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Heidi Franke Aug 19
The human appetite
To **** the pain
to not experience any
dis-
comfort

The human appetite
to run a-way
far,                      away
are
seeds planted from our
footsteps

The more we run
the bigger the
plant,     thump!  says despair
the hungrier
we get
the greater the ruin
in our run

Don't avoid
the burdens of
engaging lost plans, find again
your A,B,C's, a friendly classmate, your sister
or others.
Other Wise,
the human
starves its self
in a marathon
by sealing off mouths.

Alimentary,
Leaving one, you, her, they,
them,
in the
hunger cycle
to feed
then.  crushed
left over a lean-to void,
And endless hunger

Elementary words
     Don't avoid
pain.
          I L.o.v.e and Y.o.u
It requires a handshake
a' la carte,
Indulge in
nutrient rich
Appetites
The elementary
   remedy is not in
the crash diet.
Come home now.
Ring a bell
Your table is set
I am here
It's time for dinner.
I lost my brother to suicide. Our thoughts control our actions. Contain, refresh, reset your thoughts to avoid getting hungry to end your pain. Pain can lead to dessert if you stay the course and call out for help. Please never give up.
It sits in my stomach like a pile of rocks,
chases the beats of my heart until it feels like it might stop,
electrocutes my blood and shoots lightning through my bones,
pours gunpowder on my lungs after a shot right to the chest,  
and inside my shaking limbs
and numbing skin,
my insides are spinning,
an earthquake has just begun.
It grips me
tighter than my hands clasped together,
every muscle straining, every fiber tensed,
and waits,
sharper than teeth clenching on the flesh of what’s left of my humanity,
it waits,
to tear me apart.

In public spaces,
the crowds and faces
squeeze the life out of me.
Watered-down pain,
my teeth make an appearance,
the forced laugh exhales deeply but fails to inhale again.
Its bubbling up, it wants to escape
I don't know how long I can hold it
I'm not that strong
I want control over it
But it consumes me.
I count to three
tell myself I’m okay
“You’re fine
You’re fine
You’re fine”
Still, I can barely breathe.
My eyes I cannot tame,
I hold them back but they betray me,
So I swallow all I can,
engulfing my energy
until I’m able to leave.
In the quiet
I sink in my pillow,
Like a ship at sea caught in a storm,
Filling with rain.
My hand grips over my mouth
I’m quieter than a mouse
The windows are open and crickets are chirping,
and my head tries to disassemble the bomb
alleviate the pressure
of silent breathless screams,
before it explodes.

After the war
My eyes are ****** and burn
and I curl up in a ball
wrap myself tight
let the fan that swirls slower than my pain
dry my eyes
steady my shaking
remind me to take in the air it circulates
when I stop breathing,
when I’m limp and weak and still,
It whispers “shhh”
and lullabies me to sleep.
The sleep won’t last
and I jolt awake with nausea so strong
stomach still churning
head still spinning
chest still hosting a circus
but I am still curled up
the fan still singing.
It rains a little more
until I drift under
to be reminded again the next hour.

Sometimes I think
how peaceful it would be
to have that powerful silence:
my cells would stop dividing
brain would stop lying
I would stop denying
what I truly want
but
this is just a reckless fantasy
a way to elude one’s own reality
because there are those who care for me more
cherish me more
love me more
so I choose not the silence of rest
but the silence of war.
I will keep fighting my war
so no war is created
because of me.
Val Graz Jun 14
I'm staring down at my arm holding a knife,
It may be only in my head, but I'm balancing my life,
Weighing out if it's worth the pain,
That I've been dealing with, making me more insane,
I've been ******* over so many times, by people who said they cared,
Well, maybe it's time I give up and stop trying so hard,
Because I've taken all the medications they want to give me,
I've done years and years, so much talking in therapy,
And still I'm here, contemplating the end of it all,
Because there's just so many times you can get up after a fall,

And it's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt,

Someone once told me you can always call me when you don't feel safe,
Well I don't want to be a burden, because I'd be calling every day,
Because lately I've been feeling down, feeling wrong,
About the past and all the things people have done,
And yeah, I'm more of a sinner than a saint at the end of the day,
But that's just the role that these deeds have cast me in to play,
For being abused at such young of an age,
And now I hate myself and want to pay,
Cosmically, permanently, with a smile on my face,
Because it would all be over, I can't keep up this pace,

The pills,
The thrills,
The ****,
The greed,
The hookups,
The makeups,
The alcohol,
The temptation of it all,
And everything in between,
I want to atone for my deeds,

It's a lie when they say you can always dust off your knees,
After laying on the ground, getting up and praying for release,
Because I've done my time, being miserable and in hurt,
And I just want some relief from sitting in the dirt.
Val Graz Apr 19
I hate me, I hate everything about me,
The things you can see, and especially those you can't see,
I hate living, getting up every day,
Make money, they say, gotta get paid,
But I can barely stand up in my own skin,
How do I help others, when I can't begin,
I'm stuck like cement in my own body,
And I wanna **** it sometimes, don't tell Mommy,
She's still traumatized,
From all the other times,
I downed a bottle of pills,
Hoping I'd get out of this place,

So someone help me, help me live,
Because it can't always be like like this,
I'm drowning in my own self-loathing,
It's like a permanent set of clothing,
I can't get away from me,
So someone, help me, help me,

I've been reaching for a hand to pull me out for so long,
I'll just keep it hanging here, until I've had enough,
Lonely as the last of their own species,
No one else like me, I guarantee this freely,
Haunted by my childhood, and the demon that possess it,
Caught up in my own head, and all of it's dumb ****,
I can't see two steps ahead, sometimes I can't even see one,
God whoever made me, I hope they were having fun,
To make my pathetic existence worth something at least,
Even if just a stain on some old *** sheets,

So someone help me, help me live,
Because it can't always be like like this,
I'm drowning in my own self-loathing,
It's like a permanent set of clothing,
I can't get away from me,
So someone, help me, help me.
Colten Sorrells Dec 2018
I don’t want to do this
I just want to hide,
just curl up in a ball
while I wait here to die
I don’t know what to say
when you ask me what’s wrong
I wish I could tell you
but I’m just not that strong

the truth is, that
I just don’t feel like living
in a world so judgemental,
so cold, unforgiving
I give it my all
all this world does is take
and it still makes no difference
It’s always the same

I could just disappear
and no one would lose sleep
there’d be someone there
in my place in a week
I just don’t want to do this
I just want to hide
I’m curled up in the darkness
just waiting to die
not even sure what triggered this episode. I felt great when I first woke up
s Nov 2018
my violent ideations
quell at the presence of
you only

as you lean in for a kiss
i find myself again
in some analeptic bliss

my mind is subdued by
only you

but you stepped out from
my dreams and now
you haunt reality

and this love is just an addiction
that i can't help but feed.
Jules Jul 2018
the images
come in flashes,
now:

red lines on my dark skin;
a loose noose;
a cliff to fall from
and a fear of falling.
the tip of a sharp blade
against my throat.
(for some reason
i never think of guns.)

they come unbidden
in the midst of everything:
while i am eating;
in conversation with family;
in the shower;
when i wake up in the mornings
wondering why i have still awoken,
and in these moments,
time slows,
stretches out like a drawn-out punishment
while i watch myself stare into nothing.

the indescribable messy affair
of limbo,
of nothing being bad
but nothing being good;
of things not being terrible,
but feeling that they are about to be;
of wanting to leap off the cliff
before you are pushed off;
a pretence
of control.

outside, the storm keeps raging,
and a tree knocks on my bedroom window.
i sit up in time to see the lightning
illuminate a leaf
blown off of its tree.
in the morning, the leaf will have dried
or be floating in flood.
it will not see the storm pass;
it will only turn yellow
and crumple under someone’s foot.
a satisfying crunch.
i wonder only if the leaf had the chance to leap
before the wind pushed it off.
lately i have been wondering
that if everything leaves eventually,
what is the point of arriving at all.

in my bed,
with only the thunder to speak to,
i lay back again.
i plead with the images to let me sleep,
and close my eyes.
this was written in one go and unedited, for the words have been begging to be written down for a long time. my only regret is that i cannot properly tag this with its triggers, but i do not feel comfortable posting this anywhere else. it is nice that i can come back to this site always, even after half a year, when there is little else. if you are struggling, do not go yet. i only want you to know that you are not alone in the battle.
Blyn Jun 2018
Lying
Is easier without eye contact.
In a text message,
You can say anything,
And they'll never know.

Yes, I read your letter,
No, I haven't cut recently,
Yes, I'm taking my meds,
No, I'm not thinking about killing myself.

They like to hear that last one.
No, I'm not thinking about killing myself.
But it's never the truth.
I am always thinking about killing myself.
Not like I'm thinking about going to work tomorrow,
But like I think that I could be a mermaid.
Sure, I'm probably not going to be a mermaid,
But it sounds like a nice escape sometimes, doesn't it?
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