She’s on top of the world
But she’s up there all alone.
She’s a goddess disguised
But her feet can’t find the ground
Anymore.

If you
Read her face you’ll see
The seasons never show.
Not new,
It’s a makeup routine for the ages
And no, no nobody knows the way
She’ll change into stone.

I cannot decide
If I am totally numb
Or oblivious.

nothing but a scrap
of paper from a make-up catalog
saying,
“Real Flawless™”

but here i am,
unable to stop
thinking
about what it markets to me
what it asks of me
what it stipulates to be
true.

“Real Flawless”

modern day doublethink:
“my body is mine but
Yours
to look at and
Yours
to judge and so i shape it
to the eye that is
Yours—
i am proud though i make myself
small”

“Real Flawless”

mandatory affirmations, prayers more like,
repeat repeat repeat
how much i love myself even
as i consume comparisons
and then calculate the calories.

“Real Flawless”

the only reason
beauty is pain is
because it tears
us in two.

Like a quote that I cannot remember
Like a song stuck right in my head
A fire once, now it’s an ember
Ash pages of words that were said.

Like a waft that drifts out of the kitchen
Just a hint of the past, so sweet.
I have scars that I know were once stitches
But I only recall summer heat.

Like water, like sand, to hold in your hand
To cradle when it just slips away.
It was art, it was home, not written but shown,
Now crumbled, broken pieces of clay.

I miss it!
What was it?
I miss what I lost!
It was warm, it was cold, it was piercing and soft.
It was something, just something
I feel calling me back.

I’d go to it now if I hadn’t lost track.

I used to be able to
Sit at random tables
And introduce myself
Like it was nothing.

I used to have
Confidence.
Enough to stride
Into every situation
With optimism
And tenacity.

I’ve changed in many ways
Some good, some bad.
But this is one thing
I’d like to have back.

Almost too much, a cursed grail
A heavy stone rolling down a hill
Almost too much when I fell down
Almost too much when I hit the ground
Almost too much when the she-bird sang
A sorrowful song sodden with pain
Almost too much, too much when I failed
A heavy stone rolling down a hill

It’s blue sparkle
Strikes my eye
Glowing over the marble rock
Of the Universe
It’s so beautiful
It makes me cry
The light reflects
Off the surface of Time
Not wet
But still liquid
Liquid Time
I like the thought of that
Liquid Time
A waterfall
Falling
Falling
I want to stand under
The stream of Time and the Universe.

My dog
Can’t ever
Lay down properly.
He finds a spot
Only to leave it
And run in circles
Because nowhere ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I can’t ever
Love properly.
I find a person
Only to leave them
And run in circles
Because no one ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I see my life through plexiglass
Trying to bulletproof the past,
Nostalgia? No, but I recall
That rising up precedes the fall.
But the films I watch inside my mind
Are missing parts I cannot find
So I fill the blanks with what I see,
I fill it up with what I need.

Now is it truth, or is it lie?
I like to think that I am right,
But I’m not the well-oiled machine
I used to think I used to be.

I’m a tornado in a bottle but you
Grasp my glass cage and you
𝘚𝘏𝘈𝘒𝘌 𝘚𝘏𝘈𝘒𝘌 𝘚𝘏𝘈𝘒𝘌
You take me by the (bottle) neck and you
Toss me flying in the air and catch
Me again, flirting with death like life
Is a game, and I’m telling you—
I’m telling you—
𝘚𝘛𝘖𝘗 𝘐𝘛, 𝘚𝘛𝘖𝘗 𝘐𝘛, 𝘓𝘐𝘚𝘛𝘌𝘕—

shattered glass bloodstains
no tears but shock freezing the lines
on your face pick up the pieces
no don’t let it cut your fingers.
sorry. sorry.
sorry. sorry. sorry.

i wish i was a
better daughter
for you.
i wish i knew
what it would do
to you.
i wish i wasn’t
so afraid
and i wish i never
stayed
in that orphanage
where i barely left
my crib like a
cage.

i wish i grew up
before today
because now it is
much
too late.

The magical moment
When you wake up
But you’re still slightly sleeping.

The beautiful moment
When you are not worried
You are honest
You are content
Anger fear and hate
Seem to have never
Manifested in your mind.

You are a tree
You are a blade of grass
Blowing in the wind
You are the wind blowing.

You are...
serenity

Dear RhymeZone,
Thank you for existing
You help me find the rhyming words
That used to always be missing.

You’re pretty much my savior
Thesaurus.com, you too!
You make my works even greater
For my readers (you!)

Thanks to you I can concoct
Words that fit like a sock!
Never mind a glove,
These words are more, which I love!

Your callused hands
Warm me up
Like s’mores on the fire
Like some fries in the fryer

Your callused hands
Protect me
My insurance against humanity
My sword against insanity.

The loveliness in the sky reminds
me that these clouds do pass with time.
This morning, it was dewy and dark—
drearily doomish, sullen and stark
but now the sun’s rays bring out the gold
in every crevice, to banish the cold.

Got a
Weak mind
Weak heart
Weak fingers,
So I let it all
Slip right by
But still, sometimes
It lingers.

A porcelain doll
Shatters when she hits the floor
Only shards are left
So she mends herself again,
Again, again, and again.

Why do I dare to sing
this melody, overused and
claimed by millions of
others, with voices nearly
interchangeable but barely off,
imperceptibly so, just a dash
too much of cinnamon, not that
you’d ever know, but still
I steal these hand-me-down
words, chasing the horizon only
to retreat back to the
well-worn reef?

So much all the time
I give so much all the time
I just want it back.

i press the button, nothing, shake
it, nothing still, press and hold, nothing,
nothing but black screen, try again,
plug it in—where’s my plug?
no plug, no plug, it’s gone and
all that’s left is the darkness…how will
they know? how will they know i’m alive
and i care? how will they survive if I
cannot reply 24/7, 400 days a year? how will
they know i exist and i matter if i cannot remind
them, remind in a buzz and a banner,
remind them that i am still here? just a
few hours but in those few hours i will cease
to exist because i do not exist unless you
see me.

it’s the sound of a city if everyone died,
as empty as pity in pitiless eyes.

Between the words
Of a book
Is where the magic happens.

Between the words
The characters’ lives
Go way out of
The storyline.

Between the letters
A character
Is not slaying
The dragons
Or slumbering
For a century.

In the margins
The characters think
Outside of the plot,
And while the words
Of a book
Are magical,
between the words
Is the best part.

I don’t believe in the 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺
Of love, of teenage love.

But you do.

When I’m around you,
When I’m 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 to you,
All the doubts disappear.

But when it’s just me
I worry, 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚
That I’ll 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 you,
I’ll 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 you,
Because you thought
That we were made of steel.

You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that our chances are 𝘭𝘰𝘸
Of being high-school sweethearts
That make it to the other side.

You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that when I think of our 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦,
We part ways and come back again.
You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that I think steel melts
And then can be reforged.

I don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 if I want you to.

I feel so 𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘷𝘦 sometimes,
But I swear you’re even more 𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘷𝘦
Than me.

I want to protect you.

But I don’t believe in the 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺
Of love, of teenage love.

I don’t believe in 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺.

But I believe in 𝒖𝒔.

𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯

I strain to chase my own inspiration
But ev’ry day there’s only artifacts
From my past eras, this lonely creation
Takes every fleeting feeling like a fact.

I seek, I seek, but rarely do I find
The abstract answer I was looking for;
You’d think you can’t get lost inside your mind
But sometimes you don’t own the parts you store.

It truly is a pit without a bottom
To stare the depths that lie within your heart
Because we underestimate the *****’s
Ability to turn pain into art.

Although it may appear to be a void
A writer’s well of words can’t be destroyed.

i sit next to you
and we are silent and
i am scared but
you are more scared than
i am and when i
look at your eyes i
see a burning man
being stabbed from the
inside out and
i do not know what to say
because some things are
just not built for poems and
this is one of them.

i was messy crying but you
took me into your arms and
told me that you loved me
and that i would be okay.
i am far too scared to let you see
my tears, most of the time,
but sometimes they break free
and i color blue outside my lines.
i thought, somehow, you would leave
me to my tears, alone, but you
did not, and picked me up, brushed off
the dirt, and let the dam break.
it is not always like this, but today
you keep me safe.
the inside of my mind was as harsh
as any bleach, corrosive, acid,
so harsh it needed a warning sign,
so harsh that i could hardly survive,
but now it is quiet and warm and suddenly
i can breathe again when i thought that
the oxygen had run out.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

I know it’s after hours
But I’ve stared in the mirror
For hours
And I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

The problems fade away
When you face away from them
For a little while.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

When there is nowhere to go,
Nowhere to hide,
You will find
That your problems find you.

Many of times a day
I feel worn and wearied away.
Until I am reduced
And a pile of me-dust is produced.

I am being drawn and quartered
By each expectation pulling away,
Tugging at my fragile sense
Of identity (if there ever was one)
Until suddenly, oh no! So suddenly
I am in pieces, and each person has only
A part of myself, that is all I can give—
I gave myself the death sentence, they’re
Only the horses that tear away my
Skin.

As they bolt away, I wonder
How far they will go until they
Realize
That I am no longer Whole.

I sit here sinking
Into the dirt,
Without feeling because I am on
The precipice of numbness,
A mere step away from screaming.

As I breathe out, you breathe in.
As I breathe in, you exhale
And I watch as the breeze
Sweeps past me,
Tickling my face and
Ruffling my hair like
A loving father.
You’ve watched me grow
Watched as I cried and you thundered
A cacophony of sobbing
And shared rivulets
Of trickling water.
You’ve watched as my heart
Grew colder while winter
Crept in like a chill burrows
Inside your bones.
Skeletal trees littered the streets.
But then,
But then you watched my eyes light up
In wonder of the snow drifting
Down, a gentle blanket resting
On the dead like a peaceful burial.
A solemn rest.
And when the sun held
On to the day like a lover
Reluctant to let go.
When the buds grew again
And the world woke up
From its enchanted sleep,
You watched me, you watched
As I stretched my arms
To meet the sky.
You watched me stand
Just tall enough
To graze the clouds.

Summer
The height of the year
Tank tops
And short-shorts the only thing worn.
Melting heat
A breeze!
Pure bliss.

Fall
The heat cools
And sweaters and jeans
Emerge from the closet.
Sweet coolness fills the air.
It’s a bit chilly today.

Winter
The coolness grows colder
You see your breath
Billowing out of your mouth.
Brrrrrr!
You put on a few more layers.

Spring
Brings flowers
And beauty
And bees
And allergies.
I guess they balance each other out.

I believe in destiny, not fate
Because our lives are steered
By the choices we make
Left or right, right or wrong
Our choices, not fate, make us strong
And yet, a certain destination
Is the best-case situation
Left or right, right or wrong
Or any path we walk along.

I collapsed, the ground gave way
The earth, it trembled and it quaked
I thought that I would tear asunder
Ripped by each blight, botch, and blunder.
Could I ever overcome?
Not alone, no, not alone.
The world screamed until I was numb—
Like them, I thought I was alone.
When hardship comes and runs its course
When I am bashed by every force
When I feel sullied and abhorred—
Christ says, “You are not alone”.

I really wish
I was 23
Because then
I’d finally be free
Not really
I’d be pinned down
By worries
College degrees
Apartment fees
Anxiety
Oh wait
I have that already

But still
It’d be better
Or so it seems
Than being a kid.

A noisy impatient fly
Humming by my ear like the fluorescent light overhead
Near imperceptible, but in the silence, grating
As it sung out, buzz, buzz, buzz, out of itself,
Always droning, never a pause in the incessant
Static.

And you, O my soul, where you sit,
Trapped in a cocoon of web, never quite alone
But immovably stagnant, perhaps once learning, chasing, dancing, Seeking that elusive something,
Till exhausted by the endless journey, only ever wishing
For a home
That you never found, but barely existing you continue, O my soul.

If only I didn’t care!
I could float through life unaware
I could spend my hours on practical things
Without wasting time, pursuing the truth.

If only I didn’t care!
I could ignore the annoyances, anger
Would be a far-off imagining.
The world would be gentler, muted
Peaceful, calm, and placid.

If only I didn’t care!
I could lose the bright contrasts and
Colors and flaws that make me
Who I am.
Ah, perfection always
Looks the same, no?

If only I didn’t care!
It would all be so easy.
It would all be so easy and
Dull.

Decay, degenerate
Rot in hell from all this hate
Lessen, languish, lower, regress
Back to when I was a mess
Sink, slide, undermine
I don’t think I was ever fine
Fade, fail, fall apart
I wasn’t “okay” from the start.

I want to erase the fingerprints
I leave on your days, weeks, and years,
To drain through the gaps
In your floorboards,
To float through life,
Unable to embrace but
Too incorporeal to be slapped.

I need to

go.

The mantis shrimp
Sees all that I never could.
My creator, ever frugal,
Gave me gifts
Of word and tongue
But only just this once,
Bits of light cowed by the sun.

I peer through the window,
Too short to see those
Violet peaks.

I brush past reality
Like the eyelash fluttering past
My cheek,
Never to really know.

I’m not here
All the way so I
𝑷𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒉 my skin
Between my nails to
Try and 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 something but it’s
Like 𝒌𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 a stone and
𝑾𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 if the rock 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔.

Is the only thing
That is easy in life.

Sleep
Cradles you like a baby
And whispers sweet dreams in your ear
Making you forget
The cruelties of the world.

Sometimes I wish
I could stay asleep
All of the time.

Who doesn’t?

D̳o you
E̳ver just
A̳ccidentally
D̳issociate so
E̳verything
Y̳ou see
E̳scapes
S̳ight?

Who would want to be a leader
In this world full of tricks
Where problems keep arising
Enough to make you sick

Who would want to be a leader
In a globe that slowly melts
Burned up from global warming
And the heat you’ll face if you fail

Who would want the power
That everyone knows corrupts
When everything you do
Will never be enough

Who would want to be the person
Everyone depends on
To make the hardest decisions
You must be stone strong

Who would want to be a leader
When you sacrifice yourself?
The most human part of you
Compassion, put on a shelf
To be forgotten.

𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘳𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘶𝘴.
It always works,
Doesn’t it?

But beware
When you cross that line
And nobody knows
What is true anymore.

The bandwagon
Sure is prone
To crashing.

the rain
hit the window
glad that
in the safety
of my home
the cold, wet drops
don’t reach me.

If I had to choose,
If I had to win or go lose
I know it wouldn’t be long
Before I chose…wrong.

Victory, it would be mine,
I’d triumph in every fight
Each goal, each plan
All in my hands—
I’d rise to the greatest of heights.

And yet, a price there would be
Trading wisdom and progress for ease,
In your tears and your scrapes
You’d grow stronger each day—
In motion, while I sit idly.

I crave affirmation
I live off of praise
Why do I need this?
Is it my fate?
“You just want attention!”
That’s what I’ve been told again and again…

Maybe they’re right.
Maybe they’re not.
Maybe I just can’t be alone with my thoughts.

It snaps in
With a sigh
Of relief.
Seems like
My mind was missing
A few puzzle pieces.

But you,
You fit right in.

My heart took me places
My head could never go.