Again
You hurt each other again
You hurt yourselves again
You loved each other so much you hurt each other with it
Again
It all happens again
He still loves you
He'd do anything for you
See how sad he is?
Yeah
I see it too
It rips both of you apart being friends and even more so apart
Again
Again
Again
Again
Why be together?
Why be friends again?
Why be apart again?
Something this self destructive can never be forgotten
Can never be undone or erased
Again
Again
Again
Again
This all happens again
The self destructive bomb of two broken hearts
One trying to move on
One trying to hold on
But both never enddingly hurting each other
Every second
Of everyday
This all happens
*Again
And again
And again

I have visited it in my mind, but not in my body
Imagined nature and it's smells
*A doe and her fawn walking just as the noon sun was setting
I,
Sitting, watching, waiting, writing
The birds twitter the music of their language
The soul soothed by the beauty of nature
Everything in it calming and healing to the soul
They don't have unnecessary violence that man has
They instead
Live with a food chain that nature has agreed upon and bestowed upon them to keep its balance
And I,
Sitting, watching, waiting, writing
Am letting my soul rest and have the wind, the smells, and the music cleanse a corner of my dark soul
And bring drop of light in it

When lamination slowly starts to creep
We weep
We seek
To release
We're meek
Helpless
Sleep sleeplessly
Terrible dreams
We seek what they mean
Froze
Stuck
In our lamination
Paralyzed in our dreams
Rainbows and unicorns were not in them
And if they were they were what led me to these nightmares
Nightmares when I try to run
Try to scream
Try not to stare at the rising sun
My lips blue
lying on the beach
Skin pale and sand smeared lips
Eyes unblinking
almost vacant, but not quite

There's still life!
My body rarely barely breathing
So still that it's eerie
My brown eyes almost vacant and unmoving
I know I'm there
I can hear the ocean
I can feel the morning breeze brushing my sand covered face and the strands of my hair
The problem is that it isn't me
There's no way I'm this beautiful or pale
Yes, I'm almost dying
But she's not me
Her skin is a white porcelain
Her eyes are the only thing of mine that's hers
Her hair brown
Her figure slim yet curvy
I'm in her body
I remembered
My body changed
But not my soul
This is me
The opposite of me
In a parallel universe who almost succeeded in what I did
*My soul was showing me what my other me did too

Maybe one day I'll see me the way you see me
Beautiful, smart, talented, extraordinary, and weird
"The good kind of weird" you always say, "That's what you are. Nice, smart,talented, sweet, beautiful, shy, and weird. The good kind of weird."

Wonder why I'm here
Am I here again?
Why can't I leave,
Just like the wind?

I ponder
I wonder
The streets of my mind
The heat of what's mine
If you have ever lied
If I will ever cry
Nope nope
Just something to think about on the streets of my mind
If you ever plan to walk down my roads
Just know,
They have no direction
So you will never be lost
You will never be found
*In the streets of my mind
On the roads of what was mine

Rain water soaks me
You undress me
You dry my body with your lips
You hold my hips with your finger tips
Your touch burns my body with original sin
You look at me and ask "Are you ready?"
I look back "Yes." I say, "Don't ask again."
Our hips now connected
We both gasp and sigh
as our connected hips move together
The looks on our faces after we're done
The looks of sighs and pleasure
My head fits perfectly in the hallow between your neck and shoulder
Our eyes flutter closed and what we did is repeated in our dreams to relive again...

Life let me go
There's nothing to hold onto
Nothing
Cut my string
   give the rest to someone who deserves it
End my life line Life
Life, friend, you're holding onto nothing, just like someone who holds onto the love that is no longer there
If there's nothing to hang onto you're falling
Life let me go
There's nothing, nothing good what's so ever by holding on to me
But if there is I don't know it
So tell me
Tell me if there is
I know there's nothing
No one wants to know my story
My story is not worth your two cents

*Life loves everyone and when it's time death falls in love with you too. And life may miss you while death has given you his kisses, but after a while, you may fade away from life's memory.

Tear stained face
Blood shot eyes
Blood stained arms and legs

Destroying yourself is so easy it hurts

Hands are too slippery for the razor you try to hold
Blood turns brown as it dries
Trying to clean up the bathroom floor and sink so it's not so obvious
Nothing works
The razor can only make it better as it eats into your skin

*My legs are dangling off the edge, stomach full of pills that didn't work again.
Gone too far, yeah I'm gone again. It's gone on too long, I'll tell you how it ends. I'm sitting on the edge with my two best friends. One's a bottle of pills and one's a bottle of gin. My frienemy's behind me, and his name is sin.

The moon gave up her light to the sun and that's why the moon isn't fully lit. The sun shown his light on the moon cause of what she did for him and he loves her for it, he dies every single night to show his everlasting love for her. She comes to life at night to help people like she live, and she shows the spot light the sun has given her.

The sun loved the moon so much he died every night to let her breathe

Sitting on the bathroom floor with a gun in your hand
Knees pulled up to your chest
Your head rests on your knees
Your shoulders shaking cause you're laughing and crying
Gun to the side of your head
"Are you gonna do it?"
Find the sweet release when the bullet leaves the barrel of the gun and enters your brain

Click

The gun's empty
I am not dying
The gun's unloaded
I do this every time
Never strong enough to take the bullet
And never strong enough to let anyone see me like this
Always weak enough to be messed up like this
*Always thinking, always wishing I put a bullet in

Rain water soaks me
You undress me
You dry my body with your lips
You hold my hips with just your finger tips
Your touch send shivers up and down my body
Your touch burns me
You look at me, "Are you ready?"
I look back, " Yes."
Our hips now connected
We both gasp and sigh
as our connected hips move together
The looks on our faces after we're done
The looks and sighs of pleasure
My head fits perfectly in the hallow between your neck and shoulder
*Our eyes flutter closed and what we did was repeated in our dreams

"Life won't let you go,
and death won't take me..."

Rain water soaks us
Runny mascara, but you still think I'm beautiful
Lips so soft
Lips so sweet
We're pressed up against each other
Bare chest to bare chest
You on top
Me on bottom
Hips locked in place with the other
Warm soft sweet lips slowly caressing my body, my lips and my neck you **** on
Soft gentle hands caress my ******* thoughtfully
Finally, her lips reach my thighs, I, trembling with lust and fear
I was scared and she knew it
Her hands and lips touched me
*So softly, so gently

Why can't I dream for one night
Without seeing someone's after life

Why can't I dream for one night
Without seeing someone's future in my mind

Why can't I dream for one night
Without knowing what I dream

Why can't I dream for one night
Where what I dream ~even the nightmares ~ is better than my reality

Why can't I dream for one night
*And and never wake from it again

Just breathe
If you can't do anything else
Just breathe
Even if I have to do it for you
Just breathe

I mean a lot to people, but I don't mean a lot to me....

People online say I'm fine

Is it fine that I am depressed?
Is it fine I hate myself?
Is it fine that I hate every, and I mean everything about myself?
Is it fine that I'm suicidal?

No
I don't think it is
Whether or not it's my fault I'm not sure

But I'm not fine
I'm not beautiful
Not in my opinion

I support gay people
I am also pansexual
Won't you do the day of silence too?

I'm fat
I'm ugly
I just can't seem to do anything right
Why can't I look like her?
Why can't I get a guy or girl like him or her?
Why can't I be interesting?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be normal?
Whatever that is
Will I ever be happy?

I want someone around, but I want to be alone at the same time
I want to cuddle up with someone, but I don't want to be touched

Why do I hate being touched?

It's weird
Touching someone
It feels weird
Especially when they touch me
I get aggravated when someone does that
      even angry sometimes

But then I think: who would love a girl who hates herself? How can anyone love a girl who hates herself?
Who would want a girl when she doesn't even want herself? How could they?

They can't

I don't know how to to love myself when all I've done was hate myself
I don't know how to accept myself when all I've been doing was trying to reject it

*How do you change yourself to look beautiful in your own eyes?

Who am I?
What am I?
I am a girl who can't ever be defined by few words

How do you define something you have never come across?
How do you define what you have came across, but don't know how to describe correctly?
And you can only describe it in a few words
The words aren't enough
It's a part of what I am
But not who I am
How do I define myself so I can fix myself?

Everyone is a mystery to themselves
I know what I do or don't like and what my intentions are
I'm sure everyone else does

But who am I?
What is my essence?

I thought I defined myself before
But those are only words that could change at any moment

I am still those words
But
I think there's more to me than just those few words

Who am I I ask
I say *I am myself

There's always two mystery people in my house

Somebody and nobody

Somebody did it and nobody knows who

I wonder why
           You mystery people you
Live in my house everyday

It's gotten worse

I feel like I literally can't breath
My heart feels like it's trying to come out of my chest
I try to move, but every time I try to move it pulls on my heart strings in a bad way
Every time I try to breathe my heart feels like it's closer to escaping me and pushes at my ribcage violently
And it feels like someone is pressing down on my chest
Making the feeling worse

I've tried waking up
I've tried screaming
I've tried moving
But it hurts to even try to do anything
I can't fight
I can't move
I cannot do anything

Am I so messed up that I even get tortured in my sleep?

I haven't slept good enough in a while
These last for hours of the night

It feels like they're trying to **** me in my dreams
These nightmares
I'm always close to dying in them
I'm frozen in it
Never able to get out until I'm almost dead
And when it ends
I get back to my normal dreams
*Which I think is better

"I can't take it anymore" I said
"I hear the voices, I hear them scream"
"What voices?" he said
"There aren't any voices. Only you and I are here."
I look up
"The voices are too much for me." I said

Next thing I know I'm in an asylum
"What are the voices saying?" they ask
"They're saying everything." I whisper
Then they scream and I fall to my knees and scream with them
The screaming voices are my silent screams

I hate this **** we call life
I wish I could give up
I wish I could cry
When I just want to die

I wish I knew what to do
I wish I had a clue
But I'm clueless
I'm the most clueless person out here
I don't know what to do

Do I cry or do I deny?
I deny everything
But I can't anymore

I'm growing up
I don't want to grow up
I'm not ready
And I didn't think I ever would be
That's why I tried to take my own life
That's only part of the reason
Everything else is what makes it worse
The pressure
The expectations
The stress
The everything
Becoming an adult
Everything
I'm scared
I'm tired of it
My time to be an adult is almost near
Why can't I be a kid again where I didn't remember or cared about these things?
Sometimes I feel numb or overwhelmed with it all
I just wanted it to end
Why can't you take me?
Why won't you let me die god?
I've tried to hang on, but I'm tired of hanging
Just take me
End my life and bring me to you
Why do you let us hurt when you could end our pain?
You know we hurt
And we'll seek solace in anything to make it better
Even death
I tried seeking solace in death time and time again
Why can't you let me die?
I'm not good for anything but taking up space and time
Why can't you
Please tell me why can't you

I find you so scary and amusing
I'm scared to experience you
And I find how amusing it is that people are controlled by you
I'm scared of falling for someone
Someone who's going to break my heart to pieces
I'm scared of hurting more than I already do
You're amusing
Cause I don't think you can touch me
And if you do I can escape easily
I know it's not true
That you can't touch me and I can run away from you without you catching up to me or coming back
I'm not clever nor cunning enough to do that
I never want you to touch me
That's maybe why I hate being touched and touching other people
Or feel you
But I will

You're scary and amusing
So light and heavy
And you help fix and break hearts
People who use you breaks hearts
People who are broken sometimes get fixed by you
Saved by you
I find you scary and amusing
*And for a good reason too

Slash my heart
And hope to die
I pray to god
My soul you keep
Keep it safe
Keep it locked away inside your heart

I pray to the souls that know me to be happy without me
Do not mourn my death
You'll be with me yet
I may not die now
But my time will come
Naturally or by choice
*I pray to god my soul you keep

I read all of our old messages
They make a bitter smile come to my face
They make a bitter laugh come out my mouth
I am glad you at least told me the truth

However,
The truth you told me makes me feel worst
And for some reason it makes me smile

How does that make me smile?
It made me laugh too

I really must be as pitiful and as messed up as you said I was

And Ne'coe said it too

I still find it amusing

He had a girlfriend who was a harlot
And he was a church boy
She cheated on him loads of times
He knew it, but was blinded and deaf by his love for her

Mirruh,
I don't know much about you
Maybe that's one of the reasons why we weren't ever friends
Sometimes I catch myself regretting not being good enough for you
But you knew me well
You told me how you felt about me
It almost crushed my heart at the time
But I reread those messages and laugh at how I want to cry
How I want to make you feel what I felt that day
I'm still holding on to what was lost when it was never found
I sometimes catch myself being that same pitiful way
The way you told me I was
I hate myself even more now
I hate being this way
I keep holding on
I don't know how to let go
How do I let go what I still want?
I got one of the things I wanted
It was what I denied
That I was pitiful
And I am messed up
I got her and Ne'coe to admit it the hard way
I set myself up for it
I'm glad you said it
Cause now there's no way for me to deny it
Cause you admitted it too

I think you're beautiful
Your curvy body
The body I want to touch so gently
You hate your curves
The curves I love so much

I love your face
Even with all the blemishes
Your face is so beautiful
But you hate your face because of the blemishes

I love your **** and hips
Because they're a part of you
You hate them, but I don't know why
Sometimes I wish I could hug and kiss you so much that you wouldn't hate yourself anymore

Where you hate yourself I love
Where you love yourself I love even more

I see your beauty
Why can't you?

I guess I am the beholder of your beauty

You are the beauty in my eye of the beholder

I could make the most amazing thing in the world
And not know it
Not let anyone see it cause I think it's terrible
I could be very beautiful
But I hate my face as well as my weight and body
I could be anything I wanted
But I think I'll fail at everything so I never try
I could be a lot of things
But I am one thing
A writer and a poet
And if you don't mind me by asking,
What could you be?

I'd rather be rude by staying silent
Than be rude by saying something

I'd rather be rude by telling the truth
Than to be rude by telling lies

I'd rather be rude by not giving you a hug
Than to be rude by punching you in the face

I'd rather be rude by cutting conversations with you
Than to be rude by telling what I really feel about you

I'd rather give out tight politeness
Than to be loosely rude

I'd rather be this,
don't you agree uncle?

One two three four on the floor
Open up the ******* door
If you don't you'll surely die
We'll mourn your death until death cries
When death weeps we'll be on our knees
We'll cry out and our voice will be full of glee

One two three four in the sky
Now open up and don't be shy
Now write your heart out till I bleed
You'll never hear my silent screams

One two three four five six seven
When the clock strikes one you'll surely be savage
Now don't be scared to show your scars
I have them too if you've looked in my eyes

One two three four on the floor
Open up the ******* door
If you don't you'll surely die
We'll mourn your death until death cries

One two three four I'm insane
Cause this song is stuck inside my brain
I made it up just today
And now I'm going mad cause I can't think
Lets hurry up and take a drink

Hmm hm hm hm hm hm hmmmmm
Hmm hm hm hm hm hm hmmmmm
Hmm hm hm hm hm hm hmmmmm....

I'll feel the same anyway
There's no changing it
I said I'd be polite
That's the best I can do
And I'll tell the truth

You think I'm ******* rude??!
COME SEE ME!
Not your ******* mom and dad
You are a grown *** man
You're my uncle
I didn't go to my mom about this
I came to you!
This **** was between me and you
Not my grandmother or grandfather
If you had a problem with me, don"t go to someone else about it
COME SEE ME!

i don't give a **** if you're mad
****,
Talk to me about it and I'll tell you the ******* truth
I'll be straight up with you

I wasn't being rude when I told you I didn't like you
I gave you obvious hints that I didn't like you
Then I finally tell you, and you're ******* mad?

HA!

I didn't realize you'd be so **** childish
You ran to your parents about this
I didn't run to my mom about this
You said to her you got a ******* rude daughter

If you've got something to say to me, ******* say it to my face where I can hear it
Not behind my back
To everyone that's not me
You made the business between you and me everybody in the family business
But
I knew you'd do this
I ******* knew

How trivial

I know the truth stings
someone once gave me the truth
And it stung like hell

Now I'm dishing it out, and I feel better doing it
Now I know how chyna felt when she told me the truth
But at least she came straight to me about it just like I went straight to him about it

I hate people like that
You'll tell them straight up how you feel about them, but they'll go to someone else about how they feel about it, about you

People need to break the politeness and cut to the chase
If you don't like someone please tell them after confirming that you don't like them
Stop being fake
At least I'm trying to be real
And sometimes I'm scared to be real and honest with someone, because people absolutely hate seeing the truth sometimes

But be honest
Be real

That's what I'm trying to be instead of some fake wanna-be

The words of me...

My mind is blank, and I keep thinking *what are the words of me?

Some here has called me beautiful, worthy, expressive
But I feel ugly, unworthy, miserable, and meek

What are the words of me?

I'm silent on the outside, silently loud on the inside
Always am I sad, my soul cries and lets out silent screams

What are the words of me?
I find it a mystery.
Why am I a mystery of myself?
Am I still figuring the paradox that is me?
I think so
It's like
I'm still learning my soul and the hieroglyphics that is my heart
Both are foreign to me
Something I've barley discovered

What are the words of me?
I'm still confused, like I never really knew, or maybe have yet to discover it

What are the words of me?
Well here it is.
The words of me are the foreign language of my heart and soul
Each and every poem I wrote and will write explains the words of me
Little by little
My poems are the words of me and more

Those are the words of me
And they're worth a billion and more pictures

You don't get that I don't like you
I gave you hints that were obvious

You called me childish
How the **** am I childish?!
I said I didn't feel like talking
And you call me childish over that??!!

Yes I'm rude to you
Only because you annoy me in a way I can't explain
Everything you do annoys me
I tolerate you at best
I try to be polite, but I just can't help but feel angry or frustrated when I'm around you

I unfriended and blocked you on Facebook!
That should of told you I don't like you
If I don't want to be friends with you on Facebook what makes you think I would want to be your friend in real life?

Yes I know of you, but I don't know you and I don't plan to
Yes I know why you went to jail
Cause you killed someone
And yes I don't care
Don't give a ****

I honestly don't get why you never got that impression
Yet, you have a conversation with me about the way I've been acting towards you
You talked, and I sort of listened
You told me about being in jail (which I don't care about)
You told me that you don't take disrespect in any way, shape, or form ( And I'm just thinking shut the **** up please)
Yet, you didn't
You talked the whole car ride (which was the longest fifteen minutes of my life)

You're my uncle yes, but I don't have to like you
You were never there (And I understand why)
And when I first met you I knew, oh how I ******* knew I wouldn't like you
I knew even before we formally met that I wouldn't like you
We talked on the phone twice before we met
I knew then, and I know now that I don't like you
If you demand respect, then fine
I'll be polite as I can, and make fast to cut every conversation you try to have with me
I know I'm being a bit harsh, but I simply don't CARE
I'll try to be as polite and nice and I'll try to be as straightforward as I can
And maybe soon you'll get the impression I've been giving off
Or maybe I'll just tell you
I don't plan on changing how I feel about you
Though you might try to change it
But the best I can do is tolerate you, and be as polite and as nice as I can

Being alone and being lonely are two different things
Feeling alone or feeling lonely are two different things too
Alone, meaning no one is around
Feeling alone means there's people all around, but in you mind, heart, and soul you're all alone inside
Lonely, meaning you're single and searching
Feeling lonely means you're always alone, no matter the place or people

Alone
Or
Lonely?

I am both

I feel alone and I am alone
I feel lonely and I am lonely
My soul is cold and empty
But my body is warm and full
My body is heavy
And my spirit heavier
My mind the storm and my heart the war

Will it ever end?

The overcrowding loneliness and the loud silence that comes with it
Or the feeling that I'm alone

I cry
I mourn
But what am I crying for?
What am I mourning?
Am I crying for death to take me?
So that he can warm my soul and unburden my spirit?

Am I mourning the life I'm living?
Am I mourning the future I think I'll have?
Am I mourning that death doesn't want me, or that he doesn't love me the way I love him?
Am I crying and mourning the deep thirst I have for him?

I think I am
And I'm not sure if I'll ever get over him, or stop wanting him
He was my only solace except writing
He was the only thing I thought I could control
But I don't
He controls it
He decides whether to push me away or to bring me closer

This burden I carry
It breaks me a little each time I feel I should die
Why haven't I died? I think
I should be dead. Someone else who deserves to live should have the rest of my years.
I always think this
Then I think of others
The pain ebbs, but still flows much more greatly later, when I'm thinking too much, feeling too much
Am I alone or lonely?
I think I'm both
And as I said in one of my last poems: Am I trash or golden?
I'm not sure
Am I trash because I'm too broken, or am I golden because I'm broken in a beautiful way?

A whisper
So faint
So near
It came right up next to my ear
It said come with me, I need to show you something
What do you have to show me? I ask

I stood at the edge
It was a dark beautiful waterfall

I was so amazed
come near. it whispered

I came closer
closer it said

I came so near that my ear almost touched the water
Then I noticed there was no sound of the waterfall

It whispered
A sound so faint and small
But what it said was loud
My worst nightmares and my darkest thoughts that were forcefully unfinished, they were whispered in my ear
Word for word I could not stop listening
It whispered welcome to immortality

That is my whisper of darkness

The river of lies
They're filled with tears
The tears of hearts lied to
If only mankind hadn't have existed, or were just honest
This river wouldn't be there
*And it wouldn't be the most hated or used

Trust
"Trust in me" they say
"I would never hurt you" they say
Truth is
You can never trust them
Trust no one
Not even yourself
They say "sometimes you hurt yourself more than others do"
I think they're right
Cause you always risk yourself when you trust someone
So you hurt yourself just as much as they hurt you
So trust no one
Not even yourself
Cause you're part of the reason that you got hurt
*they are the reason too

Time can never mend
What was once worthless
What is still worthless
I know they say "one mans trash is another mans treasure"
Not always true
Most men want the same thing
They just want treasure, not the trash
None of them want what's broken
That's why I'm worthless
Not a treasure, yet not trash either
I guess I'm both, yet, neither at the same time
Sometimes I'm this or sometimes I'm that
Dull or shiny, hot or cold, empty or full of thoughts of everything
I'm not a treasure
I'm not a trash
I guess I'm the chest that contains either the trash or treasure
Time will tell
Time will tell but not mend
And someone will have the key
To the treasure or the trash I carry
And they will tell me whether I'm golden or a throw in
But until then
I'm locked
The small chest in my heart locked
I had the key, but someone else has it
And I've never met 'em nor seen them
I had the key when I was a baby, but my guardian angel gave mine away to my true love and she gave me my true love's key
I've kept it in my heart ever since
And he or she has mine
weather they know it or not
And hopefully I won't be afraid anymore
And hopefully they won't either

Empty
Dark
Full of regrets
Full of imperfections and mistakes
Shame
Shame at being who I am
Full but empty
Empty yet dark
Void of all my emotions
The black hole that ***** them in then spits them out at the most inconvenient time
Void empty unforgiving black hole
I'm enchanted by you
I hate you, but can't ever forget you
You're my drug and I'm hooked on you
Addicted to you
You've never gone away no matter how hard I've tried
I'm not sure if I want you to
Cause happiness seems so fake like plastic or people
Happiness feels great, but it feels so fake compared to you
You're real
I know you
You make hating myself feel good, you make it feel right
But it's not right and I know it
But I love the way you do it
How you make self hate and loneliness feel so addicting, so good
How you make the constant mental pain and heart ache  feel blissful
How you keep me wanting more
And how when I get a lick of happiness you make you miss you more
You keep me wanting, waiting, and begging for more
And I want it to end
And I can't make it
Your hold on me is tighter than welded iron and there's no heat to unconnect it
Only cold
There's a lock on my heart and you've put it there...
so that I would never let go or stop being an addict
But it's not like I don't have the skeleton key
to unlock
          *and let be...