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I took 15mg of mirtazapine on Sunday evening out of pure curiosity.

As a result of its histaminergic activity there is sedation
yet I find I am easily surprised, jumpy but tired.
Initial slight sensations of arthralgia.

After a few hours I identify mild eidetic imagery,
Ever-so-slightly persistent with closed eyes.
These visual hallucinations emerge
from imagination, neither delirious nor lucid.
Perhaps they're more like vivid daydreams
and would leave with tolerance.

This faint mode of hallucination led into and out of sleep,
Supplanting hypnogogic and hypnopompic imagery.
What I remembered of dreaming was much the same:
Nonsensical conetent with similar imagery.
Upon waking its effects were still apparent.
Nothing particularly interesting, useful for achieving sleep.
There is definitely potential for hallucinatory imagery
but I found the content quite bland; it is lethargic.
Sungmoo Bae Sep 2020
Call me a medicine man,
and yeah, I'll be there for you sure,
dedicated to you only,
to help the one without a cure.

    Once I step inside your heart
    you'll begin to doze off,

and those shaky hands will be soothed
while letting your head rock to and fro; can't be helped.
You'd be my tiny little sleepyhead
holding that little dose in your palm

    and you'll soon wander off
    deep into the neverland of your own version,

forgetful of human senses:
the striking smell, the taste to savour,
the sound the music that is ever whimsical,
the bright light and the dim dark.

And I reckon you already like it
all surrounded by the forgetfulness
—the numbing sensations nullifying your will to rise,
and the pleasure finds shelter within you.

    Then in your dream
    you start to want me more,

    not knowing the impending consequences
    of forgetting all about yourself,

of drowning
further into the river
that we all call the sorrow,
and of falling faster and farther

until you know nowhere to return.
I call out "Wakey-wakey," then,
prying open your eyes and every doors
that'll lead you outside with haste

—the light shines upon your pupils
still drowned in tears,
bewildered, with your legs wobbling.
Yet you're no longer my sleepyhead anyway,

    so walk on, off with you,
    carry on with your stiff legs

    —though you pretty much look like
    you'll need a stick just to stand upright -

    and do come see me
    if you ever need me again.
(C) Copyright: Saul Bae (Sungmoo Bae)
Wolf Towne Jul 2020
****** knuckles
Late night drives in rain fall

Hollow inside
I hate this feeling
It's one that always sends me reeling

Locked doors
Blood shot eyes
I'm starting to feel sleep deprived

I feel like a mental patient

I can't get up
Texts too late
I don't want to do today

Self loathing
Bleach and comet
This time I'm not going to *****

False hope
Everything hurts
This little blue pill just doesn't work
Felt quite low last weekend. Took 12.5mg of amitryptaline.
I'd been meaning to  assess its effect on sleep/dreaming
as part of a long-running personal experiment.
Experienced hypogogia as I drifted off that night
but the content of dreaming itself was unclear.
The sedate feeling lingered into the next day.

Forty-eight hours after initial administration
I noticed an offset/aftereffect. I dreamed that night
and remembered enough nonsense to be bored/perturbed.
I experienced a vivid hypnopompic state, whereby
parts of my dream clung to waking thought for long enough
to remember some narrative (some sort of teen-drama mash-up
but the lovable main characters were missing, and I was earnestly
trying to convince myself it [the dream?] was worth continuing.
A mild but noticeable aftereffect feeling persisted into the next day.
At 12.5mg its character is not so clear, no signs of anything interesting.
I found tianeptine more curious. Fruitless experiment, will not repeat.
Empire Dec 2019
This is going to work
I’ll feel better
Swapping medications
Paroxetine for fluoxetine
Sprinkle in some hydroxyzine
Just keep swallowing
Pill after pill...
Idk... maybe one of them will help
But now.... my head spins
Every time I move
I never want to eat
Then I gorge myself
I can’t remember anything
I’m sorry I keep forgetting
I just... I’m trying so hard to get better
I’m trying. I am.
But to get better
I must endure illness
Side effects
Before any of it will improve
Dealing with withdrawal for the first time... trying to switch medications but I just feel sick... I’m taking so much medication....
Empire Dec 2019
I just took so many drugs
I hope they make me ill
I hope they make me sleep
Just... just let me drift away
I’ll be someone else
She said I could take another...
Why do want to keep taking more...
I feel like I’m becoming quite heavily medicated

Honestly though, I really love the sedatives
Empire Dec 2019
I feel like I’m playing a game
Of antidepressant roulette
Maybe this
No that
A little more
Will this one work??
Um... try three...?
Oh and btw,
They might make you wanna die
Ya know... more than you already do
Spin the wheel
Which is it this month?
I’m sick of playing games
I sick of taking drugs
This is what I get
For being honest with my doctor
N Nov 2019
A pill in the morning,
and one before I sleep

Pearly white and motherly,
I like them better than me

I awoke today,
and felt a strange force pulling
at my stomach and tearful soul

Hollow and motherless,
the pills have left my body

Is the side effects the body’s
way of refusing to heal?

Am I swallowing bombs
or chemical kisses?

Will they mother me
and bring back my mind?

Dear my aching body,
I promise you,
this is not another suicide

So be still,
be very still,
and keep the pills down  

Don’t whine
Don’t cuss
Don’t fuss
Don’t resist
Don’t fright
Don’t fight
Don’t cry
Don’t die

This is not a suicide
My stubborn body is refusing the new meds, or they’re refusing me.
Empire Jun 2019
I awake to an unreal calm in my chest
Blissful and gentle
Nothing quite matters
I know it should
But I just don’t care
I inhale deeply, slowly
Savoring the feeling
Knowing it’s temporary
Knowing I’ll have to give it up
It’s not supposed to make me like this
I know I probably take too much
But the serenity
Of the morning
Is so irresistible
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