We never know how fast we're dying
We never know how hard we're crying
You never know how when I lie awake
I think of things that make me quake
We never know how tired father time is
We never know when mother nature's time ends
We never know anything
We never know who someone truly is

I may be young, but I know what ******* is
I know what it looks like
I know what it sounds like
And I know what it smells like

I wish I could drink my pain away(alcohol)
I wish I could inhale the happiness by smoking this plant (marijuana)
I wish I had a bottle of pills to **** all my pain(painkillers)
I wish I could let you rock my world till it's insane(Amazing *** ~)
I wish I knew who to blame
I keep wishing for the same thing
I thought if I wished and hoped hard enough the pain could just go away(I tried I tried to make it go away)
But honestly everyone should be wishing for a reason for me to stay

I wonder if anyone will actually see me. The real me. The serious me. The weird me. The rude me. The nice me. The me that everyone says that's beautiful apparently. I wonder if anyone will see through that fake me thing I use everyday. The fake me where I don't know what to say, the one that's always quiet because of what she thinks inside, the one that never really shares her opinions or feelings to the world when she wishes she could,  the one that hides because of the fear of being judged.
I wonder if anyone saw through my fake me. But I'm sure no one did. Otherwise I probably wouldn't hate me.

I don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't know I exist
I don't want to be in love with someone who can't love me
*But mostly,
I don't want to be in love with someone who will use me like air, treat me like nothing, and throw me away like trash

History's repeating itself
In a lot of different ways

I wonder how many times I have to say
*That I'm not you, okay?

It's no real smile,
but it's better than a real frown

I don't care if I die a ******
*I just wish I could meet my true love so that something will make me not want to die

Happily ever afters
They are fake story endings for me
Why not put the truth in it?
Cause in life there are never any happily ever afters
Even in my dreams there are never any happy endings
Life is no different
Life is a gamble
Where worse can get worse
Or better can get better
But most of the time
Worse gets worse
And better can't get better
*Life moves on even when you're dead

One moment
One day
Just give me a reason
To ******* away

What if hell isn't below earth?
What if it's below heaven?
Ō-Ō

I watch and listen to you sing just to feel the harmony and see the feelings on your face when you sing

There are things that are forbidden
The small black box in the darkest corner of my mind is forbidden
Things, bad things are in that box
It's locked
And it must be for good reason
There could be a thousand lifetimes my soul has lived in that box
Or it could be old memories best forgotten
I don't know, and I may never know
All I know it that that box is forbidden
And I don't have the key
I don't know where it is or where to begin to look for it
*And my feelings tell me that the key is just as forbidden too

When will it ever end?
When will he stop ****** his sister?
When will he stop molesting his daughter?
When will she stop beating her son?
When will she stop talking down on her daughter?
When will the killing sprees end?
When will  all the unnecessary pain go away?
When will her boyfriend stop beating her half to death?
When will our stories be told?
When will we stop the killing sprees?
When will we ever see what is wrong with the big picture?
We keep what we don't want in the shadows and in the cellar
Nothing can be fixed if it's in the dark
It can only be fixed once brought to the light
And the light heals
While the darkness kills

I feel like last place
Where you only get a thin paper metal
I feel forgotten and unloved
I feel useless and unattractive
I feel worthless
*And I am only remembered if someone needs help on the computer at home or if someone wants to copy my class/homework at school

One last time let me see you smile
One last time let me hear your voice and feel the warmth of your hug
One last time just one last time let me believe you'll never leave
That you actually love me
That you never meant to ever hurt me
One last time just look at me and don't say a thing
*Just one last time say goodbye and mean it

Two roads
One a neverendding cycle
The other leads to a dead end
I'm lost
And this map isn't making sense
My crying isn't helping
Neither is the rain
Why does a broken heart bring about so much pain?
Which road do I take?
Should I turn around?
Is this just a mistake?
No
Turning around is just worse
**** it
I'll take the dead end
The tears are still falling
But I am now smiling
Life is but a road that ends
I just want to have fun before it says "DEAD END"

Burned with the evil fire of deceit and betrayal
Fallen angel tears spilt to put it out
Blood running down your body
Stitches that the cuts made
The scars they left behind show your shame
All that's left of your heart is the blackened ashes the fire left
All that's left of your body is the stitches and scars
All that's left of your ego is the shadow of your newfound shame
Blackened heart
Shadowed shame
Broken ego
And your body a reminder
*The ashes blew away and your blackened heart never healed back to a loving red...

Whoever knew breaking someone else's heart hurt so bad?
I didn't
I wish I had
I would have prepared myself
And yet
I still couldn't cry, can't cry now either
Not a single tear drop shed
What does that say about me?
Is there something wrong with me?
I don't know
I never knew
I never knew how it felt to break someone else's heart
*But I never thought that breaking someone's heart would hurt me too

Wake me up before I die
Slap my face before I lie
When will you ever see
I could never be what you want me to be
Look through your own eyes
Seek through your dead lies
Say your last goodbyes
When you wake me before I die
And for the very last time tell me that you love me as I sigh my last breath of life

Love is not a sin
So why is being gay a sin?
Why is being lesbian a sin?
Why is being anything other than heterosexual a sin?
Love is not a sin
So why do we treat gay guys holding hands like a disease?
Why do we treat transexuals like they shouldn't exist?
Why do we treat people badly just because they chose to be who they are?
Love is not a sin
Do I have to say this again?!?
LOVE IS NOT A SIN
Being yourself is not a sin
Do you really want to know what's really a sin?
Pretending to be what you're not
That is the real sin

The reasons why I broke up with you
I always felt so lonely and alone when we were together (even more than when I was single)
We dated for eight months and you only talked to me a handful of times
You were always busy (I know people get busy, but for months at a time?"
You were never there when I wanted you, or needed you
I know that you love me(I love you too)
I was just tired of feeling alone, lonely, and unwanted
You have to ******* count my feelings too!
It hurt me to hurt you
It hurt me more than I thought it would
*In fact I did not think that it would hurt me at all

You left me feeling bare naked even when I was clothed
The look you gave me
The instant connected feelings left me feeling halved when you looked away
It left me bare naked
And I felt the draft you left behind
The feeling was so strong it made me want to cover up everything
I could see he saw my whole story
And I saw his too
We left each other bare
We left each other chilled and afraid of being vulnerable
And we had only walked past each other on the subway

I cannot explain why I have this pain
In my heart and in my soul
I cannot let go
I can't let go that you're not here anymore
I can't let go that you will never be back
That I'll never hear your voice again
That I'll never be forced into those sort of bear hugs you liked to give me (even though you knew that I hated hugs)
That I'll never hear the funny laugh you had (when you really truly laughed)
Now you're a million miles away
I don't know if you're alive, married to some girl in Vegas
I don't know if you're dying on a corner of some street I don't know of
I don't know where you are, what you are doing, who and what you have left behind, dead or alive
I don't know
I just know you left me and never looked back or sent a letter
I grieve your death just the same
When you left you basically died
You killed your image in me
An image never fading
I still hate hugs even though I miss yours
I still miss your voice and laughter, but you're gone now
And you promised to never come back
*It looks like you're keeping your promise rather well

You're so broken you're on your knees
You're alive but not living
If I could I'd bring you back to life
And that's a promise and definitely a lie to be told

You are your own resurrection
I cannot help you at all
If you fall I will try to catch you
But how can I catch you, if you are only a phantom of what was?
You'd slip right through my fingers like grains of sand in an hour glass
Just like you did with my trust
It slipped right through your phantom fingers

How did I ever think you were real?
I should have known those whispered words were nothing but wasted air and time
I could have sung songs of whispered broken hearts instead of listening to the nothing that is you
So from now on I will sing of phantoms, phantoms like you
The ones that use souls up and tell lies and break people's trust
*I wish I knew just what you were from the start
But how could I when I was blind from seeing right through you from the heart?

How are you doing?
Me?
Well if I told you the truth you'd be ready to leave
You, sorry I haven't called
But you never would have answered anyway
You, yeah you
Why don't you call me for once?
Or did I just ignore your number because of its unfamiliarity?
Hm
You should call more often so that I can know it
Send me letters so that I may know your words

Well maybe
Maybe you shouldn't do these things
It'll only make me miss you more
And it'll just make you want to push or run away from me

It's hard to see the good when you're only shown the bad

Corrupted thoughts and dreams turns whispers into screams
But reality
Oh how reality turns screams into whispers that corrupt and drain
Drain innocence left behind
Uses every bit of breath to corrupt good hearts, good minds, good starts
Screams to whispers
Whispers to screams
Corrupts our hearts
Corrupts our subconscious and dreams

I'm afraid of myself because of what I might do
I am afraid of myself because of what I can't have
I am afraid of how I will do
And how I will do it too
*I am afraid of everything
I just won't let you see

Life's a terrible nightmare
A terrible dream
That keeps on going
Going till you leave
Death is your wakening for the real thing
*Death is the truth the moment you die, the moment you leave

Dying and breaking
Left in the desert sand
Left to bleed out and die for the vultures
No one
No savior
Is coming
Breath comes fast and dry
Is this what it feels like to be forsaken?
Left so alone that there is no one, no savior?
At least I'm good for one thing
Food
Food for the vultures
Thoughts of my old suicide attempts come to mind again
Maybe this is my time. Please please let it be.
My body I want to forsake
My heartbeat I want to escape
Eyes slowly drifting closed
Forsake forsake forsake my body
Leave it for the vultures that eat forsaken and deception any and everyday

I don't even matter anymore
So why can't I walk out that door
Why can't I just give up without failing to do what I set out to do
*I don't matter to myself
So I don't matter no more

Love me till I'm gone and my blood is spilt
Love me till I'm no longer breathing and our time is jilt
Love me even when my soul travels to where it be
*Love me
Love me while I'm still here
And I will love you too

When I'm gone you'll never know
You'll only feel what is in my soul

Just tell me why
Tell me why you cry?
"Because of the pain."
Just tell me why
Tell me why you can't cry?
"Cause this pain isn't enough to let it all out."
Just tell me why
Tell me why depression is addicting?
"Cause it's the only pain that they'll allow me."
Just tell me why
Tell me why you can't be happy?
"Cause I don't know how to, and I'm afraid."
*Just tell me why
Tell me why
Tell me why

Don't judge my outer shell
Don't judge the marks or scars on my skin
Don't judge the look in my eyes as you spit the words of sin
Don't sear your judgements in my brain
Yeah ok, you think I'm insane
I hope you know that this inner pain does it
The pain you cause and from many others
So don't judge the tears that stream down my face
Sad angels cry the most
An angel as sad as I deserves to let these tears fall
So don't judge my outer shell
Don't judge it at all
Don't say I'm mental and insane
You don't know what has happened to me or what I've been through
So don't judge my outer shell
Till you've looked within me
Maybe then you'd see why I'm like this
Maybe then this will shatter your killing spree

When we meet
I want to look beautiful
When we meet I want it to be perfect
When we meet
I want to stay up all night watching movies and talk all night, and I want to fall asleep in your arms
When we meet
I want to fall in love all over again
When we meet I'm hoping to be more confident
*When we meet
I'm hoping I will come alive again
I'm hoping I'll be all you want and need

What are words without meaning?
What are emotions without feeling?
Why were we created?
I know there's a meaning
I know there's a reason (for there's a reason for each every season)
Was god just lonely and wanted blind praise and love?
I should create my own earth, my own world
But it would be better
I would explain everything instead of ordering for something with on reason or explanation
My own world where I'm leader (I'm not god, that's too heavy a burden)
and I make it equal and balanced

I realized the only place I was looking for beauty was in the mirror
I looked in my heart and saw I was ugly there too
I saw something just as bad in my heart
**A mirror...

I find that everyday's dull and grey
And I'm left to rediscover it on my own
I wake up to see the same display that I can't get rid of
I've come to see that one day everything dies
I've come to see that everyone lies
i've come to see that people just survive, and try to love to stay alive
Some just try to stay together and not fall a part
Nothing matters
Everything matters
With so little time
With so little space
Everything matters
And yet
Nothing does
Nothing matters to me but writing
Being mortal, having achievements does matter
Cause after you're dead those are the things you're remembered for
Being immortal, you have all the time in the world
up until the world ends that is (which isn't that far away in my belief)

But I am mortal
I want to be a writer to show people my age and younger that language is beautiful and is still alive
And to keep it alive!!

I may find that one day people will be too far gone and I may be in heaven or hell
*I am forsaken

I don't know what to write
When you're in pain and crying
I don't know the right notes
To sing the right words for you
And I don't have the right notes
To play for you to rid your pain and suffering

When I don't know what to write
When I don't know what what notes to sing of play it's always you who's there

I can't write anything when you come to mind
You make my writers block show
You make my singing voice speechless
You make my notes sound flat and lifeless
I don't know what to write, sing, or play to make you feel beautiful
I can't sketch away your feelings
I don't know what to write
I don't know what to sing
I don't know what to play
to comfort you
But I can be there
*I can hold you when you're crying and in pain
I will try to say the right words
do the right right things

I need something new
A change of scenery
I need a good change,
and live my dreams in reality
I need new feelings
New body
New concepts
Sometimes I get them
Sometimes I just remember what I already knew
New things rarely happen
And I'm just tired of the same things
I feel like everyday's the same and I'm left to discover on my own
I feel like everything is grey and there's no color to behold
I need something new
And I've waited 16, almost 17 years
My whole life
And the only new thing that has happened is my body and mind
*Which I don't like

I wish I had a life's moments eraser
To erase all the bad moments from others memories
But I would like to keep them in mine
They give me humility
They give me the charm and qualities I have now

I wish I were beautiful
So that I could not be so nervous when I talk to people

I wish I were a better writer
So that I could be famous for it

I wish I were a better vocalist and that I were musically talented
I can sing already I just want to be better

But I'm the exact opposite
I can't erase my bad moments
I'm not beautiful
And I'm an alright writer, I'm just not the best of them
I can sing good, but I'm just not great

*But I wish most of all to be able to have children someday

If I don't belong why am I here?
I don't belong
So tell me
Tell me why I am here
But everyone doesn't see it
They don't see that I don't belong
My quietness hides it
The way of my denyness
The way of my self lies it's...
It's self hatred, self harm
Why did I lie when I stood naked in front of a mirror and said out loud and in my head five times that I am beautiful?
I didn't believe one bit of every silable in that word
Not for myself
"Beautiful."
This is a lie I could never take in
Never believe in
Never see even if others try showing me
Imperfections Imperfections
I don't want to be perfect
I want to be someone else
Someone who's more than me
I want less and I want more
I want less of me and more of someone else
If only I was more
If I was more I could do better
Could be better
Only
Only I'm stuck with this
This unbeautiful me
An unbeautiful creature than everyone and no one sees
*I am part of everyone and I am part of no one

One moment
One day
You will look into the eyes of the one that's meant to be
And it will feel like in that moment that you know everything about the one
That one moment
That one day
Feels like it'll never happen
But when it does
*It will hit your heart hard and it will leave a gapping ache behind that will always be there forever

One more thing
Before the day ends
I must tell you what reigns in my heart and mind
But that one more thing never happens
I am too afraid that you'll leave once you know
I'm too afraid once I say it you won't want to know
One more thing never happens
It never escapes my mouth
It always stays trapped in my heart **everyday

I wish I could say it out loud
I wish I could say it and be proud
I wish I could say it without shame
I wish I could make it sound lame
I wish I could say it and make some fame
But no
My feelings are to blame
They are the culprit
I can't say it out loud
I can't say it and be proud
I can't say it without shame
I can't make it sound lame
I can't say it and make some fame

*I can't stay here anymore
I just want to close that ******* door
And walk away from this kid called life
I hope to end it with knife

Drip drip
I'm lying in bed
It's freezing cold
With only a thin blanket to cover me

Drip drip
There's a window right beside me
The sun is rising
I can feel the light on my skin, but it gives me no warmth

Drip drip
I'm me
Then I'm my other me

Drip drip
I am so cold I no longer shiver
My lips are blue
My skin pale white porcelain
My body is stiff
Can't move

Drip drip
The heat from my body leaves me with every exhale

Drip...drip
I can't feel my body

Drip....drip
My eyelids close slowly
I'm sleepy

Drip.....drip
Am I dead?
Cause I can't feel a thing

Drip......drip
I can still hear the water dripping

Drip.......drip
I can't feel myself breathing

*Thump Thump Thump
Cold death's door is waiting
I hear no dripping
I hear it no more

One more day
One more chance
Say the word and we'll have this dance