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Feb 2019 · 251
Lunch Break
AB Feb 2019
I’ve been snacking all morning.
Even a delicious scotcheroo.
But now it’s lunch time and I have nothing
So I sit here idly staring out the window.
Thinking of the snacks I had just hours earlier;
Wishing I’d saved them for this moment.

The light of the vending machine glows in my peripheral vision.
Snacks and treats begging to be bought for the measly sum of $1.
All those snacks I could have,
But I’ll just look out this window.
Enjoying my break without lunch.
Something a little different for the odd day I’m having
Feb 2019 · 695
Starting Today
AB Feb 2019
For months I’ve promised myself I would do this,
Said over and over “I need to write more.”
Well I’m finally doing it.
Starting today I’ll write every day.
Sometimes it will hurt and sometimes I will struggle.
Struggle to find the words and struggle to find
The motivation—
But I will write.
I’m not an overly confident person and I fight mightily with my demons.
But writing helps and I don’t write enough.
So expect to see me more; those of you in this community—
Because I’m back and I’m writing!
Few things make me feel as good as writing does and I’ve been making excuses for why I shouldn’t write. I’m done with those and I will write everyday.
Nov 2018 · 153
I’ve Felt This Before
AB Nov 2018
This approaching despair,
This feeling like everything’s out of control,
The want to run from myself.
Knowing that you’re done with me,

Feeling like I’m drifting through everyday
Like a rudderless boat in a swirling sea.
Feeling like who I am
Isn’t me.

I’ve felt this before
And I hoped I never would.
Nov 2018 · 291
Life Is Too Short
AB Nov 2018
To spend with someone who embarrasses you.
To spend someone who angers you.
To spend with someone who disgusts you.
To spend with someone who makes you feel unwanted.

Life is just too ******* short

To be spent with someone like me
I tell myself all the time that good things are too good to last and now I think I’ve finallu convinced myself
Jun 2018 · 303
I’ve Realized
AB Jun 2018
I’m not who I was.
I’m not likable.
I’m nothing to anyone.
I’m not special.
I’ve realized,
I just don’t want to be me anymore.
Today I wish I could just disappear
Nov 2017 · 1.7k
AB Nov 2017
I find myself doing the things you used to do.
The way you'd bite your lip when you were thinking.
The way you'd put your hands together
During a scary movie.

I find myself mimicking the little things
That I loved about you.
And it breaks my heart to feel this;
That I can't get you out of my head.

Your actions, your smile, your voice:
They're imprinted in my brain.
You became a part of me
And I think that's what made it hurt so much
When you left and took that part of me
With you, away from me.

Everybody tells me
"Just get over it"
"Move on"
"It was just a stupid summer crush"

But you were everything to me
And I don't think I'll ever be able to feel that again.
I steeled my heart and closed off my mind.

I'll never let anyone in like that again.

But sometimes... I want to
Some people you just don't get over. I don't care what others say. There's some love that stays with you despite the hurt or the time that passes.
Sep 2017 · 306
You, Me, and Them
AB Sep 2017
You have to be strong.
Because me, I'm weak,
I've let them break me down.

You have to be wise.
Because me, I'm confused,
I've let them cloud my judgement.

You have to be loved.
Because me, I'm despised,
I've let them change who I am.

You have to be far from me.
Because me, I'm a sickness,
I've let them destroy the good in me.

I've let them turn me into something I
Don't recognize anymore.
I've become what they always wanted.
Jul 2017 · 665
You Fucked Me Up...
AB Jul 2017
You knew I was broken
You knew I couldn't take more loss
You knew I was holding to you
Like a drowning man
Clinging to driftwood.

And still you left me.

You said I was needy
You said I was clingy
You said I wasn't strong enough alone
You said it was my fault.

And you said those things with ease.

Well it's been a while.
And I thought I'd get better.
But I didn't.
You ****** me up...

Or maybe I did that to myself.
They say not to be stuck in the past but for me I just don't know how to move past those thoughts
Jun 2017 · 1.0k
Before I Sleep
AB Jun 2017
I question everything I
Did that day.

I go back over everything I
Said to anyone else.

I return to all the insecurities
And worries that I've had so long.

Before I sleep I start to wonder
Do I even know
Who I am?
Seems like words are the only thing that helps
AB Jun 2017
How did it come to this?
How did I end up so alone?
What have I done to become this?

I used to be happier,
I used to have friends
And plans and people to talk to.
Now it's just me.

Do I change myself?
Do I change who I am,
To fit the world around me?
Am I pushed everyone away?
I just don't know.

Maybe this is just the way it goes.
Me here, them there,
And the window in between.
I don't know this is kind of cobbled together
May 2017 · 376
Self Reflection
AB May 2017
How I
See myself,

Is not how
See me.

May 2017 · 441
AB May 2017
You're my only friend.
My only companion.
You're my only rock
In this storm.

Sometimes I think
I'll be just fine without you.
But you're my only sanity,
My only way to know how to feel.

You're my only friend,
And you're two thousand miles
Loneliness seems to hit me in waves and I don't know how to stop that
May 2017 · 1.2k
Words and Thoughts
AB May 2017
I tell you the words you want to hear,
I think things that no one else should have
to think

Today I feel great
Today is another day I just don't want to do this

I'm living my life the way I want
I've made too many mistakes to ever get the
life that I want

She loves me
No one could love me
I'm just too broken

I'm doing better
Than I ever have
I don't see the difference,
I don't see myself

I matter
*To no one
I had this idea to do an interior and exterior monologue. Still a work in progress
Apr 2017 · 793
AB Apr 2017
These days
I don't know
Who I am
Keep trying To make changes and life keeps pushing back
Apr 2017 · 281
Giving up
AB Apr 2017
It's easy.
Giving up is simple.
You just stop caring.

It's the lead up that's hard,
Losing friends is hard,
Losing yourself isn't hard,
Forgetting what you lived for
Is hard.

But giving up is easy.

The fear,
The darkness inside you,
It's always been there.
Always within you,
Giving into it is hard.

But giving up is easy.

Living is ******* hard,
Trying to be yourself
In a world of copycats
Is hard. Being who you
Want to truly be
Can feel impossible.  

But giving up is easy

I want to be me.
I want to continue live my life.
I want to do the things I've dreamed of;
I don't want to give up

But it's just so **** easy.
Sometimes I think the darkness inside me will always win and no matter what I do it just cannot be pushed out.
Mar 2017 · 786
I Want To Write
AB Mar 2017
I have stories in my head.
I have feelings in my heart.
I have songs in my mouth.
But the words don't flow.

I want to write of adventure.
I want to sing of good times.
I want to express how much I love you.
But my mind forms these thoughts too slow.

I want to tell the stories of heroes I've dreamed up.
I want to compose ballads that stick in people's heads.
I want to write of love and life as I've experienced them.
But as I grasp for the words, from my hand they go.

I want to write. I should start today.
But here, in this moment, I don't know what to say.
It's always a struggle to make myself write and to put my thoughts to paper
Mar 2017 · 438
AB Mar 2017
There's many things I'd change--looking back.
I wish I'd been nicer in high school.
I wish I'd tried harder to be myself.
I wish I wasn't always trying to fit in.
I wish I'd tried harder with the first
woman I loved.
I wish I'd given my family more of my time.
I wish I'd been more careful with my feelings.
I wish I'd understood how quickly money can
Be frivolously spent.
I wish I'd been a better friend
And a calmer person.

Looking back on it all;
I don't think I have regrets.
It all led me to where I am today.
But there are some things I wish I didn't say.
It's always easier to look back than to look forward
Feb 2017 · 732
Without You
AB Feb 2017
Without you:
I wouldn't know when the tv is too loud.
I would know when the milk has gone bad.
I wouldn't know when I need a haircut.
I wouldn't remember doctors appointments.
I wouldn't know when I'm driving too fast.

You nag me a lot,
But I love you more because of it. And
Without you
I wouldn't know I am loved
Just something interesting I was thinking this morning
Feb 2017 · 321
AB Feb 2017
We all want something;
To live
To love
To have wealth
To have nice things.

We all want someone;
Someone to tell us
Everything will be alright.
Someone to tell us
You're not the monster you see in yourself.

But sometimes
We must realize that
We don't always get what we want.

Sometimes we have to see
That some of us,
Are too broken to be deserving of those things.

We have to move on. Always move on
Lack of sleep is really not helping my ability to face today
Jan 2017 · 456
A Question
AB Jan 2017
The way the smiles
Turned to tears.
The way the joy
Was crushed by insecurities and fears.

The way we went from snuggling
To bickering and namecalling.
The way the sparkle in your eye
Started to dim and eventual die.

The way you stopped saying
"I love you so much"
And the way your voice
Speaking in my head was made to hush.

The way everything
Seemed to implode.

Was it my fault?
A question I'll never get the answer to
Jan 2017 · 254
A Long Drive Late At Night
AB Jan 2017
A sad song whispers from the speakers.
The sound of her voice whispers in my head.

A word,
A phrase,
Meanings lost
In the covering of years.

The snow crunches lightly under tires
Worn with miles trying to outrun her memory.
My hands shake on the wheel,
I can't forget the sound of her voice.

The speakers go silent as the song ends,
The darkness seems to be nearer now.
Headlights no longer cutting through
The black.

I drive on.
Running from it all.
Running is all I know.
Hiding in the night.

The song starts again.
AB Dec 2016
I shouldn't have told you
The things I worried about.

I shouldn't have told you
The worst fears I had.

I shouldn't have told you
I was afraid to lose you.

I shouldn't have told you
How I felt about myself.

I shouldn't have trusted you
Not to pull the trigger on my heart.

I should have written poetry.
Maybe then you would have stayed.
They say time heals all wounds. If only it would heal mine
Dec 2016 · 402
At The Door
AB Dec 2016
When the world knocks
I won't answer.

When the world knocks
I'll pretend to be asleep.

When the world knocks
I'll hide in my room. I'll hide myself.

When the world knocks
I'll know I should be there
But I can't.

When the world knocks*
I hope it knocks on someone else's door.
Sometimes we're just not able to help everyone.
Nov 2016 · 1.2k
AB Nov 2016
When you look back on it, you think:
"Those were the good times"
"She was the best for me"
"I've never been so in love"

But we're all blind.
Blind to the fights,
Blind to the tears and curses,
Blind to the way we felt
In the worst times.

Our minds hold on to the good memories,
In our minds we see only the smiles and laughs
The trips and days spent rolling in bed.
We blind ourselves to the way
Things really went--and why they ended.
We're all blind to the bad
When we want the good times back.
We're all blind to someone who hurt us.
Nov 2016 · 355
AB Nov 2016
Blinking at me.
Demanding something of me,
Something I cannot give it.

The cursor demands meaning and direction,
It demands thoughts and ideas to put to words.
Those I don't have.

All I have is this cursor.

Nov 2016 · 693
We All Move On
AB Nov 2016
The day moves on.
The week moves on.
The month and year all move on.
Life, of course, moves on.

        But some of us
        Life moves on without.
        We're left where we stopped
        Sitting along and wondering why.

              Life has no time for our selfish thoughts,
                    Life has no care for how we cope.
                         Life just moves on.

And so
Must we.

Easier said than done, I suppose.
I tried to mess with the format a little to try to convey how I see this poem and the way it flows. I'm not sure how much I like it but I guess it's okay for now
Nov 2016 · 700
AB Nov 2016
How are you?
How are you feeling?

It's so **** easy to just say "good".
To hide a lifetime of worry and fear
In one simple word.
The alternative is...
The truth

To look at someone and say
"I'm worried about money"
"I haven't been feeling so good lately"
"I have fears about where my life is headed"

It's easier to say
"I'm good"
But it's not true.
I feel now, more than ever, that I need to put everything into words. I'm too scared to let my thoughts just ramble about in my head. If I make them words then I can face them.
Oct 2016 · 566
Life (From The Outside)
AB Oct 2016
Watching life unfold,
My life.
Powerless to change the way I am,
Unable to control the way my life goes,
No control on this ride through the years.

My life feels like a movie,
The sets made up,
The actors with lines remembered,
The events set to unfold despite me.

I spend the day thinking,
"Don't do that"
"Why are you doing that"

But I cannot stop myself from taking these actions.

I'm utterly without control,
A spectator in my own life,
A watcher from inside my body.
It's a strange feeling and I wish I could change it
It's been a strange series of weeks
Sep 2016 · 534
I Wish It Was
AB Sep 2016
It's really fairly simple,
To love, and be loved.
Or at least
It should be
Sep 2016 · 837
If I,
AB Sep 2016
I've always wondered what my life
Would have been like.

I've always wondered how
Things would be different.

I've put a lot of stock in love stories.
In the way things are supposed to go.

I think that's kinda silly now.
I think it's a bit childish.
I think it's dreaming for the sake of the dream.
And I shouldn't live like that.

If I,
Could have lived in the moment
Given you everything I knew how to give
Don't everything I knew how to do
Tried to be the best for you
If I,
had done all those things

It wouldn't have mattered--you didn't love me.

If I had known that,
Things would have been better
Sometimes I really wonder how things would (or could) have been different. But honestly I think I'm happy in the now. Or at least I want to be
Jul 2016 · 1.1k
I Smiled
AB Jul 2016
I hope you think of me
When it's late at night.
I hope you remember the way I smiled
When you said "I can't do this anymore."
I hope you think of me
And wonder why I smiled then.

I smiled because I knew,
I knew I loved you even if
You couldn't love me.
I smiled because
You were breaking my heart,
And I didn't know what else to do.

I hope you think of me and you realize,
I smiled every day for you.
Even when I hid my tortured life
From you.
I smiled so you would be happy.
I smiled so you wouldn't worry.
I smiled so you would know my face.

And I smiled then,
Because it's what I always knew how to do
When everything fell apart.
When people pop back up in your life after they've hurt you; they rarely want what's best for you. They come back because they know you will always be there. Remember to smile as you turn them away.
Jul 2016 · 2.9k
Day Off
AB Jul 2016
I will not adult today,
I will go out and play,
To my Pokemon and Legos I will say,
"It is for building and battles I deem this day."

Outside in the wind my hair will sway
And stress will not, my nerves, fray.

I will not adult today,
Imaginary monsters will I slay.
A pile of candy I will have on a tray,
Only blue skies I see, no clouds of grey.

For peace of mind I need not pray,
Today is mine and mine to do as I may.

What's that? The phone rings in my way,
It's my boss, he has something to say...
Off to work I go, I guess I will adult today.
Tomorrow I promise to do nothing but play.
My day off got canceled. But that's okay I suppose
May 2016 · 499
Hi Mom,
AB May 2016
She knows,
In those two words,
How you're feeling and why you're calling.

She knows,
In those two words,
That you need her in that moment.

She knows,
Because she's your mom.
She knows that you need her in the worst times.
And she will always be there for you.
Definitely needed to hear my moms voice after today. She always helps me feel like less of a failure when things don't go my way
May 2016 · 898
AB May 2016
It's horrible to realize you're
No different than any one before or after,
For the one you loved.
It's awful to see them
Treat someone else the same way
They treated you.
It's disheartening and heartwrenching
To see them brag about the new person
In their life
The way they bragged about you.

It's terrifying and it hurts so much
For them to show you you're not special
In their heart.
Love is a very finicky thing
May 2016 · 598
AB May 2016
Life always moves forward
With you,
Without you,
For you,
Against you,
But always forward.

It's unfortunate for us all,
That time never stops. Moments
Must be stolen from its clutches.
But we find them. We hold our moments
Against Time's relentless march,
And in that
We win.

No, time will never slow down.
But it will never go any faster either.
It simply moves forward.
Don't let it control how you live.
Your life is yours.
Always yours.
Had a pretty big letdown today and I'm trying to help myself see that there will always be new opportunities
AB May 2016
Moving left to right,
Hips sway slowly,
Hair brushing one shoulder to the next,
Eyes closed and lips miming the words
She hears in her head.

We all wish those words were ours,
That our creativity made her move that way.
But they're not ours,
She's dancing to someone else's song
Apr 2016 · 2.0k
AB Apr 2016
Hellos, goodbyes,
Tears, smiles, regrets.
Families going together
And some breaking apart.
The planes come
And go
       and so do the people
It's a place we all have been to
But only a few of us truly know it
Back from vacation and waiting in the terminal
Apr 2016 · 2.5k
Walt Disney World
AB Apr 2016
     (stressed parents)
Endless fun to have
     (bickering couples)
Days of joy and laughter
     (screaming children)
It's the happiest place on earth
     (you'll slowly miss being home)
We've spent this week at Disney. My first time and it's been incredible. But there are downsides as with everything
Apr 2016 · 1.1k
AB Apr 2016
I made a choice today,
To no longer hold on to memories of you.
I made a choice today,
To no longer let thoughts of you hold me back.
I made a choice today,
To take back my life from regrets about you.

I made my choice today,
To move on,
To be happy.
I've finally learned that happiness is something you have to choose to be. You have to make the conscientious choice to be happy
Mar 2016 · 1.1k
AB Mar 2016
Poor little Donny.
Long ago all he had
Was his overlarge, pumpkin-shaped head,
His tiny baby hands,
And a small loan of a million dollars.

He struck out for himself,
With only that million dollars to his name.
And he became a success...
And then went bankrupt,
And then found success again,
And then bankruptcy,
And finally more success.

He bought himself a wife,
Made himself a daughter he wants to date,
And put in a run for president.

Now he stands atop a pedestal,
Spewing forth hate-filled words,
Xenophobic and mono-syllabic.
His white washed fans, bowing before their Fuhrer.

Our best and brightest spend their days decrying his actions,
Our true leaders point out his massive ineptitudes,
Our comedians creating thoroughly researched,
20 minute rants about this tiny-handed, pumpkin man.
The other leaders of the world stand baffled by Donny's popularity.

But still his stands behind his podium,
With his red hat,
Waving his baby hands and blubbering about his
"Great brain. The best brain."
And the
"Fantastic wall. The great wall. A Trump wall."

And so the question becomes,
What will this tyrannical child do
When his presidential aspirations are destroyed?
For he lacks the support of any minority group,
Any women's group,
And any level-headed person.

The answer is simple:
He will sue, or at least threaten to do so.
He will rant and rave like the lunatic that he is.
His racist followers will do the same.
But their blabbering will be lost in the words of the intelligent.

Or at least we hope that will be the outcome.
Why, oh why, little handed Donny,
Must you spew such hatred and xenophobia?
Why can you not return to your tower of gold,
With your expensed wife, and bobble sized pumpkin head?

Please leave us be.
Just my take on this whole Trumpscapade
Mar 2016 · 709
Why We Write
AB Mar 2016
They don't understand the draw,
The need to put thoughts to paper,
The drive to create flowing words and lines.

They'll never know the feeling,
The way the heart is lifted by the script,
The joy that comes from writing.
But we do.

We know how it feels to lay bare our hearts,
To have our lives become the words.
We are poets who need
To be Poetry.
National Poetry Day
Mar 2016 · 354
AB Mar 2016
Visceral reactions,
Overwhelming emotion,
Words flowing across the page,
Everything contained in the lines.

Life is poetry.
Poetry is our life.

The days we live,
The lives we carry on
It's all symbolism and imagery,
It's all poetry.
My stab at national poetry day
Mar 2016 · 731
Dark Before the Morning
AB Mar 2016
It's called "Midnight Blue"
But it's 6am.
Dawn is coming, but it's marked by
Deep, almost disturbing, blue
Filling the sky around us.
The Stars lay hidden in it,
The moon falls asleep underneath it,
The day will break soon,
But for now, it's midnight blue.
Mornings are my favorite
Mar 2016 · 557
The Past
AB Mar 2016
It's hard to get over
The past.
It's just, really
But I'm trying.
I'm doing my best to forget it;
To forget you.
The past will always haunt me
Feb 2016 · 627
AB Feb 2016
You pitiable
What niaviety,
What simple ineptitude,
What casual disregard,
What blind optimism,
What egotistical faith,
To tempt the universe to stop you.
Feb 2016 · 498
In love,
AB Feb 2016
You break your own
Feb 2016 · 787
AB Feb 2016
The sun hides in this place
The grey clouds hamper it's light.

Here the stones rest,
Long straight rows, emblazoned with names.

A sergeant here, a corporal there.
The rank no longer matters.

In battle they were brothers,
In death their stones share space.

The snow crunches underfoot moving through
The mass, a solitary crow stands sentinel.

Ever watchful, ever present,
We mourn, we respect, we love.

Men and women, they gave their lives for us.
For our sons and daughters to know better
Visited Arlington recently and I was just awestruck by it. Tried to capture it's beauty and the reverence I have for that place in this poem
Feb 2016 · 562
AB Feb 2016
On your way out
Do not pout
Nay slow not tarry ye heathen
I've known long of your thievin.
Betrayed I was
By a boy of round eyes and peach fuzz.

Taken my prizes were
By a child with a leopard's purr.
Twas in night much as this
That his presence I did miss.
For gone was he
Out the window did he flee

The scoundrel, rapscallion, fool,
For Twas beneath the window, a frozen pool.
Through the ice did he go
And a scream did he throw.

Fore drowning did he
That one what stole from me.
My brother and I have been exchanging silly poems and this was one I came up with that I rather liked
Feb 2016 · 922
Blue Eyes
AB Feb 2016
A clear, endless, Mediterranean Sea;
A sun filled, vast, cloudless sky;
A brilliant, flawless diamond.

All these things, your eyes could be,
But they're not. They're your eyes.
Shining, wondering, flirting,
Blue eyes.

Looking at me, your eyes seem to shine.
Of all the things I love about you,
Your eyes I love the most.
Feb 2016 · 549
AB Feb 2016
Don't hate me.
I promise,
I tried to make this all better.

But you see,
My darling, I'm just a **** up.
I was never ready for this life.

Everything went wrong
And I couldn't handle it.
Please don't hate me.
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