Kinda wanna drive off a bridge
not gonna lie.
Not to die but to just...
pause I guess.
To be surrounded and confined
by the weight and presence of the waves. With nothing but the sound of the water
to encase you.
Maybe it’s the feeling of sinking I crave.
Or maybe it’s surrendering to the depths just to see what waits there.
In a sense it’s drowning without death. Just sinking so deep and for so long that this push and pull of the water reversed the top with the bottom and I sink to the surface succumbing to the dance of the sea.

Darling, why let yourself cave to their ideas of how we should be? We are the stars that never burst and the seas that never end. Self awakening scares the sleepers, don’t stop your growth for anyone.

Be mindful my love, as you seek your higher self, to not give in to the forces that raise against you. For as your third eye opens wider there will be those desperate to close it, fearful of the power you contain. Spiritual awakening scares the sleepers. Don’t stop your growth for anyone.

Darling, why do you let yourself cave to their ideas of how we should be?
There is a goddess beneath our skin and a galaxy under our ribs.
Didn’t you know?
We are the granddaughters of the witches they couldn’t burn.
We are the stars that never burst and the seas that never end.
We are beauty and power and nothing can hold us back
save for our own fears and minds.
Set yourself free.
watch the universe dance along to the music your soul creates.

All things grow. I want to be the catalyst to so many things. To be the spark that breaths the fire back into your lungs. I want to entice others to chase their biggest dreams. I want to be the spark that ignites your soul. To cause you to fall in love with life it’s self.

I am a wandering soul, I know not where I go. My goal is not In the ending nor is it whence I came. my destiny is in the now as I dance between these plains.

I wander with the wishes and chase the petals and leaves, but no matter how far I meander, my roots will follow me.

Breathe in deep and spread your roots to the edges of the universe, in this way everywhere you go becomes home

No matter how far you go, those roots will guide you home

I often smoke to fill my lungs and **** the flowers I once planted there for you. and get high on the freedom I find in my new life without you.

The sunset was the kind that was like syrup dripping from the skies and if you were to drink it it would be the ambrosia that tasted like a life time

Life is all about perception. The people we meet, the memories we create, the chances we take. Every story is a thread. And every thread is, in some way or another, attached to a different string of threads. This goes on and on until it all weaves together into a massive tapestry that is our reality. Therefore, to you, I am only as you perceive me to be. no more, no less.

I’ve met many a person who picked up my threads and twirled them around, claiming to recognize the colors and the feeling of the strings in their hands, only to realize what they thought was purple, was green all along and they simply felt cotton when it was actually a mess of silks and twine. All those threads they believed were theirs to hold through out all of time, belonged to no one at all, because they were mine.

And so too have I met, the quiet few, who glanced at the threads we weave with our lives and instantly knew, there was no “mine” or “theirs” or “you” because perception is blind and we are all new. Not one story is the same, and yet not one is unique, for we are all the same tapestry
and I am the you, that you seek.

There is a forest,
Under the sea,
To which I desperately
Long to see.

I have this tightness in my chest
The anxiety swallows me whole
An overwhelming sense of unrest
As I wonder what I did to cause the pull
The pull away from me
I did something wrong I can feel it
But the mistake I cannot see
What
Did
I
Do?
What hurt you?
I will wait for your reply
But this anxiety is causing
the worst sorta high

It’s so weird... discovering how fragile ones mentality is...I have always expressed that it’s ok to need to live for something else when you can’t find the ability to live for yourself. So you do your best to build stability and optimism all while you feel like you are shattering one crack at a time.  So what were to happen if what you are living for is jeopardized? Would you break completely or simply find something else to live for? What if it was the ONLY thing that you could live for in that moment? At times when I cannot bare to live for myself I live for my plants. They would not survive without me therefore I must keep going or they would not make it. The problem for living for something that’s alive is what would happen if that thing were to die? If the petals were to wilt and the stems drop and the flowers fade? What happens when your life has crashed and imploded at catastrophic proportions and the only thing to survive the disaster turns out to be dying? When every thing is going wrong and you are shattering one crack at a time and all you can live for are your plants then a massive crack splits you into a thousand little pieces and the only thing holding you together has began to shrivel along with your mentality. What am I to do now?

Today I saw the quote
“If it’s about survival... isn’t a little agony worth it?”

As if agony is something so small and easy to bare. As if it is a stone in our pockets that just adds a little weight as we are forced to march on this path that has no way out and no way back. When it’s more like this pressure that surrounds us and pushes our feet into the ground as we wade through this quick sand in attempt to make any progress, to move forward even an inch. In attempt to avoid being swallowed whole. But at the same time we just want to sink to the bottom and let the sticky sand muffle all sounds included our own. So we can let this pressure push us down as we sink further and further holding our breath waiting for that moment when we reach the bottom, just to see what’s there. And when we finally inhale we find our lungs have been filled with sand all along, it’s just this time it fills our eyes and ears as well. But perhaps a “little agony is worth it”. Maybe we should swallow our pain and continue forever forward as if we didn’t just swallow a red hot coal that’s now burning its way through our bodies and melting our will to continue as it goes. But no, let’s swallow it like a chalky pill that sticks to our throats and catches on it’s way down, but don’t worry, here’s a glass of sand to wash it down.

Wisps of whispered words float away on the wind
Up to the moon like dust on the stars
And nothing is more beautiful
then when I look at you
Wishes slip past my lips
and much like dandelion seeds taken root in the sidewalk  
they grow,
and sprout without me noticing,
not until they have become white plumes to be blown and carried away by the wind. Dancing and floating free to the horizon
they carry the wishes of a silent soul

So long as you are here
I can do anything
With your fingers entwined in mine
I can hold my head high
And dance like a wishing **** on the wind

for the last couple years of my life,
I’ve lost my sense of color,
Vibrance has blurred into nothingness

I let myself forget
That there was ever any color
to begin with.

And as I made the motions
Of a living human being
Moving through my white washed life
I forgot I only had one life left.

That this white washed life
Will one day be,

My white washed tomb.

That I was living six feet above
And will one day lay down six feet below
I had even looked forward to it.

But this vibrance did exist
I had just forgotten how to look for it
as a child
The world was painted
by the artists that came before.

How did I forget?
How could I forget?
How could I let
This vibrance blur into nothingness?

there once was a girl born with a fire heart.
it danced beneath the layers of her skin,
burning so brilliantly
you could see the flames blazing within.

when she saw the monsters
lurking within the darkness,
hunting those with no light to burn
this little girl gave them her flames.

and for once,
the world was burst into a brilliant light.
it pulsed and danced across the stars
with the potential to burn away the endless darkness

but what this foolish girl had yet to understand
was that there was only so much of your fire heart
that you can give away before you are left with
nothing but simmering embers inside.

on her knees she was smiling,
seeing all that her fire has saved.


only to be burned with her own flames.


she has out lived her purpose
so they left her to be devoured
by the very monsters
she had protected them from.

only to realize that these monsters
weren't nearly as bad as the ones
who now walked away with her flames.

I am not your number one
And that is ok
I have accepted this
As my fate
Inescapable
You see,

I...
will never come first.

And that’s ok.

When I tell you I love you more than anything,
You will never reply the same.

And that’s ok.

I will never be your first

And that’s ok

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

Her smile will forever make you day

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if it didn’t anyway)

She is your purpose for living

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if she wasn’t anyway)

Her laugh is your most precious thing

And that’s ok
(I wouldn’t love you as much as I do if it wasn’t anyway)

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

She will always be your brightest sun

And that’s ok

She will always be the first

And that’s ok

I will never even be the fourth

And that’s ok

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

It really is.
I swear to god that it’s ok
I love you all the more for it
And I wouldn’t have it any other way

But at night....

When loneliness seeps into my bones

And monsters hiss into my ears


Reminding me that I am not your first
That I... have never been anyone’s first and most important person


That I have never deserved it

And that I will never even be your fourth.

And that’s ok.

It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

But at night...


With loneliness bleeding through my soul.

I can’t help but wonder...

What it would be like.

To at least once


be first
To someone
To anyone

Because I have never been anybody’s number one.

Never been put first

Not even by myself.

And I never will be.



And that’s ok.


It’s ok.
It’s ok.
It’s ok.

Because when the sun is out.
I love you all the more for it
I don’t regret it.
I do not envy it.
I love you all the more for it

And it’s all truly ok.

It’s ok
It’s ok
It’s ok

But at night


With loneliness swallowing me whole

I can’t help but wonder

Why I

Will never

Be enough


To ever

Be first


Or even

Simply fourth.

I hate that I am eating.
I hate every bite, every swallow.
I hate every taste, every wrapper.
I hate the bile that raises in the back of my throat every time
I try to consume food.
I am so so very sick of it all.
So sick of needing to be high to even want to eat.
So sick of the feeling of being full
And I hate my need to be rid of it.
Of trying to force it to stay down
But secretly wishing that my ***** will drown me.
I hate myself when I do *****.
But I hate myself so much more when I don’t.
But they say I’m pretty
But they say I’m better
So why is it so hard
When every swallow is burning me alive
And every ***** makes me a liar.
And every skipped meal makes me a coward.

The world is teetering
Tethered by a withered string
And gravity is pulling it taught

And now it’s crashing
Louder and louder
The shards splinter my skin
And rivulets of blood
Turns to rivers

You hear a sigh
Of relief
Of regret
Of release
As you find me
Drowning in a pool of my blood

You say that I’ve changed,
I’m simply not the same.
A stranger that stole
Your little sisters face.
What a disgrace,
To be so misplaced.
But tell me dear siblings,
How would you know?
You never see me.
I have bent over backwards
All for you.
My “loving” family,
I have broken my heart
Again and again
On the cold steel of your eyes.
I have choked on the storm
Of your torrent of lies.
I have cut myself open
And poured my blood all over
the razor whip of your cruel words.
I have cried for you
I have died  inside for you
And when you were jealous,
because I could fly
I let you tear off my wings
And chain me to the ground.
Because I was told your love
Had to be earned
I did everything you asked of me.
I gave you my everything
And then a little more
Only to hear you demand for more.
Your eyes stayed cold
And words cut deeper still
I froze from your gaze
And collapsed from the blood loss
And you were insulted
And as you broke me
You laughed when you snapped me in two
Then left me behind,
As you always do.
You expect me to take the pain
And rise once more
On trembling limbs
To trail on after you
So you can break me some more.
You demand I be there should you have the need
To always be willing to let you watch me bleed.
And yet you claim that It is I,
Who has changed,
That I am simply not the same.
A stranger that stole
Your little sisters face.
And as I lay bleeding
I realized you were leeching
The life from my soul
And I felt the betrayal swallow me whole
I gasp for air,
Running out of breath
From the noose of expectations
You’ve tied round my neck.

For a moment today...
my heart stopped.

When I was a little girl I stood in awe,
Before the beauty that was Notre Dame.
It was only a picture,
but in it I saw the marvel that was Notre Dame.

And so as a girl I dreamed
To feel her bells reverberate through my soul,
To draw her beauty with inadequate talent
To one day stand before grand Notre Dame.

And now she is burning.
Dressed in red
Her heart is on fire
as the flames hungrily sought to accomplish
that which two wars and a plague could not,
To consume beloved Notre Dame.

856 years she has witnessed
856 years her regal beauty has graced us
856 years Her bells have sounded for so many souls

And in what seemed like seconds
Notre Dame...

Is gone.

The trembling ash coated skeleton
of her existence is all that remains
of the glory that was Notre Dame

And if you are silent you may still hear the bells
ringing through out the earth,
crying for Notre Dame.
And now as she goes in a blaze of beauty..
I too cry for Notre Dame.

for a moment today...
my heart stopped.

and as I behold that what is left
of the burning heart of Paris..
I am unsure it will start again.

I feel so foggy
Limbs feel heavy
Thoughts feel thick
Eyelids stick
I don’t feel sick
So it must be ok..
No matter the way
Self medicate
To placate
This morbid mirror
This demonic fear

We spend all of this time
searching our souls and
picking apart our brains
wondering how we fell so far
we look in the mirror to practice
our grins and blatant white lies
in an attempt to cover the dishonesty
behind the sentiment "i am perfectly fine"

I met a child
On a warm summers day
Who reminded me
How to laugh and to play
Round and around
The pool we would swim
Caving to our every whim
And in that child,
I found a spark
That breathed the life
Back into my broken heart

Dear Reader,
they say that life is loud.
That it's noise deafens us and dulls our senses.
that it is all just..... too much

But you see, dear reader, I... disagree
I think that life is absolutely quiet,
and I think that the silence bothers people.
Because, much to the disagreement of others,
silence is so terribly loud

within the quiet hides
all that we are,
all that we hope to be,
and all that we fear.
monsters thrive in the silence
because there is nothing to
drown them out
no escape.
Just you and your own mind.

I believe that Hell
is cold and quiet.
That it is like snow muffled steps
echoing in our souls forever.
The frigid silence is inescapable

It seeps into your very bones
and fills your head
until all you can hear
is the smooth cold laughter
of your demons
as they delight in your numb isolation

I believe that this hell
is already here
and it fills our lives

Think about it,
the world shattering
as the silence of your worthless life
echos through your core.

Yes,
it is the silence that frightens us.
The things that the silence reveals in our souls.
As it uncovers the monsters that lurk
in the dark shadows of the mirror before you.
It forces you to face
every flaw.

So please,
I beg of you,
scream with me.
cut me open
and bleed with me
so I can escape this all encompassing silence.

There once was a girl
Sitting all alone
Beside a grave
She wished
Was her own.

And as she shuddered
And gasped for breath
She realized
all she longed for

Was death.

“Silly girl”
Death said to me
“How can you exist
So selfishly?”

“For her to die
And you to live
Is the curse that
You deserve”

And as I lay there
In a pool
of blood
And tears
I realize the truth

It’s not my place

Not to live
And not to die
Not to give up
And not to try

It’s not my air to breathe
And yet who am I to deny
It’s not my food to eat
Yet how can I not?

How can I waste
What was hers to claim?
And how can I die
When she lays in my grave?

She didn’t deserve it
But I...
I do
And so I am forced
To consume her food.

It’s not my air to breathe
It’s not my place to greave
It’s not my food to consume
It’s not my life to remove

I’ve lost the will

False laughter and pearly white grins
We all have a storm raging within
And yet we’re all so desperate not to show
Little do we understand that we are only fooling ourselves
Our hallow laughter echoes through the halls as our cavity riddled teeth gnash in a crude imitation of what a smile should be.

we live in a world where we are taught
what to think
how to act
what to say
how to react
and yet we remain so very clueless

A chance

All that I ask for is a chance
A chance to meet and not divide
We’ve played this game,
Time and again
And throughout it all
we still remained friends
But to write off someone
based on what you lack
Is a sorry thing
that you have a knack
Of repeating again and again.
I’m not begging for you
to be chummy ole pals
Only I plead for you to meet
without a judgmental scowl.
Though a childish endeavor
I know it to be,
For once I just wish
You could see what I see.
With out the taint of jealousy.

You feel like fire to me.
All warm and beautiful
With the ability to
Burn
Me
Alive
Mesmerizing to behold
As you dance around with a
glittering spark in your eyes
As you always seem to
Draw
Me
In
And entice me to dance with you.
So beautiful in your destruction
With the ability to burn away the darkest of nights.

I feel as if I have paper skin
Fire for eyes and water
that swirls And sloshes inside.
And the water is rotting my moldy skin as it begins to douse the fire within.

You stick us all together
And declare we are the same
As if we all don’t have a different
Tolerance to pain

Ragged breaths
Dilated eyes
The sweet truth
The hazy lie
Breathy laughter
Loving the high
Sensual embrace
As I chase
After you
Addicted
through and through

patchwork poetry
from a broken soul
ageless words
stitched together
take their toll
as we twist them
to fit the role

I am not pretty
nor happy
nor brave
my world is a world of mist and rain
you are beautiful
your smile is sunshine given life
as you take all blows in stride.
don"t you see?
you and I,
we are not the same.
your provide an umbrella
and I provide the rain
and the winds will batter you
and force your umbrella to crumple
with holes in the fabric
and no shelter from my storm
and you will realize
that rain no longer smells so sweet
when choking on the storm
so you will retreat

and leave me to rage alone...