Before moon comes out to show
Lack of progress I think I'll get drunk
Could make better decisions
Life is easier to flunk

I look down, hide my shamefIul eyes
Heart lays in the dirt
Wrung out, tossed aside like trash
Can I run from this hurt?

I placed expectations high
In the wrong box, the wrong shelf
Cannot disentangle, stuck to my mistakes
Try but fail to fix myself

**** it, I am gonna get high
Life too short to live sober, full of sorrow
Rather die tonight with smoke in happy lungs
Than survive an endless number of substance free tomorrows

Open myself up for you
Bleed out my dreams, hopes, and fears
Leave them, a pile at your feet
You walk away
You see my wounds, you leave them untreated
To grow infected, painful
In your hands; gauze, tape, a needle and thread
The tools to fix me and take away my pain
Instead you stand and watch
It hurts, I cry and plead for help
You give me none
Share no comfort
Lend not one helpful word
Shine no light to guide my path
Aching body has had enough
I am too broken to fix now
I am too hurt to love
Instead I watch you watch me
Until I've lost all strength to go on
You are watching me die

I think I am still in a state of shock
Staring vacantly at the wall
Trying to ignore my phone, the fact
My inbox has zero missed calls.

I'm pretending you miss me
And any moment my pocket will ring
I will pick up and hear your voice
Saying you take back every hurtful thing.

Need to touch your skin again
This empty bed haunting me
This is not what I meant when I said
"I cannot wait til the day that I'm free."

Each time I close eyes at night
I replay words in my mind
Wonder how the last few weeks
I could have been so ******* blind.

Why didn't you tell me sooner?
I whisper when you are not around to hear
After all, today was the date that would have marked
Us being together an entire year.

I could have listened and you could've shared
We couldve worked it all out
But waited until now to inform me
This is what you've been thinking about.

Think about the love we share instead
How can you not feel it anymore?
What did I do? What's the hell happened to you?
To change our romance from the way it was before.

I ponder if you're happier now
Sleeping in bed alone
Than you were laying with me
Bet you're fine all on your own.

Reminders of you everywhere
Scattered across my room and head
I cry when I think about how many times
We have dreamt together in my bed.

People assure me it will get better
That I have to be strong
It's hard to act like I'm okay
Every breath I take feels wrong.

One day will be at peace with myself
Wounds on my heart will completely heal
Fingers and hands will no longer miss yours
I will finally conquer the sadness I feel

I won't feel split open and apart anymore
As though emotions are exposed and on fire
I am unable to put the embers out
Warmth in this dungeon of desire

Soon enough I'll set all seductions free
Stop throwing chances carelessly away
I am letting go of baggage one final time
Finished, flaws far too heavy to weigh

Always felt I was born frailer than most
I didn't feel accomplished or strong
Not receiving earned recognition
Standing my constant state of wrong

Say good words about others
But give insults to my ears
I feel lonely, I must be unwanted
Doubt the root of my greatest fears

Help me understand my worth
Love ugly parts at my core
It hurts, it festers, shame an ever-present ****
Please stop it, my whole body becoming sore

**** concern before it burrows beneath
Destroy it or else it wjll dig too deep
Harness inner power and will
Halt insecurities, then they'll never seep

Say I'm doing okay when asked
In the mirror hate the person I see
Tell everyone I'm fine though I know I'm not
Because eventually a day will come where I will be

Fear: what keeps me up at night
Can't escape its dark hand
I wonder if I will ever be free
From torture I can barely stand

Suddenly I am so confused
Which way am I supposed to go?
Want to lie so you don't see
There is so much more you don't know.

Slowly I'm unraveling
My mask wearing thin
I am spilling my heart to you
Why am I so scared to win?

This is not a game of make-believe
All of my mistakes are real
Everywhere I turn I find
I am trapped by what I feel.

These close walls are my security
Risks I cannot take
Every time I talk to you
They threaten to break

I hardly recognize the face
Staring from my reflection
Mirroring a complete stranger
Who desires perfection.

Seconds slowly fall away
Like sand through an unending sieve
My heart's telling me to stay
Despite the fact I should leave.

Where can I run to?
Is there anyone I can trust?
When shadows are dancing
With wind and dust.

I am going to take a risk
Though it may seem strange
I know this is right for once
I am going to listen to my heart for a change.

Do you still love me like you once did?
Im starting to feel like you don't.
Where did those feelings fly off to?
I want to change for you but I won't.

Am I able to turn around and avoid a collision?
If not we will be left with more careless aches.
Is there enough courage inside these bones to be better?
Still making the same stupid mistakes.

Are you tired of my selfishness yet?
I can tell you are by the tightness in your jaw.
Didn't I warn you to stay far away?
It seems my ice is too thick to completely thaw.

I let you go to lift the heavy weight
But now I'm trapped by indecision
If I am so free without your chains
Why does my heart feel imprisoned?

Wonder if you are with someone else
If so, does she get more than I did?
Now that I am gone, it's probably easier for you
To reveal parts that from me you always hid.

Maybe you found a girl equally ****** up
Who's flaws mimic all of yours
Someone who cares as little as you do
More concerned about future scores.

I will never be perfect for you
My thoughts are too deep for you to understand
I hope you find someone easier to satisfy
Content with holding your emotionless hand.

I wanted to be yours forever
Our love only lasted awhile
Your next girlfriend may be what I'm not
But you'll always miss my smile

Your hands shake, we stand outside,
Cold fingers gently grazing my cheek,
It's cloudy, the wind rages around us,
Sky looks desolate and bleak.

When you strip me with your eyes I cry,
Scrubbing skin with my sleeve,
I hate for you to see me like this,
This ache I cannot relieve.

Withdraw from your cell, hold me,
Only you ease my pain,
Told me it would be okay,
Peace I cannot attain.

To experience this void is torture,
No happiness to be had,
Being apart from you so long,
Is slowly driving my heart mad.

I miss easy days and nights we shared
Before dishonesty blew us apart
When we were eachothers best friend
It was much better at the start

Poured my heart into your ears
Told every fear, scar, and tale
Let you see ugly parts
Dirt beneath each fingernail

Hit me up every day that first summer
All your free time spent in my kiss
I could see feelings for me were real
Your company is what I really miss

Never were into dancing
Self-concious, shy, scared someone else might see
When we were out and music came on
Had no problem swaying with me

Would go where we wanted, wild like horses
By your side I felt like royalty
Shackled to your lap, my discovered throne,
Had no crown yet still a queen with your arms around me

Began over a bottle of Smirnoff
You coming to my house
Little did I know in the moment
All the worries and intense feelings you'd rouse

I am not saying I regret taking a chance with you
Can hardly imagine a world otherwise
I exist in the confines of my decisions
You inside labyrinth of lies

Fell for my passiobate spirit
I was still full of life; innocent
My love for the universe has faded since then
You witnessed my sparkle before it went

It was winter as soon as we blinked our eyes
Cracked like ice our hearts were doomed to break
Shards slicing through tender tethers
You apologize for making yet another mistake

Closeness that once was so simple to find
Disappeared when demons took charge
Spent many nights fighting them, and you
Dangling issues powerful and large

Lullabies switched to sad reverie
With every careless word and decision
Can you remember who we were before
Lies put us in this prison?

Loved you more than I loved myself
Loved you far too much for my own good
Gave you all I could, and would do it again
Before we broke we had something pure and good

What is happening to my spirit?
I am losing touch with who I am,
Fallen far from where I was,
Too ****** to give a ****.

Leaning on toxic substances sweet,
Mind wrapped, thoughts of oblivion tight,
No sunshine visits this tired place,
Only endless burnt edges of night.

Exhausted, nowhere to rest,
Without light to guide my way,
No moon or stars appear in my dismal sky,
They faded to dust one somber day.

I continue, directionless, weary,
Realize I'm getting more lost,
Stubbornly walking the wrong road to escape,
Determined to fill veins with warmth at any cost.

Out of sync, out of patience and time,
Nearly out of good luck
Waterfalls in eyes begin to overflow
Rain I cannot seem to dodge or duck.

Red puddles form, pools on arms,
Evidence of yet another failed plot,
Look for magic that does not exist,
Expect to find in a bowl or shot.

With each I feel less and less there,
No motivation to see tomorrow dawn,
Day in, day out, it is the same routine,
Harvesting the flesh I depend on.

Night drags, no morning in sight,
Flying with prescription pair of wings,
Soon I will crash, a spectacular comedown,
The air laden with dread and melancholy things.

This time of year reminds of lost days,
Better moments, it was effortless to laugh,
Weeks and months went faster than I liked,
Bliss found in an old photograph.

Golden glow of juvenile wonder,
Wasted in midnight frightened mistakes,
Have not seen that innocent side since then,
Only smiles that appear now are simply fakes.

I am waiting for the tides to turn,
I will be carried back to shore,
Far from depths of disappointment and dismay,
To a make-believe land, I won't feel lonely anymore.

Arms tired from treading thick water,
Starting to sink to bottom,
Legs about to give out for good,
Wouldn't mind if they caved before Autumn.

What if I built a boat to bring me across oceans?
A plane to sail to the skies?
Sea rushes too quickly, no time to start,
To avoid crashing, cut silver ties.

The white clouds are now my only map,
Detailed, woven from incorrect waves of hindsight,
Hide the sun, golden glow burns eyes,
Covering progress, I venture out at night.

Basking in the moonlit cloak of guilt,
Far from peace am I,
Close as I let myself get I suppose,
Can't seem to reach it and I don't know why.

Fell into the ocean
Swimming in deep blue eyes
Then it started storming
Waves took me by surprise

The floorboards and bedposts
Became soaked with rain
In the midst of the downpour
We were left with pain

A girl who did not know how
To be strong, she was alone
The boy whose love for her
All he'd ever known

Caught a few tears before they hit the ground
I sit and let them fall from my eyes
Soon face will be red, lids puffy like clouds
They remain that way after each drop dries.

I am attached to the habits that hurt me
Falling in love, sight of blood, and drugs to name a few
Darkness regardless of outside forces constantly stalks
Got caught in its mystery, it knocked my life askew.

I do not think it will leave my side
It follows, a second shadow
Growing used to this presence filling days
I no longer fight or resist my unyielding foe.

Even in empty misery
I find comfort in knowing whatever the amount
It is the only constant I can rely on in this bitter world
Lived with lonely despair too long to count.

Words are pouring out of my eyes
No life, no sound, can reach voice
Love and pain keep trickling down my face
Anguish I'm feeling didn't come by choice.

You find yourself forgetting who I am
What about those nights wasted chasing a gram?
Do you keep memories by the side of regret?
Amongst expectations you never met

I was aching, you never seemed concerned
For a long time thought indifference was what I'd earned
Then you crushed every important dream and hope
You proved how much more you care about dope

This is the end, grey clouds are rolling coolly in
Reality stings, makes my head spin
Silent destruction I try to ignore
Can't make you go forward anymore

I love the one who
Hurts me the most, you hurt the
One you love the least