ANY state of mind but despair is illusion.
ANY illusion is a deceit to oneself.
ANYTHING but despair is false.
Illusion will always be just a lie to give meaning to delusions.
To hide truths and ease the consciousness to false belief.
Reality is only evident when despair prevails.
When eyes can see beyond the masks and veils of the everyday.
Illusion and delusion are the common state in which we live.
The reality of despair is where truths prevail always.
Illusion and delusion torn aside.... despair.

Outside my door is a world where once I did dwell.
But through my window now I see a living hell.
I moved among that place and the people living there.
But now I cannot enter it without feelings of despair.
I cannot tell to you exactly what changed inside of me.
But I can no longer fit within the shape I used to be.
Did the window I once looked through view another place?
I ponder what I see and note changes to that space.
Outside used to make sense and I joined it with true lust.
But now it holds no value and no truths that I can trust.
Sometimes I have to enter there that place outside my door.
But nothing familiar awaits me there at least nothing that I saw.
The people there can see me and I feel their judging glare.
Always trying to remind me that I am alien when I am there.
When I get home and feel relief by the sealing of my door.
I make a vow to myself not to trespass outside space no more.
With much anxiety transpired through the yessing and the no.
When days have passed and once again to outside I must go.
So difficult to think of outside and I once dwelling there.
Opening doors and passing through seemingly without a care.
Passing through so many times in the blinking of an eye.
Not dithering and putting off as days and days go by.
To relate this sense to you may leave your mouths agape.
But its those things outside that dented me this new shape.

Long and arduous had been the climb.
Fifty years or so in the making.
A pinnacle claimed but unseen for what it was.
Was it folly or push that became my past, present and future.

Falling was but a blink in the making.
No anchor to hold me and foundations removed, abandoned, lost.
Successions of ricochets from jagged rock to jagged rock.
Carved to the core by granite hard betrayal and failures.

By chance did my fingers gain purchase to slow the fall.
More of a roll downhill than the plummet that near killed me.
But still trending down into the chasm of who I have become.
The place I am, the present, the bloodied remnant of who I was.

Limbs askew and misshapen-ed, bones shattered and core exposed.
Total vulnerability to even the meekest of creatures with ill intent.
Cowered, afraid and alone in and darkness still falling.
Momentary reprieve as fingers strike stone but too torn to grasp.

Mind operating in fragmented, distorted jigsaws of thought.
No box top picture remaining to focus the picture I am meant to be.
Too many pieces in different shapes to be who I once was.
Uncertain of enough pieces to make myself a semblance of whole.

Still endless the fall and the darkness.
Creature or granite strike constantly feared.
Cowered, alone, afraid and defeated.
The darkness and fall are who I have been made.

To take a thought or some emotion,
and to convert it to the written word.
To have a voice unspoken,
and to know it yet may be heard.

To place before the audience
some learning or to simply share a view.
To tell of things, of love or pain,
and to give a glimpse of you.

To remove an outer layer,
or remove a mental crutch.
To open up your soul,
and expose it to their touch.

To etch into the mind,
of someone never met.
A hope a dream or some idea,
that they will not forget.

Each and every poet,
writes of what they have lived and feel.
And from their own experience and dreams,
they paint for us unseen worlds to real.

Through conveyance by the written word,
that great poets have oft expressed in rhyme.
Casting forward thoughts of love and wisdom,
to become unforgotten and to be heard for all of time.

The air lays still and lifeless giving no leaf a need to care,
No sound of passing traffic or kids laughter in the air.
Everywhere seems silent as if the world has lost its voice,
Even birds seem silent, bereft of song as if without a choice.

So eerie and pervasive is the silence right there outside my door,
Shouting aloud in its hush change to all things that went before.
Long periods of empty air, devoid of usual sounds I once ignored.
Leaving silence etched in mind where fear has seared and scored.

There is a scream that lives inside born of endless pain.
It takes me down by every thought residing in my brain,
So hard for me to keep a world that resembles even being sane.

A feeling of sad deep despair grown from within my inner core,
I feel it rise again and know that it is here to stay forever more.
So long the question I've asked myself "what do I go on for?"

There must be a reason and there has to be some way...
So many are the wounds that lead me to souls dark decay,
Struggling to find reason to go on even just for one more day.

When you know that love and hope and dreams are long dead,
How to stop the dark thoughts congealing within your head?
What is there left to keep your world sane and a soul well fed?

You know you gave everything and it has all become to tough,
And the face I show now to the world is all a front and only bluff.
When all the future I know lays ahead just cant be enough.

I have become pointless and a soul so depressed....
Not yet expired, but a ghost of who I was, not yet laid to rest.
And by my own judgement I have failed life's every test.

Isn't it odd.... the scars in my heart have the same names as those who made my fondest memories.

Sometimes I feel the darkness
as it draws itself yet oh so near.
Shrouds of blackest pitch,
Like a shiver of the spine,
caused by a scream I feel but do not hear.

All pervasive gloom
that shrouds my world to never ending black.
Dragging down both soul and sense,
Like a craven remorseless killer
intent on demonic inhuman attack.

I feel it in my body and I sense it
as it encroaches on my mind.
Taking both warmth and light,
Leaving never ending blackness,
devoid of hope of any kind.

At times the will to fight
has been totally taken away.
Rational mind and tired limbs,
Made to give up all reason
to stand and fight for one more day.

I sense an endless wave that drowns me
in utter dark despair.
Kicking through all defence,
Until all will to live yet one more moment,
evaporates into thin air.

The fight is ever daily
and the waves they come and go.
Random depths to which I fall,
How I survive amidst the darkest waves,
I really do not know.

In days gone by the waves have compelled me
to physically react.
More than one failed attempt,
Still I yet remain by fluke,
compounded by the lessons that I lacked.

I know that I have learned
and can push all normal fears aside.
In life we learn from failures,
And it is chance and not hope,
keeps me safe where I now hide.

In lethargies grip and restless mind,
I come again upon the day.
Where demons of my minds design,
find acres bare to frolic and to play.

An emptiness that invades my core,
until only black thought dwells in there.
Where tiredness is all I can feel,
and darkest depression is thoughts heir.

No calming thoughts to ease my mind,
and no safety can my lost soul yet feel.
The endless sensation of putrid stagnation,
no layers to other emotions have I left to peel.

Foreboding and deep weariness dark as shadow,
accompanies each thought and task within my day.
And though I seek escape by non-participation,
against thought there is no strategy I can play.

Turmoil to life's patterns of sleep and wakefulness,
where a soul and mind each attacks my own mortality.
Until left with just one clear and rational thought,
Of how simple and complete my final escape can be.

We may not share the same path or length of time on life's journey.... but we do have in common that each day takes us one day nearer to its end.

Do you see clear the coast at hand.
And know the side to which you stand.
Are your feet safe in the sand.
Or do you flounder in the waters band.
Is your strength firm on the land.
Or will sea hold sway through its command.
Will you follow the seas demand.
Or pull for shore with oars all manned.
To steer the course that life has planned.

Seven billion poets and rising. Fourteen billion ears and no one can hear.

If my words go unread and my voice goes unheard, did I ever exist.

I don't know if a bear did but I did when I was camping.

If we call the start a big bang when it goes will it be the little whimper or the even bigger bang?

Is it true that ****** shoes are nailed on?

I used to be on hormone therapy.... but she put up her prices.

Do you see your purpose as accumulation of wealth?
Do you make such things your social standings health?
Is it what drives you and gives you all your worth?
Is it what you were told gave purpose so shortly after birth?
Do you live each moment trying to add another buck?
Were you taught when very young you cant rely on luck?
Do you seek more property to add comfort to your plight?
Do you check the market for profits won throughout the night?
Do you count and tally all the notes that you can hold?
Do you calculate all you've traded, paid for, bought or sold?
Do you know the faces on every type of bill?
Is the pile getting ever higher and climbing higher still?
Do you make money from the lowly when they are forced to fight?
Do you really call this purpose and see it as your right?
Is your life for paper with a slogan proclaiming "In God We Trust"
I'm not alone in praying, one day God will send you bust.

Is it still real if my best memories are not kept by others in them?
What if those dreams and memories are the regrets and nightmares of those with whom I shared the moment?
Am I who I thought I was and am I able to believe in who I am if my memories are not shared?

I come here to purge my words and thought.
To cast off webs in which my mind is caught.

To mend a soul defeated by life's battles fought.
To understand the lessons that experience has taught.

Where others say that life is much too short.
My mind just asks why I go on multiplying nought.

Lessons learned but so very dearly bought.
Isolated mind my safety and protective fort.

Ideas and frustrations my writings have tried to sort.
And sorted through I conclude I did it all for naught.

Why is there only light at the end of the tunnel? Dont you know there are people lost in here?

When someone tells you not to worry.... "it may never happen".... you can be pretty sure they have never had the same bad **** happen twice.

Once you lose respect for a persons right to be wrong you are always wrong and if I am wrong that's my right.

Respect.... give it to get it.... if you don't then you shouldn't be surprised at what you get in return.

When was it that I got old and all of the joy was faded away?
Why didn't I notice my hair all over was turned gray?

When did all my excitement all seem to fade and get sick.
I know from all of the candles it didn't all happen that quick.

Why didn't I observe my youth all quietly, unnoticed slide away.
When did the word "cool" become something that old guys all say?

Why is my six pack now sitting much nearer the top of my leg?
Why do I now resemble someone struggling to carry a keg?

Why is it I go to the bathroom while the world all sleeps at three?
And find that I have to sit down, too tired, even just to go ***?

Oh the girls, how we would make love through dawn until six.
The image just in memory nearly kills me recalling such tricks.

Parts that don't work or sometimes ache that cause me to pause.
Long ago after the rescue giving up attempting to sit on all floors.

I need to put on glasses to read as without I am half blind.
But they take more than half a day if I put them down, to re-find.

I'll finish this gripe with whimper and no raucous call out....
I know I'm still writing but I have forgotten what the ****** about.

Of all the people who have done me harm and caused me hurt, the only one I have ever come to hate is me.

I found my autobiography on the fiction shelves in the town library!?

How many souls have been lost because they used their heart as a compass?

When young I believed that age and wisdom travelled hand in hand.
But as I grew much older I began to understand.
That what I had thought of as one of nature's golden rules.
In truth it is that as you get older, you just find much older fools.

Forty thousand dreams that have come to sudden unexpected end.
Yet millions more tainted by fears with which they must contend.
Who will dream those dreams now that they have gone their way?
Can we hope to dream as we did before when tomorrows pass away?
For now my dream is simple and my hopes and motives true.
When nightmares are over, there are better dreams for me and you.
But if by fickle fates hand my dreams should perish too...
I will hold until my last breath that good dreams return to you.

I sing an ancient song.
In voice once loud though now less strong.
The melody and chorus though of my own
To everyone at times is known.
In happiness yet louder in times of fear.
The question of why "I" am here.
The songs refrain passed along the line,
deluded that all its answers be mine.
But as has gone from times before,
The song will play for evermore.

A fellow poet made comment on my writing.
A Doctor by trade.
His comment "you are a thinker".
I know he intended no accusation.
In truth he is the first Doctor I have encountered to highlight the worst symptom of depression.
Whilst I continue to seek a cure to the thinking... I appreciate the comment and inadvertent diagnosis.

Through kisses we came to be here.
Soft curves of flesh revealed and traced by fingertips inspired.
To feel the rise and fall of silent, restful breaths and to touch true restfulness.
To savor the miracle of it and so gentle so as not to disrupt it.
Lips seeking to follow in finger's path so as to know the sensation of the sights.
Along neck and shoulder by delicate procession giving the sense of touch new meaning
With fingertip and lips, with sight and by scent to know the gift that has been given.
To feel through touch of skin and the tangle of limbs a feeling so peaceful and at rest.
Lips pressed to lips in the softest and most tender way so that they seem to be as one.
Gentle movements as hands and eyes and mouths explore the sense of being of one soul.
Conversations between eyes, devoid of ears, speaking both of fire and contentment.
Intimate caresses shared and without thought to keeping secret the soul's desires.
Passions and lusts, loves and dreams converging to bring true peace of mind and body.
Locked in embrace, in heart, in mind and in memory your kiss is my highest point.
All else is without sensation or fire or purpose without it

I sought help from you and all your kind.
To fix the cracks formed in my mind.
I reached out because all was dark.
In desolation without a spark.
Consulting you because my mind had flipped.
I don't recall the name of pills on that script.
So many now that have come and gone.
So many kinds you've had me on.
My mind and body with side effect.
Years and years of that neglect.
Going cold while changing types.
Try something new with all its hypes.
Still waving like a drowning man.
And despite my plea no change of plan.
Is this all your education can do?
What really is the point of you?
Years of drugs and threats of E.C.T
Do you know the new cracks you made for me?
I wont medicate this stuff not one more pill.
Not one of my mental cracks did it fill.
Feeling better just being drug free.
Thank you Doc for helping me.

Have you seen the mice all running, running in their wheel.
"Knowing" and "believing", what are delusions, to them is "real".
Rarely seeing other mice outside the wheel they're in.
Only time for thinking of keeping their own wheel on spin.
So happy and contented when they are spinning there.
So many trivialities that to them equal despair.
Keep the wheel a spinning, a spinning at a pace.
Never knowing that following circles just takes you to no place.
Mice ask me why I have no wheel and treat me as though I am lost.
I once did tread my wheel my delusions unable to sustain the cost.
Watching countless wheels without sense spinning on and on.
From beyond the wheel my delusions shattered, have now all gone.
Without a wheel there seems no purpose no reason to try and spin.
But once seen outside of wheels there seems no way to get back in.

Phase one to have the compulsive need to be close to them.
Phase two to share a desire for someone who inspires your passions.
Phase three to know lust and be unrestrained by needs and desires.

More than just a pleasure seeking and the sharing of intimacy... a craving shared by two.... inseparable... entwined... a mating of spirit and soul.

The evidence of true loves power to make two souls rejoice.

So many days spent wishing to be somewhere, with someone.
Endlessly needing to feel that someone somewhere needs me.
So tired of feeling and being empty. So empty from feeling tired.
So tired of just being.

Moving from nothing to nowhere and back again. Some days just too tired and empty to even deal with nothing and nowhere. Never changing, never varied and oh so never ending.
So tired of just being.

Repetition that drains, that saps, that devours and consumes.
Eating away just a little more of who I was, who I can be.
Eroding piece by piece who I was and how I see myself.
So tired of just being.

Pointless, aimless, redundant so totally without purpose.
Devoid of reasons to wake and no rest though I sleep.
So much time wasted, abused, misused, cursed and loathed.
So tired of just being.

Is it mind or heart that craves the touch of love?
Is it born within me or come from God above?

And what fires this lonely burning rising in my soul?
What drives this sense of yearning for things to make me whole?

Why do I always feel half empty and always out of place?
Why when I close my eyes can I discern a feminine shape of face?

Why do I crave to fill these spaces so vast within my heart?
How flawed I truly must be, to be missing clearly, some vital part.

Am I meant to endure and ignore my hearts so empty call?
Or should I simply find a way, to not search for answers here at all?

Are the bandages put away?
The stitches removed?
Has the scar healed over?
Has your mind reconnected?
Does your heart beat with regular thump?
Have tear ducts stopped erratic behavior?
Yes?
Then you are ready to fall in love again... good luck.

From the moment I was born and society taught me how to live.
Expectation was given it's priority and there my energies I did give.

Through culture and my peers I was taught all right from wrong.
And without question or any form of doubt I went right along.

I learnt what I was meant to as society did dictate for me to do.
Becoming fluent and accepted because I shared their social view.

I managed all the toil and trials that was expected of my role.
I gave my every effort to what society said was my goal.

For sure I was born lucky and graced by dint of birth.
Secure, safe and protected from the terrors of this Earth.

I even watched the news each night to have a worldly view.
Despite all I saw, on the morrow, I did as I had been taught to do.

So far from my daily life and not part of my despair.
I got about my life's business and continued on without a care.

I don't know what caused a change, in how I view what life brings.
It seems that luck and randomness determine all varied things.

Through all of this I have come to doubt the culture of my youth.
I see the lives of the majority and doubt my world's so called truth.

I now see the selfish shape of the life that we are taught.
Where looking out for number one is the underlying thought.

My society favours wealth and it has an ingrained need.
To close it's eyes to despair in any form and to service only greed.

My eyes only ever were opened in a very temporary blink.
I feel the guilt and know the shame of how I was shaped to think.

Now without that social purpose that anchored my very sanity.
I feel despair at a world eyes closed, to the value of true humanity.

To dream, to love, to hope... is to live.
To be without dream, love, hope is to merely exist.

I recall many years ago...
An acquaintance who through misfortune and misadventure had severed three toes from his left foot. Although he eventually recovered and adjusted to this misfortune he always walked thereafter with a pronounced limp.

Several years after this incident he had the further bad luck to be involved in a cycling accident and this time he lost four toes from his right foot. Once again with the aide of professional help and prosthetics he was able to adjust.

Although he made physical adjustment he could never let go or refrain from telling of these two incidents on every possible occasion. In my mind it became his key to acceptance and seemed to be his way of gaining some sympathy for his hard done by life. I became aware and felt quite ashamed of my lack of empathy and was alarmed at just how irritated I could become whenever around him. I determined that I should seek help of my own... to discover why I felt irritated so irrationally.

I consulted with my GP and explained the circumstance in detail. I related how over the years the more I witnessed his actions and attitude the less restrained I could be in his presence. I would become both agitated and borderline aggressive when he would enter the room.

My GP listened and after brief pause to ponder upon the story I related to him he reassured me that my reactions were quite normal and were not as uncommon as I thought them to be.
I asked him if it were a defined medical condition and did I have need for concern.
He replied.... "you are quite simply lack toes intolerant"

I cant fight any more.... I'm done.
My own mind assaults me and it knows my weaknesses.
The gaping wounds in my thoughts are constantly re-opened.
I wonder which side of sanity I live on and I despair....
What if I am sane?
What if this is reality and my vision clear?
My refuge then must surely be insanity?
Or am I already there?

If someone tells you they are blind... do you test them?
Do you doubt them? Do you disbelieve them or judge them?
Do you deny the Labrador in harness or perhaps the cane in hand?
What dogs and canes must I present for your eyes if I say I am broken? Will you believe me if I have nothing to show in evidence other than my word?
Will you see and believe or would you test me to cross a freeway unaided?
I am broken. I have no dog. I have no cane and the traffic is heavy.
I am blind shouting to the deaf.

Cant you see the world is dying as we bake it with our waste?
The only world we have and it can never be replaced.
The forests that are still standing are burning to the ground.
We all stand by and watch it and don't even make a sound.
The oceans choked with plastic, that are chemically changed.
But we just go about our business which surely is deranged.
So many forms of life that no longer roam the lands.
Once fertile soils frying, turned to sunburned desert sands.
Rivers that no longer flow out into the plastic seas.
Unheeded were warnings sung by frog and disappearing bees.
Through greed and lies our politicians plead an economic case.
Will they hang up the closed sign when we come to shut the place?
They pictured it would be yet generations before the price was due.
But we already see the early terror greed has made for me and you.
Yet still they burn the fuels without regard for the planets health.
And sell to you that its okay because you prosper in the wealth.
When you draw your last breath or watch your children die.
Choke on every dollar that you took from turning your blind eye.

I write poems to chase rotting ghosts from my soul.
To clear thoughts, voice ideas and to make myself whole.

I'm not here to write classics or tell of epic events.
Just to gather thoughts, clear my head and hope to make sense.

I read what you write and hear your point of view.
I learn from your lessons and I search what is true.

If just one word in return that I write should make you reflect.
I am honored you found some meaning and reason to connect.

Why is it that I can still not look forward when those who left me have never even glanced back?

Let your heart touch mine as mine craves your touch.
Let your soul feel what mine desires and needs so much.

Share with me in what only true love shares.
Share with me what only a joint soul dares.

Eyes for only you with mind and heart enslaved to you.
Come with me where devotion and love compels us to.

A universe with you as the light that guides my future path.
All who follow will know that passion and love is our epitaph.

My heart calls to you as it yet again repeats its lonely prayer.
Mind that feels the emptiness, but yet hopes, that you are there.

I wake up to clear blue skies and the brightest sunny day
But despite it all my mood is tainted by the deepest sense of grey.

My eyes give rise to tears that are flowing from my inner core
Yet I have no clear reason of why my tears have need to pour.

Tears and darkest greyness at the beginning of my day
No reason see I for them but still the mood must have it's say.

Deep waves of souls dark despair as I wipe my tears away
I prepare my public face, to hide my heart, as I go out into the day.

Are you strong enough each and every day?
Are you forever strong enough to keep the dark away?
Can you control your mind and remember how it is you're made?
Can you keep the dark at bay even when you are totally afraid?
Do you function in a way so that people cannot see?
Do you operate as the world expects that you are meant to be?
Are things hidden from the eyes of those who love and care?
Are you able to cope when those who matter aren't even aware?
Can you keep enough of you to win the battles that you must?
Can you in-spite of everything remember how to trust?
Do you enter every day just planning to survive?
Do you get to sunset and feel joy or sadness to be alive?
Are you able to carry on through a thick darkness that numbs?
Are you able to face the familiarity of tomorrow when it comes?
Can you see the conception of things that give rise to hope?
Can you maintain focus as you are riding down your *****?
Do you live a life where you ask yourself these things?
Do you feel its all the same no matter what tomorrow brings?
Are you able to support as I deal with things how they seem?
Can I do all I can to face my incessant internal scream?
And......
Do I have the strength to hang on to everything I dream?

It isn't something new to science....
It isn't science fiction and a dream to come....

Your heart recalls your past and takes you there when needed.
With your heart you see the future.

Knowing when to use it, when to share it, how far to trust it and when to risk it is the lesson to be learned.

The key to dreams and memories....

I thought to tell a joke to lighten up and bring a smile to the day.
To bring a little laughter and set my words on out to play.

I started with the Englishman, the Irish guy and a Scot.
But someone called me racist so the first line was all they got.

I then started to tell of a woman in the guise of a blonde joke.
But no sooner had I started all the feminists did I provoke.

As I sought to carry on to bring a smile to someone's face.
I found that all types of what was humour today is out of place.

I find that I am judged a racist and even sexist or a homophobe.
And you can no longer laugh at women or talk of **** probe.

You cant talk of a shuttle **** washed up on a Florida beach.
And any joke about the clergy is well and truly out of reach.

I don't think there is a topic that the world finds hilarious anymore.
Unless that is why Trump was elected and what we have him for.

Invisible is the wall that holds me back.
Things of beauty I can see beyond it.
Gazing upon wonders that are cast in light.
Light that calls and draws me to it with a longing.
Many faceted are my eyes as I observe beyond the barrier.
Headlong and in frenzy I pound upon the invisibility.
Despite the constant beat of my wings, I cannot break through.
The wall holds firm and I am trapped.
My power to fly freely is utterly diminished.

I spent most of my life learning how to cry.
I will spend the rest of it learning how to stop.

I have long since come to accept that you chose a different way.
I can even say it out loud to myself and my tears will stay away.

Sometimes I am convinced that I am well and everything is fine.
Yet still come days of soft shadow, remembering how you were mine.

One previous owner.
Two ears, used... not only capable of hearing but also listening.
Two shoulders to support a weary head... waterproof.
Two arms to carry, support and protect.
A heart that knows both empathy and care. (slight damage)
A mind, complete with experience and blank space to learn anew.
Packaging a little battered but in working order.
Must be willing to take as complete set.
Listing period... indefinite.

Ten thousand lights or more all strung upon the sky.
Have stood there every night as life has passed me by.
Never did they notice me as they stood their constant place.
Never with cause to note the lines that time drew upon my face.
Throughout my every year they have never changed at all.
Their radiant glow never faded upon night-times magic shawl.
They stand exactly where they were on the day I came to be.
And there too they will stand when time draws it's end to me.
My mind has often pondered why stars outlast us so.
And as the sand yet dwindles I wish it more to know.

I see the beauty of you such as no other woman holds,
Cast in radiance and uniqueness by natures precision moulds.

And though others may not see you as my eyes perceive the view.
I live for the grace and the beauty that my dreams perceive in you.

My eyes are drawn to beauty's smile written there upon your face,
like a touch of heaven when we join in love's warm embrace.

I feel my heart skip to match the rhythm of your gentle sigh,
the softness of you near me forcing my every sense to high.

Your sensuous, delicate lips that I am so longing to know and kiss,
where my soul yet sings aloud to make a moment such as this.

I am captivated by every soft curve and all of your alluring charms,
sure my heart will know completeness with you there in my arms.

Two souls content by touching, set on lighting passion's hottest fire,
ignited by the bond of two lovers totally consumed by deep desire.

Feel of naked flesh pressed upon my own bodies now made as one,
with universe as if vanished, all else but us seemingly now gone.

Unified realm of heart, mind and soul's most contented place,
as we lose ourselves to loves inspired intoxicating embrace.

Caught and bound by love's true bond each for the other one.
who knows if one day I will find it, but until then, I dream on.