the hurt hurt hurt please make it stop i cant breathe anymore i wanted to call you at one fifteen this morning when i wanted to die but i knew you would just hang up or tell me to ******* so i texted him god knows why i choose him he helped some but ten minutes later i was worse and worse and im internalizing everything and im going to explode god i want to die last night i drew up five separate plans for suicide im not sure which i want to try this time but im so done with hurting my breakdowns and panic attacks are more frequent and i dont know when it was last this bad and im scared i cant compete with all the things dragging me down i dont know how to get back up and im scared so scared i want to **** myself but i cant but i might but i dont know anything i want to run away from everything but everything always follows me and i dont know how to stop the cold blood that somehow keeps pumping though my heart has stopped i feel like the dry leaves in the fall no matter what you try to do what i try to do i end up in more pieces so much so that you cant recognize me or put me back together yeah i feel like that nothing and everything and too many and im so alone empty gone gone gone make the pain stop i beg of myself but ive always been such a *******

What are the things that you wish to remember about me
You better write them down before they all slip away
I keep having this recurring dream recurring nightmare
That you forget about me or remember only the bad
Or only the good but not me never all of me for who I am

I run the back roads
to our hill
and stare at Boston
in the distance

I wish you
were that close,
close enough to see
so I know you're there

i suppose i am composed
of some of my mother
and parts of my father
no matter how i try to shed them both
i am warped by premature exposure
to prostitution and *******
my veins are ***** from
the needles i don't use
and my head is clear from
the pills i don't take
painted skin covers
the pale emptiness
my skin as a canvas
that all too accurately reflects
the blank white nothing inside of me
cruel hope after hope that's been
left to disappoint
disapproval of myself end to end
fiber to fiber is deemed inadequate
so focus outward forget about this body
how to impact the world
how to change the world
how to fix the world

the rim of your beer can
tastes like your stale cigarettes
i choke on the lingering flavor
persistent in my mind
you're overwhelming from afar
if we were closer perhaps
i would build up immunities
to your snares that have me
caught up and falling
head over heals drowning
only at the rim of your beer can

I'm addicted to having my heart broken

Sometime while he's groping my chest
He rips my heart out of it

I live for being lied to

Keeping my eyes covered staying blind
As to only rely on his words

I'm crazy about being a game piece

To be handled and moved wherever he pleases
For toys are meant to be played with

Mostly though
I'm addicted to having my heart broken

I miss the boy
               Who would reassure me

        But then again I'd bet

You miss the girl*
               Who didn't need reassurance

I feel like you're mad at me
But you know
You know how I am
You know that I'm in a fractured state of mind
You know that I don't remember what I say late at night
you know that I have to delete our conversations because my phone is stupid
You know that I can't accept myself
You know that I need someone patient to calm me down
You know that I'm hard to fight
You know that I've been ****** up for the past 11 years
You know that I'm constantly terrified of everything
You know that I am most afraid of being left alone
You know how I am
And I feel like you're mad at me

You said you cared once
I wish you'd keep telling me that
Instead of *there's nothing I care about

There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it.
I draw rings, the ringing in my ears.
Dark circles appear under my eyes;
I am so tired from doing nothing.
The lights flash and we don't blink,
Forces clash and we don't blink.
I can't hear what you're not saying,
What you're not praying, proclaiming,
For there's a ringing within my ears.
It drowns out the stars,
It drowns out all fright for
I am so tired from doing nothing.
Peace and retreat drive me mad;
Retreat is not peace, it is pieces.
There's a ringing, ringing in my ears,
You can't hear it, the people don't hear it...

the rim of your beer can
tastes like your stale cigarettes

A good day, today was a good day
Laughter and joy came out to play
But happiness can never stay

Put me to your lips and inhale
Taste me on your tongue
Before you force me out
In a puff of smoke
Watch me disappear into the air
As I swirl around you
Bring me back in
For round two

i am seaglass
collect me along the shore
i am once jagged edges
now dulled by time and salt
wounds full of salt
i have forgotten what sweet is
foggy clouded
clarity lost for the sake of beauty
i am discarded
collect me along the shore
i am scattered in pieces
that no longer fit together
curves and waves
i am tough i am smooth
i have lived my life in rough waters
water and rock
have rearranged my shape
i am under your feet
collect me along the shore

Navy blue sweater
Five buttons up
Reaches my thighs

Brush the sleeves
Graze my hand
I gasp and sigh

But you turn away
*I wish you'd stay

I wish I knew how to
Freeze myself
In a cryochamber
So I could wake up
In fifty years or so
When no one will
Remember me
Or what I've done

I hate me, I hate me, I hate me
For being so jealous, possessive, angry
Why do I ruin everything
By claiming each as my own
Why can't I just let things go
I lead myself to further pain
I keep saying "my" and "mine"
And expecting a long time
I don't, don't want to share
I don't, don't want to care
Not even fair, when I act this way
I'm the one who'll never stay
I keep setting myself up to fail
Punishment in my own twisted jail


I make people my whole world
I orbit someone like they're my sun
But it's cold, being left in space
They never wanted me in the first place

Whether or not I was "asking for it"
Shouldn't matter

You love her
You still love her
I don't know how I forgot
That she was always everything
You were looking for
I was never
Enough

If I love you
It means you
Can break me
If I don't
I could miss
Out on
Someone and something
Amazing

He laughs at me

When I arch my back

Trying to get the last drop

...save everyone," they said.

                                                                    They were right,
                                                                          I died trying.

I hear my father ****** my brother in the next room
Before he slits my mother's throat
Brother dearest already stabbed me prior to his death
Father simply ignores me and walks right out the door
He's gone to light the town with matches
While I cut myself into pieces
I leave littered on the floor

Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
Tell you I'm okay
The days that are bad are the days that I'm smiling
******* laughing at my blood
Stab me, stop being kind
Only spend time with people who hurt me
Use me, hit me, pick me apart, crush me
Don't ask me what I ate or if I drank
Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
Laugh you off, flip my hair
Don't let the pretty colors fool you
I'm not the church girl you think I am
Don't let the brains fool you
I'm not the try hard you think I am
Don't let the smiles fool you
I don't have a cure
Don't be mad at me when I lie to you
And tell you I'm fine

My mind lies to my heart, says,
We don't love you,

My heart lies to my mind, says,
We hate the pain,

But my mind knows,
Just as my heart knows,
How addictions work.

I want someone to look me in the eyes
like nothing else matters

I want to wake up to him
or a text from him or something more
than the empty feeling in my chest

I want someone to share random thoughts with

I want him to pull me into
his jacket and zip us up inside

I want to talk to someone
about theories, ethics, words,
the universe and more

I want someone to call me at one in the morning
and tell me to look at Polaris

I want him to pick me up unexpectedly
and make me laugh hysterically until I snort

I want someone to trade literature with,
sleep in with, cuddle with

I want someone to miss me when we're apart

She rises at night,
As new or full,
And she pulls him to his feet.

He rises at the sight of her,
A reflection of her old self,
Yet still illuminated
In her inconsistent darkness.

When she is unbalanced
He aches to compensate,
Attempts to return her kindness,
But he is left merely trying,
With her unsure of dying.

For the moon can raise the tide,
But the tide can't light the moon.

You never looked at me like that...

Together I see you
I try not to stare
That girl do you love her
Or simply not care

Attention focused
On one another
That boy do you love him
Or does it not matter

I don't care and it doesn't matter
Maybe you two will be happy together

For
You never looked at me like that...

"Forever?"* is too long;
"Love me?" is too difficult;
"Stay?" is too needy;
"Hold me?" is too awkward...

Some how my questions are always wrong,
I just want to regain the love that I once felt;
But I'm left with broken bones and broken heart on the ground pleading,
And he dusts himself off, walking away telling me to *"keep going onward."

I still want you, but I know know you aren't worth it.
You aren't worth it, so I'm over you.
So over you, that I dream about you.
I dream about talking to you.
Talking to you, I'd push you.
Push you back against the wall and tell you.
I'd tell you I want you and plant my lips.
I'd plant my lips all over you, making your skin bloom.
Skin bloom and desire sigh.
Desiring sighing, let's go somewhere private.
Somewhere private, I'll at last show you after months.
After months of built up ****** frustration, you'll see.
You'll see what I've been wanting for so long to show you.
I'll show you what you've been missing.

I miss the way you would hum to me
with your lips moving on my bare back...

I miss the way you'd look into my eyes
from above, me on your bedroom floor...

I don't know how to cover the miles,
Hell, I don't even quite know how I feel,
But I know that tonight we're both alone.
I wish I could just hold your hand,
Hold you close and tell you, "I'm here."
Physically transcending the miles between
Seems impossible for you and me.
How do you hold broken bones together;
How do you dig one grave in two places?
We're buried under the rubble together,
But I can't grab on to you darling.
How can we keep each other from sinking?
We can't even sink with one another.
I just want to be able to kiss your cheek,
And show you I'm real and here for you,
But I don't know how to cover the miles...
Hell, I don't even quite know how I feel.
I just want us to stop having to be alone.

Babe,
You've been distant
The whole time
You've been home...

I see you out with her,
And my soul is crushed.

I always thought,
That out of the two
Hearts you broke,
I was your favourite...

Why did you eat that?
Don't you know
You're already fat?

Everyone is staring,
At the way your skin
Is swelled and sagging.

No one wants you,
With all that extra cargo
You look 200 pounds.

Put the food down
And go for a run --
You look disgusting.

Why did you eat that?
Don't you know
You're already fat?

Pink poinsettia petals
Are really just leaves
What makes them so rosy
Or the red ones bleed

I think they are quite like me
All year round my mother
Grows them in our house
Most days they must stay inside
I do the same, in here I hide

Leaves green, on occasion wilting
My smile white, I'm always faking
Potted plant, forced to grow
On one, set path chosen for it
By my mother like she does for me

Pink poinsettia petals
Are really just leaves
What makes them so rosy
Or the red ones bleed

Have you ever seen a yellow sky?
Have you ever made a man cry?
Have you knocked on the cabin in the woods?
Have you let a friend down when it mattered?
Have you seen the smile on the face of the homeless?
Have you called out after that special someone in a public space?
Have you pleaded for another chance to change and be better?
Have you given everything for something you believe in?
Have you watched someone you love die in front of you?

She asked for tonight and he was ready for forever
So he just held her while the window shutters shook

She muttered in her sleep and he called her name when he was awake
So she said his back because he made her heart beat faster

She stood calf deep in the wind and snow and he wished her inside
So he stepped into the storm and was just in time to see her collapse

She was the only one he wanted and he was the only one around for her
So she let him bring her inside and he held her for another night

She woke in his arms once more
                           He dreamt of their together days and always
But his sleeping face scared her
                           But he was unaware of her uncertainties

So she left at his side a note to replace her
                           And he wasn't sure where to look for her this time

               But                                                                  ­           While
She had after all only asked for tonight                   He was ready for forever

Why did you stay
I never asked you to stay
I wish you would leave
It would be easier
My mind distorts reality
Though I'll never tell how much
But when you're here I can't
Go and get the hell out
I can't do this with you here
Leave, leave, I'm begging dear
I need to get away, as do you
You just leave me
And I'll leave you
Walk down the stairs and
Don't come back
I'll just stay here with shards of glass
Then when I turn and see
You've gone down the street
I'll slit my throat
With no one left
                              to hold on to me