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Empire Aug 12
I want to write it all out
Release the floodgates
But instead
I let my emotions be dull
Blunted
There’s too much withheld
Take it slow, dear
But I want to feel it all
Something
Or go all numb
I don’t know...
I just... I can feel their echo
Thoughts, emotions
I know what I’m trying to feel
What I ought to feel
But I can’t...
Can’t quite reach it...
Like it’s shrouded
Under a thick fog
I just want to feel like I’m supposed to...
Caring can be challenging...
I’d kind of like to give up
Give in
Surrender to apathy
Can’t seem to decide...
Empire Jun 16
I’m a stranger in my own flesh

On the obvious,
My adult body
Has never been
This small before
It feels strange...
It was not by choice

But I don’t know
I’ve no idea who I am
I lost a year of my life
My senior year
Stolen by insanity

I was supposed to
Go out and find myself
Go away to college
But I was too weak
I couldn’t do it

So here I am
Alive only because
I’m addicted to my drug
The one prescribed
But this is when
I was supposed to find out
Who the hell I am
And instead
There’s this thing
In my head
And I need it...
So badly I need it
But I can’t tell
If I’m making the decisions
Or if it is...
I’m a stranger
Inside my flesh
Empire Jun 16
Slowly, sneakily
It starts creeping back in
Right around midnight
As the medication fades
As I prep my next dose
I feel my past
Hovering over my shoulders
Threatening to return
And just the thought
Fills me with so much fear
I rush to my little orange bottle
And wait for its serenity
To bring me peace again
Empire Jun 11
It's like I used to be able to see so much
It’s like I used to be able to feel so much
More than I should have been able to...
Infrared, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, ultraviolet
But infrared and ultraviolet were too much to bear
They were blinding me, crippling me
Too much of a good thing, I guess
So they gave me a pill to pop
That blunts the edges
And all I see now
Are yellow
and green
But I remember when I could see ultraviolet...
Empire Jun 11
I’m not exactly sad
I’m not exactly happy
I smile sometimes
I cry extremely rarely
So... is that it?
Is this the recovery I was promised?
Lukewarm all over
Breathing... I guess?
Passion all but faded
My lips keep uttering,
“I don’t care”
I mean... I’m not obsessive now
Most of the compulsions are gone
(Though some simply replaced)
I wake up in the morning
But the fire is gone
My fire is gone...
Empire Jun 9
A year ago...
When life was unbearable
I prayed so long and hard
For God’s peace
Which surpasses understanding
To fill me
To calm me
To steady me
So I could think
So I could breathe
So I could eat
Ending the compulsions
Ending the panic
Ending the dread
And he answered
After I took a step forward
But now I’m not sure
If I’m filled with
The peace of God
Or the peace of paroxetine
Or perhaps... both?
Empire Jun 6
My stomach is churning
Spinning and ill
What is it this time?
Let’s see... it could be:
Anxiety
Hunger
Guilt
Caffeine
Paroxetine
Or I suppose... actual sickness?
Let’s be real, it’s probably not
Empire Jun 5
They’re afraid I’m not myself
That the little circular tablet has changed me
But how would we know?
Before I was crippled by adrenaline
I was so young
You can’t compare me to that
And in the midst of my darkest days...
You can’t possibly believe that’s me
Is that who you’re looking for?
Because I don’t care about everything now
It’s not perfect
But I’m not obsessive anymore
And that’s what I needed most
All I have is who I am now
Empire Jun 5
Because of my excessive adrenaline
I take it
I shouldn’t feel it
But I do
The calm filling my limbs
Tranquility everywhere
But where are the warnings?
The signs when I go too far?
Which ideas are bad?
I truly can’t tell
I’m slipping
Sedated
Empty
Empire Jun 4
Another empty pill bottle
Another gargoyle to throw away
If I set it on my nightstand
It keeps the demons at bay
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