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wide awake
eyes darting back and
forth
heart crashes like a wave
into
and into
and into my chest

i should be doing something
something
something

something

something

some—alarm goes off
it’s 3:30 AM

time to get ready for work
03202019
elle jaxsun Feb 17
a sparkle in your eye
a baby girl's cry

how's she going to spend
the rest of her life?

reaching for perfection
fixing her complexion
and sense of direction

dodging
society's inspections

her father's aggression
her mother's traditional-housewife obsession

trying to escape their
suffocating protection

became an adult
run away across the country
for a new angle of reflection

trying to forget
trying to have no recollection
of their projections
on her own perceptions

learn who she is
over and over again

question question question

she's spending time making
connections between
the past and the present
02.15-17.2018
elle jaxsun Jan 11
dad doesn't think it's important
to address his life's trauma.

instead, he takes it, as his father did
and passes it to me with both hands flying from all sides.

mom doesn't think it's important
to address her life's trauma, either.
instead, she helps father pass it on with the,
"wait until he gets home."

she is too traumatized to pass it on herself,
not so traumatized that she can't help pass it
along with the help of another.

and i take it from them, carry it all--

finding safe places to hide it.
finding safe people to confide in
who may see the light in it--
maybe even help me carry some
before i drown in it

or worse:
before i pass it on, too.
had to get it out. probably gonna rewrite it a few times.

hope everyone's having a great 2019 so far.

edited: 01292019
elle jaxsun Nov 2018
emerald linen edged with jade
a book titled with my name

and it’s heavy.

i flip through the pages
but they’re blank.

or maybe they’re written
in a way i cannot see

or maybe it was never written at all.

or maybe it’s a reflection,
an empty book, an empty me.

& maybe I’ll write it someday.
I had the pleasure of working with Boi again! This time I shared my poem and he gave me some awesome ideas for adding more concrete images into the poem. If you'd like to check out Boi's awesome work, you can find it here: https://hellopoetry.com/swoopingevil/

Thank you, Boi!

Original (11/19):

a book with my name on it.
i flip through the pages.

but they're blank

or maybe i just can't read them
or maybe it was never written
and maybe i'll write it one day.
elle jaxsun Nov 2018
a week ago
i turned 26.

two days ago
i hurt myself again
for the first time
in four years.

this time i didn't
use the little blades
from my razor.

this time i
got more personal.
used my own fingernails
to dig deep for the life
i'm scared to live
beneath this skin.

then i took some
deep breaths in
& restarted the journey again.
yikes. isn't it so scary to be so honest with yourself?
elle jaxsun Nov 2018
sometimes it seems there’s no escape from your mind when life twists your light.
you can’t recognize yourself anymore after all your stars collide.

on the horizon of the black hole in your life full of lessons past,

a self-destructive mind remembering
the heartbreak,
the ungentle death of an interstellar cloud—

pain so hot that you explode
birthing brighter stars.

but you still feel small.

smaller than the earth you walk
that is smaller than the sun it circles
smaller than the galaxy it floats in
that is smaller than the universe they reside.

but they don’t know they’re small
and neither should you,
full of galaxies. you are a universe.

but a universe can yield violence beyond comprehension.
with every heartbreak, and with every tear,
a lesson making you think twice—

did i do this right?

these are not times you should wish to reverse,
these are just the actions of a restless universe.
elle jaxsun Oct 2018
promises made easily
are easy to break.

even easier when
it's not you and yours
at stake.

ensue heartbreak, worse than from a lover
i loved each berry in the patch like no other.
I started a job I really wanted about a month ago and was just let go from it already. I was a co-teacher in a preschool and the class was called the Berry Patch so there's a reference to them. There were about 20+ two-year-olds in our class and they really brought such great joy. I'm disappointed in the actions of my employer and am really happy they let me go anyway. But it still really ***** being away from the kiddos.
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