Some days
I
hate
Who I am

About this?
This insane thing they call love.

I've been in love
Sure.
But do I know love?
Maybe.
All I want really is
To be happy.
And maybe I don't know that
Either.

I've lived every day
Faked a smile
Laughed falsely
Cried truly
And begged for forgiveness.

Honestly I'm pretty lost in
This thing we call life
But really what I know about life
Is as much as I know about love.

So then
what do I know about anything?

"Don't hide your eyes"
She said
Smiling at me.
Though I couldn't barely tell.
That smile was elusive.
The pursed lips were more common.
Not necessarily purposely done
Just a side affect
Of my brokenness.
She looked through the shards
And found the pieces to put
My life back together.

"Smile you handsome man"
Every day she said it.
Not as a way to cheer me up,
No, simply as a heartfelt way
To say "I love you"
In different terms
And it meant more.

"You know I love you"
She whispered it
When she thought I was sleeping.
But I was in that in between
The limbo
Of sleep and waking.
And I heard it.

And I knew

She meant every word
Because I loved her too

I love her still.
Isn't it wonderful?
To be in love?
Not as a way to show it off
But as a way to know
That you've found the right one.
That picks up the shards and makes
You're shattered heart whole again.

She's done that
And I have for her.
And we whisper those words.
And the dark gives them true life.
It hides our surface flaws.
It leaves only the words
And the love behind them

"Gonna marry that girl"
Are you?
"Marry her anyway"
Just for spite?

Do we think about these things?
About how it would be.
We'd all love that life
Married, 2 1/2 kids, white picket fence,
But is it attainable?

I think maybe it's not.
Maybe it's just one of those things.
It's better to dream about
Than to have.
Don't you know?
Life isn't that simple.

It's all ending and beginnings
But that's not anything we want.
We all want the forever
The always
But that's not real.

Real is ****** up.
Real is over and done.
Real is endings.
Real is tears and heartbreak.
Real is never what we dream of.

But there are high points.
There are smiles
There are joys
There are the in between moments.
There are high points.

There's love.
And that's what matters

Some nights I wish
For the dark to go on forever.
For the night to never end.
For this day to not become the next
but to simply stay as this one night.
This perfectly, quietly, peacefully, dark
Night.

Without you:
I wouldn't know when the tv is too loud.
I would know when the milk has gone bad.
I wouldn't know when I need a haircut.
I wouldn't remember doctors appointments.
I wouldn't know when I'm driving too fast.

You nag me a lot,
But I love you more because of it. And
Without you
I wouldn't know I am loved

Words are meaningless
When you've been hurt before.
When lies are what you've known,
Words don't hold the same weight.

I tell you the words you want to hear,
I think things that no one else should have
to think

Today I feel great
Today is another day I just don't want to do this
anymore

I'm living my life the way I want
I've made too many mistakes to ever get the
life that I want

She loves me
No one could love me
I'm just too broken

I'm doing better
Than I ever have
I don't see the difference,
I don't see myself

I matter
*To no one

This girl, this blue eyed girl.
She makes me smile when
I think I just can't.
When my world crumbles to pieces
She's there to help me pick them up.
When everything seems like heaven
She keeps me grounded.
If I had to use
Only three words for her:
Beautiful.
Amazing.
Perfect.
But words couldn't describe
The way she makes me feel.
How my heart still speeds up
When she smiles.
How my mind races
When she says "I love you". Words can't describe
Something that can only be felt.
It's been an amazing year @jenna_joensen
Here's to many, many, more

At night, the darkness is the worst.
Not the lack of light
The lack of courage in my soul.
My demons rush in
The monsters come out
The worst thoughts make me want to hide.
But I can't.
I don't get to run from the past
I don't get to hide from my mistakes.
I only get this night
And the morning that follows.

When the darkness closes in
And the monsters bare their fangs
I hope for you then.
I hope for your touch
For the smell of your hair
For the light in your blue eyes
For the whisper of your words
Of your love.

I hope for all those things.
My shields against the terror
My beacons in the darkness
My guiding light through the fog

I hope and wish for you
In the darkest night

I need you
That's how it is.
I need your smile
The way it is when you look at me.
As of I, somehow, am incapable
Of doing any wrong.
I need your kiss
Softly on my lips.

I

Need your eyes.
The bluest I've ever seen
A thousand worlds spin in the blue sea
And I'm the center of them.
This feeling
I need it

I

Need you whispering "I love you"
Because I know you mean it
Like no one ever has.
I know you mean those words
With every ounce of your being.
And that

That....

I've never had that.
Please don't ever leave me.
I know I'm no where near perfect.
But I love you so much.
Can that be enough?
My love for you.
To see us through
All the bad and good
Forever?

I need/want/have/desire/love you

You have to be strong.
Because me, I'm weak,
I've let them break me down.

You have to be wise.
Because me, I'm confused,
I've let them cloud my judgement.

You have to be loved.
Because me, I'm despised,
I've let them change who I am.

You have to be far from me.
Because me, I'm a sickness,
I've let them destroy the good in me.

I've let them turn me into something I
Don't recognize anymore.
I've become what they always wanted.

I want you to know me.
I want you to here me.
I want you to feel me.
I want you to love me.

But there's some things you should know....

It won't be easy.
It won't be simple.
It won't be every day that you find me perfect.
But hopefully
It will be worth it.

I think you should also know...

That I have hated myself
That I have wronged myself
That I have hurt myself
And if you hurt me
Then I won't be able to do this anymore
I won't have the heart to keep going.

But most of all....
No matter everything else...

You should know that I love you