Has my path been random or has it been ordained?
Did I make the choices that led me to this life so strained?
Some would say I was tested and it was always the path ahead.
Every choice and word predetermined, all destined to be said.
I always believed I was independent and making my own way.
But I have come to doubt it, I am so less certain of myself today.
Every choice I made has led me here to writing this today.
Less certain than before, less belief in all the words I've had to say.
Confused by life and doubting in just who the hell I am.
Always predetermined, cosmically intended to fail at the exam.
There is no sense to it if I was always meant to fall.
And there really was no purpose to testing me at all.
So even if its random and has all been by my choice.
The failure has been even greater and I am just an empty voice.
And oddly when I go here it is when I pray the most!!??
A view of this world distorted by eyes now welled with tears.
More broken and alone than at anytime in all my younger years.
No sign of reason and nothing to sustain progress to a future way.
Just the futility that lays ahead as I face yet one more pointless day.
Scream out to the deafness, in pain so deep, of the peril that I am in.
Resolved to the reality there are no ears, and I have no way to win.
Long has been my fight since I fell to this most desperate place.
Knowing an escape by my own hand will not even leave a trace.
To end my continual pain and this life of lonely deep despair.
And with certainty just knowing, no one knows I was even there.
No one left to notice or care how far I fall.
Any path without this pain again a very welcomed call.
So very tired of being here again...
Not afraid in the normal sense... just tired that I am here again.
Peeled layer by layer...
How many souls have been lost because they used their heart as a compass?
Different shades of light that have passed before my eyes.
Casting shadow and obscuring things and covering up the lies.
How to see the good in things when light keeps them concealed.
To hope that light might shine and falsehood and fake be revealed.
How very hard it has become to see the light as good.
So many years younger was I, when to see it so I could.
I thought that I had lost the light and darkness had prevailed.
The simple truth is it was by light and shadow that I was assailed.
It has been the light that has often broached through my defense.
Open to love, light shone in and seemed to make some sense.
My eyes were in awe of light and my heart overcome with joy.
Only to find that light is used in lies and deceits own employ.
I no longer can trust the light or give it even some small chance.
No more hurt to my heart from light disguised as loves romance.
I cant escape a world where light by all is worshiped for it's glow.
So I'll live a life that is empty in this light I have come to know.
Too afraid to love again... some hurts just cant be faced again.
If I told you I love you, that I care for you, maybe even desire you... would you have me arrested?
Thoughts from a loveless world.
Perspective and perception... not my area of expertise or greatest good fortune.
Does everyone come to realize that life is just a terminal illness?
Surely we all contemplate where all roads lead.
There must be others going through what I'm going through.
This an attempt at conversation with those who feel as I do.
I live a life so empty and always on my own.
It seems so short of reality to describe it as alone.
The days are endless cycles that fade and become as one.
Looking to find some distinction when basically there's none.
Emptiness and lonely just doesn't tell it right.
And to say its isolation really doesn't describe my plight.
A world devoid of relationships of any type or kind.
Has left me with distorted disposition and an overactive mind.
I find days, weeks, months and calendars obsolescent things.
A consequence of every day repetitive in everything it brings.
I don't know how to stop it defeating me in this way.
For when I try to fight it all motivation drains away.
My life seems forever lived in the deepest sense of sorrow.
Knowing what I did yesterday and today, I do again tomorrow.