Is it so bad that, this could be a movie?

i continue to update this page
to exclaim to something or someone
how i'm feeling,
whether it be about him, her or me...
depression, love or feeling happy...
sometimes i need an outlet.
without one, i can become tragic.

I look out the window
at all the snow on the ground
the American flag looks cold
It's below zero right now

Snow is piled up in heaps
from shoveling out our driveway
the night sky is dark like always
and the street is not currently visible.

I'm tired and
my eyes burn from posting
these poems on private,
so many I keep hidden
due to my dreaded
overthinking process.

Misunderstandings
can be such a threat.
Broken hearted girl
why'd you think like that?
Now your tears will overflow
"Life can be such overdose.."
You should shove it
all behind you, I suppose.
Stop wishing to fall into a
comatose.
Just hit your head already.
No one will miss you
you're too unsteady.

Panic attacks for me are shakey.
I start to think everyone's starring,
I wonder what they're thinking.
My resoloution is to get out.
Then the tears come pouring down.
As they do my body follows.
I sink to the ground and try to hide myself.
The sleeves of my jacket become soaked,
And then my heart feels like it'll explode.
Anxiety is a whole nother code.

I want to shove you out of my life.
You stabbed my heart with such a sharp knife.
So quit being ignorant. You're just a part of my past.
Someone who is indifferent to me, the feelings didn't last.
You may say you regret making such mistakes,
Just get over it, you were tricked,
He lied straight to your face.
Don't worry about it.
My heart was once split.
But he's fixed it.
You should move on too.

I'm tired of you haunting me.
If only you'd let me sleep.
Instead of the noises
and voices that are still unfamiliar...
I wish you'd remind me of his.
I'd rather be drowning in a sea I cannot drown in, that only leads to an endless abyss
than wake up in a panic, reminded of this.

I need to stop overthinking
and just pause for a moment,
...do something distracting
just become frozen.

I don't want him to worry about me.
I know I write rather depressing things.
I just let the words come out.
It's as if I'm grabbing chips from a bowl.

So just know that when you read my words,
At times I'm not as sad as they point towards.
You have to really strive to find the sadness,
Behind my own eyes.

Sometimes I don't see it myself; until I break down.
So, just know that you have nothing to worry about.
At least not right now.

My phone buzzes and I jump
sometimes out of excitement,
sometimes out of fear,
sometimes I don't move at all
due to being sad or feeling down,
the buzz ends up ignored.

When will I feel your arms around me again?
I'll wait forever even if you make my head spin,
You haven't yet, you fill me with bliss.
The room may be spinning,
but not from sadness.

You were the pomegranate nail polish
I wore yesterday but have wiped off today.
I'm ready for everything to finally change
without you I'll be rearranged; in a better
state of mind, with you I was wasting my time.

I can feel the pressure building
But I don't want to burst, I'm not ready.
I don't want to cry anymore,
so don't let me.
Just hold me,
tell me something, anything to help me
I don't want to shatter.
I'm so afraid of the backlash and chatter.
Don't walk away yet,
please don't go.
I'm so ******* tired of being alone.
That's all last year was,
and it's eaten at me enough.
I can feel the monsters teeth still,
gnawing into my heart.
It burns like nothing else.
I want to erase it all from the start.

I have problems.
I can't sleep at night and,
no one's really ever here for me.
Or at least it feels that way.

I mean, isn't that right? In the end it's just you.
Doesn't matter how many friends you tend to cling to,
Because the waves of reality are always shifting,
No matter what the tendency.
My parents ignore me,
and my friends avoid me,
Am I really the only one who feels this way?
It's as if I have to strain to sleep now a days.
Because so many problems stray in my mind,
I wish I could somehow change the time.

But that's not my choice,
I've been placed here inevitably,
The space I have to breathe intoxicates me.
I'm so sick of being here most days.

I dream rather often about running away.
My parents must be blind,
to not realise how stressful the way that act toward me can be.

I remember leaving the car and walking towards you...
My heart was pounding,
and my thoughts were blurry.
I have goosebumps remembering how I felt then and how I still feel now...
I'm ecstatic, you always solve my heart's quadratics.

You could find someone better, trust me I'm someone who hides their feelings beneath their sweaters I'm a distanced person who spaces out even in the moments that are most important. My anxiety keeps me from saying the things that I want to blurt out so badly but cannot because of the words that others will slap down on me. Trust me I'm not someone to stand beside. Toxicity engulfs me often I'm barely pushing through this sticky path that was created out of hate my anxiety is always entertained do you not understand the pain that these people have caused me to feel!?
Insane.
I always thought I was, because my thoughts often turned from happy to horrific once something bad had been said, well what did you expect?! For me to be perfectly happy afterwords and forgive you as if you had never meant the words that twisted and slurred around in my mind, ******* it's about time you learned your place bullying is not something that can be accepted so easily so stop doing it for ***** sake I cannot begin to describe the way I hated myself for so long! I'm damaged even now from back then and it's been so long! I know you don't give not one single ****. It's depressing really, how empty I had and have felt because of you..
Let me try to define this kind of pain for you since I know you'd never be able to handle the things that went through my mind after what you had caused me to feel. You see I have always been trapped inside of a shell, even when I was very young I was shy but you made it a point to deny it's all in my mind you said to me a billion times but did you know that I was dreaming of dying, drowning, suffocating, nearly injuring myself as the tears would fall down. I was a suicidal case thanks to the things people had forced me to endure you thought it was funny but would you still if you knew how violent I had become towards myself?!
Just try to imagine now, you have a child and will probably have more what will you say to them when they come rushing in through the door, their angering tears slapping down against the floorboards as if they were raindrops will you let them know you were not a victim!? I bet you will lie and tell them something to confide in I hope for their sake you do because if I knew that my parents caused others to feel such ways well ******* I bet I'd have went insane knowing I was living in the same house as a perpetrator. *How could you do that, mother!?

I let fear fog up my mind
My thoughts yell at me "I'm trying!"
While my actions show me
I want to let the light in

but I fall into darkness
all too often I hide away
and avoid the open blue sky
because the rainclouds distract my mind

the sky-blue sheet above me
only inspires every thought
I try to avoid to blow through
and bring rain from within

The sky is crying, just like me
The clouds keep screaming, out to me.
They boom and roar and bang against my roof,
I wish I could calm them down the way they made my stress and tears disappear.

I don't want to be without you anymore.
You were someone who evened out my scores.
I need you to stay by my side, no matter what.
Don't leave me alone tonight.

"I don't care if we're in some ****** *** apartment.
Laying on a worn out mattress."
With you, I don't have to hide.
I hate myself for taking so long to notice.

I'm sorry, the future wasn't my main focus.
But now I know I can make it.
But I only want to make it with you.
Don't say that we're through.

Take me with you.

I'm looking outside of my cardoor's window to see the lights of a city and I can't stop myself from wondering where exactly you are inside of yours, what you're doing and whether or not you're wondering the same things as me, and I think tonight it might rain, everything I see is gloomy like the inside of my brain, I just want you to hold me and hear you say you forgive me but you're so far away. I guess I'll just have to wait, it's too bad that March comes before June because that's when the rain will truly start.

Grab me by my wrist and so tightly; I want you to pull me back into your life don't shut me out again please don't make me beg for your attention I just want to be held in your deepest comprehension.
All I know is I love you too much to not act out when you say you're going away I cannot bare to watch your shoulders as you turn around and walk the other way- the way that's away from me. An opposite direction that is in more than one way heart breaking do I really not mean anything at all to you? Is it so easy to turn around as the tears fill up my eyes and start to slip from my eyelids, is it really that easy- for you to say goodbye..

*If you were to ever really scatter I would probably shatter, please don't say goodbye.. anytime soon.

I'm still ripping out my eye lashes
It makes me sad.
I lay and wonder about the woes I cast
and why I feel so bad.

Reflection is a tricky thing.
It can bring up so much, but is never-ending
Like the hyphen between never and ending
Reflection is a process that loops.

You can feel as if you're on top of the world
Once you've climbed out of a pit after reflecting...
only to fall into a ravine after taking a few steps outside instead of running.

The journey to healthy is a tough one.
I feel like I'm splashing in this gorge
Flapping and flailing around,
trying to escape and get warm

Overtime, I slow down more and more
until finally, I want to give up
Succumb to the bubbles...
and perhaps, never wash up.

I like to be reassured,
If I’m not I worry and stress.
so I try to tell you often,
about how you’re not like the rest.

It's burning my insides.
Turning around my life.
I'm crying now every night.
Denying that we're right.
Please tell me you need me tonight.
This ****** isn't leaving me anytime.

I don’t have many,
but if I could take some back,
I would never have gone to that party
and I would never have stopped writing back.

Late in the night these days,
when I think of what occurred back then,
how I said nothing about it,
I can’t help but cry.

The same reaction happens
when I remember how broken I felt inside
as I’d let myself get drunk and high.
Nearly every night for weeks.

The way I pushed you out,
the way I said goodbye,
the way I curled up in that room
and prayed to something that I’d die.

I didn’t like being sick.
I hated the emptiness.
The loneliness that consumed me.
I shouldn’t have reacted that way.

I just want to wake up tomorrow,
and forget these things.

I relive the day that you left,
Everytime I walk inside,
My heart cries.
Even though you're gone now,
I still think of you as my best friend.
Even if you don't remember,
All of the time that we spent together,
I do.

You've showed me
that I don't need to be afraid.
Not everyone is going to leave
and there's no reason to push them away.

Furiously caught up in you..
I see the sun rising from the East
and am notified that you're asleep
because you're on the other side of
the country, where the sun decides
to set each night; in the West
so you can't quite see the light yet
but I can and it taunts me because
it knows what I'm thinking-
I wish it wouldn't rise this morning
because if I can't see anything then
there's no way to be reminded of you
there's no light to shine through the
cracks and windows in my room to
wake me up and say:
"guess what.."
**No, just go away.

Under the gazebo,
you sang in silly cadence
while patting along on your lap
you smiled so happily.
You made my heart beat rapidly
and you still do, so easily
even now just remembering
my heart pounds without warning.
It yearns for the memories to repeat.
So often, I'll lay and reminisce,
even so my heart begs me to rewind,
I feel it crying for what's inside.

It's been so long
since a song
could make me cry.
my eyes were so dry,
For what feels like a long time.
My heart beats so fast
as this song escalates
and I hear it crash
It pulls me backwards
until I remember pain,
then twists me around
and reminds me
of when I could touch your face.

Why do I restart my life once a year?
Restrict myself from growing,
Whenever conflict appears
I'm not passionate about anything
Restarting is easier than keeping on.
Even though I just want to be done
I start over

I haven't been sleeping as easy as I usually do.

Tonight I turned into one of those couples that I would stare at when my family would take long road trips. Tonight, a dream of mine came true. Tonight I really loved, singing together in the car with you.

night time drugs are kicking in
i tried so hard to stay awake until the end
and now that the end has come
i am sad, i can't wait until your smiling face
will be so close to mine again.

There's something I desire
more than other things.
I can't stop this craving;
this longing to be free.

Maybe in another life, place, or time
bigger than you and me,
I'd be running through a flower field,
or exploring new cities.

Honestly I just want to run,
run far, far, away..
I wish I didn't care what they all say,
I'm sick of all this ****.
The tricks, and the gimmicks
Why cant I run away from it all?

Is it the rules I was given?
Or maybe the trauma I can't fix?
The way I start and always stop
just to get stuck in the midst?

The flashbacks that don't stop
or the drugs I just throw up,
I'm too scared to take the hint and
start to think "maybe I'm just not meant for this."

Even though I know,
I want to run so far away from here
and stop caring what they say.
I'm sick of all this ****.
The lies they make me say.
Why can't I just listen to my soul?

I hear her yelling deep inside,
telling me I should just go!
She says I can leave any time,
to where, I might not know.

I just can't fathom what might happen,
when I'm all on my own.
I'm scared it won't be worth it,
but what might happen if I don't go?

I'm tangled up in a mess,
the mess of life versus dreams.
It's a ribbon I'm afraid to untie,
because of this it'll always haunt me.

stupid girl is me.

My nephew notices nearly everything around
he says saaad cooorn! because the corn outside
has now turned brown.

He knows a few colors that consist of yellow, red,
purple and green.. he likes to read and sometimes he'll sing.

My little nephew is getting too big..
He's at the age just before monsters
are under his bed,
I don't want him to experience that yet.

But someday he just might, and that's okay
we all grow up eventually.