Crazy, crazy, crazy.
It is tiring trying to tackle this Q stuff,
From a first person perspective.
All this far out quasi side-history,
Drenched in hate of every kind.
Divisive as all hell,
A kind of game within itself
To distance us from each other more
Rather than bring us close.
Together we stand, divided we fall
In on ourselves as like
A house of cards

I've never had the privilege to be
the main character
never enough for a leading role

always bleeding plain red
instead of magic

I am less than the sum of my parts,
I am glue,
Holding things together is what I do,
Always in the background I stay unseen,
Always in the places inbetween.

I am less than the sum of my parts,
I am glue,
Without me there wouldn't be any you,
Always in the dark but staying strong,
Always, I've been there all along

“What’s your name again?”
He asks me.
“Have we met before?”
He asks me.
Yes we’ve met.
I remember the first time I saw you up close.
I was too scared to look into your eyes so I just looked at your hands.
I could’ve looked at them all day.
They were beautiful.
Not in a soft and polished kinda way,
but a strong and rough way.
It’s like they told stories of your manhood and all I wanted to do was put them up to my face and listen to what they had to say.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
I guess you were all business.
Filming for your job and I was just a prop.
A nameless
plain
unimportant
prop.
You had to edit over an hour of footage with me in the background.
Twirling the ribbon in my Bible scared that if I looked up I would just stare at you.
You had to type my name.
First and last.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
I thought of us before even laying eyes on you.
I remember the first time I saw your face.
We’ve only been going to church together for three months now.
I’ve only been staring at you every Sunday for three months now.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
Your profile popped up on my Facebook and I thought it was fate.
I wasn’t looking for your profile.
I didn’t even know your name yet.
I lost sleep because of you.
It wouldn’t surprise me if I said your name in my sleep.
I checked your socials like an old man checks the morning paper.
But you ask me…
“What’s your name?”
Don’t worry about my name,
if you don’t know it now you will never learn it.
If you wanted to remember my name you would have.
So don’t waste my time with asking me now.
“WHAT’S YOUR NAME?”
My name is worthless
unlovable
invisible.
But I don’t say any of this out loud.
I tell you my name while I feel my heart tighten.
My name is…
But once I tell you my name you repeat it like it’s a question.
It’s like a song I want to play on repeat until I get sick of it.
I want to hear you say my name over and over and over again.
But you won’t.
You have another girl’s name to say.
While you forget mine,
I remember yours like a bad song I wish I never heard.
A song that’s so bad it’s good.
What’s my name…
Maybe my name isn’t worth remembering.

She's scratching.
Unresting and ruthless.
She's crackling and creaking.
Background.
She's sneaking up from behind and bares her teeth.
A horrible grin.

She's ripping my head wide open to grub her ugly nest.

She's
Dipping my eyes in fog.
Stuffing my ears with mud.
Filling my mouth with silence.

She's building her cursed nest.
She's cocooning herself in.

You can't see her.
Yet she's still there lurking.

She's waiting for the right moment.

Then
She will fill your eyes with tears
She will fill your mouth with lies.
She will fill your heart with pain.

She's waiting.

Just because you are a good person, people will not treat you better.
They will treat you as they please
They will not consider your feelings, they will stomp on them
They will stomp on them every time.
You are a background character  in every one elses lives.
They will not notice if your gone, so you dissapear
And you will dissapear, cause if there is one thing you know
It is this: Loneliness has killed more people than cancer
And you are now awaiting your destiny.
You just hope that it will come soon
Then perhaps you wont become invisible before it arrives.
Then perhaps it will not only be you're mother there at you're funeral, then perhaps your name will appear in the papers, speaking of the tragedy that was your death.
But you sit still, knowing what is supposed to happen, knowing that there is no other way.
And you stand up, you look in the mirror, in hope that something has changed, that there is another way. You stare and stare, but you see nothing except the scars on your body and in your mind
Nothing but your crooked teeth and the failure that is reflected in your eyes.  
And at last, nothing. you stare and see yourself dissapear in the mirror until you are invisible and there is nothing but the noose around your neck.

ten minutes ago
i was talking to a woman
whose background i'm
aware of

this woman was pretty and she looked
at me with ****** interest

however: i moved my left arm in
a way that is related to my background as
a fatherless boy

rejection in her eyes the consequence

BUT:

i will never stop to move my arms as i learned moving them
–– precisely this way –– in my childhood

nobody –– male female animal or object –– is able to change this:
i do not need anybody trying.

feel me. that's how i am.

self-acceptance. self-love. courage.