What I like about naps in the summer
Is the way it doesn't matter
How hot the air is
You still manage to fall asleep
The warm breeze does not cool you
But it feels so friendly
Against your skin

I love the way the birds
Sing a lullaby
That weighs down your eyelids

I love that their song
Is just the smallest bit different
When they raise them back up

I love how you have to wipe back the hair
That now frames your face
Yet your skin feels perfectly dry
And how the heat had built up
Under your chest
But now you finally feel cool

I love how you can sleep for a few minutes
Or even a few hours
And the sun will still be shining when you wake
As if you haven't lost any time

I love the way a glass of water
Is like paradise after a summer nap
A cure for the sleep induced hangover
That's made tolerable by the sun

I love the way it feels
To be born again
Into the same day
And see it with new eyes

it isn't until the rain
hits the hardwood floor
that I remember
how rain used to be ours

I remember the mist
in the sky and our eyes
when I wore this same shirt
and we broke all the rules

I remember the puddles
that first night together
and the rain on the roof
as I tried not to sleep

I remember the reflection
of rain clouds and sunshine
when we whispered like snow
the earliest we ever awoke

the lightning flashes
and I pray you will so quickly
arrive at my door

I always wondered what you thought
when you kissed me
because your eyes always remained shut
as if you did not want to open them
and see that it was me
So I watched you
before, during, after
and sometimes
I thought I saw you smile

I always thought that maybe
you wanted the kisses more
than you wanted me
and I was squeezing into a space
smaller than my body
but I would do,
for now,
and I stopped smiling
just in case

I always noticed how you kissed me
on the cheek
and on the top of my head
and on the shoulder
when I was not looking at you
as if you were trying to break through
and send it through my veins
straight to my heart
and I could not help but smile

I always assumed nothing would change
and the fake love we had
would remain in the dark
of your bedroom with beer in our blood
and we would act cordial
the following week as we sat in class
People would say to me
I didn't realize you two were friends
as they saw you smile at me

I never realized that a day would come
when you would kiss me
when the sun was up
no longer hiding
from the rest of the world
but you did
and afterwards
you didn't do anything but smile

We'll fall in love
with a thin layer of smoke
between our lips
and a soft mixture of beer
and blood
running through our veins

We'll fall in love
in the dim lighting
where your eyes will hold mine
for longer
just in case
I can't see you perfectly

We'll fall in love
every night we spend together
and every morning
we'll duct tape our feelings
to the dusty floor
beneath your bed
until we pretend to find them
at the bottom of the stairs
the following weekend

We'll fall in love
without ever doing so
because that would be
stubbornly revolutionary
just as we are

Someone else's illness
won't make your cold any better

Someone else's tsunami
won't stop your wave from pulling you under

Someone else's hurricane
won't stop your thunderstorm

Someone else's novel
won't make your sentence meaningless

Someone else's depression
won't make your sadness go away

Someone else's excitement
won't diminish your happiness

Someone else's better
won't take away your best

Someone else
won't be you

I hope the next time
you feel beaten and broken
you remember the night
everything fell apart
and you could do nothing
to stop it
and you called me
afraid
in hopes I might fix it

Please don't lock yourself
inside your messy cave
and pull the blinds
to avoid the bright sun
as you sleep in past noon
something I've never known
you to do

Reach out and touch me
like that night we stood outside
in the misting rain, freezing
and exchanging puffs of air
filled with honest compliments
and your warm arms wrapped around me
as the sun started to rise

I'm not sure I can stop you
from running away
this time around
because my words will not speak over
the wounds being inflicted
by your careless friends

I would kiss the cuts
if you let me
but for now
all I can do is wait

I cross the street and you cross my mind
Carefully trying to avoid the pothole
But what does it matter?
I've fallen for you already

I once caught my breath in this spot
Shortly after, you took it away
At the moment where the city becomes visible
Looking to where the sun rises
You told me I was not your morning memory
But I always found my way into your thoughts

All day I had been trying to insert myself
Into your life, conversation, mind
Fighting with a girl who used the secrets I told her
To fund her vacations from pinky promises and movie nights

My voice must have hit the perfect spot in your ears
Because the beer you bought me kissed my lips
In a way that reminded me of you
And your hand on my knee was more comfortable
Than the yoga pants I was embarrassingly wearing
In a bar on a Sunday night

I tell myself the bright headlights shining in my direction
Are the cause of my blurry vision

It rained
the first time
I spent the night in your unmade bed

It rained
the last time
I watched you turn off the lights

It's raining
and I wish it was one of those times
when you would kiss the top of my head
and wrap your arms around me
when you think that I'm asleep

Even though my hands were cold
I felt the heat trying to break open my veins
As you laced your fingers around mine
And pulled my knuckles to your chest

I could have bottled the sound
Of the heartbeat I felt
Reverberating off my bones

Your thumb was no longer molded
By the teeth marks I created the night before
But instead it lightly circled my own

It would have been alright
If we stayed like that all day

There is nothing I regret

Not that time
I stormed out on the party
telling him I had nothing
left to give

Not the day
I didn't apologize
for treating her
like I was better

Not that night
I kept my mouth shut
when he crawled into bed
and we both knew I was mad
about something

Not that day
I finally let out
every thought
from every time
I had held my tongue

Not the many meals
I skipped
in fear of gaining
something other
than energy

I don't regret any of those times
because without them,
I would not have learned
that not all men love equally
and that some will leave you speechless
and others,
breathless

I would not have learned
that those who truly care
will not let you go

I would not have learned
that the best friends
you can have
are the ones that forgive you
when you do not speak

I would not have learned
that the mirror
is not the only one
that gets to decide
how pretty you are
or are not

I have learned
and I have grown,
so regret,
I do not

Last time
it was because I hid my feelings
and released them
through deep sighs
late at night
that only you could hear

Last time
it felt as though
the pain
would never stop escaping
from my pores
and the air around me
was thick with sadness

This time
it was because you could not bear
the pain of saying goodbye
when hello only came
after 10 pm, drink in hand

This time
I feel like I am choking
on every drink you have ever given me
and the only way out
is to bring the memories back up
like swords in my throat

Last time
I fixed the problem
with sleepless nights
by your side

Last time
going to bed
became a necessity
I grew to hate

This time
the problem
was waking up next to you
and leaving shortly after

This time
I wake up
with a heart
that feels like it was beaten
and bruised
in the night

Last time
you came back
because you never
really left

This time
I think you are gone
but I am too afraid
to check

there is a stress ball
in my stomach
that feels pressure
from the vibrations of your phone
and the thoughts in my head
screaming
she doesn't need you
she doesn't want you
you are useless to her
disposable space
kept only to **** time

I could make myself sick
(the way I used to)
with the thought of you
choosing someone else
over me

best friends?
best at ignoring the tension
best at telling exaggerated stories
best at constant comparison

I'm already counting down
the days until the birthday
I'll most likely celebrate
without you
because shiny and new
almost always wins

they think you're the one
who needs her heart medicated
when mine starts to race
as soon as I open my eyes

Did you call her at all,
drunk and alone in the middle of the night?
Did you tell her
she was the one you wanted?

I suggested we spend the weekend
away in the city that sleeps
as well as we do together.
You used an exclamation point
in your response
which you never do.

Why don't you talk to me
the way I imagine you do
to people you are less invested in?
I always assume you are
actually
invested
in me.

The only thing I think about
is you.

Will I ever manage
to be strong enough
to get what I deserve
from you?

How could I have forgotten
The way you kissed my forehead
Or the way you pressed your face
Into my collarbone
Or the way you twirled your finger
Around my necklace
The way I do
Every second
Of everyday
When I'm thinking
About you

Little fingers
That cannot yet hold on
Wrap around my heart
And stretch it bigger

Little legs
Still learning to walk
Run circles around my mind
Leaving joy wherever they go

How is it,
That something so small,
So tiny,
So new,
Can give such big hugs,
Spread so much love,
And bring me happiness
In a way that nothing else can?

I climbed into bed,
dizzy from the drinks
and the dancing
and the fun

Staring at the darkness,
Is this the ceiling or the wall?
I feel the air between my teeth
They are not pressed together
I think to myself,
How sad is it,
that I need to go to bed
with ***** for blood
so as not to feel the weight
piling on my bones?

I am not the girl I used to be--
I used to wipe away worry
like a foggy mirror,
but now my stomach
is in a permanent knot
and my skin is soaking wet
from the stress shower I have taken
and it won't seem to dry

My mother laughed at me
when I said the word
Desserts has always come out
but now I'm speaking backwards

I am not your daughter

Some people are afraid of love
and falling from unknown heights

I ride the tallest and fastest rollercoasters
over and over again
but can't bring myself
to eat in front of those I fall so quickly for

I'm not afraid of falling
I'll even take the jump
I'm afraid of sleeping with the door open
because someone might see the real me

I told you I was busy
that night you asked me to go ice skating
When really I couldn't decide what would hurt more-
breaking a promise to my friends
or watching you watch me fail

You sleep with the door closed, too
I know because I'm behind it with you
On Friday nights
when late night thoughts and beer
make the perfect mixed drink
to sip on while getting to know someone

Even though I still don't eat in front of you
You've seen the way I sleep,
the way I look when I wake up,
tasted my hungover mouth,
and felt every inch of me

I think I'm ready to go ice skating now
Maybe even with dinner before

But let's keep the door closed when we sleep,
I like it better that way

Facebook told me
You were listening to Lies
on Spotify

So was I

I've been at war for a long time now
with the girl inside of me

She's smart and witty
and skinny and beautiful
and compassionate and kind
and trapped in the depths
of my empty stomach
and super-glued heart
as if I accidentally stuck her
to one of the pieces
chipped away
by a boy who couldn't see her

Her outer shell is hard
and average-looking
with chunks of fat
in all the wrong places
and it repels sadness
and emits an uncaring aura
that no one wants to touch

That shell is bulletproof
in all places except for one
but this inner angel
is not quite skinny
or clever enough
to escape through the jagged edges
and paint her shell
with her favorite color

Maybe she's been locked inside
her black stone well
for so long
that she no longer
has the will
to try

I knew I wanted to step on the scale
But my mind was screaming "don't"
Because that number only tells you
How much gravity is pushing down on you
Not how much you're worth

I stared at the wall
As my bare feet touched the cold surface
For once, I was strong and didn't want to see
A number that would break down
The very small wall of self esteem
I have been trying so hard to build

I prayed I would see nothing
Higher than a 4
Or else my day would be done for
I looked to the spot between my feet
As though I was looking into a crystal ball

And surprisingly, I liked what I saw

The worst thing that could happen
is that one day
I wake up
and don't know who I am

The worst thing
would be when I look down
and no longer recognize
the road beneath my feet

What if I've been wrong--
what if I'm not going where I'm meant to go?
What if my entire life,
my ears have been ringing
with lies?

What if, they tell me
What if you're turning Nothing
into the ultimate Something?

You're probably right, I say,
hiding shaking hands and uncertain eyes

I remember there was a time in my life
when He gave me guidance
and told me that the road was set,
it was just my job to run

I used to run outside until I got hurt,
and since then I've forgotten what it feels like
to press your feet against asphalt
and let yourself fly,
if only for a few seconds at a time

I have forgotten the joy
in feeling productive pain
and I have forgotten to remind myself
that there cannot be progress
in the shape of perfection

First,
you'll stare at me
from across the room,
peaking my interest

Second,
you'll strike up
a casual conversation,
of which the topic
will be unimportant

Third,
you'll talk to me
at random intervals
so that I can never
figure you out

Fourth,
our conversations
will become a daily occurrence,
something I thrive on,
cannot live without

Fifth,
you will ask me
to spend time with you,
my heart will flutter,
I will politely decline

Sixth,
you will ask
over and over again
for even just an hour together
until I say yes

Seventh,
you will be
so easy to talk to
when surrounded by
empty space,
it will be the only thing
I think about

Eighth,
we will spend
increasingly more time together,
until all I manage to talk about
is you

Ninth,
you will kiss me
which will not be surprising
but the way it takes my breath away
will astound me

Tenth,
you will make
my heart stop
at the most unexpected time
and I will realize
I am in love

I tell myself it means something,
When you miss me in the early afternoon.
The sun has risen above both your head and mine,
Shining brightly as I lay sleepily in my bed.
You have already started your day,
Doing who-knows-what in the middle of nowhere.
I should have gotten up hours ago,
Maybe finally done something other than think of you.
I sent you away with no goodbye, my fingers crossed
In hopes you wouldn't find yourself entwined with another girl.
Now the paint on my nails is chipping away,
I'm not ready for a new coat of someone else just yet.
Still I float along in your general direction,
Pulled in by the strong forces of your sweet words and soft touch.
When I finally stop moving, I don't know if you'll be there
But I pray that I can touch you, even if you're looking somewhere else.

The last guy I kissed
I haven't stopped thinking about
I kissed him in his bed
In the middle of the night
When we both should have been asleep

But I woke him up
Trying to get closer
And he woke up
And tried to get closer
I felt his fingers very lightly touch my hip
As if he was scared to press down
In fear I might notice
(but I did anyway)

So I pushed my bones out
Because I was scared he would feel me
And no longer be interested

"Stop."

The word escaped my lips
(I surprised myself)
He let out a sound
In between kisses
(He was confused)
Eventually he gave up
(Not that he was trying that hard)
And he went back to sleep
With his arms around me
My fingers tracing his hands
And still, I tried to get closer

He was the last man to touch my lips
And most of the time
I want him to be the next

It feels like there
is snow
inside my heart

Everything is freezing,
running ice through my veins

There is an illusion of beauty,
until the sun shines down
and ugly
seems to prevail

The beats are slowing
as the weight of the water
is becoming too heavy

I am being weighed down
by crystallized water
that I used to look at
with so much envy
and awe