They say,
If you are comfortable
in your own skin,
you will never be lonely

I tell them,
It's not that I am uncomfortable,
it's just that my own beating heart
is not loud enough
to echo off the walls
of my too-small apartment
on Saturday nights
when the city
is just starting
to wake up

They say,
You should not crave
a relationship
to fill the hole of loneliness

I tell them,
I do not crave him
for the sake of company,
because I breathe on my own terms
and I yearn for his presence
no matter who is around

They say,
Loneliness can be cured
by looking inside yourself

I tell them,
I have looked,
and I see a girl
the rest of the world
should miss when she's away,
but whose absence
never seems to be noticed

The sound of my footsteps
is ringing in my ears
because the music has died
and the pizza
has soaked up
all of the alcohol

But you are still
pounding in my chest

There are too many things
I still want to do with you

Baseball games
in the blistering heat
so I can Instagram our love

Trips to the city
I'll tweet about
just vaguely enough that people wonder
what we did all night
in that big hotel room

Swimming with sharks
getting likes on our Facebook photos
and jealous messages from our friends

Our relationship
was always set to private
I guess I liked it better that way
but whether or not my friends can see it
there are too many things
I still want to do with you

Please don't be done with me yet

I didn't have that much to drink
I could see straight
I could walk straight
But my mind was cloudy
With thoughts of you

I pretended I had more than I did
So you would answer honestly
When I told you I wanted you here

You thought it was the alcohol talking
The whiskey telling you
I need you next to me

It was just me
Lonely and desperate
To feel wanted by someone
Three thousand miles away

I have always noticed
That while this city is filled with females
The library is filled with men
Middle-aged; average, maybe less
Sitting at computers
Afternoons
Weekdays

Today I saw them, for the hundreth time
I finally realized
These men have nowhere else to go
Some of them, maybe
But nowhere they would rather be
They're looking for jobs
To feed their families, themselves
This library is their 9-5
No qualifications necessary

I sit in the Bates Room
Surrounded by green lamps and wood tables
Books line the walls, and the gray clouds do not let the sun shine in
The image of academia, the most scholarly of steeples
A man sits across the room
In a navy hat and gray sweater
Book open in front of him
Exactly halfway through

He dozes off
Time and time again
The security guard wakes him up

People walk in and out
Taking pictures and admiring the architecture

I wonder what he's thinking

I could fall in love with you

I could fall in love
with the way you kiss me--
like I'm a drink you can't taste fast enough
and always leaves you wanting more

I could fall in love
with the way you call me--
like you just heard the best joke
that you cannot wait to share

I could fall in love
with the way you leave me--
like a mother scolding her child
you will hit me with a hard goodbye
that stings upon contact
and is healed by your constant presence
from that moment on

I could fall in love with you
but I will not
in fear that the kisses and the calls will stop
and you will leave me for good

I could fall in love with you

I sat on your bed,
confused as to why you asked me to stay
Your sister downstairs,
left to think what she wanted

You sit down next to me,
finding the courage to touch me
Your hands move lightly,
fingertips brushing my back, my knee

Our fingers collide,
but we are feeling too much to stop
Left waiting,
the back of your hand pressed to my leg

You stare at my lips,
I realize how dry my mouth is
We both know what's coming,
but neither is brave enough to start

It won't be much longer,
you press your forehead to my shoulder
With one sweeping motion,
darkness overtakes the room

I see nothing,
but feel your mouth against mine
Three months separated,
distance finally closed with open lips

the sentences
in our romance novel
are laced
with the most distinct
punctuation
you might think
we changed the font

it is not perfect
because we were both always
struggling
to be the writers we wanted to be
but it's alright
the fundamentals are there

we might add in
more detail
just to be sure
the readers know
we are in love
and I hate to leave out
that time
your fingertips
grazed my knee
(what time was that?)
to compensate
for our differing memories

our chapters
do not match up
because we are reading
two versions
of the same story
written
by different authors

the only thing
blatantly missing
from our book
is the title

but isn't that
what most authors
do last?

A little less than a year ago, you kissed me in your room
I spent the rest of the weekend freaking out because you didn't talk to me
I thought you regretted it
I thought I had done something wrong

A little less than a year later, you did more than kiss me in your bed
I spent the rest of the weekend thinking that things were fine
And then your best friend posted on Facebook
That you were searching for a girlfriend

I have no idea what you think about me
If when people ask about your love life, my face flashes in your mind
You call yourself "very single"
But if I know everything about you, including all your friends
If at the end of the night, you're the one tipping the bartender
If no matter how many girls you meet, I'm still the one you call
If you've started treating me the same when you're sober
Does the word "very" still apply?

I would agree with you--you are single
You can do whatever you want with whoever you like
Just know that it's at the expense of my heart

They say that there's always someone who cares more
I like to think that person is you
But you have nothing to lose
My heart starts to break every time you talk about another girl
I never say a word about another guy
It's only you
So maybe you do care more, but I'm the one getting hurt
Tell me, how is that fair?

That was the summer our electric bill went up
because as soon as the sun went down
I would light up mirrors
that I stared down for hours
in hopes that I would lose

My self esteem
with every inch I lost
from my arms, legs, fingers, chest,
but if I could just take a few more
from my waist then I would be

Mentally unstable and out of control
as I stay in line with 1,200 calorie days
and sit-ups before bed
because a coworker offered me a cookie
and I couldn't say

No one should have to feel like they're dying
in order to feel beautiful
but how can you fly
when your wings are too heavy
to get off the

Ground level is where I am right now
but at this point I'm used
to taking the stairs
so the top doesn't look
too far away anymore

We were barely teens together
and now we're barely sober
on opposite sides of the country

I see photos of her,
sparking thoughts I wish I could erase

She gained so much weight,
I wonder what happened,
She used to look so good

In my critical analysis of her figure
(I could earn a PhD in Judgment of Others)
I miscount the curves of her face,
the shadows falling where they should not be

Her cheeks, I see
(they've gotten bigger)
but I forget to cancel out
the inflation from her smile

Every time I used to run to you
it was raining
because maybe when we walked inside
we didn't want the cold and discomfort to end

I have never minded the rain
and I told myself that the flooding
occurring in my heart
was okay,
because a little water never hurt anyone

Eventually, the walls collapsed
because a little water
a lot of the time
will break down even the toughest stones

After the rain,
you're supposed to see a rainbow
and that's what you tried to give me
but instead I had a water damaged soul
with nothing left inside

You cannot control the weather
and you called to me again
but this time you were the one running
in the late night cold
we have come to know too well

Early in the morning
I heard you whisper
as you looked out the window,
"I've never seen the sky so bright"

Maybe I didn't get my rainbow
instead, a white light breaking through the blinds

"It looks the way it does before it snows,"
I reply
as you wrap your arms tighter around me

Maybe my rain has turned into snow
Just as cold, but more beautiful

I have run out
Of people to run to
When everything is falling apart

I touch my hipbone
And this one spot beneath my chest
Ever so slightly
When I want to feel better
About anything

I wish the earth gave you an option
Night or day
For when you need goosebumps from the sun
Or a calm, cool silence

Sometimes broken
Is better than bent
Because bent might break later on

"Don't play hard to get,"
you say,
but I thought we weren't playing at all
because the labored breaths
and extended silences
we exchanged instead of words
were the conclusion to our never-published,
still-in-editing,
fairy tale love story

Your eyes held on
to the tears that had formed
so that they never really fell

And I held on
to our unspoken romance
and fell harder than expected

I thought I was the one
who jumped
but not without a little push
from you

I can't say I blame you
you just did what was best
but I guess I wasn't prepared
for best
to feel worst

So Boy,
I am not playing with anyone
or anything
(except with my necklace,
when I think about you)
and you are still plucking away
at my strings,
so softly
that I almost didn't notice

I guess I'm too familiar with the sound
to ignore it

The other day
I thought to myself
Maybe I am over you
Maybe I am holding on
To feelings that are no longer
Growing on their own

Today
I saw a picture
Of you and a woman
More well-known
Than you could ever dream of being

A week from now
She won't remember you
What you look like
What your voice sounds like
And she doesn't realize
Just how lucky she was
To even learn that today

In a few months
I will see you again
And I can do nothing
But hope
That you will touch me
In a way
That you will never touch her

If I had gone home with you,
like I so badly wanted to do,
what would have happened?

Would you have continued to whisper
your go-to lines to me,
the ones I'm sure you use on every girl you meet?

Would you have touched every inch of me,
or would you have stayed clear
of the parts that have too many inches
that aren't worth touching?

Would I have felt safe or afraid
or guilty or wonderful
or lonely or at peace?

Would you have asked me to stay?

If I had woken up
early in the morning,
like I always do,
would I have woken you up, too?

Would your arms have been wrapped around me,
as you did all night,
letting me know that, in this moment,
I am yours?

Would you have felt my body shift
searching to find the perfect location
and would you have wrapped your arms tighter
or would you have rolled over,
giving my skin the first taste
of the cool morning air?

Would you have woken up
wondering who I was?
Would you have been pleased to see me
or disgusted
that your drunken eyes have much lower standards?

Would you have kissed me as I left?
Would you have said goodbye at all?

Would I have spent the rest of the day thinking of you?

When the weather turned warmer
Your heart turned colder
Told me that we were over
Autumn would mean fall
But not fall in love
This was the end of me and you

My friends always said you were a liar
They ended up being right

Last night, you called me
Just to tell me that you miss you
That all you wanted was me by your side
You asked me to come to the lake
My sleepy eyes smiled at the thought

I dreamed of being with you again
Your family there as well
Sitting under the hot sun
Feeling nothing but happiness

It's raining tonight
Just like that first night we spent together
My stomach sinks because I wish you were here
I smile because I can tell you these thoughts
Knowing that you feel the same way

Maybe this will be a new start after all
Maybe we will grow in the ways we always meant to
I can only hope that we can change in just the right ways
So that we might work together

"I'm going to sleep," I tell you,
but I will lie awake for hours,
tracing up and down
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my ribs,
pressing down and gently grazing,
contorting my body,
until I feel exactly what I want

Maybe if I lay like this,
sleep like this
for hours,
I will become the person I see in my dreams

The smell of stale alcohol
and a slight pressure
upon my shoulder blades
greeted me
with cold air
and the winter sun

I thought that perhaps
my dreams had been reality
and that you were lying next to me
like so many times before

I opened my eyes
to find mascara-stained pillowcases
and blankets twisted
into a maze of confusion
and bitter disappointment

Life will keep running,
even after you've asked it
to please slow down
because you are having a hard time
keeping up
and your lungs feel
as though they might collapse
any moment

You are not the conductor
on the Train of Life,
nor do you have the power
to tell Him
which direction to go
when there comes a fork
in the tracks

Life has many doors
for which you do not
hold the key
and sometimes
we need to wait
for someone to come out
so we can slip inside

Lucky for us,
while we have a coach
who gives us a play,
it is the players who have
to carry it out
and there is always
the opportunity
to make a change

I remember the first time you kissed me.
We had escaped the loud echoes of your drunk friends,
and left my too-sober roommates to wait for my return.
Your best friend ran up the stairs after I left,
I skipped down the street as the girls called after me, questioning.
I remember the smile that would not fade,
the one that gave all of the answers away.

I remember the second time you kissed me.
We drank too much wine and sat too close together
and told each other too many things.
You yelled at me to stop talking so much,
I asked you questions you pretended not to hear.
I remember the way you kept trying to leave,
but how you did not want to go.

I remember the third time you kissed me.
We got into a fight that you tried to fix
with an overnight stay in the room where we first kissed.
We didn't talk about the fight.
I told you things I'll never forget because I knew you'd never remember.
I remember the way you tried to kiss me in the morning,
and how I left, pretending I didn't know.

I remember the fourth time you kissed me.
That night, I realized we would only ever be friends
and then our hands kept touching, our legs intertwined.
You asked me to tell you everything and anything,
as you wrapped your arms around me.
I remember the way I could see you, looking at me,
out of the corner of my eye when I was too afraid to look at you.

I remember all of the times after when you kissed me.
Graduating to morning, then afternoon,
private to public, drunk to sober.
You kissed me for all reasons,
and no reason at all.
I remember the way you always smiled afterwards,
and how it always made me feel sure.

I remember the last time you kissed me.
It was too early in the morning for there to be time,
my eyes couldn't tell if the sun was awake.
I waited and waited for there to be another one,
but there wasn't.
I remember thinking of all the other kisses,
and knowing too deeply that this would be it.

the heat in the pit of my stomach
is so familiar,
tears run down my cheeks
when I try to suppress it

I wish I could write
words like your eyes:
bright, kind, and
long as your eyelashes
so they seem to last
forever

I wish I could turn
your mouth into my alarm clock
because your kisses
are softer
than any song
and it is harder
to close my eyes again
after seeing your smile

I wish I could bottle
your voice
and wear it as perfume
so I might be followed
by so sweet and warm
a smell

I wish your touch
could be transformed
into clothing
I would wear in times
that quiet is preferred
and loneliness
is unwanted

She stands with her hands clasped together, fingers entwined
at the high table in the corner of the restaurant
Staring outside at the big city
Praying that some day soon her luck might change
Maybe someone might come along and take away her heart
Maybe she'll be able to quit this job
Bringing food to children and happy families and couples celebrating their 6 year anniversaries
And maybe she'll get to have some happiness of her own
But for now she cleans off the tables
Because it's the end of the night and everyone is gone
She'll go back to her apartment
Turn on all the lights
And pretend she likes the silence

The way I think about you
on these days
is different

It is not the casual thoughts
I have about the way
you looked at me
that one time
we tried to study together

It is not the replaying
of when you kissed me
at the bottom of the stairs
that night everything
fell apart

It is not the daydreams
of how I might return to you
in just a few short days

It is when I get this feeling
deep in my stomach
that I think
would most commonly be paired
with the phrase,
I miss you

It is often on these nights
that I get to hear your voice
or in the following morning
when I wake up to see
that you tried to call

It is almost as though
I could sense our connection,
that maybe,
wherever you were,
you were missing me, too

I singe my hair dry
so it stays perfectly straight
even as I toss it over my shoulder
pretending I don't care
about your overused compliments
and your cinematic lines

I fill up my pores
with liquid lust
so that when I force myself to turn away
my skin glows with the kind of confidence
that can only be bought
in drug store chains

I rip every leg hair
from it's follicle home
so that when you graze my knee
with your lying fingers
you feel my vulnerable skin
and touch my soul in a way
that freezes my body to stone

I pull on the tightest dress
in hopes that it squeezes out
my crazy, romantic thoughts
and leaves nothing but the curves you desire

I speak perfectly chosen words
that I barely hear
because they are not my own
but they will win you over

I do all of this
just to come home alone
at the end of the night
and crawl into my bed
and think about the guy
I would rather have performed for
during this production

"Where is this going?"
you ask me, breathless

I know you are inquiring
about the next 5 minutes
but I cannot help but consider
the next 5 years
as I spill out words
that affirm the next move
you have been patiently waiting to play
for months

and the word friend
flashes in neon lights
behind my eyelids
as I think about your arm around my waist
in the bar just a few hours before
and your mouth pressed to my head
aggressively whispering
"Stop."
on the way home
when the heat in my chest
started to build
after looking at your phone

"We'll talk about this later,"
you tell me definitively
and so in the cold December air
you tell me that I deserve better
and that you do not deserve my suppressed tears
that might freeze if they fell

As you turn on the lights
so you can see what you're doing
I lie in your bed
now knowing
what it is like to be in a relationship

(but please don't use that word)

It feels as though
There is a tightrope beneath my feet
A blindfold surrounds my eyes
And in my heart, a heavy beat

I am not sure how long I have been walking
Or how much farther I have to go
Nor if I fall,
How many lifetimes it would take,
To hit whatever's down below

There are days I feel like wings
Have sprouted from my back
And I feel like I am light as air
Running swiftly down this track

Sometimes I feel like falling
Just to see what's underneath
That maybe on the ground are your arms calling
I haven't the faith to take the leap

Most of the time, however,
I am trying too hard not to shake,
My balance is the victim here
When my time, I choose to take

This tightrope I've been walking
Has been braided so carefully
By all the words I ever think
And let out
So carelessly

Perhaps I am too heavy
To walk a rope as thin as this,
Weighed down by burden, lies, and stress,
One wrong step,
Would I be missed?

No one
is ever sure
about you and me

So I guess
we'll be a theory
of love
in which everyone
has a different opinion
on what would prove
to be the most effective
way to proceed
from here

It will never be proven
and it will be
an unsolved mystery
where the author
doesn't give you a hint
of what might have happened

We'll be a theory
instead of a fact
because theories
can change
as I know
we will

You are crushing me once more,
Weighing down on me so I cannot move.

Is it that I cannot? No, I can.
I am afraid to shift under you,
But what's the worst you could do?

**** me-
It would be less painful than the torture
You are currently inflicting.

As the morning mist sprayed against my face
my mind splashed through puddles of memories
from a time when we came as an unfastened pair

The depths of my eyes saw darkness,
playing backwards the night you kissed me
in an effort to peacefully disturb my soft sleep on your hard sofa

Your arms squeezed me closer when I shivered
from the coldness of the air and your heart
but my soul started to melt, nonetheless

I stared at you in anger and betrayal
as you smiled at a virtual girl
whose name still twists my stomach into knots

The sunset surrounded us when we walked
in a way that felt like nothing could go wrong
because the air was crisp, and your voice was clear

You rolled your eyes at my decision to dress for rain
but kept moving forward
in an attempt to tell me that you wished you cared more

I didn't tell you why I was upset that night
until six months later when the weight of your body
suddenly seemed too much to bear

Third time's the charm
and you've only ripped my heart out
twice

Let me drink the poison
one more time

The first time I was quenching my thirst
with salt water
in hopes the wounds
would heal
and then I swallowed the sea
because my sailor
would not look at me

The next time
I closed my eyes
at the sight of the waves coming
so I cannot blame you
for pulling me under

I will stay afloat this time
unless your anchor has grown
and you still find a way
to drown me
in the tears I created

I won't know until I try

I wonder
If you'll spend hours
Staring at your phone
Waiting for the reply
My friends told me not to send

I wonder
If you wanted
Something to make your beer soaked lips
Curl up into a smile
Something to warm your already
Over-heated heart
Or if maybe
You just wanted me to know

I wonder
If when I didn't respond
You went down the list
Of girls that might care
Unless that's what you were doing

I wonder
If your friends knew
The nameless ones I don't hear about
With whom you have a summer built bond
Strengthened by drinks of the same nature

I wonder
If you'll find a plastic placeholder
When sleeping alone
Becomes the loudest thought

I wonder
If you'll wish she was me

I fight with my hands
so they do not begin
to trace deep rivers on my stomach
that always lead to my hipbone basin

I flex my palms
and admire how my knuckles protrude
when I relax them again

My cheek bones can be felt
with a light pressure
and everlasting insecurity
but my chin never thins
quite the way I want

I pull my hair elastic forward
so that it sits right before
my perfect wrists

I admire my knees
as I sit in a tight skirt,
eyes trailing upward,
smile getting smaller,
thighs getting bigger

I tell myself I am better
and then I am alone

Our greatest fear
is often
being wrong,
but what is so good
about being right?

People who are always right
never learn to get up
because they never fall down.
They never taste
the sweetness of victory
after their mouth was filled
with the sour taste of defeat.

People who are always right
learn by retaining,
not by doing.
They are simply sponges,
collecting data,
barely in need of their brain.

People who are always right
do not get rewarded
because no one cares
about the one-shot triumph,
if the five hundred tries
are more interesting.

We are afraid of being wrong
because we think it means
that we are weak.
Being wrong,
however,
really just shows
we are human.

I was the only one
Who you never taught to fish
Because I didn't want to learn
That weekend we were at the lake
It was your 80th birthday
And I said
Maybe next time
Not knowing
That there wouldn't be a next time
But that weekend was still my favorite
At the top of the list
Of all of the weekends I've ever had
Because I spent it outside
With the people whose blood would match mine
If they were to fall
On those stone steps
That look like God put them there himself
Surrounded by the most beautiful trees
Leading to the shimmering blue bowl
That He drinks from in the summer
In the blistering heat

You wouldn't say so
That He created this masterpiece
Now engraved at the front of my memory
But you called to the birds
Because you knew they would answer
And you swam in the bowl
Because you knew it would be cooler than the thick summer air
And you cast out your line
To see if the fish would come
And they did
But only to you

God speaks to those who will listen
And the fish come to those who know how to call them
Because the water and the forest and the fields and the sky
Were your church
And you prayed with your hands
When you tied the line
And whittled the wood
And you thanked with your eyes
When you watched the birds
And admired the trees
And you spread the Word
When you sang back to the insects
And called to the animals
As if you knew what you were saying to them

You came alive in nature
And it came alive with you
Not once did you complain
About the heat
Or the cold
Or the bugs
Or the waves
Or the weeds
Or the storms
You knew what would happen
And that it could not be controlled
Because nature had a plan
And that plan meant taking you
Earlier than we had liked
But not too early
For you lived your life completely
And now you are one with the earth
Perhaps Mother Nature
Did give birth to you
And now the breeze I smell
And the sun I see
And the birds I hear
And the grass I feel
Is you

You might not have taught me to call the fish
But you taught me to never stand with my back to the ocean
So it would not push me down
If you stand with your back to the ocean
You cannot see the waves
Breaking in their strength and glory
They will beg for your attention
Look at me
They cry
Look to the horizon
Going on forever
Watch the sun set
Watch the light slip away
There is darkness in this world
Face it, head on
Watch the stars start to shine
Your little pieces of light
Look for the moon
Almost as bright as the sun
Watch the sun set
Because tomorrow, it will rise

For the first time
I smell jealousy on your lips
instead of alcohol-induced love
(although I think that's in there too)

You tell me your sister
thought I was trying too hard
in my favorite dress
(which I bought for $15)

We do not touch
but we laugh
for longer than expected
(over something so painfully small)

My heart pounds
and the world stops spinning
as I wonder if I'm in love
(quickly I suppress the thought)

Make poor decisions
like eating too much ice cream
after a long day

Be selfish
when things are going wrong
and you just need a nap

Put others down
in a different chart
so you do not compare your successes
to theirs

Be greedy
and want the best
for yourself

You are my dragon.

You breathe fire
in every direction
and burn down
what your breath touches
so that everyone stays
far, far away.

You guard my castle
in fear that someone
might come inside
and I will no longer
be alone.

You fight off princes
that might possibly
want my hand in marriage
so when they lose
you can tell me
that they didn't
fight hard enough.

You are my dragon.

With you,
I know I am safe.

Without you,
I know I could be free
to live my life.

I hope not
that a prince comes
and slays you
but rather
that you fly away
on your own accord.

Sit alone at lunchtime

Learn how to think
about something other
than what others
are thinking
about you

Sit alone at lunchtime

Play a scene
of wonder and excitement
in your head
and do not worry
if others can see

Sit alone at lunchtime

Destroy the self doubt
you fill up with
prior to chewing

Sit alone at lunchtime

but not all the time

just sometimes

A few months ago
I found comfort in walking
dangerous streets
alone
drunk
tired
upset

I could have walked
for hours
because the feeling
of something possibly going wrong
soothed me

Perhaps whatever I may have met
on those dangerous streets
would have been more real
more terrifying
than the monsters I faced
with closed eyes
and a clenched jaw
each night
and every morning

I no longer
see those streets
with blurred vision
but instead eyes
that cannot look in as many directions
as I would like
because that gum wrapper
might not be
what I think it is

Maybe my fears are fading,
no longer stored inside
where no one can see them

Maybe my walls have broken
and I feel too vulnerable
to face anyone I may encounter
because I am not confident
that anyone else
would come
to my rescue