in the dark depths
of despair i thought
of joining you

aching with grief
as if struck too
i was lost in the
loss of you

but pain doesn't heal
hurt and more death
can't bring us to life

so i carry you inside
because as long
as i love you
you're alive

stop throwing stones of judgement when we are all made of glass

I woke up suddenly at 3am
Disoriented and dizzy
Not sure if from a dream
or nightmare
My eyes scanned the
dark
Trying to reassure myself
of the here and now
My breathing shallow
My body trembling and
covered in a cold sweat
Overcome with the urge to
talk to you like I
use to
A thrumming need to have you
close pulsed beneath
my chilled skin
I sighed and
adjusted for comfort
Tucked NotBob back under my
head
Closed my eyes and calm
breathed myself back
to sleep

There are times I miss
you so much
I wish I remembered where
I placed your memory
Which box
in which dark corner
holds the sound of
your voice
Where did I bury
your smile
and the feeling of your
eyes saying I’m
beautiful
I scattered the ashes of
your burnt words
and on occasion regret
that I didn’t keep
a special three to
visit during my
lonely sleepless
nights
There are times I miss
you so much
I almost go searching
for you

Flowers remind me of death
My father clutching a pathetic
handful of convenience
store bouquet flowers
Jack and desperation in
his voice
begging my mother-
the woman he beat and
walked out on to
raise three traumatized children
alone-
to take him back
Alcohol convincing him
that she was the true love of
his life
His sun bronzed hands
grasping at hope long
since murdered
brought flowers to the funeral
of their relationship

Flowers remind me of death
Your smile and laugh
silenced too soon
Your whole amazing being
shoved into a box
Entombed six feet below
my world’s surface
Overly sweet petals
prettily masking the
decay in my heart
caused by losing you

Flowers in all their beauty
remind me of death

The internet is slow
and people keep
disconnecting
Bubbles of self importance
Removed from humanity
The world crumbles
and there’s concern
over a mistakenly made
overpriced coffee
First world problems
focused on the
wrong crisis

I wear this costume you
provide
And recite the script you
wrote.
I shove myself aside
to live in the shadows of
this person you created.
I live this lie daily.
With no breaks in character.
Have I pleased you yet?
Are you satisfied with
my performance?
Now that I've changed myself
for your enjoyment,
do you love me?
Because I'm *******
dying.

I drink coffee like
I take
holy communion-
with eyes closed
in thankful
prayer.

I try not to worry
her
So much that sometimes
I answer
I’m fine
before
Hello
when she calls
because I know to her
I’m still more bone than
skin
I’m an empty bottle of
pills
One breath away from non
existence
A blood stain she scrubbed
with her tears
I’ve already worried years
off of her life
while trying to end
my own
So when she phones to
to check on me
I’ll always be fine
no matter what is
going on in my life
and sometimes before
Hello

I had a dream about
my father
At least I think it
was him
I was talking into
a dark room
Could see the red tip
glow of his cigarette
Smell beer and fresh dirt
Consumed by a mix of
emotions
I couldn’t form any
words beyond
“What are you doing here”
Long, frustrating silence
like most of our
relationship
And when I neared giving
up and turning away
He whispered
“Don’t give up like I did
You fight the ******* darkness”
I jolted awake with
the bang from his
gun
Tears streaming from
my eyes
My most meaningful
conversation with my
father
was a dream

I’m not everyone’s
cup of tea
My special blend of
crazy a bit too
bitter to the tongue
for some
But if you can
get beyond
the dark thoughts
and
scarred parts
I could be the
sweetest thing
you
ever tasted

the mouth is set and
                                       the brain retreats inside with
                                                                ­                          no where left to go

He sat silently
across the room
and read my body
like his favorite
book
My curves the
chapters he’s
memorized
and licked his
lips because he
knew just how tasty
the end would
be.

To the man at the store
waiting in line
behind me
buying the cheap
beer and frozen pizza
The one who
pointed out the
scar of
the lowest point
in my life
I’m not sure if you
were trying to shame
me
Or if in your ignorance
you just blurted out
your opinion
without any real thought
“God doesn’t like suicide”
I really did try to smile
and walk away
because I’m not that
person
I’m not someone who
lashes out
I’m not someone who lets
words shoot forth
without thinking them
through
I don’t have shame
for this scar
It’s a reminder of
the depths of darkness
I’ve survived
And I should’ve been content
with myself for
my strength
Shouldn’t have responded to your
statement
But your smug smile
and satisfactory stance
rubbed me just
the wrong way
on just the wrong day
And the words flew off
my tongue before I
could bite them back
“Is that so? How does God feel
about back woods ignorant
*** holes with poor eating
habits and bad taste in beer?”

I've never put much faith in
people
Even the most important in
my life letting me down
Abandoning and abusing
Casting aside and
scarring
Unloved and forgotten

In those times of
inconsistency
I clung with innocent love
to the constants

The sun, the moon, and the stars

I’m done with head down and closed lips
Just making it through one more day
Done with thinking my scars are ugly
and therefore making me unlovable
I’m going to wear them proudly
with head held high
Telling my story to any who cares to listen
Because these scars are an armor
forged in battles I have won
They prove that time and time again
I am stronger than anything that has
tried to destroy me

I’ve spent too long
locked in this dark
tower
Thinking myself a
damsel in need of
rescue.
But I’m remembering now
I’m a warrior
And capable of
saving myself.

You can’t put bandages
on my scars
and expect it to
heal the hurt
Where were you
when I was
bleeding?

Independence was a seed
planted in me at an
early age
Cultivated in the soil
of indifference and
apathy
Watered by disappointment
often until I lost all
hope in people
So I am sorry if
I have never needed
you in the way
you've wanted
My tree does not
bear the fruit of
weakness

Paint by number
your colors
just like everyone else.
But do not color
outside the lines.
There's no place for
extraordinary.

Shove the clay
of yourself
into a mold that
doesn't fit.
But do not dare look
for another one.
There's no place for
individuality.

Write out the story
of your cliché life
just like all the others.
But do not make
any revisions.
There's no room for
originality.

You always preached
about burning bridges.
Voice laced with warning.
But here I stand.
A handful of matches
and gasoline.
With my chin held
high.
Ready to reduce you
to ash.

I wear this costume you
provide
And recite the script you
wrote.
I shove myself aside
to live in the shadows of
this person you created.
I live this lie daily.
With no breaks in character.
Have I pleased you yet?
Are you satisfied with
my performance?
Now that I've changed myself
for your enjoyment,
do you love me?
Because I'm *******
dying.

Devastation is
realizing you’ll never be
enough for yourself.

Last night’s nightmares carved me open
and bled me of all belief-
Like they had a map guide to every vein
and knew where your love was stored
I woke this morning so very empty
and tired.

Don't say you love me.
I have a hard time
accepting those words.
Like they are foreign and
do not translate into my
native tongue.

Don't look at me
with such kind eyes.
It burns my skin and
overheats me.
Like sun rays on
newly exposed flesh.

Don't hold me so tenderly.
My body can't handle
the pain of your gentleness.
It has been conditioned
to the harshness of humanity
And may break apart if
handled any other way.

Don't leave me.
I know I am difficult,
closed off and crazy.
Truly a complicated puzzle
to piece together.
But I promise I am
worth it.

I tried this person on some time ago
And she stuck
I’ve been fighting every since
to get her off
To remove her skin from my bones
Her darkness from my mind
Her tears from my eyes
But it all seems at bit lodged
And the more I struggle
The tighter she holds on

I ache to say more
I long to expose my truth
To walk into your arms upright
and strong
To speak in crystal clarity
until you know
What I dream, what I could be, with you
But, here I am
Mistakenly pushing it all away
Because love has always
had conditions
and trust always abused
and I have never been anything
but hurt.

When the words inside my head
batter and bruise me.
When the strength I call on to lift
myself up is leaking from my
eyes.
When I've run all I can run and
there are no songs left to cover
old hurts.
When I am about to crumble
because I can take no more.
You pull me into your lap
and nuzzle my hair.
You hold me tight against your
chest and shush the cruel words
causing me pain.
You wipe the tears from my cheeks
and silently become my strength.

When I am incapable of loving
myself
You do it for me.

I'm a puzzle with no corner pieces-
complicated and frustrating
but breathtaking when finally put
together.
Faded blue jeans, bare feet, and
a mass of wild curls.
Southern accented blunt truths
and sharp accessing eyes
that have forgotten their true color.
Messy scribbled words on heaps
of discarded paper
and gorgeous journals with empty
pages.
I am a piano player in private
and a singer in the shower.
Paint splattered hands
and a girl finding beauty
behind a lens.
A quiet thinker
with a head full of screaming
thoughts.
I am a lovely mess of
contradictions.

I fell for your charms
and your smile.
I tumbled head first into
your sweet words
and grey eyes.
I complimented your
sheep’s wool
and ignored your vicious fangs.
Until the claws of you were
in too deep
And the path away from you
was overgrown and dense.
I ran after you a girl
starved for love
And you saw my hunger from
a mile away.
The red of it waving-
signaling your easy prey
And you pounced.
Tore me limb from limb
and smashed all hope.
You with your cunning
were no match
And my naivety almost
ended me.