Uprooted
Time and time again
Transplanted from my comfort zone
To a new place where I have no friends
Shipped off
Away from those I love
Forced to start over from scratch
In a new and hostile living environment
Thrown out
Kicked to the curb
Sent sprawling to the pavement
Isolated once again from all I'm used to

Is it any wonder I'm messed up?
I've got nowhere to call my own
I've been forcefully torn away from
Every place I've ever called home

I am a broken man
Who doesn't know how broken he is
I am an addict
Who hates the drug



I am lonely



I can feel my isolation
Every night as the demons I dream of
Spill over into my waking life




I am lonely




I hurt the people I love
I act before I think
I am the most destructive force I know







I am lonely







I am so lonely

Every muscle in my body
Begs me to run
To chase your car
But then your taillights crest the hill
And disappear beyond

My mind lingers on you

Are you wearing your seatbelt?
Are you alert and emotionally sound?
After all
A distracted driver is just as dangerous
As a drunk driver

And no
I am not ok right now
Fear and feelings and Hydrocodone
Cloud my mind
Every time I watch you leave
Hurts more than the last

But this weekend was amazing
I had so much fun
Felt so loved
So safe

This weekend was not wasted
On painkillers and platitudes
This weekend was real
Tactile and truthful

My love is relentless
And I will pursue you
To the end of the earth.

Warm tears run down my face
The pain to great for my heart to bear
It breaks
At losing you
But my love is tenacious
And yours alone, my Rachel
I have caused you heartache
I have brought you shame
But know that you are sacred to me
A gift from God
And still, my love is yours

I am not yet complete
Not yet competent
Nor worthy of your love
Yet in vows now written
Unspoken
And still, my love is yours

My soul is wrenched from it's moorings
My mind now must face my flaws
No longer can I hide in false naivety
And still, my love is yours

Mark my words, Sweet Treasure
Watch for the day, My Beloved
For I will make you proud

*And still, my love is yours

How can I
Mere mortal man
Write verse and rhyme of Venus?
For She is Herself
Poetry
These black days
These barren days
That turn my soul to ash
And char the fibers of my soul
And all because I must be away from Her

I am drained
In the absence of my Venus
I am pained
By the space now forced between us

But I will overcome the fractures
Not bested by this distance
For always has She been
Just beyond
The morning
The  horizon
The road
The hallway
Yet through these barriers
I have persevered
I have roared at the enemies that keep me from Her
I will not rest
No
I will not be satisfied
No
I will wager my everything on Her
Yes
For Venus
My all

My confession
I'm a wretch
A miserable
Broken soul
Stained black in sin
I am shattered

But I am reborn
Scarred, yes
But reborn
Cleansed in fire
Washed
Clean
Pure crimson

I will dive
Deeper
Swallowed whole by the sea
The purifying surf
I will never surface
Yet I will never drown

I The Wicked Son
Drenched in Saving Scarlet

Kick in an amp or something
Break a couple rules
Let out all this angst at nothing
Just break down and rock

I need to cut The Punk loose
I've tied him up too long
Let me ease my ******* loud-mouthed soul
With some nasty
******
Noisy
Rock 'n' roll

Let me yell until my voice hurts
And play til my fingertips bleed
Feel the beat that my gramps said would send me to Hell

Yeah...
That sounds sweet.

Every ounce of me wants to write for you
But I can't
Something will not let me.
So I sit awe struck
Dumb struck
Love struck
And search and search and search and search and search and searchandsearchandsearchandsearchandsearchandsearchandsearch
My brain in a desperate, wild hunt for words worthy of writing in your honor
Yet I fear the well is empty.
I fear that the grand fount of creativity has run dry.
That this is what comes of an attempt to write of you is proof enough to me.
Where have you gone, oh Muse?

What's a man to do?
When he takes no pride in the work of his hands.
When the things he creates are a pungent, noxious fume.
What's a man to do?

Here's my best desperate attempt
To capture in empty black letters
The fullness of love you're content to pour out on me

You are my blessing in the flesh
A catalyst of carnal desire at the simplest form
Yes it's true that my first thought was of your physical perfection
Your corporeal aesthetic
A flawless performance of flesh

And I desired you
Craved you like a man depraved
But that was just the start

The moment you opened your mouth
And spilled onto my ears the golden splendor
The voice fit for the chambers of kings
And I to be Solomon
Or David or Caesar or Arthur
That such beauty should not be wasted on me
A common man

And I desired you
Called to the Creator and pleaded for you
And you came to me

Now I see that you
My perfect foil
Are my completion in this world
In my Crucible life you are my peace

In your presence I have heard distant wedding bells
Drawn now close
So very close
You occupy my every thought
Every labor a step towards my life with you

I am truly blessed beyond my fellow man
Beyond regent and ruler
Kingdoms and coffers are empty in the presence of a woman so wonderful

Sweet Venus, soon my bride

My heart breaks as my Venus pulls away
Was the love you professed to me a lie?
Did it hold any meaning?
I feel abandoned
Betrayed and deceived
My heart still beats your name

And soon you will leave
A season separated
How am I to prove to you my love
When I cannot reach you?

I beg you
Think quickly
Know that I suffer in your absence
I pray with my hands to the Lord
That you remember our love
That the fire be rekindled

You are my love.
My single desire.
I cannot live without you.
I dare not even try.

I know what keeps me here
I know how to play the game
I know what rules to break
I know what keeps us sane

But here we go again
Sewing evil seeds
Till the fields of sorrow
With all our ***** deeds

I know what I want from you
I know how to live
I know when I should turn and run
I know what I can't give

I know you.

I find myself stuck.
Unsure if what I told you
Was a mistake.
Unsure if you really don't
Think less of me.
If you're just saying that so as not to upset me.
Oh well.
I can't change what I've done.

In the midst of heartbreak
I find no tragedy
I look to the future
And though I feel sympathy
In truth I am eager
For the beauty awaiting me

Tick
Her eyes flash in my mind
Tock
Long hair flows in my memory
Tick
the laughter that lights up the sky echoes
Tock
My heart beats faster
Tick
Will I ever be able to love her?
Tock
Or am I just chasing mist?
Tick
She sings, and I melt
Tock
She speaks and I am weakened
Tick
Perfect lips curled into a playful grin
Tock
Emotion erupts from my soul
Tick
If only I had been faster
Tock
If only I had listened
Tick
If only I had been more decisive
Tock
Now I fear I've lost her

This place
This perfect paradise
This sweet oasis
Squandered
These people
These beautiful, wonderful people
The family I found
Squandered
These times
These glorious times
The memories of gold
Squandered
Tears freeze on my wind chilled cheeks
As I walk the asphalt warpath
My mind is in the days now past
And haunting laughter reverberates
I failed you all
I failed myself
And now my paradise

Lost

I watch through windows of stained glass
As Venus dances
In awe at the beauty just beyond the pane
How long will I be able to live behind the pain?
For Venus?
Forever.

My mind is flooded with questions
Whose answers are beyond me
Like what will I face
When finite breaks to infinity
Or
When my life crumbles
Can I count on you
To stick with me
And
I know I went too far
But can someone still love me
As I search the rubble
For my new identity


Never before has the end of a chapter
Been so tangible
And I'm still turning the page
No fourth wall to break
And if the world is a stage
My life is a terrible play

Not everyone's a critic
But they all give a review

Through turmoil and tragedy
I am at peace
I float in a cleansing sea of crystal
Fed by the River
Which flows from the Bema Seat
I am washed
Red
The color of life
The color of death to myself
And life
I am at peace

I am at your service
Your wish is my command
But you say you want me to be strong
So I'll fake it till I am
I think I could fight an army for you
If I could muster up my own
I won't pretend I'm superman
But I'll make your house a home

Not looking for a conquest
I don't need to get my rocks off
I just want to see the world
And you're coming with.

When two worlds collide
They both get torn apart
I don't know who to follow
I don't know where to start

My hands up in the air
My knees fall to the earth
I scream into the night
Until my voice won't work

Do you hear me?
Tell me do you hear me now?
Are you listening?
Do you care if I break down?
Is anybody out there?
Is anybody here?
Can anybody see me?
Or my reflection in the mirror?

Still on my knees in the darkness
My voice echoes in the valley still
I wait
Prostrate for an answer
I wait

As I lay here on my bed
My soul is falling
Down
Into a deep deep pit

No

Not falling
My soul IS the pit
And I fall into it
I am not drowning in my fear
Rather I see it as a marinade
Of gasoline and gunpowder
I dwell in it, soak it into my skin
And wait for the match to light

As I sit here
My arms and head are heavy
Though my eyes leave the ground
They always return swiftly
I no longer can look into your eyes
With confidence
I feel I have failed you
More than the rest
More than myself

I see you
And my whole being shakes with envy
My stomach is twisted with jealousy
All that I desire in life
You have
I find no solace in slumber
No respite in my dreams
Night after night
Week after week
I dream of my failures
I'm haunted by the ghosts of my shortcomings
And wounded by your spectre of success.

Signs point in different directions
Art>
<Science
History^
Oddities¿

Art:
Every memory of every sunrise
Every beautiful melody
Here.
And so many images of her.
Some sweet
Some candid
Some sad.
How can we revel in the joyful
Without knowing it's opposite?
Every delicate poem
Every lyric yelled
Every painting
Every sculpture
And in all of them,
Her.

Science:
Models of molecules
Diagrams of data
Sketches
(Where are the equations?)
Math is forbidden in this museum.
Lectures
Theories
All gathering dust.

History:
Names.
The greatest of men and women
Julius Caesar
Constantine
Marc Anthony
Cleopatra
Rosa Parks
Elinor Roosevelt
Patton
Churchill
Kennedy
MLK

Maps and charts
Famous cities of old
Sparta
Alexandria
The halls of Montezuma
Constantinople
Babylon

Oddities:
Phantom Kangaroos
Homemade Bazooka
"That made the news?"
And Bubblegum the Baluga

The Raven Empress
Flaming mattress
Sharks with lasers
Pandas with Tasers

I need to write a happy song
Something to break through this
Grey fog of emotion
This putrid state of
"Meh"
This perpetual cycle of internal mental apathy
After all

Complacency kills.

Am I just a ***** up?
No.
I was made for more.

You're a long way off kid.
Not a single thing about you is ******* up.
Well, nothing but your self image.
That's way out of whack.

You're a good kid.
Creative.
Smart.
Likable.
Where'd you get the idea that you're a ***** up?
Not from me. That's for sure.

So stop listening to the little man on your left shoulder.
He's got nothing good for you.

Now.
Focus.

What am I to do
Oh my fair skinned sister?
You are family to me
Yet I fear I may be forced
To bring the news
That I'll not be returning

I fear that if I do return
It will be on my shield
Not with it
As the Spartans used to say

Here I stand as Leonidas
Foolhardy and bold
I watch as I crumble
As my phalanx fold

So what am I to say
Oh my fair skinned sister?
How long will you mourn my absence?
Before you forget
And carry on?

What am I to think
Oh my dark haired sister?
What am I to feel?
You have been my guide

What am I to be
Oh my bright eyed comrade
My cheerful compatriot
My dearest friend?

Sing to me
Oh my fair skinned sister
Some sacred sonnet to save me
Play for me
Oh my fair skinned sister
Some long and lingering lyric
Some sweet melodic line
Some hypnotic harmony
To save me from my mind

I was not prepared for this
My position so flawed
Fatally overlooked
I was not prepared for this

My broad bravado
Now enfeebled
By harsh realization

My situation is untenable
The force against me
Is greater than  anticipated

I am called Tiberius
I have sold my foe short
I have little doubt
Of that which brings me down

I came here sure of success
I came to make war
To conquer all that is against me

Yet

My head hangs low with defeat
My spirit is weak
My morale in shambles
I am broken

My arms
Once readied for battle
Hang limp at my sides
My hands
Once armed for war
Now empty and weak
I am broken

My eyes
Once alive with passion
No longer leave the ground

The battle is lost on all fronts
I am surrounded by defeat
I watch as the line crumbles
No match
For the force brought against it
I am broken

This mortal vein
These mortal eyes
This mortal skin
These all will die
This fading light
These fading dreams
This fading hope
These hearts that scream
This burning lie
These burning fears
This burning soul

I shed no tears

All that is good
Is not always beautiful

All that is beautiful
Is not always happy

All that is happy
Is not always good

I searched beneath
The blood-splinter moon
For the man
Who knows my name
But I found him not
In the world about me

Look in

To the desperate broken corners
Of the soul

Look in

To the fears and demons caged
Or are they?

Look in

To the hidden regrets
The repressed memories
The guilty pleasures not forgotten

Look in

And when you find the man who
Sees this all
And still will know your name

There is only one

I am weary
From early morning
And night so long
I am weary

I am weary
In
Body
And
Mind
And
Soul

Won't you give me strength?

My mind and heart
Locked in violent war
My heart beats of rebellion,
Of liberation
My mind holding to its corruption

Year after year the war has raged
My heart backed by the Devine
My mind a tyrant
Backed by a traitor
A master of lies

And I know
That when the endgame comes
My heart shall take the day
But as of now
Its trenches are deep

To war

The body is weary
The spirit is drained
Lord sustain me
Set my heart aflame
Guide my hands
In every act I do
Let me work
As though I work for you
Lift my thoughts
To dwell on higher things
And let the words of my mouth
Be like the song the sparrow sings
Lord the mind is willing
But the body
Is
Weak

Man that I am
Man that I was
Both are men
That I seek to forget

But here I am
The man I've become
The product of my decisions
Boyhood
No longer

But I take heart
For I am young
And mistakes
May be attributed
To youth

Yes I will learn
To be the man I'm becoming
And to make him a man
Worth being

A leather chair
It's comfy
And the headrest actually fits!
The woman
A nurse of some sort
Explains **** near everything
"This does blaahhh
And that does bluhhhhh
And this other thing does
Blegghhhhh"
Thanks.
Let's just get it over with
Then in comes the dentist
Well
He's an oral surgeon
He tells me his name
And hooks up an IV
And in goes the anesthesia

                    BLACKNESS

A comfy chair
I must be coming to
But in the office?
Then I hear the cat
Ohhhhhh
I'm home
Ok
Cool.
What do you mean?
All I can eat is ice cream?
And mashed potatoes?
Ughh... I wish I was back asleep.

I sit
Oh Lord in wonder
Within Your temple pine
And as I sit
In awe of it
I see Your great design

The slate grey clouds
Form arch and roof
The pillars
Rugged trees
The courtyard
Cobbled with grass
And leaves

I lie here awake
That's good. It's morning.
But my eyes still burn for sleep
Too bad. Get up.
My thoughts don't flash in the usual way, but ooze: Jello down a slight decline
Don't care. Get up.
My arms are weighed down by exhaustion
There's work. Get up.
But...
Get.
Up.




Fine.

Is

I think I'm on my feet again
Can you feel it? Can you feel it?
Don't know how or why or when
Can you feel it? Can you feel it?
I think I'm on my feet again
Can you hear it? Can you hear it?
Tell me where do I begin
I can't hear it. I can't hear it.

I stood
On the edge of the sky
As the Mountain danced below me
I stood
In blanket stars
As the trees sang melodies of old

I remember days
When I was inspired
By the beauty of a rose
Or the agony of heartache
But now my muse is stagnant
I hear no sweet sweet songs
I hear no soul rending cry

No breeze caresses my face here
No harsh wind blows against me
The air moves as a man in a cell
A slow, putrid circle of apathy

No great loneliness afflicts me
No great host accompanies me
Yet no sense of community is upon me
I have no connection between souls
Yet here I am
Yet I am here

I'm not in control
This is no longer my story
May my hands do no work
Unless it brings You glory

I've turned over the reins
I let Jesus take the wheel
As the storm it swirls around me
I take my hands from the helm

This is my surrender Lord
Capitulation
Unconditional
Inexplicable

                          Real

Restructured
The fiber of my being
Reordered
The placement of my priorities
Reconsidered
The core of truths validity
Realigned
My moral compass and sense of duty
Rediscovered
The spark of my life and ingenuity
Recommited
                          Life

Myriad of distasteful smells
Grease and mold and rot
I hold my breath and walk
Along the lonely hot blacktop
I can't stop, I can't stop
I'm already running late

Past the towering gate of cedar
Into a human sea
Weaving through groups
Of preteen girls
Dressed like they're twenty three
Under the twisting orange rails
And past the elder train
I can't talk, I can't talk
I'm already running late

Through the courtyard of the wolf
Beyond the bubbling fount
Near the infinite tidal wave
Pass between the pillars
And now I'm at the gate
Step inside the hovel
This is where my work begins
I can't walk, I can't walk
My legs are spent for a bit

Then I man my battle station
I'm ready for the rush
Six hours later still on my feet
They start to feel like mush
My arms are heavy my eyelids sag
And my back begins to ache
My voice is sore my mind is numb
But I don't get a break
I can't stop, I can't stop
I'm working for my pay

Another dollar, another day
You know I'm working for my pay

Life is a lifelong
Balancing act
Time that's wasted
Never comes back
But hear my quandary
It's really quite queer
What happens when my job
Conflicts with my career?
What happens when my schooling
Disrupts my education?
When federal government policies
Keep me from graduation?
What happens when my GPA
Keeps me out of universities?
What happens when what I need to do
Conflicts with my responsibilities?

Life has hit me
Hard
It hits
Fast
It hits
Quietly

And you can't hit back
You can't trade blows
It's like a brawl with a phantom
A duel with a ghost

So you just take the punches
And learn how to roll with them
That's just how it goes
When you're punching at smoke

Twelve days.
That's how long it will be
Until the last thirteen years of my life
Mean almost nothing
Twelve days.
Twelve.
Twelve days.
That's how long it will be
Until the relationships I spent
So much time building
Fade away
Twelve.
Twelve days.
That's how much time I have left
Until I'm forced into a world where
No one knows my name, my face, or
What I've done
The image of myself
That I spent my time building
An unknown.
The work
Wasted
My self identity
Purged
Without my permission
Forced to rebuild myself
From the ground up
Who will I be?
Who will I be?
Who will I be?

No delusions of grandeur
No misconceived notions
But there's a thing that beats in my chest
Like the winds against the ocean

I don't crave glory, fortune or fame
I don't even care if you remember my name

I want to be there
On a brightly lit stage
Me and my guitar
Making art
Turn the page

Not in it for the women
(I'm happily spoken for)
I don't do drugs
(They're stupid, and make you poor)
I don't want to get rich
(Money corrupts)
I just love rock
(Stand back. Watch me erupt)

It's all about the music
And what it does for you
I don't write for me
That's for other musicians to do
So if you ever hear me playing
And it stirs something in your heart
I'm doing something right
I'm just doing my part

When I said wouldn't change for you
I didn't mean I'd stay the same for you
I'm changing 'cause I want to
I'm changing 'cause I've got to

The me I've been is no longer feasible
I realize now most people are seasonal

But it's not about other people
My priorities are wack
My motives are turning evil
And I need to turn them back