Expectations leads to disappointment
You said, “You could’ve done better.”
I know.
But you must know:
I can’t be everything you want.
I make mistakes too.
I hate how your expectations change
From person to person.
I just plain hate your expectations.
YOU NEVER GIVE ME A BREAK.
You give the breaks to my sister.
Why can’t I,
Just for once,
Be the one whose mistakes
Are okay.
The one
Who is proficient
Enough for you.
But you dwell on my errors.
YOU START YELLING.
You say I’m not trying hard enough.
Why should I?
I’LL NEVER MAKE YOU HAPPY ANYWAY.

People say
That you’ll just know
What you want
You will have a gut feeling
A vision
An intuition.

And I do have a gut feeling
I feel like I have been punched in the gut.

123
What the heck is wrong with me?
456
Why can’t my problems just be fixed?
789
All of this seems like a sign
101112
That I should just stop,
And think outside of my own self.

A million stars in the sky
A million hopes of mine.

A million people passing by
A million people who are kind.

A million hearts beating for one person
A million brains battling emotions.

A million people
Yet only one
Can be you.

A million hearts
But only one
Is yours.

A million loved ones
But only one
You love.

A million lives
But you can only
Control yours.

A million stars in the sky
More than one
Lighting your path.

Do you know
What happens
When two stars
Collide?
They either
Turn into
A gargantuan
Mother star
Or a black hole
******* the life and light
Out of all that dares
To exist.

Do you know
What happens
When two people collide?
They either
Turn into a wonderful
Sun that gives life
To all that dares
To exist
Or it flushes
Away the light
Of both people
And reduces both
To heartbreak.

As I write this poem,
Barrelling toward me are
College applications and
Dual enrollment classes.
Everybody dreads it but
For most of my life, I anticipated
Going to school with the
Hectic excitement that comes from
Imagination only a child can have.
Just like every year since
Kindergarten, I seriously
Lack confidence in
My ability to do what I
Need to do in order to
Overachieve as expected, but unlike
Previous years, I
Quiver with exhaustion earned by
Regurgitating information about
Systems that I will never
Truly need, but am tested on.
Useless, useless, useless,
Very, so very useless is how
We feel now, both the lessons and I.
Xanthan complexion, nauseous, nervous,
Yellow like the school buses I want to
Zap away, but climb aboard anyway.

How far
Would a person go
For money
For power
For fame?

What would
A person do
Just for selfish gain?

Was the human race
Ever innocent and pure
Will we ever know,
Ever know for sure?

Would we all do so?
If we were put through the strain?
Would we all do so
If we were faced by the temptation?
Or would we stay grounded
Rooted in our determination?

Are we all tainted
By that bit of greed?
Or are we all strong enough
To not do the deed?

Sun, shining so, so bright
A warm light after the night.
Forever bathe me in your rays
And keep me in your steady gaze.

The loveliness in the sky reminds
me that these clouds do pass with time.
This morning, it was dewy and dark—
drearily doomish, sullen and stark
but now the sun’s rays bring out the gold
in every crevice, to banish the cold.

A porcelain doll
Shatters when she hits the floor
Only shards are left
So she mends herself again,
Again, again, and again.

Is not real
Humans made it up.

Or is it?
Is it a river that flows through the universe?

My human mind
Cannot fathom
The banks
Or the shore
Or the current of it.

My human mind still thinks
Humans made time up.

I collapsed, the ground gave way
The earth, it trembled and it quaked
I thought that I would tear asunder
Ripped by each blight, botch, and blunder.
Could I ever overcome?
Not alone, no, not alone.
The world screamed until I was numb—
Like them, I thought I was alone.
When hardship comes and runs its course
When I am bashed by every force
When I feel sullied and abhorred—
Christ says, “You are not alone”.

If only I didn’t care!
I could float through life unaware
I could spend my hours on practical things
Without wasting time, pursuing the truth.

If only I didn’t care!
I could ignore the annoyances, anger
Would be a far-off imagining.
The world would be gentler, muted
Peaceful, calm, and placid.

If only I didn’t care!
I could lose the bright contrasts and
Colors and flaws that make me
Who I am.
Ah, perfection always
Looks the same, no?

If only I didn’t care!
It would all be so easy.
It would all be so easy and
Dull.

There is a lightbulb
In my brain
That is cracked
Not working
And is barely not shattering.

There is an idea factory
In my brain
That is shut down
Rusted
And barely standing up.

I am out of ideas
My brain is not working
My mind has become catatonic.

My ideas have called sick
My good words have taken a day off
And my rhyme quit its job.

My rythym is on vacation
My inspiration failed the interview,
And my structure decided to collapse.

I don’t know what to write
So I write nothing
Unless nothing turns into something
And my sick tree bears fruit.

H hope
U understanding
M meaning
A anxiety
N niceness

What makes humans
Human
Is emotion
Is kindness
Is the things
Held in our hearts

Top 3 types of people who probably need a therapist

1. Poets

Have you seen the poems here?! Most are about pain, cutting, depression, suicide, ex’s, breakups, feeling too much, and so much more. Most of us probably need a visit to the loony bin!

2. Musicians

Again, y’all feel as much as an elephant weighs, which is a lot! This means you feel lots of sadness, fear, and anger. Also, all good songs are about an artists emotional angst. So, yeah.

3. Artists
No one can beautifully paint, sculpt, and draw naked people stabbing  each other and still be sane. And also, what’s bad for the heart, is good for art. Art is filled with sadness, fear, and anger.

So, my point is, we’re all insane. Including me. See you at the wacky shack!

Terribly
Terribly hot
“…No way…”
“…today was really…”
“..every day…”
“…she’s been acting so…”
The conversations
Blend and babble
Around me like
A brook and the bird-calls
In the mountain green
The leather seat
Sticks to my skin like glue
I bobble and bounce and I
ACK! Gosh **** turns!

I am sunshine
I am rain

I am heart
And I am brain

Contradictions are my essence
I can assure you
None of them make sense.

Why do we look up into a stormy sky
Stare out into the grey because we could not see the light
Hope is a fragile thing, how is it not broken yet?
The walls are closing in, feels like we’re breathing our last breath
What do we do? Who will we save? This land of the free and the brave
Is sinking into fiery waters of all of the lives that we gave
Defeat us not, we won’t despair
We keep on going, we don’t know where
Sacrifice, hope, human resilience
We are pressing on with purpose
That’s our human brilliance
Search on, search on, search on
What is it we will find?
An ember of hope burning
Whose flame will never die.

Your voices sing their song
This moment feels so right it’s wrong
Or maybe just surprising
I can feel it rising
That emotion:

Feeling that I belong.

I just realized
We kind of get stupider
As we grow up.

For example:
5 year old: doesn’t care what mean people say.
10: starts to care
15: is obsessed

But we also kind of get smarter
5: no patience
10: no patience
15: no patience
20: no patience
25: no patience
30: patience
89: a crazy amount of patience

Humans are weird like that

PRETTY LIES CANNOT DISGUISE
THE EMPTINESS BEHIND YOUR EYES
YOU LOVE TO TALK AND HATE TO THINK
WHY DO I EVEN TRY TO SPEAK?
YOUR EYES ARE CLOSED
YOUR EARS ARE CLOSED
YOUR MIND IS CLOSED
YOUR MOUTH WIDE OPEN
UNLIKE THIS FLOW
OF INK TO NOTE
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW
THE HEARTS YOU’VE BROKEN.

I submerge myself
In the unreal.
I breathe it in
Pretending it’s air.

It fills my nose
My mouth
My lungs.
Too lost in ecstasy
To know I’m drowning.

And when I break
The surface
It sends pins and needles
Through my brain.

So I sink back
Slowly, just slowly
Letting it envelop me
The descent, a deadly comfort.

You walk past me
Catching my eye with your ice blue discs
Time at your control and you stop it
You look me in the eye and
You see right through me
Electrocuting my heart
Burning through me like a lightning bolt
All with a single
Blue-eyed glance.

The shadows
Creep up.

My bed will keep me safe.
I hold the comforter close.

The starlight  
Chases away the shadows.

Thank the stars!

The little girl and her Mama are sitting on their sofa by the fire.
As her Ma closes their storybook, the little girl Amara asks her Mama,
“What is a reason?”
The story they were reading was about a boy
That boy was always searching for a reason to live.
A reason is your purpose, what keeps you alive.
The little boy lost his.
He spent his entire life looking for his reason.
One day, he ran into another boy.
This other boy was also looking for his reason.
They played and talked and laughed together.
They grew up together.
The little boy thought the other boy was his reason.
That is, until a small child was delivered at their doorstep.
The little child became their reason.
Soon the child grew up, and had kids of their own.
A little granddaughter was born, and she became the boys’ reason.
The boys grew old, loving and holding and caring for all
Their reasons.
They died, in each other’s arms, thankful for their reasons.

In reply to the little girl’s query, her Mama spoke,
“A reason to live is your reason to love.”
The little girl was content with this answer, and smiled back, sweet as a spoonful of sugar, saying, “Then you’re my reason.”
Her Mama held her little girl close, and said, “You’re my reason too.”

Everyone is pretty rare
In their own special way.

You will find NO ONE
exactly like me
And I will find NO ONE
like you either.

Our personalities
cannot be copied
and pasted.
God didn’t make it that way.

Why do some people still try
To be like another?

We all have our faults
No one is perfect
But that does not mean
We must shape ourselves to be like others.

We must shape ourselves to be BETTER
not perfect
not someone else
Just BETTER.

A tree still grows
Without being another tree.
We can be better
Without being someone else.

Because it’s ok
To be a better person
In your own way.

It’s ok to be rare.

The future
Looks back on me
As if
Daring me
To catch up.

If I had to choose,
If I had to win or go lose
I know it wouldn’t be long
Before I chose…wrong.

Victory, it would be mine,
I’d triumph in every fight
Each goal, each plan
All in my hands—
I’d rise to the greatest of heights.

And yet, a price there would be
Trading wisdom and progress for ease,
In your tears and your scrapes
You’d grow stronger each day—
In motion, while I sit idly.

Running
Running
Running
Out of Time.

I am losing the marathon
I am falling behind

Running
Running
Running
Suddenly caught
At the end of my line,
Too slow! I’m out of Time!

The mantis shrimp
Sees all that I never could.
My creator, ever frugal,
Gave me gifts
Of word and tongue
But only just this once,
Bits of light cowed by the sun.

I peer through the window,
Too short to see those
Violet peaks.

I brush past reality
Like the eyelash fluttering past
My cheek,
Never to really know.

We got the same heart
Beating the same blood
Into the same veins.

We got the same dreams
The same goals
And the same feelings.

We got the same anger
And the same sadness
All from the same fear.

What’s the difference
Between you and me?
Color of skin?
Sexuality?
What does that mean to you?
It means absolutely nothing to me.

I’m in a soundproof room.
So are you.
I beat the walls
And scream
And cry
But you don’t hear me.
I can feel that
You’re shouting for me too.
I’m sorry I can’t save you.

Everything is fun and games
Until someone gets hurt.

It’s such a shame
That some people
Get their fun and games
From people getting hurt.

Pain
Is not
A game.

Hardship made the lines in her face deeper.
Cries echo as she stares bleakness in the face.
It is strength, but the kind of strength
That was worn down and beaten up.

She is the remains of a forest fire.

She is the mountain cliffside that still stands
Once the stones come crashing down.

There is no hope in the land where she lives.
There is, however, hope in her.

She must go on.

Again and always, she must go on.

I soar from the earth
Into the atmosphere
Flying past the moon
Waving at Mars
Landing on an asteroid.

I marvel at the blackness
And sheer volume of the space
Around me and all the
Stunning planets around me.

I speed past Jupiter
Fly around Saturn’s rings
I go past Uranus and Neptune
Into the Kuiper belt.

I’m over here spending twelve stupid years
Becoming a parrot who repeats what she hears
It’s not for the learning, it is for the grade
So I turn off my brain seven hours a day.

I’m wasting, I’m wasting, I’m wasting my time
Even that phrase is a waste of a line
And I’m sick of all of these definitions
Pressing on in, getting marked in red pen—

What am I doing here?
You convinced me there’s answers for everything,
Unvarying, black-and-white lettering,
Supposedly bettering, more like you’re fettering
Me like a prisoner, mental inhibitor
Wish you were valuable, you little swindler,
I’ll play your game, ‘cause that’s all that it is,
A paper to frame, that is all that I get
But if I’m wasting away at this desk,
Forced in the system, then I’ll be the best.

I’m bad at it.

You may
Grow to be taller
Much taller than others.

Don’t look down on them
They might grow taller than you
With time.

Remember when you were
A little tree
And those around you
Towered above you.

Remember how you got there
Pushing yourself up
Not pulling others down.

In the end
You will fall down
Like everyone else.

Make your life
A legend
Not an example
Of what not to do.

My eyes
Flick open
I look through the window
By my bed.

The sun
So many colors
Blinding
Yet so beautiful.

The pinks
And the oranges
The yellows
And the reds.

The shades
Of those colors
Give me hope
Motivate me
To be my own beginning
Like those colors
Beginning  a day.

I will always fall
I cannot truthfully say
I am on the right path
I know for sure
I cannot turn around now
I refuse to believe that
There is still hope
If the coyote still howls
I am done for
Only at the world’s end will I believe
That I may be enough at last
Indeed, I think now
I am already past the edge
Indeed, it is untrue that
A kernel of hope can grow in this soil

why does this ink look like a bloodstain?
it sings like writing on the wall.
it stings like the mirror i shattered
and the darkness i spilled and i splattered.

why does this page allow its face
to be struck, scarred, mangled, and marked?
these words tear themselves apart at the seams
eviscerate themselves to understand what they mean.

why does this poet stretch her jaw ‘til it breaks
just to show the world what’s inside?
she should hide. she should hide!
but the price of her pride
is to endlessly, manically 𝒎𝒂𝒌𝒆.

a woman
holding a sign
saying:
please help
need money.

she might be fake
but what if she’s not?
does it really matter?

On a voyage quite far
I said to he
A solemn and silent elegy
Of times long past
When I was a child
Exulting in small things
Innocent and mild
Alas, but those days
are long gone
My anchor broke
My keel did yawn
As wide as the rack
That chased me so
When I was flung
So far from home
Tread on water, I did,
I swam and sank
A voyage I took
Until I saw seabank
That home that I thought
I knew as my own hand
But the home that I sought
Was no more than the sand
And now I shall sing
A solemn silent elegy
To childhood missing
Lost to a vicious sea.

Maybe
If I write happy things
It’ll leak onto me...

I look up
At the sky.
The stars
Wink at me.

It grows darker
And more stars appear
Until
The blackness
Blanketing the Earth
Is covered in shining dots.

I wonder
How long it took
For the starlight
To get here?

The past is the past
It is behind me
But I still can’t help
But look back occasionally.

People think way to much.
If only
We could think like animals
Life would be half as hard.

Animals don’t overthink
Overdo
Overworry
Animals are,
in a way,
A lot more smarter than humans.