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AB Nov 2018
This approaching despair,
This feeling like everything’s out of control,
The want to run from myself.
Knowing that you’re done with me,

Feeling like I’m drifting through everyday
Like a rudderless boat in a swirling sea.
Feeling like who I am
Isn’t me.

I’ve felt this before
And I hoped I never would.
AB Jun 2018
I’m not who I was.
I’m not likable.
I’m nothing to anyone.
I’m not special.
I’ve realized,
I just don’t want to be me anymore.
Today I wish I could just disappear
AB Mar 2017
I have stories in my head.
I have feelings in my heart.
I have songs in my mouth.
But the words don't flow.

I want to write of adventure.
I want to sing of good times.
I want to express how much I love you.
But my mind forms these thoughts too slow.

I want to tell the stories of heroes I've dreamed up.
I want to compose ballads that stick in people's heads.
I want to write of love and life as I've experienced them.
But as I grasp for the words, from my hand they go.

I want to write. I should start today.
But here, in this moment, I don't know what to say.
It's always a struggle to make myself write and to put my thoughts to paper
AB Sep 2016
It's really fairly simple,
To love, and be loved.
Or at least
It should be
AB May 2015
Windows show only crowded darkness.
Face lit with artificial light.
Keyboard clicks maddeningly in time.
A million thoughts
A thousand reasons
A hundred unanswered questions.

Who to blame for this night?
Was it me?
Was it you?
I don't really know,
I only know that I can't sleep
And I don't know where you are.

It's another late night.
Another hour passed, a minute gone, a day lost.
Without ever knowing why.
And in the Darkened window mirror, I see your face
next to mine.

And I wonder why.
Forever, asking why.
It ended long ago and I still do not know why
AB Oct 2016
Watching life unfold,
My life.
Powerless to change the way I am,
Unable to control the way my life goes,
No control on this ride through the years.

My life feels like a movie,
The sets made up,
The actors with lines remembered,
The events set to unfold despite me.

I spend the day thinking,
"Don't do that"
"Why are you doing that"

But I cannot stop myself from taking these actions.

I'm utterly without control,
A spectator in my own life,
A watcher from inside my body.
It's a strange feeling and I wish I could change it
It's been a strange series of weeks
AB Nov 2018
To spend with someone who embarrasses you.
To spend someone who angers you.
To spend with someone who disgusts you.
To spend with someone who makes you feel unwanted.

Life is just too ******* short

To be spent with someone like me
I tell myself all the time that good things are too good to last and now I think I’ve finallu convinced myself
AB Aug 2014
A million things to apologize for.
Ten thousand times I wish Id said
"I'm really not ******* okay".
A thousand days I want to do
Over again.
A hundred times whispered
"I hate who I have become"

Ten days that all I saw
Was the end I need to carry out.

And one
Just one
Simple step.
Slide the knife
End your life.

But instead I held on.
I hoped for better.
I prayed I could be more.
And I found
That I'm not.

I'm still broken,
Still shattered,
Still lost.

I still hate who I've become.
Only now I scream it in my mind.
Hoping the world will hear
But praying no one will bother.

I don't want to be a burden
I just want to love her.
But maybe broken people are meant
To stay broken
And to break the things the touch.
Maybe I'm broken
Because I'm meant to be this way
AB Jul 2014
Her eyes,
Her smile,

Her
I know love cannot really be described in five words but for me this is what it is
AB Feb 2019
I’ve been snacking all morning.
Chips,
Fruit,
Soda,
Even a delicious scotcheroo.
But now it’s lunch time and I have nothing
Left....
So I sit here idly staring out the window.
Thinking of the snacks I had just hours earlier;
Wishing I’d saved them for this moment.

The light of the vending machine glows in my peripheral vision.
Snacks and treats begging to be bought for the measly sum of $1.
All those snacks I could have,
But I’ll just look out this window.
Enjoying my break without lunch.
Something a little different for the odd day I’m having
AB Jun 2014
I love you
That's what it is
I've loved you
Every minute
Every second I've spent with you.

You smile
And my heart races.
You speak and
My ears are instantly listening.
I touch you
And the spark between is lights up.

My dear
I'll have you know
That minute by minute
My love for you has grown.
I'm amazed
I wish I could put this to words.
But simple words are nothing
They cannot describe how I feel.
You my love

I will love you until this world ends
Me
AB Mar 2015
Me
On the edges of the sharpest knives
   In the middle of the darkest nights
   Always knew that I'd find you here

For the longest time
I blamed me.
Forever and a day
I hated me.
Every morning and at night
I didn't want to be
Me.

I wanted to be another
To be the other you wanted.
To still be your smile.
To still have your heart.
To be that one
But I'm just me.

You broke me.
You tortured me.
You hurt me.
You made everything about me.
But it wasn't me,
You did this.

You gave up, not me.
You stopped trying, not me.
You forgot loving, not me.
You changed,
Not me.

But you left me.

That's where I broke and fell apart,
That's when everything didn't make sense,
When it all seemed like a horrible nightmare,
Where everything good was gone,
And all I loved was lost.

But really, I was still me.

Some nights I still have those nightmares.
But they're not as dark, and not as painful.
Some nights I still dream of you.
Of the life and the love we had.
But it's not the same now. Now I know
That you broke us.
That you destroyed us.
That you, and only you, gave up on
Us. Not me.

And that's how I got better. That's how I found
Me.
The beginning lines are song lyrics that really spoke to the way my private war began
Me
AB Apr 2017
Me
These days
I don't know
Who I am
Anymore.
Keep trying To make changes and life keeps pushing back
AB Aug 2015
We hold onto memories
Of the people we knew.
We can't hold onto people.
They change.
Memories are always the same.
AB Jan 2016
It's almost that time,
When the new day begins.
And another one ends.

Another one without you.
Another one alone.
Another one wondering why.
Another one trying to forgive myself.
And not being able to.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.
It has to be better.

Life cannot continue this way.
Life cannot be going downward every day like this.
Life has to be so much better than this.
Life without you used to be something I never thought about. Now
Life alone is something I deal with every day.

Midnight comes.
Nothing stops it and nothing changes it.
But tomorrow is a new day;
At least that's what I have to tell myself
AB Aug 2014
Smiling
While inside your breaking
AB Jan 2016
No sun shine today.
Grey and dull
And cold.

A light snow,
A single bird,
This place is frozen in time.
Winter has finally hit us.

So long, we've hidden in warm weather,
Now free of those constraints.
The cold brings us out of hiding.
To roam the world again.
Winter things we are.

Morning brings us forth to you.
I had this weird idea of some kind of winter monsters that can only come forth in very low temps. Where I live we've had unseasonably warm weather; this morning the temp is 5 degrees.
AB Jul 2014
It's energy in the morning
Energy at night.
Getting me through work.
Always by my side
Doesn't speak, doesn't
Judge my actions.
Simply there always.

Unless I don't have money to buy it.

I could say it's like alcohol
But more addictive.
"I can stop anytime" I say
But that's untrue
It's my friend
In the simple green and red can.

Only one other knows my obsession
We share it
And that is why we remain friends.
I usually write somewhat sad or forlorn love poems and I wanted to try my hand at something a little more altruistic
AB May 2015
Reading through the old poems
Seeing how things have changed.
How I have changed.

Before, loss was my only friend.
All I understood was heartbreak.
But I survived it.
I think
In my heart
That everyone must know true loss.

True horrifying heartbreak.

It makes you stronger.
It shows you the way to real happiness.
It shows you what the smile of a true lover looks like.
What her touch truly feels like.
You know how her voice sounds when she means what she says.

"I love you"

They're just words. But
on her lips, they are my saving grace.
When she says that
This broken heart knows that she means it.
I've learned, through failure,
What the true love sounds like.

It's not just a phrase, its a feeling, a rush, a fluttering in your chest.
Love changes from time to time and with time we all grow stronger
AB May 2015
Isn't it lovely?
That no matter what
No matter how bad something is
No matter the horror it brings
No matter the heartbreak
No matter the pain and sadness
No matter any of it
Life goes on.

It simply does.

Every day
It goes on.
Life goes on and you can either be left behind or do everything you can to keep up.
AB Jan 2016
Today could have been three years.
Today could have been just a small part
Of the forever
You promised me.

But in reality,
It was only 6 months.
It was only 180 days.
Some would say, it was only a half year.
But for me,
For me it was everything.

I believed every promise.
I believed in forever.
But to you, I was only another
Person in the line. I was only
A small part of your life.

I learned something in that time.
Something that is very important to me today.
I learned that when forever becomes
Only;
The person left believing in that forever,
Is left with nothing.

I guess, in the end, it was only love.
They say it gets easier with time. I don't believe that. I think that time just puts things in perspective
AB Feb 2016
Don't hate me.
I promise,
I tried to make this all better.

But you see,
My darling, I'm just a **** up.
I was never ready for this life.

Everything went wrong
And I couldn't handle it.
Please don't hate me.
AB Mar 2016
Visceral reactions,
Overwhelming emotion,
Words flowing across the page,
Everything contained in the lines.

Life is poetry.
Poetry is our life.

The days we live,
The lives we carry on
It's all symbolism and imagery,
It's all poetry.
My stab at national poetry day
AB Aug 2015
You're allowed to feel lost.
You're allowed to be heartbroken.
You're allowed to hold yourself in sadness.
Remember,
You're allowed to be human.
AB May 2017
How I
See myself,

Is not how
You
See me.

Thankfully.
AB May 2015
When I crashed my bike in the driveway,
She was there.
When I fell out of the tree and busted my wrist,
She was there.
When my first love broke my heart into a million pieces,
She was there.
When my dog, my first pet, my best friend, had to be put to sleep,
Still, She was there.

Through every injury,
every heart break, and heart ache;
Through every day that left me behind,
and the problems that were always on my mind;
She was always there.

Now that I have grown
become the person she always wanted for me to be,
Now I know,
that I am here.
I am here for her
Like she was always there for me.

For you, mother, I will do anything.
For you today, I say this:
Happy Mother's Day, I love you with all my heart.
you only really have one mother and when she says "I love you" you know she means it
AB Jan 2016
The snows drifts lazily by,
Falling, flying, soundless.
Working on nights with
Only the snow for company.
AB Jun 2017
How did it come to this?
How did I end up so alone?
What have I done to become this?

I used to be happier,
I used to have friends
And plans and people to talk to.
Now it's just me.

Do I change myself?
Do I change who I am,
To fit the world around me?
Am I pushed everyone away?
I just don't know.

Maybe this is just the way it goes.
Me here, them there,
And the window in between.
I don't know this is kind of cobbled together
AB Jan 2016
A blanket of white on the ground.
The same covering the trees around.
Wind blowing the snow in my face.
Honestly, I love this wintery place.
It's home to everything I know.
In January, all we can see is the snow.
Finally gave a good snowfall here and it's something I love
AB Nov 2017
I find myself doing the things you used to do.
The way you'd bite your lip when you were thinking.
The way you'd put your hands together
During a scary movie.

I find myself mimicking the little things
That I loved about you.
And it breaks my heart to feel this;
That I can't get you out of my head.

Your actions, your smile, your voice:
They're imprinted in my brain.
You became a part of me
And I think that's what made it hurt so much
When you left and took that part of me
With you, away from me.

Everybody tells me
"Just get over it"
"Move on"
"It was just a stupid summer crush"

But you were everything to me
And I don't think I'll ever be able to feel that again.
I steeled my heart and closed off my mind.

I'll never let anyone in like that again.
Never.

But sometimes... I want to
Some people you just don't get over. I don't care what others say. There's some love that stays with you despite the hurt or the time that passes.
AB Jan 2016
With love,
With lust,
With loss,
With longing,
With desperation.

Say it quietly.
Shout it out loud.
Scream it in ecstasy.
Savor the taste of the words on your tongue.

All that I ask
Is that you speak them to me.

Just those three well known words.
Say them to me.
Think them with me on your mind.
Whisper them at night when I sleep.

I don't care how you say it.
Just say, you love me.
AB May 2016
It's horrible to realize you're
No different than any one before or after,
For the one you loved.
It's awful to see them
Treat someone else the same way
They treated you.
It's disheartening and heartwrenching
To see them brag about the new person
In their life
The way they bragged about you.

It's terrifying and it hurts so much
For them to show you you're not special
In their heart.
Love is a very finicky thing
AB Feb 2019
For months I’ve promised myself I would do this,
Said over and over “I need to write more.”
Well I’m finally doing it.
Starting today I’ll write every day.
Sometimes it will hurt and sometimes I will struggle.
Struggle to find the words and struggle to find
The motivation—
But I will write.
I’m not an overly confident person and I fight mightily with my demons.
But writing helps and I don’t write enough.
So expect to see me more; those of you in this community—
Because I’m back and I’m writing!
Few things make me feel as good as writing does and I’ve been making excuses for why I shouldn’t write. I’m done with those and I will write everyday.
AB Feb 2016
The sun hides in this place
The grey clouds hamper it's light.

Here the stones rest,
Long straight rows, emblazoned with names.

A sergeant here, a corporal there.
The rank no longer matters.

In battle they were brothers,
In death their stones share space.

The snow crunches underfoot moving through
The mass, a solitary crow stands sentinel.

Ever watchful, ever present,
We mourn, we respect, we love.

Men and women, they gave their lives for us.
For our sons and daughters to know better
Futures.
Visited Arlington recently and I was just awestruck by it. Tried to capture it's beauty and the reverence I have for that place in this poem
AB Mar 2016
It's hard to get over
The past.
It's just, really
*******
Hard.
But I'm trying.
I'm doing my best to forget it;
To forget you.
The past will always haunt me
AB May 2014
That you said a lot of things
But meant very few of them.
You said what I wanted to hear
Gave me hope when I had nothing.
And you took it away
Because, me, I believed you.
I believed every word you said
Because I needed them to be true.
I need you to mean what you said
"I love you"
"I need you"
"I will be yours forever"
I needed those words to be true.
Needed you to be true
Yet,
You weren't.
You were taking advantage of the moment. The time
It took me to fall in love.
You took my need and used your greed
To get something out of it for you
Only you.
You left me when you promised
Forever.
You disappeared and said
"I was young when I promised you that"
You made an excuse
To go off and leave me gasping
For air.
Pinching myself hoping to wake up.
Telling myself it would be a dream
Forcing myself to know it wasn't real.
And then
Then came the pain.
The regret.
The fear.
That I was wrong.
That something was wrong with me.
I've never known pain like that.
And I never will again.
You broke that part of me.
I'll never love like that again.
Because it's too hard to know the pain.
To have the fear of the same outcome.
Do I want love?
Yes.
I want the nights in my truck.
The days waiting for you.
The smiles from you
The look in those brown eyes.
I mistook it for love.
But that's not what it was.
It was something else.
Something without words put to it.
Something worse than hate.
I wanted the "I love you"s
The "I need you"s
The smiles and kisses.
All of that I needed it.
And you knew it.
Well you got your wish
I'm broken because I trusted you.
And that's the worse thing I can imagine
Because you made it seem simple.
Well goodnight and good luck ladybug.
This the last time.
The last day you'll get from me.
Because know I'll live for myself.
And maybe I'll know love again.
I don't know...
Maybe I don't want that
AB Jan 2016
Today I realized
Why we never worked.

The problem was, you were
The only good thing in my life.

When the rest of my life was in shambles,
You were the only good I found everyday.

You took advantage of that.
Because I gave you my all.

But your life, your life was good;
I was just an extra piece of the puzzle.

When you realized that I didn't fit;
You just passed me off because I wasn't
Necessary.

The problem was my life.
I thought you were my life, because I needed
You to be my life.

Too much was going wrong.
Too much was ****** up.
But you were perfect
To me.

The problem was always me.
Me; and my horrible life.
AB Jan 2016
"It only hurts for a while."
"It'll get better."
"It was just a relationship."
"Get over it."

They say a lot; without, but they know so much more.
They don't tell you some very important things:

How long it takes to move on.
How hard it is to let go.
How much you will miss those feelings.
And
How hard it is to accept that things change.

They say that it's easy,
but they know that it isn't easy.
They know that it's horrible to see someone change
That person you love
Turns into someone else.

Listen to what they say
But know that there is so much more to it than that.
I don't think that we ever get over someone we love. I think that eventually we learn to accept that life moves on.
AB Feb 2016
On your way out
Do not pout
Nay slow not tarry ye heathen
I've known long of your thievin.
Betrayed I was
By a boy of round eyes and peach fuzz.

Taken my prizes were
By a child with a leopard's purr.
Twas in night much as this
That his presence I did miss.
For gone was he
Out the window did he flee

The scoundrel, rapscallion, fool,
For Twas beneath the window, a frozen pool.
Through the ice did he go
And a scream did he throw.

Fore drowning did he
That one what stole from me.
My brother and I have been exchanging silly poems and this was one I came up with that I rather liked
AB May 2014
I hate this feeling
Like it really doesn't matter.
I'm in love with everything
That is you.
And I'm trying so hard to be
Independent and non chalant
But I'm screaming on the inside.
Begging for you to say
"I love you more"
"I need you always"
I've got this inner turmoil.
Dread of my own being.
I want to be with you
Next to you
Touching you
Caressing and kissing you.
But I'm so far away.
God it's lonely here.
Nobody ever says that.
Love can be very lonely.
It's horrible to feel like this.
Like I'm an accessory to your life
And not the centerpiece you are
In mine.
How do I get rid of this....
This god awful feeling.
Maybe I'll never know
Just wandering through life
Hoping for an answer
AB Jan 2016
You want it to be.

Where you're there, living your life
And I'm stuck here; broken.
You made those choices
To cut me out.
And now, this is the way it is.

You used to say:
"I'll never leave."
"I promise this is forever."
"You're perfect to me."

But you lied.

Or maybe,
That's just the way it was
When you said those things.
Because I know
That things change.
Life gets in the way.

But this is the way you want it to be.

I trusted those things you said.
I believed every word.
I know that I am not perfect.
But you gave me hope that maybe i just didn't see the best parts
of myself.

All I could see: the way you looked at me.
All I could hear: the sound of your voice when you said
"I'll love you forever."
All I could feel was your hand holding mine at night.
All I could taste: your lips on mine.
All I wanted: you to never leave me.

But this is the way
It has to be now.
With you there, living your life
And me sallow and broken, in mine.
Not having the best night, reliving old wounds and broken promises. Tomorrow will always be better; at least that's what I tell myself
AB Aug 2015
It starts with horrible sadness.
The heart wrenching feeling that nothing will be good again.
You become hopeless.

Then you get angry.
Not just mad,
But totally irate.
"Why would he do that?"
"How could she do this to me?"
It's the time of:
"I don't deserve to be treated like this"
And here we lash out at that person.
We take or anger out on them.

Then there is acceptance.
No longer do we want that person back.
No longer do we blame them.
No longer do we feel the need for answers.
Here, hopefully we find peace.

Each stage is horrible.
Each stage breaks you down slightly,
But builds you up a little more.
They're all necessary.
Remember that.
"Trying everyday to get over it"
AB Jul 2014
On this night
The king-god Zeus does battle
With the titans of old.
The sky is livened
By his hurled bolts of lightening.
Their targets simply
Unseen to the mortal eye.

The calm is shattered
By the clash of thunderbolt
On stone and molten rock.
Our protector, he remains.
Though many have forgotten him
To myth, legend, and lore
We have forgotten the safety
That his lightning strikes provide.

On sunny days
Cloudless nights
We are allowed to forget his ways.
But on this night
In these dark and stormy hours,
The true believers remember.
That Zeus has watched over us
For millennia. Battling an unseen
War, waged in the tales of old
But carried out before our eyes.

We must recall that he,
The one King-God, Zeus, has
Watched over us dutifully since time
Before time before memory.
He has kept us safe
From the titans of old.
And the lightening strikes
Remind us of stories untold
AB Jun 2015
My blue eyed girl
My brown haired lovely
My gorgeous, amazing, woman.
How did I
Get so lucky to have
You smile at me.
To have you fall for me.
To have you want me.
Me, broken, beaten, and defeated
And in that darkness I found you.
You are my light, shining the way
Showing me that everything can be better.
You are the person I've dreamed of having.
The one of wanted all along and never had.
You have a way, of smiling at me
And making everything seem to disappear.
My fears, my worries, my hesitation
It all disappears in that smile.

You're gorgeous my dear, more lovely
Than anyone I've seen before.
You're love makes me whole.
You've fixed my broken ways and I love you.
AB Jan 2016
Go to work.
Make money.
Spend all your time.

You have to do something you love.
What if there's no "salvation" waiting above.
Make the most of this time here
Take the day off with your friends and a beer.
It's this one life we've got.
Take this day as your one shot,
To be better, to live happier, to be you.
Tell me, friend,
What will you do
To make this day live for you?
Don't waste away your life rushing toward some glorious afterlife. What if this is all we get?
AB Mar 2016
Poor little Donny.
Long ago all he had
Was his overlarge, pumpkin-shaped head,
His tiny baby hands,
And a small loan of a million dollars.

He struck out for himself,
With only that million dollars to his name.
And he became a success...
And then went bankrupt,
And then found success again,
And then bankruptcy,
And finally more success.

He bought himself a wife,
Made himself a daughter he wants to date,
And put in a run for president.

Now he stands atop a pedestal,
Spewing forth hate-filled words,
Xenophobic and mono-syllabic.
His white washed fans, bowing before their Fuhrer.

Our best and brightest spend their days decrying his actions,
Our true leaders point out his massive ineptitudes,
Our comedians creating thoroughly researched,
20 minute rants about this tiny-handed, pumpkin man.
The other leaders of the world stand baffled by Donny's popularity.

But still his stands behind his podium,
With his red hat,
Waving his baby hands and blubbering about his
"Great brain. The best brain."
And the
"Fantastic wall. The great wall. A Trump wall."

And so the question becomes,
What will this tyrannical child do
When his presidential aspirations are destroyed?
For he lacks the support of any minority group,
Any women's group,
And any level-headed person.

The answer is simple:
He will sue, or at least threaten to do so.
He will rant and rave like the lunatic that he is.
His racist followers will do the same.
But their blabbering will be lost in the words of the intelligent.

Or at least we hope that will be the outcome.
Why, oh why, little handed Donny,
Must you spew such hatred and xenophobia?
Why can you not return to your tower of gold,
With your expensed wife, and bobble sized pumpkin head?

Please leave us be.
Just my take on this whole Trumpscapade
AB Jan 2016
I...
    ...Loved...
                     ...You...
But not anymore
AB Apr 2016
Excitement
     (stressed parents)
Endless fun to have
     (bickering couples)
Days of joy and laughter
     (screaming children)
It's the happiest place on earth
     (you'll slowly miss being home)
We've spent this week at Disney. My first time and it's been incredible. But there are downsides as with everything
AB Feb 2017
We all want something;
To live
To love
To have wealth
To have nice things.

We all want someone;
Someone to tell us
Everything will be alright.
Someone to tell us
You're not the monster you see in yourself.

But sometimes
We must realize that
We don't always get what we want.

Sometimes we have to see
That some of us,
Are too broken to be deserving of those things.

We have to move on. Always move on
Lack of sleep is really not helping my ability to face today
AB Nov 2016
The day moves on.
The week moves on.
The month and year all move on.
Life, of course, moves on.

        But some of us
        Life moves on without.
        We're left where we stopped
        Sitting along and wondering why.

              Life has no time for our selfish thoughts,
                    Life has no care for how we cope.
                         Life just moves on.

And so
Must we.

Easier said than done, I suppose.
I tried to mess with the format a little to try to convey how I see this poem and the way it flows. I'm not sure how much I like it but I guess it's okay for now
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