My consciousness has been elusive—
Most thoughts are intrusive.
Subconscious stays refusive.
I breathe in and eat up nature,
hoping it’ll be my savior—
Turn all my bad memories into
Distorted visualizations and vapors.

i’d really love to thank her
for being so, so strong.
for not taking our life
when everything was wrong.
i don’t know how she did it,
the flashbacks paralyze me still.
must have been nothing
less than strength of will.
even sometimes now
i’d really like to back out
but i hear that small girl screaming,
“we can’t just give up now!”

i already miss flying
high above myself,
unaware of every ****
i should be giving.

i plant flowers in my
wounds instead,
fully aware—I feel them
grow from me
& bloom.

painful, beautiful.

and so powerful.

I used to find power in
deflecting
neglecting
rejecting &
subjecting myself.

healing is hurting.
healing is hurting.

hurt people hurt people.
but healed people heal people.
and maybe sometimes they’re the same person.

i have a heart
i can feel it

i tend to never feed it.
like this body i neglect,
also the heart inside its chest.

i  hope one day i will wake
& give a **** for goodness' sake.

on the horizon
pastel clouds float
swirled by the breeze

underneath them
in awe of their color,
i only feel blue.

like the sun
we may seem great
and like the sun
we may know we’re not.
the sun knows that
she is one of the
smallest red giants
in the universe
and she knows to
become great she must
take up more space.
engulf those near
into her flames
to become bigger, brighter.
and we sometimes feel this, too.
that we must take up more space
to become bigger, brighter.
until like the sun we
will become so big that we
burst, becoming small again.
we are like the stars,
especially the great ones.

you aren't aware of how lonely i feel when you're around.

feels worse than missing you.

selective moods
outer space grooves
universal perspective
limitless dimensions

who do you
want to be?
why?
when?
where?
with who?
how long?

stand still.
rest your breath here.
remember what you are—
a starseed visitor on earth.
stand still.
stop rushing yourself to find worth.
you are priceless right here.
worthy right here.
stand still.

i don’t know where i’m going.

they said if we worked hard
we’d get somewhere.

but were we stupid to think
that only hard work would
take us there?

our work ethic is on fire
but our hearts were stripped bare.

i’m a robot with no name.
i’m of service to you —
here’s your fake smile.
oh, and your latté, too.

how did we become so
consumed with keeping this
machine on track?
it’s not my machine.
i want to get off the track.
but my debt always says,
“you better go back.”

sometimes my
voice escapes me

my chest so tight
like being stabbed with a knife

throat dry
heart racing
breath quickens

for what reason?

if my head weren't attached
i'd lose it in seconds.

no. milliseconds.

my head is more like
a beautiful bouquet of balloons
i hold tightly with both hands

when i'm doing too good
i get so excited that

WHOOPS!

i let them all go.

and then i'm jumping
like a ******* idiot
trying to gather them all.

but they float away fast
and i'm still jumping
while others tell me,
"it's okay, they always come back...
well, after you f i n a l l y calm down."

but i can't calm down
i lost my balloons.

of course, eventually, they do come down.
deflated and strings tangled
(or missing)

i gather them
try to untangle and repair them
and hold on tightly
with both hands
once again.

here's to you
and how all the ways
you love me
have taught me
how to love you and myself.
i'm forever yours.

i'm dreaming
of wildflowers
fluffy clouds
across the sky
finally feeling at peace
and lemon cheesecake.

creating my own
magic and peace
i’m keeping my head
in the clouds--

sometimes i look down
& i can see
all that i find
**** near debilitating.

most things are overwhelming.

i can't help it that
i can be overwhelming, too.

am i ******* crazy or are you?

i can't tell and it's putting me
in a pretty ****** *** mood.

everything's back and forth
back and forth
back and forth

i hope my thighs
never shrink to the size
i wish they were

where else would my
beautiful furry friends lay?

if anything i hope
my thighs double in size
making more room
for furry friends

wide awake
eyes darting back and
forth
heart crashes like a wave
into
and into
and into my chest

i should be doing something
something
something

something

something

some—alarm goes off
it’s 3:30 AM

time to get ready for work

a sparkle in your eye
a baby girl's cry

how's she going to spend
the rest of her life?

reaching for perfection
fixing her complexion
and sense of direction

dodging
society's inspections

her father's aggression
her mother's traditional-housewife obsession

trying to escape their
suffocating protection

became an adult
run away across the country
for a new angle of reflection

trying to forget
trying to have no recollection
of their projections
on her own perceptions

learn who she is
over and over again

question question question

she's spending time making
connections between
the past and the present

dad doesn't think it's important
to address his life's trauma.

instead, he takes it, as his father did
and passes it to me with both hands flying from all sides.

mom doesn't think it's important
to address her life's trauma, either.
instead, she helps father pass it on with the,
"wait until he gets home."

she is too traumatized to pass it on herself,
not so traumatized that she can't help pass it
along with the help of another.

and i take it from them, carry it all--

finding safe places to hide it.
finding safe people to confide in
who may see the light in it--
maybe even help me carry some
before i drown in it

or worse:
before i pass it on, too.

emerald linen edged with jade
a book titled with my name

and it’s heavy.

i flip through the pages
but they’re blank.

or maybe they’re written
in a way i cannot see

or maybe it was never written at all.

or maybe it’s a reflection,
an empty book, an empty me.

& maybe I’ll write it someday.

a week ago
i turned 26.

two days ago
i hurt myself again
for the first time
in four years.

this time i didn't
use the little blades
from my razor.

this time i
got more personal.
used my own fingernails
to dig deep for the life
i'm scared to live
beneath this skin.

then i took some
deep breaths in
& restarted the journey again.

sometimes it seems there’s no escape from your mind when life twists your light.
you can’t recognize yourself anymore after all your stars collide.

on the horizon of the black hole in your life full of lessons past,

a self-destructive mind remembering
the heartbreak,
the ungentle death of an interstellar cloud—

pain so hot that you explode
birthing brighter stars.

but you still feel small.

smaller than the earth you walk
that is smaller than the sun it circles
smaller than the galaxy it floats in
that is smaller than the universe they reside.

but they don’t know they’re small
and neither should you,
full of galaxies. you are a universe.

but a universe can yield violence beyond comprehension.
with every heartbreak, and with every tear,
a lesson making you think twice—

did i do this right?

these are not times you should wish to reverse,
these are just the actions of a restless universe.

simple like rain
on a window pane--
it all sounds the same
drip drops
turn to hurricanes.

simple like rain
the tree branches sway--
wind passes through
whispers secrets to me and you
as the sun sets in the afternoon.

simple like rain.

a warm cup of coffee
with cinnamon and honey

a little bitter, a little lovely

but hot as hell just the same

we go night swimming,
then wake early to watch sunrise.

blue wash
watercolor sky
and cactus-covered
rolling hills on the horizon.

only going 50 in a 45
because we want to get
there quickly, but not
too quickly.

or maybe we're just
trying to keep up.

all of these nerves--
creating wildebeest
stampedes in my
stomach.
hope they're wrong
about the future.

the fear is
consuming.
but i don't even
know why.

life's really crazy sometimes.

grasping at things
not meant for me.
they slip from
my hands so
easily.

feeling
    hopeless
          helpless
full of fear.

what does the future hold?
they say it gets better
and i'm screaming

WHEN?

today i feel like
my heart left my body
and my brain left my head.

everything feels wrong
and nothing feels real
and i can't believe anyone
or even myself.
everything is distorted. contorted.
out of focus.

the stress runs through my body.
and sometimes there's a fire
in my stomach and i scream
****** ****** to put it out with
the tears that eventually come.

and i look at myself and almost
wanting to strangle the person
looking back at me i ask
over and over,
why
are
you
like
this

you asked me if you are the
first person to make me believe
in love.

i told you,

no.

but you’re the first to make me
believe in love again.

sun rays reach down and
hold my body in a warm embrace

as a light breeze puts rhythm in
the trees and whips my hair around my face

i feel at home in this place.

forever waiting
to learn why i was put here.
where do i find purpose?

i'm trying to paint away the sadness
one color at a time.

i paint
bright kaleidoscopic skies
strong, swaying trees
a brave blue wave
a million pretty pastel floral arrangements

but none of them can cover up
the blues of my sadness.
the reds of my anger.
the black to blue to purple to yellow-greens of my bruises.

i still try to paint away the sadness
one color at a time
until the scenes i paint on pages
become the ones in my real life.

i’m a zombie,
only half alive.

i’m a ghost,
i don’t even know
what i look like.

i’m out of touch with myself
and everybody else.

i haven’t heard my voice in weeks,
i’ve forgotten how to speak.

my mind is in knots.

there are so many twists and turns
that I can’t seem to follow
and I’m getting frustrated.

where is the start and where is the end?
and why is it so confusing?

i can’t sit still—my legs want to get up and go
but my brain is too tired for that right now.
i stay seated and try to untangle what is
the big grey lump in my skull, trying to figure out what it’s trying to say.

but it’s illegible and i can’t,
like a foreign language I don’t recognize.

hopefully as i spill out on to what was a blank sheet of paper i can break through those knots and maybe comprehend the load of thoughts running through and around each other in the space of my body that has been assigned to them.

i only wish i knew for certain that there would finally be a break through and that i will know what I should be knowing.

gathering myself might help as I feel as if
i’m spread across a massive surface that
i can’t seem to find all the pieces of myself on.

but how can I find myself when I barely know myself?

when i find out, i’ll let you know.

like the stars in the sky that I admire
every night and miss when they’re gone.

like the trees, so green,
that let me breathe more clearly.

like the vast, blue ocean I stand before
that satisfies my hunger for something beautiful.

and like the red, beating heart in my chest
you keep me well and alive.

i always have
the urge to run.

but what is it like
to be a tree?

to be confident enough
to root yourself
and grow with
wild abandonment,
being unapologetically
you?

i'm still running,
but i wish i knew.

you are so cute when
you hold our dog.

you're even cuter when
you're making me laugh.

your smile is so big
it could swallow the sun.

it swallowed my heart
& i'm okay with that.

sand squishes between my toes
as ocean waves wash over them,
coming and going.

my thoughts come and go
with them—
i try hard not to
hold on too tight

but i just love the way it feels.

we walked through
campus together.
the sun was shining,
purple and gold
flowers lined our path.
in the fountain outside
of the library
birds were bathing
and the campus cats
were sitting in the
bushes, only admiring

because they know better than the boys on campus what not to touch.

just take some time to
unclench fists and soften gaze
you deserve to relax

and when you think you've tried it all,

dig deeper.

i'm not doing this on purpose
i just wish i knew
how to be a person without
having to think it all through.

i wander through my days
with a fog before my eyes
i don't know who to talk to
or if i'm even alive.

it's difficult to live when you
spend almost all your time
fantasizing about death
and that's the only real thought in mind.

i just wish i knew
who to be
where to go
what to do

she tells me through tears

you want me to fix you but i can't.

i look up at her as my brows unfurrow
and my clenched teeth relax.

and all i can think is,

well, if you can't then who can?

but the answer is clear

it's me.

and my eyes turn into waterfalls.

i escaped 2,226 miles away

in hopes of finding
what i've been missing

in hopes of escaping
your
deadpan
tight-lipped
cold stare

in hopes of
peace

what i've been missing
all along
is me

overshadowed by the
hatred of myself
built by you

overshadowed by the
thoughts of suicide

why would i want
to be me when
my own family doesn't
seem to want me

and i know i'm not
the only one with a
story like that but

knowing so doesn't really make
this much easier to handle

i will admit that
i've had a lot of help
and i'm beyond lucky
to have the family i chose

they teach me things like

just because you used to be
doesn't mean you have to be

and

patience and kindness can
tear down the tallest walls

the ones i’ve spent my whole
life building just so i didn't
have to feel all of that **** again

but i’ve been
getting better at getting better
at 2,226 miles away

i think i’ll stay

the mist from my dope
coping mechanism
tickles my nose and my lips

the corners of my mouth
pulled upward as my eyes
turn to slits

i sink into the couch

cuddle my dog

ahhh, i ******* love this

looking at
sedona red
rock layered majesties

against bright, cerulean sky
and marshmallow clouds
droplets dripping, pecking our cheeks

sitting on
the balcony of a casita
holding hands with my peace

surrounded by forest green
and buzzing honey bees
they mingle with the flowers

and i mingle with my peace