I lost myself in you.

I tried my best to be the best, for you.

I felt a loneliness each day as I'd wait for you to say hi, until I met the ones that helped my eyes to not cry.

I slowly overcame that rope that so tightly kept me attached to my bed, to dwell in the sadness I felt. The sadness you helped to grow.

I realized that I didn't have to be the version of me that worked with you the most. I could be the best version of me for myself, and not anyone else.

That was the moment I knew we didn't fit. It was all an illusion I had created in my head. So I wished you the best, and we said goodbye, and now to you I'll be remembered as "girl number five."

If girl number five could give you any kind of advice, she would tell you to get over all five of the girls you've had in your life before looking for number six. Maybe if you do that, six will be the one that fits with you.

Who am I?
Someone tell me because I don't know, all I know is that I'm scared of myself and hurting. I don't like the way I'm turning. I hate myself and can feel the burning. I'm not infuriated I'm just sad. I'm a sad shell of a person who lost themself in someone else; something else. What did I ever really want? When did I change and why? Who am I? Someone tell me because I don't recognize who's looking back at me in the mirror. What I see is a whirlpool full of my deepest fears.

I can feel the pressure building
But I don't want to burst, I'm not ready.
I don't want to cry anymore,
so don't let me.
Just hold me,
tell me something, anything to help me
I don't want to shatter.
I'm so afraid of the backlash and chatter.
Don't walk away yet,
please don't go.
I'm so ******* tired of being alone.
That's all last year was,
and it's eaten at me enough.
I can feel the monsters teeth still,
gnawing into my heart.
It burns like nothing else.
I want to erase it all from the start.

For so long I was blinded,
but now I see clearly.
You blamed me,
you can never be at fault.
Maybe twice you gave in
but the rest was barren.

In the beginning it was obvious,
I was struck with a new kind of substance.
but mixed in with the distance, lies and resistance.
It felt like for so long, I was inexistent.

I tried so hard,
but I was never your lifeguard.
I was just a distraction,
and I'm sure, soon enough you'll be on to the next one.

We danced a convincing number,
but your steps were always out of order  
you played me a beautifully painful song,
leaving my ears bleeding all night long

I wanted to keep dancing with you,
I wanted to sing by your side  
I tried to move slower, faster too,  
I tried to sing in the right tune...

Little did I know,
when you were looking away,
You were staring at the one
who couldn't dance the right way

Her bad moves, spread to you, maybe unintentionally,
Then you hurt me, you crushed me, you pushed me away...

Now we're no longer dancing.
We'll never sing again,
and I'm all alone now,  
Smiling again.

it's all over
you told me the truth,
you said the words
that i think i always knew.
it's all over with you.

I want to hold on to you,
even if it burns me.
I want to be next to you,
despite how you've hurt me.

When I try to write poetry these days,
I feel tone deaf with the words I choose in some ways.
"How should I word this,
If I say that will readers catch on,
will he catch on?"
It makes me want to stop.

Some people say my sad brain deceives me, I wonder if it's true?

I didn't want to hate you,
but I'm trying to accept that I do.
There's no way we will fix this,
you're not the right personality type to.

It's becoming so hard to express myself, especially here. It makes me want to crash into the ocean and disappear.

I'd rather be cold with him, than be cold with someone else.

You make me smile
by doing the smallest things.
You make me feel happy
when I'm becoming upset or angry.
You make me forget those things
that made me so upset.
I'm sorry I can't stop staring at you
but it's your fault my heart's not taking a rest.

I'm a child again.
Always stuck in the middle.
No one is looking to make sure
I won't fall and get caught in a riddle.

You've pulled all of their eyes to you.
No one can invite others over.
You've made it so no one can do
the things they were planning to
before you decided to stay with us.

I think you’re amazing,
the things you do
the way you say things,
how entertained you become
when you’re fighting cassowaries.
You make me want to be better,
you teach me things, even through letters.
I’m so proud to be the person next to you.

I try to come down
when's he's not around, or sleeping.
I tried telling you once
and you said to just keep bleeding.

You don't understand or want to know
about how my wounds have deepened
I feel like I'm in the middle of a crowded street, screaming.
You wouldn't know about that feeling.

How I've wanted to jump off, into the deep end.
You lack the care that I so desperately want.
It often feels like you're just throwing out taunts.
Why do things have to be this way?

No one cares that you’re hurting.
They don’t understand how it’s controlling.

I want out of here.
Let me out,
let me disappear.
I want to turn inside out and melt,
sink into water and ripple out.
I want to go home.

It’s burning up around me,
every time you glance at me I try to hide.
Because I know what you’re thinking inside.

There’s never any pausing with you.
You’re always asking me to do more things for you.

what am i supposed to say
when it feels like i should say nothing?
should i just stay quiet and miserable,
or say things that could bring on a horrible battle...
i think i’d rather crawl back into my bed.

Every time you look at me,
I just want to scream.
So I get a pack of crackers
and move to the next room,
the one that smells like dust and old things.
Every time I see you glancing over your ***** shoulder
I get chills up my spine
and just want to cry.

Please be patient with me,
I know, sometimes I get angry
over rather stupid things.
Usually because I want your time,
your affection...
I know in the end,
we're not disconnected.

The car slows down
and in the moment
so does the sound,
all I can hear is my heart.

The car stops and so do I,
as I start to cry
I let everything out
that was being held inside.

I once wrote about one sad Jellyfish,
that disappeared trying to find her place,
looking back now I wonder how
she swam so far away,
when she was always safe.

Some days I want to be completely alone,
on others I’m crying for friends I don’t have.
Sometimes I want to go out and have fun,
other times I feel like a troll came
and super glued me to my bed over night.
It’s so exhausting, being scared and tired all the time.

So often these days, I find it hard not to cry as time passes.
I look at the clock and wonder how far I'll actually make it.
I tell myself "when I move out I'll be happier...
I won't wake up like this anymore."
but at the end of the day I lay in bed filled with fear,
that I won't know how to be anymore.

I'm trying so hard to just keep swimming,
but more often than not, the Orcas visit me.
I'm more so floating, similar to the Velella
I keep going until I can't take anymore,
then end up washed up with the shore.

I'm so tired of your perverted glances.
Every time I see you now, I become so angry
due to there being no consequences.

I try to hold back the tears,
as my phone shines in my face
I cover my eyes with my palms
to try to hide any trace of what slipped away.
I’m so tired of being alone.

My heart aches with too many emotions,
I want to throw them away.
I wish I could do what others say,
and forget these things that fill me with rage.

I look back over
all of our time together,
I see the smiles,
the tears and the laughs.
everything that’s in between
is also special to our past.
The things I’ve wanted to forget,
the things that make my heart skip,
they all mix together
and give me more reasons to love you.

you remind me of a certain someone,
someone who i was close to like no other,
who caused me so much pain and stress.
exhaustion is a mess and I won't do that to myself again.

I don’t have many,
but if I could take some back,
I would never have gone to that party
and I would never have stopped writing back.

Late in the night these days,
when I think of what occurred back then,
how I said nothing about it,
I can’t help but cry.

The same reaction happens
when I remember how broken I felt inside
as I’d let myself get drunk and high.
Nearly every night for weeks.

The way I pushed you out,
the way I said goodbye,
the way I curled up in that room
and prayed to something that I’d die.

I didn’t like being sick.
I hated the emptiness.
The loneliness that consumed me.
I shouldn’t have reacted that way.

I just want to wake up tomorrow,
and forget these things.

I like to be reassured,
If I’m not I worry and stress.
so I try to tell you often,
about how you’re not like the rest.

I wish there were a system in my mind
that had filing cabinets and computers  holding all of my memories inside so I could just zip you away, but it doesn’t work that way.

I'm completely comfortable, but I'm not.*

I'm sinking into my bed, under warm blankets with happy thoughts of us.
Until I remember... you're not beside me. My heart aches as I'm reminded of how comfortably uncomfortable I am. Knowing you're not holding me now, but you are.