I miss awaking
With you by my side
Faking
Not wanting to let you inside
With your body pressed against mine
Begging
For me to say fine
And me finally letting
Myself give into your delicious temptation
Good morning ***
Before goodbye at the train station
Forgetting what wrecks
We had created
Losing our minds
We were sedated
Ignoring the signs
Destined for failure
My teenage romance
You were too much my senior
To be happy with a careless dance
And the lights went out
You were gone
And with that came pouring doubt
At dawn
Simple love may not exist
To act unconsciously
Is  not permissed
And certainly love is no democracy
I miss awaking
with you by my side

Motivation is at an all time low
Goodnight angels, goodnight hell
Goodnight world, let's take it slow.

You might think it's *****
But to me
The things that are *****
You cannot see
You have to
Feel.

Here’s to us
to the next generation
Here’s to us
to the first generation with shorter life expectancies than our parents
to the next generation to create the most lethal weapon
Here’s to us
to another generation that is perpetuating stigmas around *** and ****** preferences
to the next generation to create cancer causing chemicals
Here’s to us
to another generation keeping racism and sexism alive
And here’s to us
to the next generation to **** up the next generation!

Yeah, here’s to us and all the distress
we cause
Yeah, and here’s to us and all the mess
we cause

No!
Here’s to us
to the next generation
Here’s to us
to the generation craving to live deeply and fully
to the next generation that will fight for our rights as blacks and whites
Here’s to us
to the generation that understands that sexuality is fluid
to the next generation to walk for; work for cures
Here’s to us
to another generation of protests agains lies and fights won with mighty pens
And here’s to us
to the next generation to create the next generation.

What Relapse feels like
Relapse- a proper noun that steals your attention and commands your obedience

Every person that was a part of your recovery had been lying
The recollection that it did not **** you but it did not make you stronger
Reliving the moment it stopped your living and when it prevented your dying
The feeling that you will not survive much longer
That is how relapse feels

The first taste of fruit after a long and barren winter
A moment of peace in a life measured in seconds
The perfectly straight lines of a newly aligned printer
A demand for piled servings and SECONDS!
That is how relapse feels

The need of a familiar place; of a familiar face
Desire for someone to hold you tight
The need to go far away; to go to outer space
Desire to leave this world for the light
That is how relapse feels

It's a ripping motion
Between wanting it to end and wanting its intensification
Between having to much and too little emotion
And the worlds between the brain speak languages with no translation
That is how relapse feels

It feels so good just to be so bad
The beauty in the human body's ability to mend and to break
It feels so bad just to be so sad
And the repulsive face of being awake
That is how relapse feels

It's a tearing
It's a tugging
It's a pulling
It's a shoving

Relapse is looking at the sky and thanking God for the ability to be alive
ten minutes before a battle in the head
asking if it's worth it to survive
ten minutes before tears stain so silently alone in bed

It's a promise broken
It's every moment spent clean wasted
It's the truth unspoken
It's the loss of happiness that had barely been tasted

That.
That is how relapse feels.

Met you the day I thought I'd die
You cured my ******* January blues
After losing all I had to lose
I called you knowing loneliness poison

Intending to one night stand
You up

Late night mellow rock and
Balcony smokes in ice age Michigan
Bodies moving like snowflakes
Tears melting like liberated ice
My old world fading like a faraway pebble's wakes
My love becoming so loud I couldn't hear a word again

In silence I heard violins
An invisible orchestra playing to
The life I thought I was conducting

Too late did I learn
I was merely another violin
There for you to play
And without you pulling at my heartstrings
I would fall out of tune
And into disrepair

Music that makes you cry
And a love that makes you want to die
A beat that makes you scream
And someone with whom to scheme

A world that never ends
The impossibility of making amends
A colonization you can not escape
The place that will never take shape

Taking over my mind...

We write it and we destroy it
Do with it what we see fit
Tear it up
Burn it, hide it below dead js in a cup
Like our souls
Like the cigarette burn holes
In our shirts and our arms
Our sleeping bags
Awoken to forever-under-our-eyes bags

Every time I see men in uniform
I'm reminded of how you threw your life away
Willed yourself a killing storm
Leaving me with nothing to say

I believe in reincarnation
Someone will pick your soul out
Of the trash filled mountain, making of you a new creation
And I hope- no. I know without a doubt

You will be a flea.

He will

Kiss me hard
Touch me where I am scarred
Throw me out
Scream; shout
Remind me I am worthless
Make me wordless
Use
Abuse

But he will

Love me softly
Come home promptly
Take me out
Ask what I am all about
Remind me that he needs me
Compare me to a beautiful sea
Find me when I am afraid
Give me aide

And he will

*Always cry himself to sleep

I took you to the top of a Colorado mountain
A yogi with blonde hair and light eyes
Told us to let go of our anger, let it seep through our skin like a fountain
And evaporate into the angelic blue skies
Let it go
Let something go

She said "Be here, happy, now."
You told me that night
You felt relieved for the first time, though you didn't know how
But you finally felt you were not going to fight
Yourself
Your mind

I bombarded you with my energy
I cocooned you in my love
I gave you my spirit
I only hope you look back on our wanderings
That you are thankful for what you recieved
And that you still hold in you a bit of my energy, a bit of my peace.

You're pulling at my Earth
With your bicycle tire mind
My ground is vibrating
While you drag my beach towel like a magic carpet
Spin my thoughts like a washing machine
The way your mother used to throw your body in the swimming pool
Only you wept with glee, unlike me

A decision made impulsively
Sometimes ends repulsively
But sometimes ends perfectly
And eradicates conformity

Look just a little more you
(When in fact there's less of you)
They look again and say that's WHO?
Open up their world view

When they see that people can change

Something must make you happy;
something must make you sad.
Humans cannot simply be.
Events construct emotions.
Right?
Something must be wrong with her-
An extra something, making her disturbed.
Removing that will fix her, yes?
An extra foot of hair- watch it fall from silver sheers;
an extra twenty pounds- watch as each disappears;
an extra pint of blood- feel it evaporate with old fears.
With everything wrong now gone there is no sorrow.

Sadness is not replaced with joy,
it's not replaced at all.
The hollow void must be filled somehow.
Something must be wrong with her-
A missing something, making her incomplete.
Adding that will fix her up, yes?
One more earring- a small silver pin;
One more scar- a memory on her skin;
One more boy- feel him feel her in sin.

Addition and subtraction won't make a person whole,
but it's too late now for her to walk away.
She's started a complex equation
and will never see the solution defined.

I realized you were a small town man;
That you'd be more satisfied with being a comfortable failure than having to work for success.
You'd rather become your parents
Unstable:
Mentally
Financially
Romantically,
And unimpactful on this Earth's humanity.

I was a world traveler.  
In need of constant
Change
Challenge
Risk
And movement.  
I need a constant toiling in my mind
A constant pressure to move
A constant reminder that my next step could change the world
A constant potential for improvement

I realized you were content with what you knew
And my passion for learning was unappeaseable by your stagnant mind

I remember the books you wouldn't read
The songs you wouldn't sing
The explorations on which you refused to accompany me
The worlds you wouldn't see

And I now know that meant you would never last next to me
It's not your fault you couldn't keep up
Or mine I couldn't slow down
We can blame each other
My lack of satisfaction
Your lack of motivation  
Psychology
Economics
Chemistry
Chance
God
Karma
Fate
All these reasons
But none are real
Truthfully, we were just not meant to be

With each other we were not free
With your annoyance at my distance and my anger at your dissonance
Far corners of the earth you were not meant to see

I know now that my craving for motion
My roller coaster emotion
Is too fast paced
For someone like you
And to drag you behind me would be a waste
As we are not amazed by the same things, we do not have the same taste

It is possible that I'll never find someone
That worships this world as I do
and craves these things next to me
But at least alone I won't hurt anyone with my motion

Our opia
Was *****
On winter nights and
Beneath the summer sun
You looked at me
And fueled my addiction

Our love
Melancholy melody
Droned on
Through the seasons
A constant craving
Until finally I ran out of you

You left me
My addiction still raging full force
You left me
With no help through detox  
And that is why it killed me

What am I hoping to find?
My hands smell of cigarettes,
But the nicotine won't calm my mind,

I want to feel alive
Stuck in this world, but I'm blind
Because you left when I was five

Daddy's little girl, ain't so little any more
Can't quit smoking, can't quit drinking, a crazy *** drive
All 'cause she watched Daddy walk out with some *****

When she was small all was well
Even when she heard slam the door
All had to be well, so she wouldn't tell

Why are you back?
In the past, I don't want to dwell.
It's giving me a panic attack.

I'm sorry I'm drinking, I inherited that from you.
I'm sorry that I'm smoking, inherited that too.
I'm sorry I'm *****, guess the depictions of "Daddy issues" are true.
I'm sorry that I'm seventeen, and for everything I do.

Spins
The office chair aligns itself with the overhead fan
In sync they orbit my body
Holding still as I turn indefinitely
It's nauseating and satisfying

Thoughts never left unfelt;
words never left unthought,
torturing the mind they cannot escape.
Illusive, yet demanding to be spoken.

Breaking, hiding, running at impossible speed
in fear of the coming storm.
The syllables are sprinting
while utterances bevel behind boarded windows

The mind turned against itself;
feelings turned against their maker,
while the dark rains, drowning rains, are pouring.
The intracranial hurricane forces itself through the ruins.

Treacherous, turbulent storm a’brewing
Discolored and tornadoing
through the mind’s hills and valleys.
Unorganized and unrelenting.

Five thousand of you read
My secrets
One thousand of you
Good Morning ***

How can I not mind
That you've all seen inside my mind
When nobody in my "real world" knows
The color of my eyes

You, and your tricks and your toys
Running with your bad ideas
Like scissors You, and your kicks and your ploys
To see what messes you could create for your gallerias.



Feed me *******
Smoke me down  
Pour me champagne
Evaporate this town



You're a liar
But I need you in my marrow...
Yes, now, the notes are gettin' higher
The hallways narrow

As my brain gets brighter
Eyes get wider
Life gets lighter
As I sip sweet cider

I'll look up longer
Still connected to Earth's core
Body to mind, stronger
Watching beauty, on it's hinges swing the door

Leaves drip like tears from trees
As the clouds paint the sky
But still life is full of idiosyncrasies
And you still told too many lies

Navigating these new age jungles
City species run through the curious dark
Thinking now is the time to be alive
As we stay out late enough to watch the sunrise
From suicidal heights
We stay awake to watch our minds commit themselves to their ultimate demise

Once bustling brains become a barren tundra
Their city thoughts die
Bodies still moving with the beat
Thoughts experience defeat
Conquered by the never ending
Availability of bad decisions

We are the buildings with out ceilings
We want another round
We are badasses without feelings
(At least we pretend to be with our looks and our sounds)

~

Messes in dresses running through empty city streets
After the voices of those we love whispered
They would never let us go
And proceeded to do just so

Learning to articulate from rap songs
Not resisting the urge to emulate our bad influences  
Lot of love
Lot of hate
**** karma when you can’t discern
What’s good from what is wrong

It’s all going to break
Down the hollow factory’s stairs
Where we ruin our lives without compunction
And brag about who we will impress
With the mistakes we said we’d made

Oh, darling, my focus is unbroken
until I hear your call
Those few words you'd spoken
In the twenty twelve fall
Spin in my head slightly broken

Boy, I'll never forget you
But I ought to move along
You're welcome on this trip too
Sing with me my lyricless song
We'll search for the greatest view

Trust me, and the church of blue and green
Run through the ultimate adversity
and the ultimate strength will be seen
I'll follow you; invoke my curiosity
even through you're only eighteen

Oh, darling, my focus is unbroken
until I hear our song
an off-pitch love token
soon- it won't be long
before the truth is spoken

And I'll have to get out now
wait, slowly focus returns
as it will I vow
as the pills tip back and the incense burns
Take a bow

The focus is back and your love is gone

Getting drunk at the bar
Knowing I won't be going far
Getting high off a line
Hoping for some godly sign

On this city Christmas Eve
I want to leave
But I can't move my feet
Can't face the street

Missing my man
Cursing him - ****
For being two years gone
In his life I was just a pawn

I would let anyone lie next to me
In the darkness I cannot see
I crave human touch
I don't ask for much...

I wonder if he heard the bullet
                 if he heard the gun crack
                 if he knew his breath was his last
                 if he thought about his future
                          thought about his past
                 if he thought at all
                                  or if it was too fast
I wonder if he heard the bullet

Did love dizzy his mind?
Did he think about his girl-
How she would feel when his body she'd find?
Did he think about his friends-
Who he would leave behind?
Did he think about himself
                 Trying to survive?

I wonder if he felt the pavement catch him
                 if he was still alive
I wonder when his heart stopped beating:
   was it in the backseat of a car?
   where they left his body?
   Did they drag him far?

I wonder what he was thinking;
I hope that he was not.

His fiancé flew to a corpse, not a wedding venue.
His mother to a coroner, not a graduation.
His brother accepted his diploma, not knowing what had happened.
I hope that he never realized these things.

Feeling lost and gone
In need of simple song
The shortest stick is drawn
Lies, but you'll go along

Touch you one last time
"Goodbye," and all your cries
A final sign
To sever all your ties

But it cannot be done
You will not be drowned
Under my midnight sun
You cannot make a sound

Amazed you have been saved

There used to be
Love in the air
Blatantly shown- for all to see
Long gone, and I wouldn't dare
To try again
Not much longer
Before it's a sin
To mutter those words, no fonder
Am I of the concept
Of love
Than I am of the way you're inept
Push and shove
****
You
Left no luck
Isn't that true
My father and my mother
You and I
Don't love one another
I thought forever 'till we die
On that very first date
Little did I know
That long ago sealed was our fate
It didn't show
Scared am I now
When I see the way we reflect
My parents relationship- wow
They way they were able to infect
My love life with their hell.

When my body is strong enough
I sleep around
Go out with boys who are tough
I make lots of sound

When my body is strong enough
I get high
Let guys be rough
I close my eye

Now my body is weak
I look around
Too sick to speak
I won't make a sound

Now my body is weak
I look at a boy who smiles
I turn my cheek
For the daily trials

But when I look back he still smiles
And I can't help but smile too
I think we could run for miles
In reality I could move a foot or two

But this happens every time I fall ill
And we never talk when I'm well
But I'll smile at him still
Only time will tell

If he becomes more than a childlike attraction in my life...

Little bells
Only time tells
Listen as they ring
Promise not to sing

Music starts slow
But picks up fast- let's go
Bass high
Don't look me in the eye

Fill a pipe
Up the hype
Inhale green
What you've seen

Unzip my jeans
Don't care what it all means
Backseat of my car
No such thing as too far

*Don't talk to me; I don't care who you are.

Tell me your secrets as you weave your fingers between my thighs
Teach me your history as your eyes knock down my mind
Tell my why while we both get high

Please let me into your world as you tell me I complete it
Please let me win you over as you coach me; tell me more as you tell me "more"
Let's close our eyes like we always do, this time opening our minds and allowing ourselves to see

I am a constellation
A baffling creation of unintentional art
A random selection of cells
That form no shape, no being

I am the outline in a child's activity book
Connect the dots
An undrawn picture
Of a previously imagined individual

We humans make pictures with the stars
We draw lines between the dots
We create pictures of the things we are familiar  with
Assuming one leads to two
Defining vast and undesigned constellations into images material possessions
Based only on their locations

I have been tracing the lines between the numbers
Drawing pictures of myself in the sky
Trying to define myself in a human way
Trying to find enough of myself to fill the outlines laid down for me

I cannot find the pieces
I cannot fit the shapes
The rigid lines between the stars
Drawn on your human map
Do not fit my soul
And cannot be filled with my mind
Too much and not enough simultaneously

I cannot be your connect the dot
I cannot find the proper path to the image you created of me
Cannot draw or walk or be the lines
You painstakingly wrote out for me to trace

For the lines you drew do not truly exist
You drew them there to make the inexplicable scattering of dots and stars more comprehensible
You wanted the Galaxy to be graced with familiarity

I am not familiar
I am simply a random selection of cells
Simply the dots
Simply the stars
With no images or meanings

I see problems down the line
Darkness steals my sight
While I'm looking for a sign
I can't see without any light

It's humid here
And the windows are cracked
I'm eating but I'm starving with fear
A smile on her face but emotion is lacked

I'm feeling the room with my mind
Listening to the songs from their creaking radio
And hoping for some hidden existential secret to find
As over and over in my mind turns this scenario

I'm pale and freckled and my hair is long
They're dark and their voices hum melodies sweeter than my supper
It's a long and simple song
Almost describing the state of mind after taking an upper

The men seem happy
The women seem lonely
It is fall and the woods grow sappy
It is dark and here I am young and only

They're here because they don't have any money
I'm here because I don't have any friends
They treat me lovingly, like I am their communal child, calling me honey
They tell me no worries things change and to an end come trends

My blue pleated skirt is saturated with the scent of soul food
And my mind carries the only bit of them that leaves the kitchen
My white button up hides the good
And my ears hold in the things told to the only one who'd listen

See colors
Hear beats
Have wonders
Feel a kiss of peace
A mess of confusion
I'm caught in a storm I will never see
The illusion
of a calm that will never be
Awoken in the morning
Disoriented and blind
Forgetting my mother's warning
"Don't associate with them, they aren't your kind"

You take my hand
"Didn't see you there," I laugh
Carry me to the sand
Look, on my behalf
You let me listen to the waves
I recognize the change in your inflection when you smile
And my heart caves
You're my lily of the Nile

My ice cold beer in Hell
The lock on my door
A secret I don't have to tell
My everything, you're

I have trust
I have love
In this world that I must

I am a hallowed out book
An ornate casing that should hold beauty between its walls
Instead, emptied of emotion
And often filled with drugs, *****, and unthinkable secrets

My pages are torn out
The words that should be used to express my thoughts have been desecrated
I will never be complete again
Where my story once was, now fragments of pages with sazerac stains are found

The few memories left wrapped around the flask when this whole mess began
Were soon torn off in desperation
And rolled into funnels to fuel late nights' bad decisions

Calculus believes in God:
That's how each problem is solved
Chemistry believes  in Karma-
So each equation is balanced: what happens on one side happens on both
Physics believes in ******* the good over;
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction

Yet, Earth spins because of the rules of physics.
What does that say about out lives?

And literature believes in everything you do
Or nothing you do
Or it tears you apart because half of the work aligns with your beliefs while the other half appalls you

new age jungles and city species
running through the curious dark
you say “Now IS the time to be alive.”
and stay out late
to watch the sunrise
from suicidal heights
see the bright lights
see the city sights
read your last rites
got
high insights
stay awake to watch the sun rise
to watch your mind fall down
to watch your ultimate demise

bustling brains become a barren tundra
and city thoughts die
and bodies still move with the beat
while thoughts experience defeat
you’re not complete
gotta cheat
gotta eat
but you gotta retreat
but you gotta take a seat
now it’s bittersweet
step back, gotta let go
gotta move on
skip the free throw

Like a vase of ashes
I am full
Dense but dead

I lay in the impression of your body
On the right side of the bed
The side pressed against the window
Always the window facing side was yours
Perhaps because you always felt the urge to escape
The need to be able to flee my presence at any given moment
Any flit of your mind
And any flicker of my imperfection

In the dark
Laying in the attic
The rain is slow and painful
There is one persistent dripping directly above me
Many more feel as though they are closing in on me
As if taunting my incompetent tear ducts
My eyes that refuse to cry

Here I am
The master of change
Trying not to give a ****
Guess the simple exchange
Of window views
Wasn't enough to alleviate
Them **** social cues
Tellin' me to incarcerate
The feelings I've got for you


It's hard to get over you
(You're in my head)
When I'm so often under you
in my bed
So I'm leavin' this town
Gettin' out while I still can
Won't let you hold me down
'Cause darlin', you ain't my man
Anymore

I broke down helplessly
And I know it's weak
That I'm running selfishly
Away from home, but I ought to seek
Out some sort of happy emotion
That's only far away from you
Accept this notion
And move on, too
That shouldn't be hard for someone like you

I often ponder whether I'd rather have had you pretend to love me
Until the end of my short life
Or if I should be thankful
That I will not die believing your lies

Looking off the same ledge
Making the pledge
That I won’t one day be
One of  the people who see
That view
As their last view
Jumping/ falling before they see the light

A million years ago on a dark warm night
I walked across the ledge and exhaled
Remember me, when our relationship’s Hell was unveiled
When we were in love
With the push and shove
This place could be

To me
The little girl
She dances and sings
A bicyclist
His bell it rings
A man
He smokes
A classmate
She jokes
I see graffiti
Take a look,
Sweetie.

Dancing around the kitchen
And through the eons of lives we'd forgotten we'd shared
Becoming again one another's addiction
With love blatantly declared

Inhaling the spring sunlit air
And absorbing the memories we made alone
Truly listening to what the other has to share
And looking at what is shown

Artificially corrected vision
Does not influence the natural inspiration
Nor the precision
With which we build our creation

We walk
We are; ain't
We talk
Paint!

We smile when we want to
Not when we're told we should
We act true
And we are good

A pair
An alliance
Breathing the same air
Unrestrained by some invisible fence
~live together peacefully~

The worst kind of nightmares are the waking ones
Dreams become serene scenes from which you jolt awake
Into the living Hell of reality

I listened to your stories
Placed them deep within me
Wanting to keep your secrets safe
My heart's key I threw away

You're gone and
My love is locked

If anyone wants it back
They'll have to melt my skin
Sort through my veins
And dissect my heart

Al because you let me throw
The only copy of my key away

Everything I fix I break
And everything I break I lose
Please
don't let me try to fix you

Everything I give I take
And everything I take I bruise
Please
Don't let me give myself to you

I'm working on having my first book of poetry published right now. It will have some of the poems I have posted here and a whole bunch more that will be exclusive to the book. If any of you are interested in purchasing it, feel free to message me here so you can get your hands on one of the first copies! It's looking like they're going to be about $10-$15 at the moment, but nothing is set in stone. Thanks to all of you supporting me here on hellopoetry.com, I honestly wouldn't have felt empowered enough to go through with this had I not had each and every one of your views, likes, comments, messages, and love. Also, thanks in advance to those of you who will be purchasing!!

We’re all suicidal
Our bodies
Our minds

Whatever demons conquer us first
Chemicals
Organs

Seems the most respectable way
To stop beating
Is a drive by
Shot to the head

****** is all that’s left
Each other

But only naturally
Your own bullet
Would be the way out

To die on your own will
They say is a sin

The situation
Turns you around
Reversibly
Dizzy with an unsuspecting victim’s sight

If you can’t put an end
To the beat of your heart
Decide when to pull the plug

The trigger

I guess, you’ll have to go
By some sort of ******

Breathing,
Feeling,
Crushing weight of heartbreak healing.

I am walking,
I am singing;
I am living,
I am being.  

It's raining sunshine;
I'm sweating ice.

The painter is blind,
The pianist is deaf,
The poet is illiterate.
You are inconsiderate.

At best.

-

I am walking.
Ten miles yesterday.
Talking
One hundred miles an hour, looking for a way-
Some way- to keep myself alive.

I am singing.
Bourbon fueled ballads of confusion
Not quite dancing, my body is swinging
In ways reminiscent of your delusion:
Somehow you thought you couldn't thrive.

I am living.
I am soaking up Earth.
I am forgiving
You for my hell. I am acknowledging your worth.
Not everything of me did you deprive.

I am being.
I am in the present
I am seeing
Clearly, we came and went.
Now, I still hope for your well being.

-

For your sun speckled eyes to shine down at someone, one day, you'll love.
For your violent mind, one day, to calm.
Your pressured heart; your unfinished art.

For your captive spirit to be free again.
For the wanderer inside you to be found again.

I picture
The mountaintops we threw our brains over
The cities I traced for you
The shoes you laced, the adversity we faced...

I still hope

You find those things one day
In your poor racked brain:
Turn them over,
Read the dates stamped on the back
like old Polaroids.
Letting them dance through your mind
Leaving imprints
Inspiring new bounds, new footprints.