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jǫrð Apr 2019
𝘏𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘰𝘥𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦
𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘰𝘹𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘤
𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘯
The History:
I just signed the lease to my first place with the help of a couple angels. Moving always gives me a sense of dread. I guess it's the unknown, the wild, the lack of control that scares me the most. Alas, I am optimistic-ish.
Leila Oct 16
I have been buzzing around meaningless
Day after day, week after week
It’s still here
Fog in the form of sand trapped in my brain
Static is too dull a word to describe it
**** this
I have nothing else to sort through
The exhaustion is worthless even though I still have it
And I’ve been screaming for so long
But because I am paralyzed
Because I gripped my own throat for too long
Only dust comes out when my mouth unhinges

I’m still impatiently waiting for happiness to come and clean me up
Spark spark spark
I clench my fingers into my side
It feels like dirt in between my nails
I’ve been blown out like a candle
And like ash I float away
Best way I can describe what ADHD feels like
With the racing heartbeat
And the closed eye..!!
I was ready to give up the whole world of mine,
To someone... waiting for me on the aisle
Little did I know him and a lot to explore,
On journey ahead lies..!!
Eyes meet & result in a glorious smile,
Yes...!! everyone around cheered and
The expectations got high..!!
A lot waiting in the future and a lot I am going to say goodbye,
Giving me up to him, he tries his tears to be hide
Well it is a beautiful day since I am my groom's bride..!!
Thoughts that come in mind while walking towards the aisle..
I miss the trip we took.

We didn’t mind feeling lost while we drove
through the forest, and we sang aloud
the entire way until we arrived at the
site. We pitched the tent, and then spent
the afternoon eating s’mores smothered
in whipped cream, sharing ghost
stories, and watching the lake’s current
come in and out. And when it came time
to hide away, we huddled into my red
sleeping bag, chatting about whatever
came to mind. That’s what I miss the most,
laying with you, discovering how your
mind moves. Or how mentioning we
smelled like s’mores made you go from
a giggle into a hearty laugh.

Then a lengthy gaze turned to a yearning
silence. I miss you running your warm palm
down my chest. Flesh on flesh became our
flesh, breath on breath became our breath.
By the time you fell asleep you had engulfed
me into your small, dying flame, and
embraced me into the furthest depths you
would ever let anyone reach. I remember
wishing it would never end.

But I also remember lying there, still awake,
my body almost shaking from all that was
surging through my nerves and veins,
feeling more nervous than satisfied. And
soon, once the weeks of bliss had gone by,
you realized I was letting you down. You
didn’t seem distraught, or rejected;
you were disappointed.

Now, I will not chastise myself for having
old wounds still healing. I will not be
ashamed for still having armor, for having
to try to surrender, for regarding the body
and heart of the person you fell for with
disgust. But I don’t want to indulge in my
progress or lack thereof, because for you
it’s true, I let you down. You saw me
covered, and you saw me ****, but you
never saw me naked, exposed, vulnerable
and raw. I wouldn’t let you.

And I’m certain for you it was like expecting
a call that won’t come. And when the phone
finally rings you are not there to answer.
You gave up long ago. And I’m still
not even willing to call.
Jay M Apr 2019
Unimaginable joy
Un-channel-able emotion
So good
Yet so terrifying
Fear of messing up
But boundless joy of the return of emotion

How shall this be placed into words?
I wonder
Coming up with anything
Yet nothing truly fits

Shaking before you
Looking to the floor in nervousness
Then
Embrace
Short, yet comforting

Heartbeat
So loud and calming
Then a little wave goodbye
Once out of sight
A little twirl in the sun
Smiling in glee
For what has become of me

Taking a seat
My heart skips a beat
Thinking of this marvel
That this has become.

- Jay M
April 17th, 2019
Andres Mar 2019
my head could last for days
my head could think up a hole
It would take me a minute to try to distinguish a cold shoulder from cold
or maybe I’m something nice looking to ****
With men, that just be my luck,
Never know if it’s something to fear or if it’s truly something to trust,
but baby, you should stay, my head told me you wanted to go
I can’t take another heart break, so my heart, let’s just take it slow
Do you mind just actually leaving,
It would hurt less without an explanation
I’ve never felt worthy of one longer than a couple words,
Lonely and broken in the heated train station
my feelings and ego go away as soon as i look at your eyes
But come right back up on late night train rides
I wanna text you, but you’ll probably be suffocated
don’t expect gifts on my birthday unless it’s belated
momma reminds me to not settle for less than I’m worth
but momma don’t know that for love I’m a serf, for love, I’ll rebirth
But no worries, the couch is super comfy tonight
Your quickest replies are the ones that say goodbye, or so it seems,
My head is spinning like carousels after hours and behind the scenes
Shoot my heart like you on a dolly, got every angle
Hold my hand like you know who i am, baby, what can you handle?
I’m a mess inside and when I’m without you it spews
So doctors resort to telling me
“Honey, go sit in the pews”
But prayer to god, pray to allah and mami, nada me sirve
Y mami, con este dolor, amor nunca me hace libre
So anxious, and nervous, with no repercussions
So baby hit hard, slept w several concussions
Not the ones you think you got
But the ones that hit you in parking lots
You thought he would love you, but you can’t be loved
You thought it was his treat, end nights in Hyatt’s
Rent out a Beamer, **** it, a fiat
And baby you got me
Baby you got me

I wish i could see you and look in your eyes
I’ll sing some long and distracting lullabies
Don’t focus on the man you never signed up for, hes been through it all
You really wanna find a place with some privacy when weather gets cold in the fall?
his sisters running his life
And his parents not fit for the world
and if these planets don’t stop ******* moving, i swear I’m just gonna hurl
My body is broken in all the right places
if i don’t leave, he’s smashing all the glass vases
I should relax, pay attention to what makes sense
I’m over here in round two with my brain, playing chess
If you have hidden motives, would you promise to reveal?
If i had all these scars, would you help me to heal?
I have important questions to the subjects that matter
if something doesn’t go my way, it’s mind over the latter
My feelings are unattached, it’s my brain getting it twisted
So i think I’ll just go home and get myself lifted
blowing through cartridges like my gameboys too brolic
Can’t go a day without it, like a ****** alcoholic
I like you a lot, but my feelings won’t grow
I stress you a lot, but only on the low
I **** with you heavy, but my body’s too light
we could share stories in a dark room restricted of sight
Maybe you could feel what i feel and see what i see
I learn thrown in the deep end, but forget all out in sea
i added some Spanish in there.
I’m trying to be vulnerable with you. Spanish is my family’s language, and it’s my family. To speak to and about you in Spanish is to do it fearlessly. Challenge your language.
I learned that as opposed to living a life that is full of prediction and control, you could live a more fulfilling life of vulnerability. Risk your emotions, be the first one to take that step. Life rewards those with growth.
kk Jan 2019
My relationship with mirrors is strained.
When I look I usually see what's probably
myself. I look better, probably, than before
when I slept no more than
3 hours every night
and spluttered through life
choking on words and stumbling over
misconceptions.
Now all of that is merely a buzz
trampled by a maximum dosage of meds
that let me function in life
but make everything a bit numb.
I much prefer numbness to personal nihilism.
Other times when I look in the mirror I
don't see much of anything.
When I'm in public and
the innocent looming presence of others
threatens my mind's fragile ego,
I see them abstracted in my periphery,
their glinting knives of eyes
sparing me a passing glance
(She's just smiling politely,
but my skewed eyes glimpse
faux teeth and behind them gargled, ****** judgements. I don't judge the digust.)
and I skim over a transparency
of myself in the mirror.
Too bad I can't actually disappear.
(Or maybe I can.
But I try to stray a little farther from those thoughts.)
Sometimes I feel heartbreakingly
ugly in that mirror. Lonely. Unwanted.
Even with all those doting eyes on me.
I feel relied upon for something. To be
the one who makes them laugh. The one
who fills the silence. The one
who works hard even with setbacks.
(Do they even expect that of me? Or do I?)
When
in reality
I'm none of those things.
Not truly. Not really.
Theres always that tug of opposition in me,
that feeling of ingenuity, a touch of facade.
But I don't want them to see an ugly side.
The side that mistrusts violently,
that lies stagnant with thoughts screaming.
Clamming up in the face of oppressing quiet.
The side
that rears its head when
they look a little too close.
Maybe it's my truest self, that broken side.
I wouldn't know. There
are too many walls. I can't even break them
myself.
Or maybe I've broken them all,
but I'm blindfolded,
feeling around an abyss with my eyes
wide open,
vision obscured by skin-tight fabric.
I could just,
untie that knot behind my head,
spiral further and further down--
just to feel something else--
But it's safer in this uneasy emotion.
I dont know if I'll ever find myself in
the mirror again.
rom Jan 2019
death awaits last of the embers
and the hearth is numbed by sleet
barren by midwinter's breath
leaving only the stubs underneath
the smoke that is reaching out to the clouds
in hopes of Sol's fiery wreath

yet He remains hidden
and the smoke begins to fade
the hearth completely freezes over
while the stubs continue to withstand
cruel Winter's escapade
EJ Lee Jan 2019
The feeling of the
Pit of your stomach
Is uneasy
The feeling of hesitation
This is not pleasant
It makes you not think straight
You feel trapped inside
With your feelings
You want to
Speak your mind
But you are a loss for words
This feeling is powerful
But at the same time
It can be just as scary
It’s impossible to think that
Everyone has felt this
At one point in their life
The feeling of anxiousness
About the unknown
And the unexpected
9/4/11
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