylight is a matter of hours away
And yet I am not not yet where I need to be
So hold me close
And help me to see

Thought all of this darkness
Bring me the light
Only together
Can we conquer the night
Love you bean
Philomena Apr 2019
Is is a broken glass girl
The crack started small
Broken under the pressure of her life and her pain
And with every breakdown the spread
From her heart to her limbs
Tiny fractures foreshadowing her end
And she crumbles more and more each day
Dying slowly but not entirely
Someone save the broken glass girl
Philomena Apr 2019
How funny it is that when you describe a girl you call her pretty, call her beautiful, call her gorgeous.

Our girls grow up with the only compliments they receive to be ones remarking their bodies and yet we wonder why we can't get them to eat.

They grow up believing wither consciously or unconscious they are judges by the bodies.

That the size of their jeans is their caste.  

That if they aren't pretty they are nothing.

Our little girls slather on the makeup and step into their heels smile till the corners of their mouths crack as if life was a beauty pageant and success and happiness were prizes to be won.

When you describe a boy you call his strong, call him tough, call him powerful.

Put the weight of the world in his hands and hope he can handle it.

Our men lead the way and our girls follow.

Why when you see a girl you never call her intelligent, call her resourceful, call her powerful.

Imagine a world where little girls weren't just bodies.

They were the daughters of destiny and the friends of fate.

They could do anything, and they were told that from the second they could listen.

Imagine if our girls could look past their bodies, could pus aside shame and hate and learn to love the vessels.

Imagine if our girls were powerful.
Philomena Feb 2019
It watching the minute hand
Every moment getting closer and closer
Time itself counting down
And soon, but not soon enough
I will wrap you up in my arms and hold you
I miss you all so much.
Philomena Oct 2019
I remember a time when I loved you
When you were my world
When you were all I loved
I remember your kisses and hugs
I remember the way you said my name
And the way you walked away
I remember the tears I wept
And the pain I felt
The emptiness you left me in
Cold words and colder eyes
They just don't suit you
Or at least the boy I used to know
Philomena Dec 2018
One two
Well look at you
Three Four
Always begging for more
Five six
But I'm all out of tricks
Seven Eight
So full of hate
Nine Ten
So I just wont breathe again
I like to read it going over each of the numbers with a breath in and then a breath out but thats just me. Guess i'm just tried of taking instruction from people who don't understand.
Philomena Aug 2019
Like severing a vein
Cutting you out of my life wasn't easy
It was clouded in doubt
And overflowing with pain
Overall brimming with sadness
Like hitting an artery
It was messy
But looking back it was quick
And ultimately needed to happen
Philomena Dec 2018
Funny how I turned out just like you
I know mom says it enough
"You're just like your father."

I wish things could have been different
That you could have loved me right
Like how you used to

I don't know what changed that
Was is my budding sexuality
Or my increasing sorrow

You find happiness in a bottle
But I believe happiness cant be bought bottled canned or packaged
Only found within us

And I wish you would figure that out
That if you opened your eyes and took a look around
We all try to make you proud

Because I am a daddy's girl
Always have been
Always will be

It's just a shame you cant find a way to approach me
To love me
Because I love you regardless of whats happened
"I'm drowning at the bottom of a bottle, looking at a man I swore I'd never be. No one ever has to face tomorrow. But I'm the one that has to face me."
Philomena May 2019
The pain sinks in
And with the right pills it's fine
Just have to wonder
What kind of damage it's doing
And if I'll ever be fine
Possibly have endometriosis, and well I'm terrified.
Philomena Aug 2019
There is a fine line to happiness
And at the end I'd like to believe stands you
Open arms and waiting for me
I want to savor every step
Every memory
Yet I can't wait to reach the end
However the future is shrouded with mystery
And the picture isn't real clear
Which is the only reason I take it one step at a time
Feel my way into what's to come
But with every step I believe a little more It's you
And I know I might be wrong as I often am
But I've never wanted anything more
bean <3
Philomena Apr 2019
Your eyes are closing
And I fear it may be the last time I ever see their brilliant blue
The cold surrounds us
And I wish I could rush you off to somewhere warmer than here
Somewhere where you could be safe

I'm trying to hold on
But your are so weak
And I don't know if I can save you
But I will try
Your body becomes more and more frail
And I'm afraid I might loose you to the darkness
It surrounds us above and below
Only the moon to illuminate the darkness of the sky
And to shed light on the inky waves

Your lips are still
And I miss your voice
Your laugh, and your smile
There is no human sound in the void
Just the whispers of demons in the wind
And the soft chirp of crickets from the shore
I'd like to believe it's the lull of the crickets that sends you to sleep
Rather than the hand of a woman beyond this world

She rises from the deep
And her voice is as soft as a lamb
Her eyes fall upon you laying there and her demeanor softens
Plucking your and up its incredible
I stare at her midnight skin against yours
I'd have guessed you were a porcelain doll had I not have known otherwise
Suddenly she turns to me sadness in her eyes
She reaches out and I simply stare back

She gives a soft smile and finally I take her hand
Under her will my hand reaches yours
You feel so cold but you're heart beats on
Its faint but present and I'm relieved
She looks to me again and I know it wont last
I pull you against my chest and hold you close

With my eyes closed I can smell your familiar smell
I can feel her hand on my shoulder
I lay you back down and step to the back of the vessel
She scoops you up and leans in
I watch as she kisses your forehead
An just like that your body goes limp

Its slow the way the tears feel running down my face
She steps over the side of the boat and back into the dark water
You look so peaceful as the water crashes over you
Lifeless sinking deeper and deeper into the depths cradled in her arms

I know she will watch over you in death as I did in life
She will lay you to sleep down in the deep
With the rest of her children
I hope you find comfort in the darkness
Philomena Dec 2018
Darkness creeps
And children weep
While shadows roam the street
Just a little bit of darkness.
Philomena Apr 2019
She is a dead glass girl
She is gone from this world
Her breaking heart could not last
She broke her body and her soul
And as the fractures in her glass grew and grew
She became tired of the pain
So she lept from the edge
And shattered on the pavement
Nothing but simmering shards on the concrete
Particles of beauty ripped apart
Gone
Goodbye glass girl
Philomena Jan 2019
Dear Sisters
I'm sorry we were ever born
The world is a cruel dark place
That we know know

Dear Brothers
I'm sorry I wasn't there
No one to hear your cries
Nothing to numb the pain

Dear Mothers
I'm doing my best
But life is hard
And I'm no one near done yet

Dear Fathers
I hope I'm everything you meant for me to be
Cause in the end its hard to see
But I know I get it all from you
My sleep schedule is thoroughly done, so yet again another long night.
Philomena Aug 23
When I found you little one
You were one of a kind
You lit up my world
You made me smile

Raising you was the joy in my life
Teaching you to walk and swim
Sharing meals
Watching you grow

And loosing you was my deepest low
The unfathomable pain
And cold lonliness
Watching you take your final breath
Philomena Apr 2019
Dear God,

Are you listening? It's me again. I was invited back into your home today, it's not my church and its not my priest but its still good. Yet I find myself afraid. What is it about being around others raised like me that bring me fear. Maybe I feel like I don't belong or that I wont quite fit in. Maybe I'm afraid I wont live up to whats expected of a devote follower.
I am not afraid of you, just the community and as bad as it sounds, being afraid of another church, it's the truth. Maybe I'm just anxious. Maybe I'm not ready to face my demons. Maybe I believe the darkness inside me will show and my impure body won't be accepted by you.
Whatever it is give me the strength to get through it and be welcomed home.
I can pick a quiet spot and talk to god all day but the second I"m in a foreign church with new people I panic
Philomena May 2019
I won't lie,
There are moment I question my actions.
Wonder what I've done,
Who I've betrayed,
And I sincerely hope that it all works out in the end.


It's not destiny that I await,
And I'm no friend to fate.
I take these steps on my own,
Still finding my place in a world so cold.

When the dust settles,
You and I will finally see,
What has become of me.
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