Thunder claps before the lightning strikes.
At least it did for me, and I learned
how a storm can be a beautiful thing.

The sprinkling rain
felt like kisses on my cheek.
Flutters came along after,
and swept me off my feet.

Everything felt better in the rain
that flooded past my ankles.
Even if it resulted in a sprain
it was still worthwhile.

The thunder was so vibrant,
I wanted it to last forever.
I thought it would have been nicer,
but the thunder was the tip of the iceberg.

After the thunder was over
I had no time to waste.
I tried dancing alone in the rain
and jumped from puddle to puddle.

It just wasn't the same.

When the lightning struck I was lost,
determined to make things work,
I stood tall on the perilous ground.
I would stay until things cleared out.

I refused to let this time be like all the rest!
I wanted to pass the test with flying colors
but I lost myself trying to impress others.
I was stuck in a downpour for what felt like forever.

I let the lightning strike me
but I made it out alive.
I'm smiling up at the sky, in the sunlight
that's peaking out at me.

A storm is a beautiful thing.

Empty house
yet noise
surrounds, me
funny how
the world
betrays me.

I wish I wouldn't bottle things up so often. I underestimate my feelings, and wind up hurting. It's truly the worst feeling of all, when the smallest of things end up breaking the bottle. All I want really is to express myself freely without overthinking everything that runs through my mind.

It's hard for me to conceptualize the expectations you try to hide,
You're all so sneaky when you ask for my side.
When I say no, it's as if you think I'm being snide,
But all I'm trying to do is make strides.

Understanding that "no" is a full sentence for me,
Grew difficult as it was never an option, you see.
Anytime I could refuse, I would with glee,
Seeking control, even when tempted to agree.

The lack of boundaries harmed our natural bond,
I search for our connection, but when you're around, I tend to fawn.
I dislike this transactional, distant bond.

I ask for quality time and am met with fees,
Being fed a lie that your love language is acts of service, please.
Because I do nothing to help you out, it's decreed,
I must not care; I feel like a bad family member indeed.

Do you accept your family?
Despite the things they say to hurt you?
Do you turn the other cheek
Each time they blame and scold you?

Are you okay with no boundaries?
Never hearing a genuine "I'm sorry."
Do you just shrug things off cause,
"Hey, they're your family"

Or do you not accept that?
I've felt so conflicted lately
Because of family with no boundaries
Family that don't accept me, but want acceptance from me.

They always told me to say sorry as a child,
If I hurt someone else, I was wile.
Even as an adult, I'm always wrong
About others, the world and my own mental health.

I have to apologize in the end.
I have to pick up the phone to check in.
I have to put on an ever changing mask to ensure I won't be hurt again-
I try to explain it and once again, I'm a child.

I say "I" too much
I should ignore everything that offends me,
Assume the best of family because they're family.
I'm family but have to change and ignore my feelings for them to accept me.

I don't want to write anymore.

I just realised,
That door is staying closed.
He's done with me, I know.
I was so stupid to believe,
That he'd be generous to me.
I did him wrong.
I deserve everything that I'll be getting.

When I can't sleep at night
Do you know what I do?
I lay in my bed
and I think about you.
I think of funny moments
and moments that were sad,
times where you comforted me,
and times where we held hands.
Because when I think of you,
I feel the most comforting warmth inside.
You calm the rushing waves,
and create a perfect tide.

I sink under the water
holding my breath until
I hear the thunder that
wakes me up and pulls
me out.

I grip my wash cloth as
I inhale steam, I'm burning.

I hope you choke on your coffee this morning
and burn the way that you make my eyes
I'm tired of you always making me cry
you have no compassion; you're empty inside
just like the coffee *** is at the end of each night.

I don't think my friends understand,
That when I'm with them I'm in another land.
A place where I know I'll always be safe,
I won't be judged, I can just be me.

And it means a lot to me that they're there.
They make me feel like I have no need to fear,
I can speak up which is nice becasue I'm quiet.
Usually because I'm trying to avoid riots.

Riots that could hurt me emotionally that is.
I hope I'm being clear and not blurry.
I'm trying to express how it feels to be-
Surrounded by thorns that change into clouds.

Just often enough to make the bleeding stop.
Do you know what it feels like to be that shocked?
It's as if you're drowning and then all of a sudden,
Someone saves you and takes you into their coven.

I'm just glad to not feel as abandoned as I had before.
I'm not alone in heart, I'm just a little sore.
But I'm healing more and more every day.
So that's a good thing, wouldn't you say?

That silly feeling inside,
Bubbly or fluttery?
I can't decide.
It's as if a million butterflies are just there,
Underneath your skin tickling you without a care,
They want you to know that these feelings are rare.
Embrace them don't push them.
Just let them happen.

If you need me, you know where to find me.

When I'm laying here
listening to your letters
crinkling as my old fan
blows air towards them
on the wall, I feel calm.

I'm wearing a candy necklace as I walk around this village there are so many thing that I happen to be seeing I see a little old lady crossing the street as I move the necklace between my lips and bite off a circular; flavorless piece little kids are playing and I'm shuffling my feet I sure do wish I could start all over in this life but somehow know everything that I do now I would eat less and stop trying to figure out how when where and why there are too many reasons and things in life to always be flooding inside of my mind as I'm sitting on a bench I pull the last pill off from this necklace and notice how things are becoming blurry   ..Maybe this time I'll do better and think less about things that shouldn't mean anything. What's the point anyways everything is hopeless these days I'm not doing anything it's a struggle to stay awake I used to sleep at night and go outside during the day but now I just want everything and everyone to disappear; go away which is why I'm leaving the planet today.

My throat is swelling up,
My thoughts seem to be stuck.
You're over me now, I know.
I didn't think that was it, though.
I should've seen it coming.
This heartbreak that I'm feeling.
But I completely deserve this.
Because I acted so selfish.

I'm more fragile than you think.
Like a chalkboard, I've begun to screech
because I can't take anymore chalk on me.
I may have a cold and smooth surface
but you see me as ugly until you start erasing
all the cramped up information that surrounds me.

Why am I tearing up
as I'm looking back at all this stuff?
I know I can't go back to these days,
so what's the point in feeling this way?

I dont remember the last time
I spoke to most of them,
So many of them are married now.
Of course I am happy for my past friends.

Sometimes it's just hard.
These people used to be the light in my life.
I'd run off the school bus to get inside,
just hoping they hadn't started a que yet.

I hoped so strongly back then
that they'd be waiting for me to get back.
Everything changed so fast.
Everything changes so fast...

I'm still a child
yet an adult as well.

People think I should act one way
and when I do that they yell...

So tell me, judgies?
what do I wear today
a smile, frown or should I walk in a haze?

I'd love to know.

You released a mechanical type of chemical inside of my brain it drove me insane but *you did it anyways.

I know we're never really apart; only far
from eachother.

But I can't wait to feel you in my arms.

I feel the cold seeping in through the walls,
and I stare out the window at the snow that falls.
My eyes are tired and the silent news channel that's playing annoys me.
I wish you'd sleep in your bed and not on the couch, it's depressing.

As the leader leaves, out the door into the freezing,
I climb back up the stairs to my room and feel sad I got up so early.
Why doesn't anyone inform me of plans they have that include me?
I take off two layers and want to go back to sleep... but I'll be awake in another hour either way.

I'd rather be cold with him, than be cold with someone else.

I love the way the the moon rises and kisses the setting sun, between the sky touching mountains.

I can see the outline of the mountains
in the sky through the fog
it's such a comfort,
knowing they will never disappear.

he showed her the sun
and as the snow melted
her monochrome life
became so vibrant.

I took the Christmas lights down,  
they're really out of season.
My room is always dark now,
it makes me feel kind of barren.

Before you, I'd never had anyone comfort me the way you have. I think that's why I keep all these sentimental things. So that even when you're not around me, you still are, in a sense.

I'm completely comfortable, but I'm not.*

I'm sinking into my bed, under warm blankets with happy thoughts of us.
Until I remember... you're not beside me. My heart aches as I'm reminded of how comfortably uncomfortable I am. Knowing you're not holding me now, but you are.

I want to lay beside you
and hold you when you're uneasy.
I want to be there when you're cold
and hug you until you go crazy.

And when you're sad
I want to make you feel better.
And when you're mad
I want to tickle you into laughter.

I want to comfort you.

These are confessions I can never send.
Because they blatantly won't understand
and that is something I need to get,
They don't care for me enough to accept the ways they hurt me and say sorry.

They are hypocrites,
Because they want me to stay weary.
They want me to always let go and cry alone.
They don't care if around them I'm woeful.

Mom,
You always said I was in the wrong,
Cleaning and chores were our only "bond"
You never chose me unless you could brag.

Dad,
You broke my heart,
You'd catch me when I'd fall
But never stuck up for me in the end.  

Mom chooses to make me a villain,
All I wanted was her acceptance
but she sees me as a sinner who's selfish,
I should put my pain aside and pretend I'm good.

I will be left to wonder forever,
Why my pain doesn't matter
In comparison to my sister,
Why am I less accepted when I'm in pain?

Dad loves me because he sees himself in me.
I look like him, we share a hobby
but growing up I believed that was the only thing he loved about me
Because one moment he'd be there, but would runaway when I needed him most.

Alone, he would listen,
He would say he'd help me
But in front my mom he was different.
Suddenly, what we said in the car was insignificant.

I'm an adult who doesn't know her needs, wants, and likes
Because I spent my life trying to be accepted.
No one taught me how to accept myself,
Or how to know what I need or want.

If someone cared unconditionally,
I clinged to them.
I hoped they'd never leave,
because I never got that from my family.

Now I'm in therapy, crying in every session
That I'm hurt again because of them,
Or hurt by myself because
I don't know who I am.

The child in me asks
Will we ever find passion
She had big dreams
and was determined to aim for them.

The adult me feels sad
She doesn't know what to say
How do you explain pain,
How do you explain disappointment?

Walls fall down
and heart doors open,
love surrounds,
what once was broken.

My heart reaches out,
it screams, it smiles
knowing that one thing
will stay constant.

I take another sip of this drink that kills me
sit back in my chair and think about things
negative, positive, foolish and embarrasing
everything basically is flooding my mind.
I wonder why the Earth continues to spin
when my world is stuck in a never ending death wish
I turn on some music and try to forget about it.

When I get close to people,
I tend to overshare.
especially when I spot a shared interest.

You’re into cheesy memes?
I’ll flood your inbox with my favorites
You like scary things?
Even if I’m not always into them
I’ll find the ones I do like
thinking you’ll appreciate them too

But lately,
I’ve started to think...
maybe people don’t like this.
Because over time
they start to drift away.

It stings to be labeled a copycat
When all I've ever wanted is friendship
People close to me that I can be open with.

Maybe I'm meant to float alone
Like a golden jelly,
I should make my own pattern.

Coughing Crazed
trying to feel things
trying to be happy
just two kids, guitar playing
broken hearts healing
we are cough crazed
and sad some days
Vibrations always find their way
through the soles of her shoes...

She hates the days
when her soul fades away
can't keep up with the daily day
and there isn't any way that
you could make me say that
I love the way life treats us
Like trust for something that rusts
I must keep my head off of the floor
metaphor number four
can ya catch me
or can ya catch no more?
I'm mean like that
and I ain't even roar
I bet your brain is sore
from this rap of sorts
I bet I ****** you off
down to your core, she's singing:

I'm just a sad clown
only around when I'm not wanted
we're just two coughing crazed kids
trying to not be forgotten
but now we've become unresponsive...

Coughing crazed
trying to feel things
trying to be happy
just two kids, guitar playing
broken hearts healing
we are cough crazed
and sad some days
Vibrations always find their way
through his finger tips like magic...

He hates it when they tell him
that he can accomplish so much more
do they not get it?
That he's trying to not be sore anymore
just close the drawer
it's time to move on but he won't forgive and forget
she stung him in the chest
he was crying from it
so overwhelming
everything turns
ain't it absurd
how much they expect
all he needs is respect
but they'll never give him it
so tired of trying
and that's when he starts singing:

I'm just a sad clown
only around when I'm not wanted
we're just two coughing crazed kids
trying to not be forgotten
but now we've become unresponsive...

**We're just sad clowns
only around when we're not wanted
we're just two coughing crazed kids
trying to not be forgotten
but now we've become unresponsive...

I'm physically exhausted; tired
I want to take a bath and lean
back into it, avoid thinking about
you.. and forget everything that
makes me hate the world and me;
myself.

You don't understand, you say I'm
depressed but it's more than just
this.. I want to go home and smell
the air that surrounds me there
I want to step out into warm rain;
take in my fate and ignore my
designated place in the world..

My cold feet will slap against the
streets pavement and I wil stand;
awaiting my painful death
I've always believed that death
can never be painless anyways..

And honestly, I think I might just
crave this one thing because maybe
just maybe as they're crashing into
me... I'll awaken from a terrible
dream and realise I have a family
who cares and live a life where I'm
**h a p p y . . .

I say I often,
Is what my mother said.
My sister's too logical to understand
The analogies I use to defend my actions

She said I'm too creative,
She even rated me at an 8.
Apparently that means for me,
Saying sorry is on my plate.

tears keep falling
and I'm unsure why
there are bottled up feelings
deep down inside.
This usually doesn't occur
at least not to me,
I mean sometimes I'll cry
but not continuously...
I miss so many
and the past sometimes,
can hit me.
I feel excitement for the future,
a future that has us together.
Now my throat is hurting
from this unwanted weather.

Am I insane?
I simply can't tell.
Always chattering away,
but just to myself.

Behind the walls
and underneath the blankets,
there lives a ravenous girl
who dreams up a place
that's not full of loneliness.

It's inevitable.
So why do I fear it?
Why am I drowning in an ocean of thorns whenever I think about it?
It's as if my heart is having an earthquake when I realise I'm ageing,
Because I don't want to grow up.
But time goes by so fast,
Maybe if I look the other way it'll all pass?

Tricky sentences flew after moonrise,
A battle commenced under moonlight,
Swings and beams chased eachother
Like fireflies dance around lovers

It was a sight to see unlike any other
I enjoyed the chase as if I were further,
To be honest I didn't realize it was such a fight
until I saw my hand disappear to reveal the moon.

I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am,*
But it's not like anyone gives a ****.
I have a constant reminder of my depression.
It rests on my wrist in a line shaped fashion.
It was somehow an accident, my mother believes.
Little does she know that it was truly my intention.

Everytime I'm out in public I pinch myself only wishing,
I would've cut deeper, maybe just an inch further.
Would I somehow keep breathing, would I be missed?
Maybe for a little while, but I doubt it would've sticked.
No one ever realises the pain until it's taken something away.