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Ariel Jul 27
Its' like each time
I dream
I see more and more
of me
of who I am experiencing
and who I was
trapped stuck in the time
see what they don't tell you about
is that
trauma makes you frozen in time
as you heal
you literally remember more of who you are
you have moments of peace and less dissacoiation
you start to feel your body more
in my dreams
I go places
many times I am escaping
trying to be somewhere else
so many times
in real life  
it feels as if I am being choked alive
as if my words don't matter
and I have lost the words to speak
I feel trapped in a time dimension
of space
of my fears
and pains .
I have always felt that I
experience this world differently
like I see things before they happen
like I percieve things differently
like I am an alien human
when I speak with animals
I feel like I belong
when I am sitting in nature
feet on the grass
staring at the brilliant
blue sky
I feel one
with all
I feel like myself
when I stare into cat's eyes
I feel like
I am staring into the universe
for we are all
at its core
creation energy
the universe
I know it sounds cheesy
but the more I heal
the more I find
that this is the truth
I used to believe
that people didn't like me
so that is what I was shown
in the world
now I feel my heart
starting to open up again
and I notice how more women
seem  to smile at me
in the streets
for it is all a projection .
Ariel Jul 19
I wish I could tell you
when you looked at me with eyes of pity
to not pity me,
because I've been through so much ,
and I don't want pity
I wish I could share with the people in the room,
my stories,
the stories that I leave out
the stories
of mourning
the stories of grieveing
the stories
of how I lift myself up each day
some days its harder
and some days its a bit easier
how I cry almost every day
how much I mourn a family that I never truly had
how much I wish I could go back to all the toxic people
that I left
for I am so lonely and longing for love and connection
but I don't because I value myself
how much I dissacociate each day
how much the hunger inside of me
aches and consumes,
trying to be dulled by addictions,
aches to be seen loved touched valued
to be complimented on something  other than just how I look,
to be cuddled,
without being sexualized
how deep my feelings are
how much I want friends
even just one
how much I wish I had the money
to travel
to sit at beautiful restruants,
and to pertend I live a different life
but instead I sit and I do my best
to not overshare or trauma dump
and to laugh off the things that hurt me
the things that have made me so bitter and cynical
instead I am always wishing hoping
and working towards a better life for myself
for I don't know any other way .
How much I yearn to sit with a mother
that I truly love
that is truly kind to me
that I know would do anything for me
how much I yearn for a father
that i know that could support me
that If I would call on the phone and cry to him
that he would do anything to help me
that would hold my hand and keep me safe
how much I long for to have a sister a brother
that  would be my best friend in the world
that would  respect me and care about me
and my pain
but instead I have no one
I am not looking for pity
I am looking for understanding
for a longing
of peace
that I don't have to spend another night crying,
in my bed all alone,
in a foreign country
all alone,
each time I sleep
I remember more trauma
that I forgot
of the men who hurt me in public,
and no one cared
or even asked me If I was okay .
so when people ask me
why do you have such a negetive view on life,
because I have met such horrible people
but still I am trying ,
constantly trying,
today I went out,
spoke with some people,
smiled instead of cried,
and tried to cloak my words with laughter and hopefulness
so they wouldn't see the tears that hide behind my eyes
that cry all the time.
Dresden May 23
You showed me heaven, but it smelled of sulfur.
You taught me love, but it wasn't the same shade.
You explained my body to me, and how it was reactive, sinful.
You told me my life was not my own. It was a part of a plan. Who's plan?
Oh yeah, "God's plan". The most powerful force ever to exist without being seen. Always to be feared and submitted to and never to be questioned.

How could you expect a child to survive in such a repressed state?
A place with no autonomy, no freedom, no love?

I planted my faithful mustard seed and was surprised when it couldn't grow without warmth, nutrients, and water. Funny how science can explain why this phenomenon happened, but God just remains silent.
Always so silent.

If I am deaf and blind, why has He not chosen me to be healed? What could a child have done to be forsaken?
Alaska May 8
my lips
sewed together
with perfectly stitched thread
through thin needle holes

the wounds
still wounds
not healed
over the years

the daily torture
of wanting to speak
but not being able
to tell

my hands
excessively clinging
to the thin rubber band

my voice
as i try to unwrap
one syllable after another

the aching in the throat
as i try to describe
in as little detail
the things i went through

as soon
as the words
left my mouth
almost as silent
as a short breath

i leave
the room
you sitting there
trying to grasp

what i had just coughed up
and disappeard
directly after
realizing i actually did

i am nowhere
and everywhere
at once
i am there again

you try to unwrap
the tangled words
the things unsaid
the thoughts not spoken

i slip out of reality
and suddenly
i hear you say
loud and clearly

"It was not your fault. It never was and it never will be."
anita Feb 4
sometimes my hardest nights are my best ones.
the nights where i am lonely, but not alone
the nights where i stare up at the sky
and see all those stars
and i realize that the world is so infinite
the nights that remind me that we are all just trying our best
and we all feel like strangers in our own bodies sometimes
and that despite how much we try to convince ourselves otherwise,
i can't get out of my head
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