Breathing,
Feeling,
Crushing weight of heartbreak healing.

I am walking,
I am singing;
I am living,
I am being.  

It's raining sunshine;
I'm sweating ice.

The painter is blind,
The pianist is deaf,
The poet is illiterate.
You are inconsiderate.

At best.

-

I am walking.
Ten miles yesterday.
Talking
One hundred miles an hour, looking for a way-
Some way- to keep myself alive.

I am singing.
Bourbon fueled ballads of confusion
Not quite dancing, my body is swinging
In ways reminiscent of your delusion:
Somehow you thought you couldn't thrive.

I am living.
I am soaking up Earth.
I am forgiving
You for my hell. I am acknowledging your worth.
Not everything of me did you deprive.

I am being.
I am in the present
I am seeing
Clearly, we came and went.
Now, I still hope for your well being.

-

For your sun speckled eyes to shine down at someone, one day, you'll love.
For your violent mind, one day, to calm.
Your pressured heart; your unfinished art.

For your captive spirit to be free again.
For the wanderer inside you to be found again.

I picture
The mountaintops we threw our brains over
The cities I traced for you
The shoes you laced, the adversity we faced...

I still hope

You find those things one day
In your poor racked brain:
Turn them over,
Read the dates stamped on the back
like old Polaroids.
Letting them dance through your mind
Leaving imprints
Inspiring new bounds, new footprints.

It was weird
I didn’t think about
Jumping off
That’s cliche

I thought about
How last time I was there
With Him
I was getting high over cheap wine
and weird vegan pizza

And there was a tiny gold lock
With no key and nothing was
Engraved

And we tilted over the
edge
And walked across the
beams
Where we should have been scared but
the wind and the ****
Kept us afloat.

The taste in your mouth as you hold back tears
The secrets ringing in your ears
Body aching of pain
Mind aching of fear

~

First forced into silence
Forced into a game
Trained into shyness
Trained to feel shame

First he locked me out of his world
Our once shared consciousnesses became untwirled
Left me out of his mind
Finding a new life and leaving me behind

Second he locked me out of his presence
Refusing to touch me
Ignoring my essence
Declining to see me

Finally he locked me out of myself
My thoughts were confiscated
Creativity incarcerated in a small box on a high shelf
Breaking me until I was fully isolated

I am reading your each and every word
You are being heard
It's just, I don't know what to say
I'm lost today; every day

But I'm not broken lost
My mind is freshly tossed
Thrown to some new destination
Spending time on creation

I'm dating someone who doesn't hurt me
It's all so new, you see?
And I feel like a *****
Because I don't trust that he won't switch
Sides

I've been tricked and teased and lied to
Too many times too
To many times to
Trust another heartbreaker- not this one too

But I'm outrageous; I'm a fool
He's an angel, not a tool
I'm stupid; I'm ignorant
He's glorious and innocent!

But maybe- I don't know
Because at first it doesn't show
He's out to hurt me
Just wait and see

A week from now I'll be cut up dead
Left in the shed
All because I trusted a boy
Who got tired of me, his brand new toy

And what the **** am I doing-- thinking
I'm not thinking I'm sinking
Sinking further and further into love
And romanticizing every accidental shove




Now, I won't tell you not to smoke
Hell, every once in a while a spark a ****
And threats won't convince you
And lies won't deceive you

Now, I won't tell you it'll get better
But I hope maybe I can help with this letter
I can't trick you into being happy
Event through my attempts which are sappy

But I'll tell you, if I may,
And I ask that you hear what I have to say:
Life is in color
So open your eyes and try to love her

I didn't see the beauty in things
I never had an innocent desire for wings
Until I picked up a paintbrush
And created colors oh so lush...

If you're r missing a color, find it, and if you can't, create it. That's a good way to live your life.

17
Million little pieces
Sprinkles
Hammered Coke

The wind blows
It falls
Cascades

Faded
Me and then the high
Where the little pieces gone

Colors gone
White it overtakes. I overlook.
Or pigment spread across Earth

17
Million little pieces
For me to stumble upon
Serendipitously

Run into me
As I cross from Hell to Hell
Pieces of me.

I feel as though I’ve done sub par
I’ve come so far
But you’ve set for me
Such a **** high bar
Ranked me alongside men like the czar
But can’t you see?

I’m not there yet
My decisions are not set
In stone
I feel such a threat
All the time I fret
That what I plan, I will not own

I feel  alone in my collapse
Caught in traps
With no way of escape
My judgment, or rather lapse
There of - left me without maps
To my future- years to come haven’t taken shape

Your expectations
Lead to conversations
After which I feel everyone I’m Disappointing
I stare at your success during many late night congregations
My emulations
Are littered with your qualities- sharp pain in what I lack- Pointing

Fingers at my weaknesses
But they aren’t coming from geniuses
They spout from my own hands
From by brain packed with diseases
Nothing pleases
Me. Who knows where my future lands?

It's amazing,
the way I was drawn to him
because he looked
like summer at a time
I craved only the hollowness
of winter.
It's amazing
that his love
compensated for my
self hate,
and that he was able to make me forget
who I was.
The simplicity in
holding hands captivated me and
I forgot that I was addicted to speed. Everything about the way
he let me love him was slow and innocent.
He fixed me.
He sewed up my
spine, expanded my
stomach,
and thawed my
lungs with his
warm breath.
The scars faded,
but it was amazingly easy
for him to change his mind: rip out the stitches
leaving them to
bleed, open to
infection,
and wanting
anything that could stop
the pain.
****** in the back seat
of some guy's car,
lines off an unknown
man's kitchen counter,
smoke in my
parents house
with the window
open so I could
pretend they didn't know,
cuts
up my legs.
Anything
to forget that someone could be
so
**** cruel,
anything to forget that someone could be
so
happy. Lost
in the tears that run
with the water
in the shower
twice a day, lost
in my mind that cannot
escape
itself
no matter how
intoxicated...
No matter how
exhausted, was my sanity. Everything has
escaped,
he still looks like summer,
I finally found the hollowness
of winter.
It's amazing how
it happened:
it started; it ended.
Eventually,
one of us will die
And
the other will regret that it didn't
last.
It will be amazing
the way one of us
feels again in those first few moments
after the other is
gone. If
I last, will i watch the
flashes
of our lives and
feel again
the ignorant perfection of our
love or the
pain of removing the
stitches?

On Friday Morning I told you that I knew
as I walked through the door
blue

On Friday Morning I was not worth it
as I walked through the door
hit

On Friday Morning the night came back in pieces
as I walked through the door
releases

I had told you that I loved you
as I blackout danced
woo

A lie
A goodbye

so what
If my reality-
The Grainy Daze in which I survive-
Isn't what you see?
                                       I DON'T CARE
(no, I do)
What if all the images of mine
That I hopelessly entwine
Don't fit the same resolution
And it's all
Cut.
Short.
and the credits roll?

One through the window
To **** the pane
Next through my Brain
To **** the insane
Laughed to myself

Because Babe, it’s ironic

Noise cuts
like glass
For all the times we’ve been called *****
Break the obscured

Frames

It’s gone: the fog shattered
making way for the clear outdoors
Turn it 90 degrees, mind already scattered
Click

But it’s silent
There was only one
No permit of my violent
Shh

Click-Click-Splash-Fall
How am I here?
There was no fire
I’m on the ground, dear.
Red. Taken over by what
Must have been the fear.

Nothing can **** the insane
Not even my Brain.

Life's weird
Without your crooked smile
Your mess over mine; tiered
You: in denial-
My pride blocked rationale
Your ignorance lied
But all the while, pal
We kept ourselves tied
Down.

Someone else spits words
But only one I hear
They remind me of the way we were absurds
Dear

Someone else stutters
There words as in-cohesive as our intrusive
Thoughts- never uttered
****** up as our ribs- protrusive

Someone else reads
"the sharp edges of the night"
Had they felt the sharp seeds
Planted to grow into an everlasting fight

Someone else reads s l o w l y, meaningfully
But I don't listen
Numbed dully
Behind my eyes I no longer glisten

Someone else breaks
Give me hunger
She won't know how the fakes
Make everything last longer

To them they're just
Words that someone else wrote
Not something that took courage to must
Not a secret/ scribbled on a note
(to no one)

I want nobody to ever have to see me again and I want to never have to see anyone again
I want to sing in the woods and sleep by the fire and shower in the rain and dance to a nonexistent tune
I want to be sometimes alone but never to be lonely I want to be content but never ecstatic and never broken down never concerned
I want to be with so many people all that I love, but none of them broken as they are. They're there just for me to love and have.
I want a blanket and tea and shelter from demons that live in my heart.

I have two eyes
With no irises
So the pupils can expand and narrow
Indefinitely

Music for breakfast-
absorb it through my heart.
Like a plant absorbs light.
But I scratch out Track Six
Like a plant blocks green,
because I don’t like Track SIX.

Everything I see
because making a selection
is too hard.
I can’t.
I end up looking
like a primary schooler.
First given the privilege to dress himself.

My biggest secrets
are the things I’ve forgotten.

I wish I could be the things I’ve forgotten
The amnesia
I’m in love with the way she doesn’t care.

I dream our child.
Split 50/50 genes.
A surgical device who’s name I can’t recall-
but amnesia probably can-
That cuts apart and immediately sews back
together

I dream in my sleep
the things that I can.
And everything is real
because it is all from what I
recall.

I think.
Because I must confess-
Reflections are always a bit deranged.
Ripples through my face
when a pebble hits the water.

Solutions seem to be tossed to me
How simple it would be
If I could just cry
(let it all out)
If I could just die
(let it all end)

But oh how you
Complicate the way I think

It's excruciating
Being surrounded by laughter and love
While sitting behind a paper thin wall
Silently alone

It's horrifying
Hearing someone else's joyful speech
While trapped in a dark room with a locked door
Painfully aware