from dusk to dawn
I have lied awake next to you.

listening to your even breathes,
wondering what you were dreaming of.

I long to fall asleep next to you,
but seeing the man, who changed my life so much and so quickly,
in such a peaceful state of mind
is far greater
than dreaming of lying next to you.

the warmth of your skin touching mine
is far more enticing
than lying all alone
in my cold, dark room.


an epiphany has arose in my mind;
the sun is rising,
my lover is fast asleep,
and I'm laying in bed
indulging it all in.

life is a miraculous and beautiful,
thing.
and this moment right now
just proves to me that
everyone is apart of someone before we are even created;
and my oh my
I hope I've found the missing piece
to my puzzle of a life.

why is it that every time I feel my strongest,
you somehow evolve slowly back into my membrane.
memories.
they overflow my cerebrum.
and then
my tears run red
and drip down my fingertips.
I hate how you do this to me.
weak, vulnerable, guilty.
I am numb when I think of your voice.
I quiver with fear of tomorrow,
how am I supposed to move forward
if my mind continues to dwell on the past?

i have been placed on to a pedestal.
for every one to gawk at and be repulsed by.
I do not hate these people for judging what I've done.
I'm an animal
trapped in a cage
confused,
but understanding when a finger is pointed my way and the booming voices shout
'YOU HAVE BETRAYED US!!'
And what tears my insides apart
is that I have not only
betrayed
my friends,
but also myself.
I despise what I see in the mirror;
mentally
physically
even the existence of my being.
how can the unforgivable
be forgiven?

I hate how much I miss your eyes,
the emotion spoken in them before our lips connected.
your eyes could speak to me, I could see the story before your mouth opened.
I remember how lost I could become while drowning in the deep brown of your iris.
but I just can't stop thinking about one thing...
how much I ******* hate you for making me cursed.
everywhere I look
I SEE YOU
everything I touch
I FEEL YOU
every pair of eyes that dare to look in mine
I THINK OF YOU AND  YOUR **** EYES
how much I loved the warmth they held,
the love I thought I saw deep inside.
all I want is to forget your eyes,
and to forget you,
to forget
us.

Destroying myself just to feel something besides numbness.

Destroying myself to heal myself.

Destroying myself to finish the job you started.

Destroying myself to take away the pain you caused.

when I feel the sensations
of words starting to make sense
in my mind;
this is when I feel high.
writing is my drug of choice.
it fufills my needs
and makes me feel "okay".
to keep the feelings trapped inside
my silenced mouth
and speeding mind
is like when a drug addict
comes down from the high.
it makes me feel
weak
numb
and uncontrollable.
I am nothing without a pencil
and paper;
I was destined for greater.
and greater
I shall become.

the words have left my brain
the pen has fallen out of my hand
and on to the floor.
the page is not blank however.
my tears are the new instruments
that paint the pretty picture.
I have lost the focus and ability to focus.
my motivation left the day
you completely faded away.
my heart pounded for you,
how could you be so deaf?
I nearly bursted with rage,
how could you be so heartless?
I've become crumbled ruins;
craving to be built up again.
this is my cry towards my happiness,
where did you go?
how could you leave me?

I yearn to feel complete,
whole,
and full.
For so long I have felt
empty,
weak,
and vulnerable.
I'm sick of this
disease.
I'm tired of this
tortuous thing that I have
so unluckily
recieved.
I'm done with trying to fight it;
for I am the champion of my mind.
Victory shall be mine;
forever and always
I
will
reign.

the mirror that whispers,
the mirror that shouts,
words of hate
and torture
and spout.
the lies it speaks
are of disgust.
the thoughts it creates
turns 'should stop eating'
to a 'must'.
the mirrors lies are tempting
to try,
but a forewarning ;
the lies will control you,
and they will eat you alive.

I miss you being a part of my life,
but then again,
you never really were.
Just a person that i was supposed to love and call
'Dad'
now I'm sitting here wishing i knew
how to love someone
the way a father loves a daughter,
but i'll never know how
and it kills me.

My eyes can no longer look at the picture frame you gave to me, the picture of us looking so happy and free.
And now my eyes are seeing you so happy with her.
You're hugging and kissing someone else.
I used to be the only one that would make your smile beam brighter than diamonds.
Now my bones feel weak
and I don't seem to breathe the same way i used to.
I can't get your eyes out of my mind and it's breaking me apart.
I'm not as strong as I once was with you to help lift me up,
now how are my brittle bones supposed to keep me alive?
I've lost you and now ...
I'm loosing myself..

Forever will never be enough.
Time will never last long enough.
I was never strong enough
to keep you safe.
I was told I would never be good enough,
you proved them wrong at first.
Holding my hand, while caressing my heart with your passion of life.
But now you've ruined it all.
By using the hands you held onto mine so strongly with to end your own life.
Now I'm told that you saw the real me,
and wanted no part.
I can see right through the lies..
but oh
you selfish ******* you.
You left me, alone and confused.
all the while of never
thinking to hand me back my heart
before
you ruined me.
completely and infinitely;
I will always remain broken.

now I realize why I smoke my cigarettes
because they taste like your mouth.
the nicotine courses through my veins
reminding me of your electric touch
making my body go numb
and my mind buzz.
these thoughts I can no longer ignore while inhaling the devil smoke into my charcoal lungs.
wishing I could forget how to inhale
because it only reminds me that
every breath is closer
to my last.

the craving of drugs,
the addiction of love
both will take you into another
dimension.
then once you loose
the high
or the lover
that is when reality sets in
and you feel numb
once again.

If i saw you i would immediately run away
because you are my worst nightmare,
but if you called my name as i was running
i'd surely turn around and hear what you'd
have to say.
you're my worst nightmare,
yet i just can't get enough of you.
my drug,
my intoxicating need,
why do i crave something so wrong for me?

why do my thoughts no longer create symphony's?
with metaphors as my orchestra,
I could release the information that crammed and over loaded my cerebrum.
it makes me confused as to why I would neglect that precious side of me.
the special gift that
saved my life.
how could I neglect you?
how could I forget myself?
my anorexic-like spirit is
so hungry for the taste of my memorie's return.

I fell in love with the dark.
I found comfort in the sorrow-filled shadows .
selfish, I know.
but it is all I know.
you used to help me find beams of light,
but now there are no traces of hope remaining.
I have been consumed whole.

this terrible nightmare of a life ,    
you call it,
is unbearable to face anymore.
But darling,
You're only looking at the world, not indulging it with your mind.
Once you open your mind and block the way everything seems out,
you will find that there is a whole world of opportunities to discover,
and happiness
is one of them.

my deepest fear
is being alone.
forever writing to a mysterious lover
who's name i shall never know.
forever craving warm hands
to envelop my soul,
to wipe the tears from my cheek
and speak words that only poets can create.
I wish to have a someone that
understands...
I wish, I wish, I wish ..
but now I'm starting to believe
wishing is for the weak minded,
and my mind cannot handle this torturous waiting any longer.

I am lost at sea,
drowning in my own tears.


I look to my left and stare
at the pieces of our boat
we had built together with our intertwined hands.
our intertwined hearts.
I look to my right,
I see you being rescued.
You were always smarter.

I am being destroyed by the heavy, dark waves.
my screams are being silenced,
my body is loosing strength.
You were always stronger.

These waves are killing me,
while they are saving you.
I inhale one last breathe and
finally,
let the waves swallow me whole.

and now,
I am saved.

I've been waiting
and hoping
so patiently;
but my time is running out,
and my skin is starting to wrinkle,
and my heartbeat is starting to slow,
and my lips are starting to crack
from being without another pair to caress mine tenderly in so long.
I've been waiting for a someone to come save me;
but I never realized that sometimes you have
to be
your
own
hero.

drowning in my own sorrows,
tender heart shattering at memories.
skin breaking open,
because isn't that what he wanted?
tear drenched face,
no hope for tomorrow.
I'm doing this for him,
he told me to do this.
he told me to end myself.
I'm following my orders.
because it's a sin
to
disrespect
your father.

Humanity
cannot grip the thought
of loosing everything
and everyone.
but oh my darlings,
one day our corpses will be underneath the ground;
and our souls will be dancing with Angels;
the loved ones we lost so long ago.
do not fear death,
for death brings you home.
and home is where we all belong.

a way to cleanse my soul,
a cure to my diseases.
writing is my angel.
when my mouth becomes at fault
to organize my words,
writing is my savior.

but sometimes a haze
covers my analytical abilities.
like a cloud casting shadows onto earth's ground.
writers block is poisonous to my fragile brain.

i hate that i forget how to rescue myself.
i'm drowning in my lack of awareness.
struggling to speak through my hands.
i'm afraid it is too late
to save my once poetic mind.

even this makes me horrified
that i may
have lost my voice

how haunting it is to be in your presence,
your hands so near to mine.
the hands that used to stroke my hair
and brush tears off my cheek.
the mouth that would speak the words
to help me fall asleep.
the eyes that saw the scars and blood
along my fragile arms.
how haunting it is to see you and to know
that you know
that the blood continues to pour
and the scars
are forevermore.

theres so much screaming inside my
head.
making me stay awake all night;
insomniac.
your voice taunts me in the shadows.
having me remember the
terrible things i had done
the things i have experienced
should not have been seen by these young
eyes and this young body.
even though i am away from you,
i still remember you.
the happy you that was with me.
the me that was okay.
the me that wasn't dead inside.

All I want is to go
back to that night
when our bodies intertwined.
The place where we became one
and our souls united.
And your hands explored
And my moans escaped.
Our bodies moved to a rhythm that even music couldn't make.
Our bodies tangled in the bed sheets,
the bed we claimed ours.

I saw my nightmare today.
just a glimpse,
but if was enough to make my whole world come crashing down,
once again.
why is it that when I finally
find peace,
i find myself lower than I was before?
if this is a life test,
I'm not sure I want to continue to fight for breath in these dark waters.

I felt strong and able to move forward,
but then I saw you
and you saw me.
then you kissed her.
and I felt my whole makeshift world
come tumbling back down.
I felt my legs weaken beneath me
and my heart crack and spill open.
my blood boiling in my ears,
the noise is so loud
I become deaf.
my hands become numb.
you kissed her.
YOU.
the one person I had given my everything to,
I had never thought I could become
so
vulnerable.
I am weak because
you broke me,
again.
It's back to the end,
I am frail because
I let you invade into my cerebrum
where you had once imprinted your soul.
I feel ashamed for
letting your eyes
trigger my sorrows.
I am nothing
because I had let you
hurt me;
I had let you
win my tears,
once
again.

I'm thinking of love at 2:45 am.
And all the while, your face
pops up in my memory like a flower in a meadow of weeds.
I don't think i know how to love but
When I see that certain smile upon
Your face,
My heart skips a beat
And my stomach does flips
And my hands get sweaty
And my mouth runs dry.
And if that's love
Then, God.
I'm crazy for you.

I’m so sick of feeling alone.
I’m sick of this wanting, craving feeling towards love.
i want someone to give me the world,
without me asking for it.
i want someone to read me like the back of their hand,
to understand my thoughts and accept my past.
i just need someone
to need me.

i crave someone to finally open up their arms wide and let me inside,
to hold me and to never let go until the world has crumbled and fallen
apart and we have nothing left to stand on but each others feet,
and even then i’m not quite sure i would want them to let me go.
i want someone to finally acknowledge me and my differences
and fall in love with the way my eyes wrinkle in the corners when i laugh.
i want someone to sneak over late at night and talk about the stars and how majestic the color of trees look when a storm is approaching.
i want,
i crave,
i need,
someone
to need me.

my heart is always hurting.
sadness consumes my thoughts.
im sick of seeing smiling people
who's minds are pure from demons.
they will always be stronger than i ever was
and i think thats why i can never smile
because i know that i'll never be good enough.

the tears won't stop forming
my heart won't stop hurting
I'm loosing my mind
because I'm loosing you.
my flesh
my blood
my sister.
****** is the kidnapper,
it took the shine out of her eyes
and made her feel "better".
it handed her a needle and spoon
and told her
'I am what you need'
is love not enough to stop the pain from escalating?
were my tears false evidence that I actual care?
this drug took away my blood
my flesh
my sister.
this drug ripped apart our family
our flesh
our Jessica.
and now all we are left with are
our grieving souls
wishing to give her a second chance at life.

These nights where
sleep seems so far away
and you seem so near to me.
I can almost feel your hands
holding me through my sea of bed sheets
Or maybe that's just realization kicking in,
Whether that is true or not
I'm tired of these Insomniatic nights
where all I do is think of you
and how much I miss those comforting hands of yours.
**** you
for leaving me.
**** you
for not trying to save me.
For I am so far gone now
nobody can rescue me from these deep dark waters .

I have reached a resting stop in my life long journey towards complete and utter happiness. I am drained, weak, and nauseous. I can't do a single thing in life without worrying about a consequence, a mistake, a fear. If I move on; will I be wishing I stayed? If I stayed will I forever be regretting my decision? I need to see the world, but I also enjoy some things in this life. I crave adventure, but comfort is easy to find and 'home' it is easy to call.  I want to see what life has to offer, but what if it isn't as glorious as people proclaim? what if I am not the person I believe I am? a unique writer who craves inspiring scenery? Or am I just a little girl who's been thrown around by society, mind so hazed that I cannot figure out what I truly desire? Life; it's a living hell - but with an open mind and no pessimistic outlooks, it can be a best selling book waiting to be written. I might have the ability and opportunity to be the Author, through terrors, tortures, and turmoil... I might be able to make my hell into someone else's hope. I just have to keep going, moving forward, and stop looking back and dawning on the past.

Your lips tasted
like the stars
i never got to see
because of the cities
bright lights.
And once our lips connected,
Meteors fell down to earth,
And the ground beneath us started crumbling.
For it was the end of the beginning,
And I couldn't have been more un-afraid.

it is a new year,
it brings new beginnings.
yet why do I continue to feel
this heavy, dark weight
of the loss of you.
my heart continue to beat,
yet I am not alive.
I am dead to the world,
unable to soar with my wings spread wide.
all because of YOU.
you took my happiness
and crushed it into pieces.
i hate you
but I love you,
and that's what scares me the most.

We, as humans, were placed on this earth to become a high power. We were created to express the meaning of 'Unique' and 'Different' - yet in this day and age we are judged so harshly on merely the way we dress or talk. Humanity is destroying Humanity; we are creating a world full of breathing corpses who have no sense of joy for life anymore. Why do we continue to live this way? Life is not meant to be tortuous; instead of feeling trapped and judged, we should feel FREE and explore as many parts of the Earth as we can before our time here is over. Exploration of the world is the key to freedom, the key to the true feeling of being a human being. Living is a privilege, we need to value this token of gratitude from The Higher Power; whoever that truly may be.

It's 1:08  am
and i'm still sitting up in bed
thinking about you
and how our hands fit perfectly together.
Now look at me, my darling.
For you have ruined me.
My hands are dry and cracked now
for they have been so lonely lately
and they miss the warmth of your palm
pressed against mine so tight
i thought for sure you could feel my pulse
beating like a drum.

it's 4:48 am
and you're gone
and I'm alone
and i ******* miss you.