Do they sit in their safe shade and reach a pale cold finger towards the brightness of the sun?
Do they dream of standing in the open faces turned upwards towards a sun so bright they have to close their eyes?
Do they lift their arms in sun salutations adoring the sun?
Do they yearn to feel the sun touching every inch of their naked skin?
Do they paint picture after picture of worlds filled with sun?
Do vampires long for the sun?
I am often stuck inside. I go through decades of my life where the only way I get outside is with my hubby. About a year ago, it had rained for weeks. There were 2 days predicted for sun, and hubby was working all of both of them. I cried and shut the blinds and tried to pretend it wasn't sunny out. I just couldn't get outside on my own then. Now, the last poem I posted, was about me actually walking outside, on my own, in the sun and the shadows. I'm not thrilled with the vampire imagery in this poem, but who except maybe a vampire, could understand how badly I wanted to be outside in the sun.
I can’t do anything right I can’t do anything outside I can’t leave The voices in my head are screaming Cover your face, don’t let them see Cover your face, hide what you are Mask up, keep it on Paranoid about my privacy
Days on weeks On months On years Hiding away from the world They’re always asking They’re always wondering They want to know They speculate
Anxiety Insecurity Self hatred Fueled by staying inside By never seeing people By wearing a mask
Full face Half face No face Hide behind the cloth The screen The walls
Privacy Intimacy Fear Leave me anonymous Unseen Invisible
I've developed extreme anxiety around publicly showing my face. It's gotten to the point I can't drive without a mask or go get my mail. All the mirrors in my house are covered. Seeing myself ruins my day.
I am afraid of everyone I know. I did not evolve with any of you. It’s a party but I’m a deer in the headlights, and I'm trying to have fun, but I am scared of everyone there. I got very drunk, and told a friend that I didn't trust anybody. Why did I tell him? Everyone’s out to get me. Hm, no, that’s not how it feels; everyone could be out to get me one day, and every word out of my mouth is another knife in their arsenal, or my stomach, because I am a revolting mass of skin and sinew and everything is something to hold against me. I think one day I will be the ****** that will not leave the house. It’s like the original “Little Mermaid”, every step on dry land- every step out of my home- is another step of agony, and one day, when I have had enough of this miserable existence, I will turn on the stove and dissolve into the sea.
I feel damaged, I feel broken see depression had me trapped At a young age well before I had even spoken When I was 8, I saw someone get sick I spiraled infront of everyone they saw me as a burden so I was sent home real quick When I was 10, I laid in bed for two months... I watched the same movie and refused to eat because the demons in my head When I was 12, I was scared to leave .. my house and even my bedroom I would hyperventilate then cry so hard I'd heave When I was 18 I screamed till my voice was no more my cries echoed off the walls but no one cared to notice what happened behind my bedroom door When I was 19, I was too nice I put others first but little did I know a piece of my heart was the price I am broken, I am damaged everyday I wake up surviving the day is always a challenge