If “I love you”
Was a burden,
Would you still
Eagerly return it?

If “I hate you”
Was a warning
Would you still
Say it so easily?

“I mean it, really I do.”
Then why is it filled
With insincerity?

A joke,
            A bluff,
                         It always is.

But do you

Weigh
           The meaning
                                  Of the words you spit?

I don’t want to die,
I want to cease to exist.
To never have been born
And never have lived
For my soul and body to disappear
For any memory of me to be gone
To dissolve into nothingness and
Never have been anything at all

I, I’ve,
I, I’ve—

I’ve dug a grave
Deep into the ground
Filled with hail and rain
And foul

Words that burrow
Further
Than any other
Worm

Than any other
Word

Painted portraits
Contorted faces
They’re laced
With malice
And filled
With hatred

The pictures of the
Dead
They stare
Straight ahead

No goal
In mind
No destination
In sight

When they give their
Final bow
How’s the world to
Spin around

When the weight befalls
A fallen tapestry
Without a sound

Every step you take
Is disturbance
And breaking of the
Silence

The wake

That resides
With
The fallen,
The silent,
The gone.

And I think ‘bout
Everything
More than just
Anything

That the universe could
Give,

Sometimes it means
Everything
Sometimes it means
Nothing

At all.

A man would give all of
Him
Just to lose most of it,
Just to get some of it back,

Or nothing

At all.

If I were to tell you
All the stories
In my
Head,

Would you believe me
Even
If I
Said

That:

I see mortal war
Waging
In your
Plan,

I see me staring numbly
At the destruction
You are
Clad

In?

Fight me,
Fight me,
Tell another lie,

I’ll believe you
Once I die

And you close
Both my eyes.

Fight me,
Fight me,
Tell me again

That you are
Not
A foe,

But a friend.

Smite me,
Smite me,
Oh, God above.

Is my imagination
The same as your creation?

Spite me,
Spite me,
Oh, my dear friend.

Are you willing
To take me on

With your words
And not your hands?

I have signed a form
That I can’t turn back from.
I have raised a hand

Of which

cannot be undone.

I have held a blood-stained blade
That’s ruined another,
Scars, wounds, words and all,
Isn’t red a horrible colour?

Isn’t red a horrible colour?

I have made a deal with the devil
And it's given me a choice:

Be the monster
I always have been
Or
Fix myself
With a roll of dice,

Stain my hair
Bronze, silver and gold
Or
Dig through the dirt
At my feet,

Bite my tongue and
Hold my throat
Or
Clasp my hands together,
On my knees.

Isn’t red a beautiful colour?

Cold, cold ice,
And a

Roll of dice,
Do you

Hear the cries
Of the
Scamp’ring mice

Running
For their lives,

Biting
Down two lies,

And a
Broken

Set of
Eyes.

I’m not some ******* up *******
Wanting to suffer
And insult myself
For the

Sake of it—

I just sit around and. Regret

Because why would I make the right
Choice while I can

“?”


It’s an endless loop
That I can’t break out of,
It’s an endless loop

That

I can’t cope
With the consequences
Of my actions

And it’s not like I want to
die.

Maybe.
Somehow.

I know my death won’t solve all my problems.

How do I cross
a line that hasn’t been drawn,
How do I hold
the might of a thundering storm,
How do I kiss
the sea until it withdraws?

How do I break
A wall that hasn’t been built,
How do I pick
the flowers without letting them wilt,

How do I kiss
The sea until it withdraws?

How do I
Kiss
The sky

Until it withdraws?

The world has never been
so quiet or loud,
So slow yet fast,
So full yet empty,

And even at the risk of
Life or death,
We still snicker
under
our breaths

And whisper like it’s gossip—

Joking about the heat,
How stuffy the air gets,
How squeaky our shoes are,
How creaky the tables are—

Quiet murmurs that loudly echo
In the suffocating silence

Like rats sneaking away,

Or ants tracing the lines

That have been ingrained into
The floor after years and years
Of torment,

Or the tiles in the ceiling

That have been
dented
and marred,
Dusted and wiped.

Even in the darkness there’s small
Beams of lights
from phones
Turning
on and

computers being typed on.

The decorations are hushed,
The colours are faded,
Not as bright as they used to be,
Couldn’t be.

The wind burns with
foreboding
And the sun with
impatience,

It doesn’t end even
When it’s over,

For everyone is
still

Running.

Am I real,
Are you real,
Are we real,
Is it real,

Can I feel?
Do you feel?
Can we feel?
Does it feel?

Is the sky really sunny?
Is the water really running?
Is the wind really whistling?
Is the sun really blistering?

Are we products
Of a conduct
That relinquishers
Are fond of,

Are we subjects
To a subject
Where the solution
Is reject,

Are we fools
To a tool
That doesn’t know
It’s being used,

Are we falling
For a faux
That’s already been
Exposed,

And do we really know

What’s real?

As I sing this song,
I sing with ghosts,
Sit with the lost,
Harmonising with those

Who tell a tale
That’s long and old.
With an ending
That’s never been told.

They show me all
The grief they’ve seen,
Peeling paint
And tear streaks.

I think I’ll stay here for a while,
Until the world quiets down.

I look into the mirror
That’s
Foggy and blurred,

And wrap myself around
The shape
I see in return.

Put a face to name,
And name to face,

Turn my back and suddenly,
That’s

Not

The

Case?

Watching from afar
As another cries,

Helpless to do anything but
Keep it inside

And escape the mess
that’s only mine,
Navigate the maze
Inside their mind.

Holding out a hand I could never take,
slamming on a door that I couldn’t

Break,

But now that you’re
holding out
the key to

me,

One can finally
See—


Past the

mirror

Image.

Sometimes it feels like
I haven’t done anything right
That’s enough to care about
And somehow
That’s worse than
Doing everything wrong,
At least then,
it’s noticeable
Enough
To care about
And deep down I know it well
I shouldn’t fall back
into bad,
Bad habits
But I can never help it
And
It doesn’t matter anymore
which way I go
Downstream or uphill
I’ll follow life’s flow
And if I don’t end up
where I yearn to be
It doesn’t matter
‘Cause it wasn’t up to me

A lighter in my hand
Cigarette in the other

My mouth hurts like knives
And my stomach eats at my insides

The tiny stick catches flame
And smoke rises with my pain

I inhale the relief and waste
And whatever else it contains

It’s a tiny minute fire
Like my dying desire

To die in a six foot deep ditch
With nothing but my pack of cigarettes

And a busted overused lighter
I hope it catches my body on fire

When dirt covers my rotting corpse
And flora starts to grow

Don’t put a gravestone over me
For I do not have a name to be known

By the world the life and sun
It can’t get me anymore it can’t make me want to run

I hope flowers grow over my body despite the fumes
Like the smoke and soot that I consume

It’s so much easier to like
Them
Isn’t it?

Much more convenient
For you
To walk away from me

And make up

A million

And one

Excuses
Why you need to leave.

Would it really hurt you more
Than me
To tell me in my face that

It’s so much easier to like
Them

Isn’t it?

Fly me away
To the moon
And fill my head up
With all of
You.

A million restless nights, and then
A million
More.

Haven’t you had enough
Time in my head
To settle the
Score?

I close my eyes
And let the truth fade,

Blissful ignorance
Is what brings me no
Pain.

If I pretend not to know
So much,
Too much,
Will you stay the same?

Woken up from a dream,
the world the same
as it’d been left
My bed still creaks,
The sky still rains,
The birds still scream my fading name
My heart still beats,
My legs still break
I’ll burn to death in the wildfire
And wake up,
Still the same.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for something more.

Sometimes, I look out at the world
and wish for someone more.

I long for something out there
to make me
the vision of myself that I want to see.

But roads will wind and twist and turn.
There’s no way to go back,

I fear.
No way to change the person I’ve become.

A million regrets,
a million setbacks,
there’s everything that I would change.

I don’t know everything,

I don’t know anything,

all I know is I’m me.

And maybe

that’s all I need.

What if I’m not enough
for
  you?
I know that I’m not enough
For
  You.
Is it too much to ask
For praise,
  a smile,
   a laugh?
But I’m met with silence
And it’s breaking me down
When will it be okay?
When will you at least
glance at me to say
That I’m anything worth
acknowledging?
Is my effort in vain?
Am I walking the wrong direction,
Or was there never a right path in the
First place?
Do you hear anything I plead,
Or was I never talking to you at all?
To a brick wall?
No,
To the empty expanse of void where there’s
  No
   one
To hear my words
Except myself
I want to hear your voice
But I can’t
Because at this point
I can’t hear anything.
Not because I’m deaf
But because you were right
And I got tired of my own
                                                Voice
But for my sake,
For my life’s sake,
Is it too much to ask
That you’ll wait for me at the end of the tunnel
And tell me
That that light
Was ever a chance worth taking?
Or
Was it never meant
for me at all?

We can never be normal again,
We can never be the same again.
Is that how things were always meant
To be in the end?

I see you in the bathroom mirror
Looking back at me with the same face
Every time I go back
To that place.

Was it ever, really, truly home?
Or the only landmark you know?
Will I ever go back to that room
And talk to you?

Did we actually mean it as a joke?
Or was that the only way we could cope?
Will   I   ever   go   back   to   that   room
                                                            ­       And     talk
                                                            ­                         to     you?

Slumped against a wall
Around the back of a
Home,

A week without a rest
and just
A lifetime to
Go.

A golden crown rests heavily
on my head,
Achievement rests light on
My heart,

Bracing for the second when
I start
Seeing stars.

Success is sacrifice,
And sacrifice is pain.
What is a winner without
A life of cruel shame?

Happiness is temporary,
Climbing the ranks is
Life.

I look at fate,
Fate looks back at me,
And I accept the hardship
with

A smile.

I stand on a cliff,
at the edge of the world.
Letting the wind and the sky envelop

me.

I run for it.
I run for the adrenaline and the life.
The ground breaks beneath
my feet

I float with the air,
the sun is in my hands.

The world crumbles.
Nevermind,
the stars still look after me

even as I
awake.

I love you more than anything.
Now,
           I’m breaking apart to the
                                                        ground.

I’m wasting my minutes
                                            And hours,
                                                                  And days
                                                                                      And weeks
                                     Andmonthsandyearsand—

I love you more than anything.
How,
          could you be so
                                        everything,
                                                              anything.
How
          could you love
                                      someone,
                                                        something
                                                                            like me?

My insides smell like
Cinnamon

But taste
like
wilted

flower petals;
Dry,
bland,
Dead, gone,
Desaturated colours
in my pupils

I melt into a pile of ash in
The ground

With the rest of the infertile soil,
With the insects
With the lush green grass
and the birds
and their nests full of twigs
And chirps
And songs
And hums
And sounds
That echo
That resound
That stay
That fly

With the sky.
Buried with my name.

Until it turns to night,

Then the
moon
and
stars

come out

And
I

Hide

A

W

A

Y

.

When the world grows
too loud or too fast,
it’s a good idea
to take a step back
and huddle away
into an empty space
where neither sound
nor time
can hurt you,

let silence envelop
your soul—not your self.

Eventually
the grass will grow
and the wind will settle,
all will slow
like in a lush meadow,

and far away
will the struggle drift.

The sky will grow white
with clouds that never rain,
gardens will grow green
without a single ****,

the sun will beat down
not bullets but care,
that nurtures the grass blades
through growth
and lifts the vapour into
the air.

Dimensions and galaxies will
pause,
for the universe cannot
feed.

And all will be.

Is it my fault
That I look at someone
And feel repulsed
By the way their
Body flows?
That I can’t look at anyone
And not rip
And pick apart
Every little flaw they have;
A crooked smile,
Lopsided eyes,
A tilted nose,
Hairy limbs,
Flaky skin,
Tilted lips,
An asymmetrical face,
A too-big forehead,
Puffy cheeks,
A bloated stomach,
Humongous thighs,
Giant arms,
A wide frame,
Bushy eyebrows,
Monkey ears,
Uneven feet,
Messed up hands,
A normality in a flawed creation
Yet it’s all that catches my eyes
When I look at
People in the lifts,
In the shops,
On the street,
In the corridors,
In a home,
In a room,
In the mirror.
“Wrong! Wrong!” My brain screams
In terror
It’s right, I suppose,
That monster in the reflection must be
The consequences of an
Error.

I am the words they carved
Into my skin,
The amalgamate
Of everything I’ve sinned.

My hands light fire to all that
I can touch,
Burning for a day
Before it turns to dust,

It turns to dust.

“Fight fire with fire,” they spit,
Doesn’t make it not
Burn like acid.

Rain pours down
Onto my skin,
And sure enough, it
Hurts like acid,

Like
Acid.

Didn’t mean a single word that they said,
Doesn’t mean
You didn’t mean
For it to happen

My arms are made of wood,
And yours are steel.
Just because you’re in pain
Doesn’t mean others can’t
Feel,

Everyone still feels.

Everything still
Feels.

“Fight fire with fire,” they spit,
Doesn’t make it not
Burn like acid.

Rain pours down
Onto my skin,
But it doesn’t make it not
Burn

Like

Acid.

If you really love me,
Why won’t you show it?
If you really love me,
Why won’t you say it?

Why won’t you show me that
                                                     you
Don’t love me anymore?
Why won’t you tell me that you

Don’t want me anymore?
That you don’t care, you don’t care,
You care? Don’t you say?
Why don’t you walk away?

Why won’t you send me away,

Like how you
                         Always
Let my presence          fade?

Like how you

                         Loved me?