I’m on this ship,
A ship for one,
Out at sea,
It’s beautiful yet nerve wracking,
I search and I see where I’m going to be
Optimism is key,
“No. Bad. Thoughts.”
I tell myself, almost constantly,
But it’s just out of my reach...

This anchor is attached to my heart
There it lived.
Then, ripped from my chest,
Leaving my body, weak, pained, dragged,
Into the dark gradient ocean
It lowers, as I twist, wind, and fight,
above sea.

Though, I find myself tired,
At times.
It wins.
It keeps me still.
Can I stay here?
It’s nice in theory...

Sometimes I’m triumphant.
Sometimes I win.
I am above the darkness,
There’s the veil,
I am no longer down there,
I see and hear signs of
Happiness.

So
Close.
Up, I must bring my heart.
Sew up my chest,
Wipe my tears,
More than once,
This cycle is done.
Look ahead,
Go. Forward.
And don’t look back.
But never forget.

Words are just words.
Colors are just colors.
Size is just size.
Glasses are just glasses.
School is just school.
People are just people.
But there is so much more behind these, apparently.

Routine revival of heated water
I am clean,
naked...
and blind,
Standing in front of me,
a reflection
Words and thoughts occupy me
But the brown of my eyes win
And everything becomes bright

Here,
I decide my day

They randomly see each other.
At the store.
At the gas station, farmer's market.
She is irked by how much he thinks she's "into him"
That ego. Smh
He is intrigued by her willingness to not give into him.
She really digs him.
He will never know that though.
They'd have one another in a heartbeat
If the stubborn and pride disappeared
He greets her with a cheeky grin.
"Hello love of my life, please tell me you're looking for me?"
She rolls her eyes and speaks true sass, "does your head ever get..ya know...too heavy?"
He will play dumb to continue hearing her voice, "what do you mean?"
"Your head...well I suppose it's full of air. Can't be too heavy."
His chuckle is genuine for her cute lil evil smirk claiming her victory.
He steps in front of her, asking for more, "Are you following me then?"
She replies with hands on her hip, "oh please. I haven't seen you in 2 weeks. Get over yourself."
As much as he likes the sight of her winning, he whispered, "As long as you're under me, love."
He winked and she left.



I hope it's not the end.
      


                                              «c.h.b.»

She left for New York City
I told her
"Don't miss me too much."
Silence grew.
I reassured,
"We share the same sky"
She told me I was poetic


                                         «c.h.b»

Let it be luck or fate
You and I became legends
Us against the world

With each battle,
Enemies came to fight
As allies made appearance

Wars are ongoing
But they hinder
From time to time

Young and optimistic,
We were not yet burdened,
With heavier dilemmas

We enjoyed our time
With each passing season,
Our dreams became bigger

We were the same
But different in pace
We became a comparison

No one warned us
That we could defy
One another

After our first few quarrels
We used the word "forever"
Often as we overcame obstacles

Like poison seeping in
Quarrel after quarrel,
"Forever" fell short of itself

There were more stories
Of us and our memories
Than memories being made

Maturity and experience
Changed everything
From our minds to physicalities

Sharp pain resides in my heart
Orignated from comparisons
I hated everything.

You recieved praise
And lost yourself in it
I lost my voice and will.

Mind tricks of my own doing
Distance flourished
As did I.

We were aware of ourselves
But we expected more too
We were no longer on the same page

Something crashed in us
It left marks and bruises
Left us broken and in pieces

Unsure of what was next
Our blades were drawn
Wounded each other with deceit

Haunted with hate,
You became headstrong
I took myself faraway

Time slowed down
The storm calmed
Everything softened

My sun grew confident again
Beaming from above,
Into what was left of me

The shadow casted
Showed me some truth
My mind cleared and spoke

Aren't we peers,
Or the least bit, equal?
When will you learn?

Look at me.
Who do you see,
If not someone found and free?

Words fled quickly
From my tired being
I justified myself for you (again)

You say you understood
But your skull and bones thick
With stubborn and pride.

Spiteful knives sharpened
By shared secrets and confessions
Tell me what part of me do you target

This new nature you claim
Doesn't not suit you well
But maybe the colors are true

It might be time
To take your turn
And make a realization

Patience is my life
All I have is time
But I'm growing

I am not the pity you see
When you look at me
I am beyond that
and so much more

I think of going away (sometimes)

Can I think we all been there?

Deep in our thoughts & feels,
Lost down a lonely road,
Confused of direction,
Sentimental with nature,
Filled with want & need
Pained with, well everything.


I go but will always come back

From ___  to reality.

Too many times to count,
I've changed
My mind.
Too many of your doubts,
Caused me to stay caged,
Disappointed to find,
Me.
    

                                      «c.h.b.»

If I am a wanderer,
do I have to be lost?
Where did I begin,
and will I see an end?

I won't call it "the end",
but "my destination to be"
It'll make everyone feel at ease,
even me.

Plan A could have pleased
My optimism equalled my confidence
Oh, how I wish it had worked out
I concluded it to be my only way out

I didn't think of a plan B, C, or D,
I didn't make it to E through Z
I'm right back to square one
I find myself stuck and alone

My optimism will peak soon,
I will see an option or two
Right now, everything seems meaningless
And everything I did incredulous

I'm not one to drift into the wild dark
My soul, intact or wounded, craves peace.
My heart, empty or full, leads and conquers
My voice, shaky or unheard, still comes from me.

I'll get to where I long to be
But I'm back to square one
And don't know where that might be
Forgive me, if I waste time
But I need it.

I hear the cry in your eyes
I feel your longing for peace

Am I as helpless as I fear you think I am?
If three syllables could move this mountain,

I’d scream it out loud,
mending our wounds,

Yours a worried soul,
Mine a unsettled heart.


<c.h.b.>

I wasn't born to live such a simple life
and then die
I am not here to follow rules
and abide everyone's wishes
I am not consistent.
I must have change.
Though, you may see it as a weakness
It is definitely a strength
It has showed me many loves
I love painting,
Drawing,
Sculpting,
Writing.
I love cooking,
Sewing,
Beading,
Baking.
I love kids,
Stories,
History,
Books,
Movies
And the good lord knows, too many tv shows.
I ride the waves of change to find a beautiful new view
Life becomes mine to live
And I love it

I may have made myself a nobody,
Almost invisible to the world,
But I see the theivings and decievings
Better here, on the outside.
I could tell you what I see and hear,
But should I ask for something in return
Just show me what's on the table.
We'll be strangers until your hearts content.
I don't lead nor follow.
I stay here on the outside.
I see and hear plenty to keep me aware.


                                                «c.h.b.»

Meeting my best friend whose first identity was my neighbor

A (friendly) doggo on every corner full of excitement and perhaps joining you on your walk

Feeling so confident that you know how to drive by age 13

The school, YMCA, and grocery store all down one street and up a left or down to the right

Friendly hellos and sweet compliments from fellow town members

The only thing brighter than street lights are the stars on a clear dark night

The smell of a wood stove or campfire burnin in the summer night air

The dirt roads behind the town roughed by ***** ole trucks and four-wheelers

It's not paradise but it's home to the heart

I came to my senses

It took some time for me to understand even myself

I let you go and I thank you

For letting me go too

I'm better but there's sacrifices

You are backing out of yourself again

I don't know what to do

We shall continue our paths

Happiness is close by

I don’t know who I am going to be tomorrow but
Right now,
I am a broken hearted fool.



«c.h.b.»

They say "leave your box,
Go out and make yourself known,
Without a care in the world.
Be yourself."
But what if your box is your world?
And you never cared if people don't see it that way?
Those close to you, especially.
They really mean, "Be yourself but just not like that."


                                             «c.h.b.»

I don't believe you
The word I wish you'd say
And mean  
It's only two syllables
Begins with "I am"
I'd be a sea of tears
Sooner or later
Life has become too difficult

Don't.
Worry.
About.
Me.

That's my job.
Let me take a nap and I'll be okay

I know what I’m about...
I just don’t know who I am.

There’ll never be a day,
You look through my windows,
As I’ll never see through yours.
But I do love surprises.


                                             «c.h.b.»

If I could grow to be 10 feet tall
I would be feared rather than listened too
It don't matter the size of me, my heart or my brain
But the amount of words, love and life I choose to emit
No one can tell you the answers
You have to find your love or loves in life
Your heart will glow and fill
Remember that wonderful feeling when you become so low


                                          «c.h.b»

There are still lessons to be learned.
His love tightens around her throat,
While his words take stabs to her heart.
Unconditional love makes up for her pain.
She's forgiving.
He's sick.
And I can't take it anymore.
I'm unfamiliar with the art of protecting and defending.
I, too, choke on my words.
As actions speak louder,
She will cry again.
I will give pass her a knowing look.
They will speak redundancy.
How much more can she take?
No more scoffs and oh's
She's the source of my stubbornness.
She's the only beginning I know.
She'll curse me to the pits for thinking like this,
Death can't come any quicker,
To this ugly fat f*cker.

I will not give up on myself
Because if I do,
It's weakness
If I love myself enough
I'll make it through

I looked forward,
once I saw a glimpse of a future
I finally took a step forward
It was exciting and exhilarating
It made my heart flutter
I craved accomplishment
I got my hopes up
I talked to myself through it
The possibility of it not happening
I mustn't of convinced myself
Because I fell to the floor
The window I stood by fogged up
I dropped the lit cigarette on the carpet of my own house
And watched it burn
I smoked myself out
I told myself I'll be fine
Four weeks later and I'm underneath the same bridge I'm suppose to be over
Head above water, feet kicking
Lungs heavy and eyes red
My mind, body, and soul
all undone
There is no stream strong enough for me
I am not satisfied with this
I experienced the high of life
I just can't seem to grasp the positivity
All I ask is you don't let me be
I could use what you got for me

When I look at the stars too long
They seem to dangle
on thin strings
Almost in arms reach.
I have to look away
And back again,
To see that they are actually light years away


                                      
                                              «c.h.b»

I refuse to be a person you walk all over
I play roles where I’m speaking my mind
Telling you, “you don’t deserve me.
I don’t deserve you.”
I couldn’t tell you with a clear mind.
I choose to say in forth coming fog,
Thick like your head, heart and skin.
I want to make you feel hurt, my pain.
Will words do that?
Do I want this?
I was everything before you,
Without you again, I’ll be something.
Something I can no longer be afraid to be.

It’s easier said than done.
Words that motivate only,
on the surface.
Then what?

It’s easier said than done.
I am not you.
You are not me.
But we stand side by side.

It’s easier said than done.
Speak to me.
Not at me.
Thank you for being you.

It’s easier said than done.
Don’t push me too hard
I just might leave.


I’ll be back....

It’s easier said than done

My mind is a dying forest
I must nourish it with knowledge
My ancestors live in one hundred feet tall trees

I have rivers
They remind me of time
And how much I have left

My heart belongs to the universe
I must leave it open