I don’t know what
love
is
When I can’t even bring
myself
To love someone
else
who loves
Me

As self-centered as it is
I can't help but stray
away
And hold myself back from that

Heartbreak

And


Grief

It’s killing
Me

And
I want nothing more
than to be
close to someone
That will hold me
close
like in all those
sappy portrayals
Of love,

But it doesn’t
come

I lay around


And wait for something
New.

I know the end;
like the harsh shine of the sun,
and the soft glow of the moon.
One comes around,
and the other turns away.
Like a grand finale,

into a fresh, new start.

I know the end;
like coastal waters.
Rushing to the shore
and drifting away,
bringing when it returns

cold tsunami, or gentle wave.

I know the end;
like a distant friend
that laughs over the phone,

sometimes you never meet again.

I know the end,
it’s closer than one can see.

But after the end,


comes a new beginning.

I crave validation.
I want—no, need it like a lifeline,
Like a child in the face of a sweet treat,
Like a bird to a worm writhing from the ground,
Like a starving man at the mere sight of food,
Like a wolf to whoever dares harm its pack.
It sears through my body like white, burning pain,
It rips me of my sight to consequence,
It’s a drowning poison, yes.
But how am I supposed to let go?
How am I supposed to not look at any sort of praise and think,
God, I want that.
It tears me apart like a knife does in snow,
Jelly,
         Water,
                     Air,
But I would be a liar to say that isn’t what I want.
Is it a fault of mine that I desire with all my ****** up being
for something that isn’t a momentary
“Okay,”
              “Alright,”
                      ­           “Good job,”
                                                       “You’re fine,”
It’s not, it’s not okay or alright or good or fine,
I need someone to scream at me that what I’ve done is perfect,
More than great,
More than amazing,
More than wonderful, or spectacular,
More than perfect.
And if I can’t have that,
Then at least yell at me that what I’ve done is nothing,
At least beat the ****** **** out of me
And tell me to go **** myself.
Because that hurts less than
A bunch of half-hearted responses that
I never know how to interpret over text,
And never know how to comprehend in speech.
Just spare me the misery, that’s all I need.
I’d prefer you be cruel than make me guess
What you’re thinking.
Because it always eventually occurs to me that
Neither what you’re thinking or saying
Are the validation I crave.
So just save us all the trouble
And put me out of my ****** misery
Already.
Because if I’m not everything,
Then what can I be but nothing?

Happiness comes from
somewhere

far away


Happiness comes from
what the world could not stave

For I reach out to the light

but inside I find
nothing but a reflection
I face
no comprehension

and I reach out again
with

nothing;

in my hand,
my heart,
my soul,
my self,

unbeknownst of the answer
I already
held.

There’s more times than I can count
That I’ve wondered whether I was enough.
That I’ve wondered if I was good.

I can’t create art that people fall in love with
I can’t be there to support those I love
I can’t be pretty or smart or socially acceptably good.

I don’t know why
I really don’t

Sometimes I feel like
I’m not trying hard enough
And sometimes I feel like
I’m trying too hard
For something that can’t happen

So tell me,
For all that I love,
Am I enough?
Am I good?

I care. Really, I do.
I’m a monster and a ******,
                    but I still have a heart,
                                                albeit rather
unfortunately.

I’m trying my best to be
   less of a no one and more of a someone,
                                                        more of a person.
To care more,
          to love more,
                     to take less
                        and give more.

I don’t care if it leaves me

broken.

But in some way I still

do.

It’s selfish to put myself before everyone else,
                                                          Yes, I know that-
And it’s horrid that I think I should treat myself
to the privilege of wanting something
that isn’t going to go to
                         someone else.
                     Yes, I know that too-

And it’s such a pity that I can’t bring myself
to tear my heart out of my chest
or rip my soul out of my body
and give it to you like I desperately want to.
Because I care.

Really,

         I do.

Another year rolls
around.
Another step into the world,
out

there it is,
there it stays.

In front of me,
and I think;

What to do, what’s anew?
I could step into the downpour
and let the rain
fall down on me.

But I sit at home
Lay down
and let my mind wander.

What to do, what’s anew?

A million empty promises
I won’t see through.

Sun beating down
the tide comes around
with the gusts of
wind—adrenaline

rushes by as the sea
hushes the rustle of the trees
and the blinding rays of gold
lining the clouds above

Like a tear in the blue
And the light shining through
The comfortable blanket
the tangled net

That is a peaceful day
Coming to an end.

Don’t leave me here alone
Where I can’t see
Where the light won’t consume me whole
When it was never meant to be

I’ve wished on a shooting star
that isn’t really there
And God forbid I stay in that
Place where no one really cares

But I can’t run forever
From this inevitable cave in
A hundred shattered glasses
With bloodstains that I kin

Melted sand, whatever,
it’s my own ****** loss
But not even the fine print
Ever told me the cost

To being alive
To waking up per day

So if I stay in the darkness
Don’t be surprised if I don’t come out again.

Axe in my hand,
head in the plan,
blood pools around my feet

Where I stand.

Raised in surrender,
Fallen contender,
Will you still be in front of me
When the war has ended?

Arrow in my hand,
A face off in the plan,
Guilt pools around my feet

Where I stand.

The price that you pay,
The winnings I take,
The sacrifice

I am

Unwilling to make?

Don’t die on me now,
My heart kisses the ground,
Winter melts away as the
Sun comes around.

I drop to my knees
Among the dirt and wheat
As I fall to a man
As unloving as me.

Your claws in my own,
And an evil that goads
At us
laughs at the victory

Of taking your throne.

I hope when I’m buried
Under an aging tree
I see your face,
carved into the bark

Staring back at me.

Sometimes nothing feels real
  Like I’m floating in some fever dream
     And unable to heal
          I gaze at the stars and think

                What if it’s all faux
                         What if it is all a dream?
                                      But it feels like I’ve stooped too low
                                                 To wait around and see

                                                                   Play around and
                                                                see

                                                                                Maybe it was never real
from the start

       Maybe the only thing fake was a part
                  Of
Me.

Do you, too,
Look up at someone close
And wonder
How
They go about their journey
Without you?

Do you
Feel like you’re staring
Through frosted glass
At
some stranger
Who’s face
You’ve seen before?

Do you look up at the
Sky,
And see not a single
Star?

Do you
feel like you’re
Too close
To someone
you really love
But never really
Knew.

Do you?

Do you?

Is it just me
Or
do you,
too?

If I had a wish, it would be
to walk the moon or hold the stars,
to venture Mercury or Mars.

If I had a wish, it would be
to wander across the ocean
and sail the seven seas.

If I had a wish, it would be
to overcome my fears
and conquer all my dreams.

And if I had a wish,
from a genie or a shooting star,

I reach out for it,
oh,
so
far.

If I can’t love like you
Won’t you love me too?
I don’t really know
how to show

That I care

That I want
To be
That person in your life

That makes you smile

That makes you laugh

That makes you feel

Better

But I can’t do much
But burn your
pretty skin

And break your
pretty heart

And wish I was
like you.

If I was a bird my wings would be clipped by a kid running around with scissors because its parents didn’t really care or shot by a man with a gun because the government doesn’t mind.

If I was a shark I would eat a meal that contained plastic scraps because proper trash disposal wasn’t a thing or get caught in a net and have my fins cut off to be sold on a market full of people who would eat anything they could get their hands on just so they rest of me could be thrown back into the water to rot and waste away.

If I was the sun I would have to exist knowing that people scream at me to burn hotter and brighter or dimmer and colder every second, minute and hour because of the extreme climate they gathered on their own planet.

If I was an angel my halo would be ripped off my head and thrown away like trash or I’d be on earth like every cliché romance plot ever and get shot and dissected by “scientists” who claim to mean good and crave to do bad because there is a reason happy endings only exist in fictional stories.

If I was human I’d be nothing short of disappointed.

Then again we are never good at being anything more than hypocritical.

Worth anything?
It’s killing me
Worth anything?
No, that can’t be.

My failures and mistakes
make up who I am.
So when you tell me that it’s okay
What am I supposed to say to that?

How could I live?
How
Could I be?

When you’re so far
And I’m alone,
When you’re not there
For me

To call

Home,

To guide me
By
My
Hand?

To tell me who the
Hell I am,

And where
I
Should stand?

Leave me
Here to go,
To go bone dry,

And run away
From
A million eyes.

Run your hands back
Through my blood

And tell me,
Really,
That

You’re not gone.

The reaper can take my soul when
I don’t want to
go to sleep
Or think or cry or feel or hurt or know,
Or live.

I’ll burn and burn, a flaming waste
Of broken glass
And broken words
The world wouldn’t stop to grieve
Or stop to see
Me die,

It’d continue to spin how it’d always done
And I will fade away.

In peace.

Humiliation is a
Tool,
Allowance is a
Fool.

Your status depends on
The control you can
Hold,

And those whom you can
Fold.

Your life depends on nothing
But a silver
Tongue
And a
Golden eye,

A burning will to live
And a will to
Sacrifice.