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Sarafæl Oct 12
We had good *** but that’s about it
We argue over text about stupid ****
You have a small ****
I think it made you a *****
Your insecurities
Overwhelmed me
You’re demons overran you
Boy I just couldn’t stand you
I don’t wanna see you any more
You crashed my car then ****** a *****
I don’t blame her tho
This is all on you
I dont think you know
How the things you do
Affect those around  you
Like how you ****** that girl in my bed
Or how your lies where in everything you never said
How you criticized me for wanting to be dead
Why don’t you pull the trigger
put a bullet through my head
Would’ve been better than what you did
When you put that cigarette out on my shoulder
Looked you in the eyes
While I felt it smolder
Said it was fine
You didn’t commit a crime
Cause I wanted it so bad
Like you where always  mad
at me for my loyalty
You could never trust
You were always tryina bust
All you had for me was lust
She said you couldn’t have me
That made you want me so much
Now and then I cringe
at how I responded to your touch
I was just tryina binge
Watch some anime
Then you took that away
You forced me to cuddle
You grabbed my hair
Turned me to a puddle
Dissociated
Comatose baby
Protective personalities
Malfunctioning realities
Could this really be happening
I’m watching from the ceiling again
That’s not my body this is all pretend

Oh Geo, I don’t miss you so
I’m so glad to see you go
Now I finally have control
TW: Abusive relationship, suicidal ideation, dissociation
Iska Sep 19
There was a girl I loved
But that girl is no longer here.
She had a nerve of steel
Yet was bound by her fear.
Her hair was silken gold
Her eyes alight with passion

But then... she turned cold.
And form that moment on
The girl I loved was gone.

But then as it always will
The universe caught her soul
And breathed her back to life
And I met the girl
Who had been set free

And I realized
that while the girl I loved
Was now no longer here
This woman that she’s become
Is the one to be revered.

He soul is filled with stars
Her smile like the spring
Her nerve of steel remained
And her heart was still the same
You have grown in the best way possible
Keith Strand May 19
This is it
the end of the high

The start of the low

I can see it
Through death's sullen eyes

The yearning for my soul

And perhaps I'll waltz
in death's arms

Just not close enough for a kiss
KK

**
Empire Feb 18
tw suicidal fantasy



This is the last time
The knife will never again leave its drawer
Not after tonight
Not by my hand

I’ll take it out
Unsheathe the tool of my end
I just... I just wanna...
Hold it against my skin

There will be no restraint
Not this time
I’ll dig it in as deep as I can bear
Tear a horrible **** in my arm

I wanna feel the agony
Watch myself bleed out
Until it gets foggy
Until the room starts to sway

Then, I can lay myself down
One last time.
Ugh... my heart aches for an end...

dw I’ve contacted suicide prevention
Iska Feb 13
It’s so weird... discovering how fragile ones mentality is...I have always expressed that it’s ok to need to live for something else when you can’t find the ability to live for yourself. So you do your best to build stability and optimism all while you feel like you are shattering one crack at a time.  So what were to happen if what you are living for is jeopardized? Would you break completely or simply find something else to live for? What if it was the ONLY thing that you could live for in that moment? At times when I cannot bare to live for myself I live for my plants. They would not survive without me therefore I must keep going or they would not make it. The problem for living for something that’s alive is what would happen if that thing were to die? If the petals were to wilt and the stems drop and the flowers fade? What happens when your life has crashed and imploded at catastrophic proportions and the only thing to survive the disaster turns out to be dying? When every thing is going wrong and you are shattering one crack at a time and all you can live for are your plants then a massive crack splits you into a thousand little pieces and the only thing holding you together has began to shrivel along with your mentality. What am I to do now?
Heidi Franke Aug 2019
The human appetite
To **** the pain
to not experience any
dis-
comfort

The human appetite
to run a-way
far,                      away
are
seeds planted from our
footsteps

The more we run
the bigger the
plant,     thump!  says despair
the hungrier
we get
the greater the ruin
in our run

Don't avoid
the burdens of
engaging lost plans, find again
your A,B,C's, a friendly classmate, your sister
or others.
Other Wise,
the human
starves its self
in a marathon
by sealing off mouths.

Alimentary,
Leaving one, you, her, they,
them,
in the
hunger cycle
to feed
then.  crushed
left over a lean-to void,
And endless hunger

Elementary words
     Don't avoid
pain.
          I L.o.v.e and Y.o.u
It requires a handshake
a' la carte,
Indulge in
nutrient rich
Appetites
The elementary
   remedy is not in
the crash diet.
Come home now.
Ring a bell
Your table is set
I am here
It's time for dinner.
I lost my brother to suicide. Our thoughts control our actions. Contain, refresh, reset your thoughts to avoid getting hungry to end your pain. Pain can lead to dessert if you stay the course and call out for help. Please never give up.
It sits in my stomach like a pile of rocks,
chases the beats of my heart until it feels like it might stop,
electrocutes my blood and shoots lightning through my bones,
pours gunpowder on my lungs after a shot right to the chest,  
and inside my shaking limbs
and numbing skin,
my insides are spinning,
an earthquake has just begun.
It grips me
tighter than my hands clasped together,
every muscle straining, every fiber tensed,
and waits,
sharper than teeth clenching on the flesh of what’s left of my humanity,
it waits,
to tear me apart.

In public spaces,
the crowds and faces
squeeze the life out of me.
Watered-down pain,
my teeth make an appearance,
the forced laugh exhales deeply but fails to inhale again.
Its bubbling up, it wants to escape
I don't know how long I can hold it
I'm not that strong
I want control over it
But it consumes me.
I count to three
tell myself I’m okay
“You’re fine
You’re fine
You’re fine”
Still, I can barely breathe.
My eyes I cannot tame,
I hold them back but they betray me,
So I swallow all I can,
engulfing my energy
until I’m able to leave.
In the quiet
I sink in my pillow,
Like a ship at sea caught in a storm,
Filling with rain.
My hand grips over my mouth
I’m quieter than a mouse
The windows are open and crickets are chirping,
and my head tries to disassemble the bomb
alleviate the pressure
of silent breathless screams,
before it explodes.

After the war
My eyes are ****** and burn
and I curl up in a ball
wrap myself tight
let the fan that swirls slower than my pain
dry my eyes
steady my shaking
remind me to take in the air it circulates
when I stop breathing,
when I’m limp and weak and still,
It whispers “shhh”
and lullabies me to sleep.
The sleep won’t last
and I jolt awake with nausea so strong
stomach still churning
head still spinning
chest still hosting a circus
but I am still curled up
the fan still singing.
It rains a little more
until I drift under
to be reminded again the next hour.

Sometimes I think
how peaceful it would be
to have that powerful silence:
my cells would stop dividing
brain would stop lying
I would stop denying
what I truly want
but
this is just a reckless fantasy
a way to elude one’s own reality
because there are those who care for me more
cherish me more
love me more
so I choose not the silence of rest
but the silence of war.
I will keep fighting my war
so no war is created
because of me.
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