We started out as friends in the south
Used to spend nights at each other's house
Over time our nights would be spent online
Thousands of miles apart; together inside
Many years spent making memories,
Somehow you got the worst and the best of me.
We were kids then but we're adults now
Our friendship is lost, will it ever be found?

I open my door to the icy cold,
Look up at the moon to see it's no longer full.
I start my walk and notice the ground glitters
It's kind of funny, how black ice likes to shimmer

It wasn't shimmering when I was drifting earlier
Although the thrill and dodge made me shiver,
Invisibility never caused me to quiver
All it gifted me was loneliness and shelter

Does the ice feel the same kind of chill
As it wraps the world in a frozen thrill?
Beneath its glimmer, secrets are concealed,
A dance with shadows, as the moonlight spills.

With you I was my true self,
Would always chase you around
Never wanted to fall down
But I'd follow you down

The space between you and me
Was always blurry only for me
It seems you never really knew
Just how close I was to you

It was toxic, it was bad
I didn't know it and now I'm sad
Every time I want to talk,
I stop myself and go for a walk

Every thought inside my mind
was yours to hear, I'd never hide
True friends shared everything
Was the message I received

But now everything is twisted
I don't know what was real
And was was scripted
My memories betray the realities

Everything is connected,
I feel like a volcano that has been dormant
but want to release all of my tension.
I want to show you my emotions;

So you can see I'm not a doormat,
I just keep my feelings below the surface,
It's resulted in my body doing the same
Which is why I'm in constant pain.

My trauma has created tunnels of magma,
I can't tell where they end or begin
It's frightening and leaves me upset,
There's no one I can share this with.

I hope for one day to lay out my feelings,
Let everything flow;
Like tears, they'll roll out of me
Covering everyone I've allowed to see

Then will come the tricky thing,
to never bottle anything again.
I don't want to reap havoc on them,
I want to stay empty and peaceful

To know where I end and begin,
It would solve something, wouldn't it?
But I feel like a volcano.
Physically and within.

I'd love to wake up
As a strum in the air
From one lonely girl's song
about how much she cared

She'd appear melancholic
On the side of a road,
Well not exactly the road
She's in a field off on her own

She strums and sings
Letting the wind take away
Every memory and pain
She's experienced throughout
Her days

"I'll run away,
So far you won't see where
My footsteps end- I'll take a train
To the ocean and fly so high"

She makes you feel something inside
You try to meet her in the middle
But didn't realize just how tall the field would be,
so you follow her somber melody

You find the key to her guitar case,
She left it behind, but left no trace
Of which way she went
You still hear her humming

But sit instead and that is why,
She got up and left.

I step in the shower
It feels like it's been hours
Since I turned the faucet on
but the transition makes me pause

I push the curtain to either side,
Making sure it lines the walls,
Spills are something I avoid
Then I can face the waterfall

It surrounds my every fiber
I start to feel like it's a part of me
I connect with my body,
Closing my eyes and remembering

But a loud noise startles me
I hate the anger I feel,
Every sound, crash, clang that's made
It rattles through me

And suddenly I have to face reality,
Reminding myself of who I am
I'm no longer seven or twelve,
I'm an adult in a safe house

The water covers me as I realize I sat down
Sometimes it's easier to find comfort on the ground
I get up and am covered in bubbles
It's nice to zone out and forget my troubles

I still can't talk about you in therapy
I hyperventilate, and it scares me.
I don't understand how us affects me
I always saw you as a safe place for me

I tried to be safe for you too,
But have realized how bad I am at
Comforting others, especially you.
I tried my hardest, but never felt correct

I'd cry and get frustrated
over the urge to protect.
I'm extremely empathetic,
I'll throw myself under the bus, it's pathetic

I feel everything you say,
I take on your emotions
and this seems to cause pain
But I don't know what to say

It just happens,
You share with me
And I feel everything
I try to convey my empathy

To help you feel okay,
All I wanted was to be there
Like you were always, for me
I think the best thing I can do is set you free.

Interruption creates dysfunction,
I try to stay focused but find myself distracted
When my flow state is corrupted
It causes a malfunction.

Why can't you send a message
Instead of speaking to me in person
Calling is a last resort,
I'll wait for your text.

The talking in the office is irritating.
The sound of the fax machine
Papers shuffling
Quiet is key

Headphones help me,
I feel like I'm time travelling
When I put them to use,
Please stay away from me.

Another month has gone
And my cards have been drawn,
I look them over and wait
until I can feel what they say.

I've felt so overwhelmed lately,
Life can be so challenging.
It makes sense when I see
The nine of swords in front of me

I'm surrounded by triggers of anxiety,
People I want to please,
A job I intend to keep,
Time continuing on, forgetting about me.

It's stressful.
But I know things will change,
Eventually I'll flow like a jellyfish
Because the empress appeared today.

I get ****** into expectations
I'm 25 but can't tell you what faith is.
I shut down when I think about saying no,
I guess I still care about what my family knows.

I'm 25 but 12 inside,
I don't know myself and tend to hide.
I have taxes, bills, a dog; my own life
But I'm still the girl who escapes online

I hate to hear their judgements; their insights
I try to connect through words
But say the wrong things,
and get lectured through sighs.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong,
I've tried and tried to find the cause,
I'm so frustrated, but go in circles
I keep looking for our bond.

What I really want is to disappear
Shut my eyes to the relief of tears.
To wake up as strums in the air,
To be a part of my own song.

The space between silence and sighs
It keeps me up in the night.

I never noticed before
Just how much I like control.
Structure, routine.
These things keep me grounded.

I was always made to go with the flow;
The rules, never my own.
When I flip the pages and read my thoughts
I notice I never liked being torn away from focus.

I loved to sit and work on my passions,
Never cringing at myself for being interested.
I think I learned to dislike my interests
Because others didn't and that was cringe to them.

I was made to follow but told to be a leader,
I'll never know which is better or why.
I don't understand the logic or matter,
Can't everyone decide what's important?

For my parents it was tradition,
What was taught to them
and likely the people before,
The question is where does blame lie?

I would be ripped away from creativity,
To be forced to finish my plate and more,
Promised desserts I never received,
To instead dissociate and remain unfree.

I think this was so damaging to me.

My mom took me back through her thoughts,
Shared stories of how troublesome I was,
She said I always had issues
with being torn away from my tasks.

Tells me it wasn't serious,
But she and others beat my ***.
I have to wonder how I felt then.
I was only three and hurt so often.

I decided to skip the yelling eventually,
I'd go to the corner for thinking differently.
Until I would turn and say okay to my mom,
Who'd laugh at me for being upset.

It's interesting how she doesn't see it.
I have always had a hard time with transitions,
Child, teenager, adult, it's been hard.
And I am going to learn why.

I'm a poet,
You don't know it
I stay up writing...
My experience
It's kind of morbid
Lots of things have happened...
You'd be furious,
If you knew
Every thing you've done to me
Has been published...
My blog's my news.
Every bad day,
Every good thing,
has its own place...
In my station, Online.
Since I was fourteen
I've been taunting, you.

Fall can be hard for me,
I remember school years at this time.
Back when things were hard yet simple
and my mind was more kind.

I remember a swinging boat
and colorful flashing lights,
A space ship spinning us round and round,
and feeling so happy inside.

I also have silly memories, but
the one I made them with is gone.
When I remember the hallway giggles
I run. I hide. I sob.

Things at home back then were hard,
My dad was rarely around.
My sisters would bring home friends to keep-
My mom never handled this well.

Our house would be full and I, alone
I'd find my peace in forums and games,
Chatting with men who I thought liked me,
My heart back then was full of hope.

As I grew and moved around,
I found I never really understood myself.
Why do tears bubble up so often?
I freeze, I fawn and forget but don't move on.

Autumn is beautiful but brings up so much.
I miss people I don't know anymore
or have the privilege of seeing
and I'm left to wonder if I ever knew them truly.

I watch the array of leaves change and fall
And wish to be one of them.
I could fall from a branch,
But be picked up in the wind, only to live again.

You ask me for a favor,
I said I have to decline.
When you ask why,
I feel full with pressure

Deep down I think
So I can live my life.
You push for more;
Vague details aren't enough

I feel so anxious,
Why isnt no enough?
You push harder
and I tell you I got a job.

You try to ask me what
and I say it's a secret..
It's mine to keep private
You ignore me.

Days pass until they stop,
You decided to lash out.
You accused me of things,
I feel pushed around.  

I'm tempted to tell you
Just how abrasive you are.
But I take time to process
And respond with charm.

You ignore me again,
I feel a bit burdened..
But you're so passive aggressive,
With your uncomfortable expressions

I didn't make you have kids,
I didn't tell you to run away,
I never made your choices
It's me who I obey.

When I was young I wrote about
How therapy was always trying to trawl me treacherous
With only having gone a handful of times as a child.
Today therapy is a friend to me,
Only trying to tear my troubles from my treacherous hands
To help me understand where they come from
And where I stand.

I'm starting therapy again today,
I'm nervous and excited
but wondering what to say,
I don't want another misdiagnosis

It's always been hard for me to switch,
To stop what I'm doing and move on to the next thing
That I'm told to do, whether it's at home, work or even going to the grocery store.

Sometimes I sit for 20 minutes before going in somewhere.
Punctuality has been a staple for me
Even if it means sitting in my car for an hour,
I will be there on time.

I like having time in between these things to prepare
It's like I need to switch mindsets before I begin,
Sometimes 8 hours felt like a punishment.
Other times it can fly by thanks to dissociation.

My eye lashes are falling out
I never realized how often I pick at them,
Thinking something is in the way
It bothers me day after day

I used to get so many compliments
About how long and pretty they were
But now I see the tiny gaps
Where they've fallen out

It's hard for me to conceptualize the expectations you try to hide,
You're all so sneaky when you ask for my side.
When I say no, it's as if you think I'm being snide,
But all I'm trying to do is make strides.

Understanding that "no" is a full sentence for me,
Grew difficult as it was never an option, you see.
Anytime I could refuse, I would with glee,
Seeking control, even when tempted to agree.

The lack of boundaries harmed our natural bond,
I search for our connection, but when you're around, I tend to fawn.
I dislike this transactional, distant bond.

I ask for quality time and am met with fees,
Being fed a lie that your love language is acts of service, please.
Because I do nothing to help you out, it's decreed,
I must not care; I feel like a bad family member indeed.

I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep.
I don't want to hear the alarms beep.
I want to lay with my eyes shut
only to open them in a dream.

It doesn't have to be romantic or anything
Just something unrelated to life
I think I'm exhausted, let's not get into the why.
I just want to sleep.

When I have no where left to go
I come back to this blog where I feel known.
I type for hours, and don't expect flowers
This page is comfortable, it fits my tone.

If you trace my journey from the start,
There's tears in many moments; a piece of my heart
Years may have passed, but in every part,
Words have been my solace, a work of art.

In this digital haven, where stories are sown,
I've found my refuge, a place to be shown.
Amongst kindred spirits, I've truly grown,
In pixels and text, my feelings flow

When I look at the poems from my past,
Sometimes I smile.
Then I feel mad.
The age I was, becomes so apparent to me.

The younger version of me feels some kind of, well, something.
Each time I take a trip down memory lane
It's hard to not feel something when I remember the pain.

But when I look at the situation today,
After all that I've encountered...
Each stone I've flipped over, and
every waterfall I've checked behind,

I feel so mad at you.

Even the poems we wrote back and forth,
They're so childish, you reference cartoons.
I would have done anything for you,
You plucked me out of my broken world and threw me onto the rift.

I fell asleep at night telling myself stories about an empty apartment with a mattress.
It's so uncomfortable now to look back at.
The fact that you were the hope I had for my future.

It's not okay and I'll never stop thinking this way.

Trying to navigate these bumpy waves,
While maintaining my gaze with my goals.
It's more difficult than the past me could've ever known.

There's a long dotted line that swerves along my map.
I've marked each stop for when I'll take naps,
but I'm still struggling with unexpected crashes.

A wave flips my boat and and it feels like a million minutes go by
Before I patch things up and things feel okay inside.

It feels like a tear in my map,
the map that lines my heart.
How do you recover when someone from your crew falls overboard?

What if something embarrassing happens during my journey and I can't press restart?
These are the kinds of questions I stay up all night asking the stars.

Thanks to you, I figured out
What true love is all about.
I'll never cry again, the way for you I did.

A string tied you and me,
We were the best of friends and enemies.
We hurt eachother like no other unknowingly.

I've cried a lot in my life,
from laughter and all kinds of strife,
but never the way I've cried because of you.

You've brought meaning to my gaze,
Picked me up and told me it was okay.
I'd cling to you, your words like an embrace.

You've stitched wounds and cut me deep,
I'll always remember the secrets we'd keep, Thanks to you, for all our highs and lows

Because of you I'll always know,
just how far I can go.

Golden leaves are bright
I love the hue of the sky
Fall brings me so much joy
Even I enjoy autumn nights

My favorite movie's playing
My dog is by my feet
I'm surrounded in a popcorn blanket
and can laugh genuinely

Sometimes I wish I could share this
But for the first time in a while
I feel happy alone with my dog
Drinking hot chocolate with the window open

The waiting list has an opening
Here's to new hopes and beginnings.
Will therapy benefit me once again
or will I end up hurt in the end?
There is so much I need to fix
and so much to come to terms with.
I never noticed,
and because of me the one who was closest
no longer is.
Why did things have to turn out the way they did?
It's so cliche but I'd do anything to start over again.
There is nothing like having a friend
who you feel so connected with
But when I pick through my nostalgia
I'm left to wonder where the connection is
What do I really know about you?
What was true?
Where did things start to go bad?
The exchanging of passwords I think.
I think that's where it began.
After I saw the things you had said
My heart started to turn black.
It's normal to be mad and say things you don't mean when you don't think anyone's looking.
But you were so important to me back then
I will never forget the feeling I had.
I should have just told you back then that it hurt my feelings
Gotta love growing up with no boundaries
No choices when it came to yes or no
I got hit if I contemplated it
Came to write poems on the internet
And would be groomed by countless men
Think I was in love because of things they said
But I was eleven and they were gross
I played games with you and laughed
Then I'd cry to men I didn't know
In exchange for pictures that made me feel like an adult
Infatuation is a ***** for middle school kids
At least for this girl it was
I'd word ***** so much
Honestly I never stopped
Validation is a drug stronger than any other
I love to feel like I matter
Especially when I care about the person too
I think that's a huge key to why we were a we in my mind.
Whenever I was with you I was high
Until I wasn't, jealousy hit me hard
When I'd see you making plans with others
I always wondered why we couldn't call
Why it was awkward to play games after all
The time that passed between us
I think you knew way before I did
Just how toxic I was
Another guy and I broke up
My insecurities told me you thought I was a ****
A new relationship and I was gone
I don't think we spoke for months
This relationship is different
I think I'm actually in love
I debated infatuation since learning what it was
I wanted to talk to you about it
Eventually I did
I smothered you and hated when I couldn't
Months go by, I'm still word vomiting
You try to set boundaries
I still can't read the messages without crying
I didn't understand and chose to pretend instead
I ignored you and you distanced
It felt like you had passed away.
I try to say hi and it's so awkward
I wished I would die
You reach out and I feel so happy I could fly
I tell you everything I had been holding in
You disappear from my inbox and I cry
This is so toxic I'm in bed grieving a friend
Left to wonder why I do this
The counselor on the line says enmeshment
And I hate myself as I sob to a stranger about you for an hour.
Searching for therapists never made me feel like such a loser.
Wait list, wait list full, wait list
Months pass
You didn't wish me a happy birthday and for the first time in years I didn't tell you either.
I sent nothing.
I'm a bad friend.
New job, New accounts, New acquaintances
I still think of you but only cry on the drive home
Sun sets are pretty
I sit outside with my dog and look at the sky
I think she can feel my pain when she looks in my eyes
It rained for weeks and now the leaves are changing around me
I can live without you and you without me.
You reached out and I crumbled again
I told you about my 988 experience
Why do I do this
I have an episode
I'm the heaviest I have ever been.
But I'm off the therapy wait list.

In the depths of our friendship's sea,
A jellyfish necklace binds you and me.
Silver and pretty, it once shone bright,
A token of love and shared delight.

But I leaned on you, like a child in need,
A caregiver's role, you didn't foresee.
Guilt fills my heart, for the burden I placed,
Yet I know it's not an excuse to embrace.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

I sought shelter in your guiding light,
A refuge from darkness, day and night.
But the weight I placed upon your soul,
Has taken its toll, now I know.

The jellyfish necklace holds secrets untold,
A symbol of the roles we unfold.
In my quest for solace, I caused you pain,
Now I must learn to stand on my own again.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Like ocean waves, our friendship sways,
I must learn to mend my own broken ways.
Acknowledging the wounds, seeking healing's embrace,
Rebuilding our bond, through much needed space.

You're the jellyfish necklace I used to wear,
Beautiful and captivating, but hard to bear.
For you bring out the worst in me,
A love too strong, an attachment I can't see.

Though scars may linger, we'll find our way,
Together we'll navigate the choppy waves.
No longer dependent, but intertwined,
A friendship reborn, with strength we'll find.

Bathed in trauma, poured on you,
Blindly making excuses, I didn't have a clue,
Unintended harm was not my aim,
I swear, from my heart, that's the truth I claim.

Just give me a chance to prove I can change,
Don't turn away, let's break this estrange,
I've learned my lessons, I'm ready to grow,
I can transform, this I truly know.

Lost in the past, flipping photo albums' pages,
Seeking smiles, wondering through the ages,
But now I see the present with fresh eyes,
Fixing what's wrong, no more disguise.

A shared prison, unaware we both dwelled,
Failed to communicate, the stories we withheld,
I tried to speak of demons deep within,
Unaware they held me tight, drowning in their sin.

I plead for a chance, believe I can mend,
Break free from the covers, where the pain won't extend,
Yesterday's weight won't hold us down,
Together we'll rise, wearing courage as our crown.

Glimpsing photos, memories of distant travels,
Questioning why joy seemed to unravel,
But it's not about them, or what they comprehend,
Finding my worth, letting my true self ascend.

Losing my muse, an ache deep within,
Placing you on a pedestal, where love had once been,
Our best memories like a festival's delight,
But I clung too tightly, clouding our sight.

Hurting you, hurting myself, a tangled mess,
I thought I suffered more, but it was just a guess,
Overloaded with clichés, patched on our dark days,
Unaware I was the setup, before the closing phrase.

Keep donning your cape socks, a symbol of strength,
In the end, you shaped me, helping me find my true length

Realizing the mayhem sprinkled into my past
has left such a sour taste with me
it's put my emotions on blast;
finally seeing what happened to me.

I'm beginning to feel better
after having picked out the reminders,
but the child in me is bitter
and wants to see them covered in spiders.

When I die...
Will you visit me sometimes?
Wearing a nice suit,
Would you leave flowers by my name
and say a few words to get through a bad day?

You hide the truth.
Everything you say to me
feels like glue.
I get stuck in it
and don't know what to do...
I always end up finding out the truth,
just not from you.

I binged today. Normally I'd say, "it's okay."
but the truth is that it's not
I wish it weren't so hard to stop, but I have a disorder
One that many people just don't understand.

It's like I have a hole I can't fill inside of me
one that keeps telling me I need to eat more
"You're not full yet, eat this, eat that!" My stomach tricks me
Until it doesn't and I feel the consequences of my actions.

If only I could stop myself.
The people who think it's as easy as telling yourself no are wrong
I spend money on food that I think will help me,
try to create a new habit called "eating healthy."

My disorder just laughs at this.
Because it knows what I'll do the next time I'm feeling anything
I'll go order a McDonalds number 3 large,
or go to the grocery and fill up my cart.

I'll get home and eat it too quickly til I can't move anymore
Then cry and feel angry that I'm too afraid to throw it up.

I quit therapy, despite it helping me.
The place and time stopped being right.
I think she'd be so disappointed
I'm full of shame again tonight.

There's something I desire
more than other things.
I can't stop this craving;
this longing to be free.

Maybe in another life, place, or time
bigger than you and me,
I'd be running through a flower field,
or exploring new cities.

Honestly I just want to run,
run far, far, away..
I wish I didn't care what they all say,
I'm sick of all this ****.
The tricks, and the gimmicks
Why cant I run away from it all?

Is it the rules I was given?
Or maybe the trauma I can't fix?
The way I start and always stop
just to get stuck in the midst?

The flashbacks that don't stop
or the drugs I just throw up,
I'm too scared to take the hint and
start to think "maybe I'm just not meant for this."

Even though I know,
I want to run so far away from here
and stop caring what they say.
I'm sick of all this ****.
The lies they make me say.
Why can't I just listen to my soul?

I hear her yelling deep inside,
telling me I should just go!
She says I can leave any time,
to where, I might not know.

I just can't fathom what might happen,
when I'm all on my own.
I'm scared it won't be worth it,
but what might happen if I don't go?

I'm tangled up in a mess,
the mess of life versus dreams.
It's a ribbon I'm afraid to untie,
because of this it'll always haunt me.

I'll follow you through the galaxy
into black holes, around moons, through seas
but will you follow me to a new atmosphere?
It's a planet that's so far from here.

Am I exceptional enough to capture your attention
if I am will this feature last long enough
for us to be known as star and moon for life?
If you follow me, I'll follow you.

When you're homesick,
you should go outside and close your eyes.
Then look up into the night,
see all the clouds in the same blue sky.

*It feels like home doesn't it?

Laying in the grass
you look up into the sky,
it's a warm night between summer and fall.
The stars twinkle and you let yourself drift off.

You're dreaming.
You're floating up to the stars,
all of the things that make you who you are,
encompass you.

Then you wonder,
is it wrong?
To wish for a savior?
I'm here to tell you it isn't.

It's okay to want someone to save you.
To long for them...
to wish they'd rush into your life
and be there to catch you.

You're only so strong alone.
It's okay to sometimes,
just sometimes...
want someone to be the hero you're dreaming of.

My heart fills up until it's pounding
I freeze and wonder where you are
or what you're doing...
Are we even in the same universe still
or are you out there floating?
A lot of my life has encompassed you somehow.
Whether I was just thinking of you during a sad time
or laughing while reminiscing...
I miss you and hold you in my memories.
Though, we'll probably never meet again
I hope time will untangle someday for me too
and we'll cross paths come what may.

Life is spinning around and around, things keep circling around and around, we all are moving like a whirlpool swooshing in our feelings until we thrash through enough to feel better.. but it just repeats and repeats.

Why am I tearing up
as I'm looking back at all this stuff?
I know I can't go back to these days,
so what's the point in feeling this way?

I dont remember the last time
I spoke to most of them,
So many of them are married now.
Of course I am happy for my past friends.

Sometimes it's just hard.
These people used to be the light in my life.
I'd run off the school bus to get inside,
just hoping they hadn't started a que yet.

I hoped so strongly back then
that they'd be waiting for me to get back.
Everything changed so fast.
Everything changes so fast...

I hear his laugh
and the world stops spinning.
No one ever told me how good it felt
to just be happy.

To take a look at your life
and know what's happening.
Even if it's still the beginning
things can change so fast.

I never thought I'd move out
I always believed I'd be sad forever,
that I'd end up settling for someone
who always hurt me and made me cry.

Today I'm happy.
I can see my future unraveling.
I am in love with my best friend,
and I don't know what will happen tomorrow...

But I know it will be okay.

Thunder claps before the lightning strikes.
At least it did for me, and I learned
how a storm can be a beautiful thing.

The sprinkling rain
felt like kisses on my cheek.
Flutters came along after,
and swept me off my feet.

Everything felt better in the rain
that flooded past my ankles.
Even if it resulted in a sprain
it was still worthwhile.

The thunder was so vibrant,
I wanted it to last forever.
I thought it would have been nicer,
but the thunder was the tip of the iceberg.

After the thunder was over
I had no time to waste.
I tried dancing alone in the rain
and jumped from puddle to puddle.

It just wasn't the same.

When the lightning struck I was lost,
determined to make things work,
I stood tall on the perilous ground.
I would stay until things cleared out.

I refused to let this time be like all the rest!
I wanted to pass the test with flying colors
but I lost myself trying to impress others.
I was stuck in a downpour for what felt like forever.

I let the lightning strike me
but I made it out alive.
I'm smiling up at the sky, in the sunlight
that's peaking out at me.

A storm is a beautiful thing.