Sunrise brings realization that you are really gone
Amidst the golden beams poured onto my lawn
Morning sky wide with opportunity blue
All I'm able to focus on is you
Taking time to change your mind
The veil of denial rendering me blind
You notice me when it's required
Games have made me so ******* tired
Rays of sunshine warmly fall onto my cheeks
Have not worn an authentic smile in over three weeks
The birds sing a cheerful serenade
Their musical voices to my ears all but fade
You block any memory remaining here
Would be happier if all trace of me disappeared
Will hear your compliments if there's something you need
Motives hidden between your lines aren't hard to read
Sunset floods fire
Room filled with a glow
Goodnight said to secrets you alone will only know
Footprints on my heart because you tread upon my chest
Stomping the vulnerable parts you once caressed
You do not observe scars you left on my skin
You're too selfish
Subconsciously rubbing it in
The space you once occupied is now vacant and cold
Chasm of darkness is all it seems to hold
Blackness comes creeping as the light goes down
Relieved night cloaks my visible frown
Swallowing earth but it sticks in my throat
When it does finally reach my stomach I bloat
Bites I choked down churn in my gut
Tempted to *****
I keep my mouth shut
And fill the gaps in your life with cheap connections
Lost
Fool yourself by picking random directions
I suspect eyes will not sparkle for long
You with someone else just has to be wrong
Reality is not black and white
In fact colors are brighter because I feel grey
Don't understand how you could lose my love and be okay

So scraps are what I have to show
Find myself amidst the undertow
A pathetic pile of perfumed dreams  
Like pretending life is greater than it seems
This multiverse molded with illusions and tricks
To knock you down just for kicks
Nothing glamorous about depression
A void that leaves the deepest impression
Feeling like rocks loaded onto my back
As if gravity is out of whack
Attempting to rise off the floor
Each movement leaves muscles sore
Past mistakes written in blood
Try but fail washing away with a flood
So sick and tired staying the same
Doubt and fear the scapegoats to blame
Reasons irrelevant nevertheless
Little extra effort might lead to success
I am aware everything is bound to fall apart
One by one shards will chip off my heart
I attempt reassembling it with some glue
To give it away like deja vu
These choices I cannot explain
Behavior proof I must be insane
Wasting more minutes than I have to spare
Fish out of water and I'm gasping for air
Can't you see I'm drowning?
A sea of my regrets
Ghosts dancing on horizon staring at their silhouettes
I think about years I continue to let slip through my hands
I'm so exhausted chasing answers to a puzzle I don't understand
Scared to admit this the extent of what I'll become
Wonder if I'll ever escape the place that I am from
I yearn to love now like I loved back then
Believe in magic and forever again
But hopeful naivete faded along with the sparkle in my eye
Like while I've been in limbo best opportunities passed me by
In a cerebral cage confidence confined by bars
Self-acceptance shackled by a multitude of scars
I am sorrier than lips will ever audibly speak
Unsure if my dungeon will let me discover the exit I desperately seek
This nightmare of creation darkens at an alarming rate
Need to wake up from this coma I'm in before it is too late

I wonder where I went wrong
My best days have all come and gone

I thought I wanted to be clean
Never had that with you
Always been too complacent
Found myself addicted too

But forgive me for fantasizing
Hard to give this one up
It seems like we call for a refill
Right before we reach the bottom of the cup

You will not ever call it quits
There's still that awful hope
Inside that keeps me holding on
Have never quite been able to cope

With the idea of living without your touch
Maybe I need to accept
Never be able to breathe alone
Do anything to forget

So I'll try to abstain from drugs
Hurt by own expectations
Hollow and heavy simultaneously
Feeding our eternal damnations

There is an ocean dragging down
Sinking right there with you
Determined to catch or pull ahead
Save or at least crash before you do

Breeding loneliness
Quiet rooms
The parts that we lost
The color no longer flushing our cheeks
Eyes forever glossed

Stuck finding you becoming stronger
To my surprise
Your thoughts to me as they appear
They're corrupted with lies

Silence reveals missing self-truths we seek
Tell myself to focus on it
You often provoke me to anger
I can only blame you a bit

Tell you that you are wonderful
I love you for who you are
Part of me burns with envy
Alone
I sit somewhere far

It is easier to fight than explain
I'm upset when nothing's wrong
Feelings the result of hormones
Chemicals in my skull so strong

Emotions can't seem to stop
I have to maintain
Over and over they openly try to control me
Inside of my brain

I feel depression sinking deeper
With overwhelming fear
Time has taken its toll on us
Do you want to be here?

I never have been good at receiving compliments
Unwilling to overlook numerous cracks, scars, and dents
I liked myself once
Long long ago
Lot happened to slowly make self-esteem low
Now when peers tell me I'm pretty I assume it is a lie
I'm only growing older each day that passes by
Crying does not help but I can't stop the tears that fall
Most days can't stand my reflection at all
It is easier looking in the mirror when day is captured by night
Disguising dark blemishes all too clear in the light

You left in a state of confusion

I was sure what we had was concrete
All of a sudden I found myself drowning in a flood of emotions

Living for your twisted amusement
I am taking risk after risk
To be friends like I promised
Help you find happiness

When I was your girl that seemed simple
Had it figured out
Life took the things I knew about you
Replaced them with a load of doubt

It all happened within my reach
I was too slow to turn the tides
Losing all I clutched close to my heart
When I wouldn't loosen my grip time pried

Those who predicted our demise
Lifted their gaze to point and laugh
In that position I realized something
I was meant to grow from this mishap

It was a part of my journey
The truth was made openly clear
Dark clouds loomed over  sweet perfection
Horizon no longer smudged by denial and fear

Senses aren't functioning very well
In the center of your games
This place I recognize without hesitation
I sit and strategize methods to break the chains

There is no hand to conquer
Though this chess match was fun
I've learned you never play fair
You just cheat and cheat until you've won

I am having hard time accepting truth
No clue how to survive
World without your presence Is not a world
In which I long to be alive
No one cares the way you did
Space in heart nothing can fill
Numb myself with substances
Sorrow impossible to ****
No hope for better tomorrows
Barely make it through today
Room shrinking with each breath
Choke on each word I try to say
Pass the time getting high as I can
An attempt to avoid dwelling on greif
Temporary band-aid to cover wound
Relief always too brief
Move only when necessary
Every step exhausts my feet
When walking I slowly trudge forward
As if legs are stuck in concrete
Around others maintain composure
Can even manage to smile
Inside back of my mind pain throbs
Prowling all the while
And I bottle up tears within
My eyes never stay dry for long
For my effort is ever in vain
Failing to be stable and  strong
This is more difficult than I ever imagined
Nightmare manifested in one blink
Depth of my agony cannot be captured
In range of sound or intricacies of ink
Box of memories stored in brain
Mustering courage to close
Replay past moments until my head spins
Speeding in circles train of thought goes
Is there end to the madness I feel?
Chaos warps perception into knots
Drive myself crazy examining events
Can't quite connect the dots

I'm not sure what to say to you
Seemed to have lost my voice
So I guess writing it down on paper
Is my only other choice

Only a tiny part of me is sad
You decided to go a different way
Not ready for something serious
At least I'm not today

I may be drenched in melancholy
But the fault lies not in you
Depressed long before we met
Your presence made me feel less blue

I couldn't describe accurately
The plethora of emotions inside
The strongest of these is envy
Of the one who gets to be by your side

Right behind is indignation
In a close second place
At the way you handled it
Without any tact or grace

I'm just waiting for you to talk to me
I suppose you don't possess the nerve
But how can you look at me and believe
This treatment is what I deserve?

I wasn't set on a relationship
It was you who started this
And it was your actions that convinced me
I was more than just lips to kiss

You told me you liked me
I warned you wouldn't for long
Your doubt warmed my center
But it has now been proven wrong

I recall you saying that you didn't want
What you had with her before
But maybe she has really changed
And it won't be hard anymore

I wish you both all the happiness
And luck this cold world can hold
Sincerely hope she is the one
To stand by you as you grow old

I don't know when my turn will come
Or if my heart is capable of love at all
But what is meant to be will be
It's just not our time to fall

I do not know if you see it how I do
Maybe I am the one to blame
For making myself too available
Smothering the flame

But you appeared to be an adult
I assumed you were somewhat mature
Different from my troublesome ex
Who just made me insecure

Only to find out you're no better
Lying like all the rest
Omission is still a form of deception
I must say I'm unimpressed

I thought we were closer than that
That you would give me honesty
What have I done to make you scared
Of telling the truth to me

A simple explanation was all it would take
For why I was being neglected
Instead dwelled on my every flaw
Wondering which was rejected

To discover it's not me at all
But someone else that caused this change
Actually comes as a relief
Although that might sound strange

I understand that love never dies
Because I'm going through the same thing too
The only difference is that the person I miss
Replaced me with someone new

Which I am surprisingly grateful for
Because we are better off apart
No matter how much it kills my soul
Or paralyzes my heart

If he wasn't taken I truthfully don't know
If I would be able to resist
Although I know he is no good for me
Tempting urges persist

So I wish you would have been forthcoming
And shown me a level of respect
I can't tell if it is my feelings
Or your ego you're trying to protect

You behaved like a gentleman
Until you didn't want me around
And instead of letting me down properly
You didn't bother to make a sound

But I guess you don't owe me a reason
No commitment hanging between
It is just that personally I have a problem with
People who say what they don't mean

I process conversation in a literal way
When speaking aloud I follow through
So naturally my brain presumes everyone else
Is inclined to mean what they say too

I forget sometimes how cheap talk is
And guys want to come off as smooth and sweet
So they fill our ears with ******* without even missing a beat

You told me you would be right back
Left me waiting up all night
But that wasn't that big of a deal
Didn't want to seem uptight

Then you took off on a road trip
Without saying farewell
That's when I suspected something was up
It was fairly easy to tell

Then when I found out you drove past my house
Spent time right down the road
And didn't bother to stop for a second
That's when I wanted to explode

You blew me off two days in a row
Yet give your attention to a *******
Do you get how low that made me feel?
Like you just used me to hit and quit (it)

And then when you finally show your face
You barely speak two words to me
I didn't know what pushed you away
Just wished I was able to see

It wasn't until later that night
I saw her Facebook story posts
And it dawned on me that I
Wasn't actually what you wanted the most

Don't know why you couldn't just say so
Would have saved me a lot of frustration
The only thing I deduce is that you
Weren't man enough to handle confrontation

Communication is key that is true
To understanding and resolution
Yet your cowardice tricked you into the false belief
Avoidance the appropriate solution

Running away from friction
Because you lack the bravery
Has really shown your true colors
And I don't like the hues I see

I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up
When we had hardly just begun
But I sensed a genuine attraction
And with you always had fun

But history outweighs sparks
Shouldn't come as a surprise
But if you regret it don't come crawling back
Because I refuse to be your consolation prize

I do not want to argue anymore
Show me the way to the door
I would rather slum it surfing couch to couch
Than hide from life as I slack and slouch
Look down upon from your self-righteous horse
Insults hurled til your voice is hoarse
And "wouldn't you feel bad if I died?"
As if unaware of how I feel inside

Tell me I'm beautiful
Then tell a lie
Hug me with need
Before you make me cry

Kiss me with passion
Then cut me down
Love you for everything you are
You are tired of having me around

Heart is sore from fighting
Morning, noon, nightfall
Wish I stood my ground
To you I once more crawl

Peace of mind or a piece of mine?
A place to run to or away from?
Hoping to experience love again
Instead looks like I'm going numb

With the scars upon my heart
See me almost exactly the same
Why can't you always make me feel beautiful?
Instead of feeling constant pain

Everyone says
"Do whatever makes you happy"
Don't mention the cost of it though
You do not know the price until your choices
Come collect and tell you what you owe

In moments you don't realize
Consequences of what you do
Only after it's too late
You can see what would have been best for you

Some decisions too expensive
Until you get the bill you won't know
By then you can't go back and choose
Different directions to go

So bear in mind that every action
And mistake is a tattoo
No matter how costly our regrets
Every one we can never undo

Before moon comes out to show
Lack of progress I think I'll get drunk
Could make better decisions
Life is easier to flunk

I look down, hide my shamefIul eyes
Heart lays in the dirt
Wrung out, tossed aside like trash
Can I run from this hurt?

I placed expectations high
In the wrong box, the wrong shelf
Cannot disentangle, stuck to my mistakes
Try but fail to fix myself

**** it, I am gonna get high
Life too short to live sober, full of sorrow
Rather die tonight with smoke in happy lungs
Than survive an endless number of substance free tomorrows

Do not stay up waiting for me
You should get some sleep
Lie down and try counting our kisses
Instead of counting sheep

I close eyes and count to ten
Take shaky breath of air
Hesitate to open them
Afraid to see you are no longer there
I want to make you happy
Sometimes that seems so tough
Despite golden intentions
Efforts are never enough
Then we build expectations
Late into night
At first both exceed them
Until sparks ignite fight
Yet fire lights lantern
To guide way through the dark
Ecstasy acts as glowing beacon
On weightless journey I embark
Your laughter rings like chords in ear
You got me above clouds so high
Trust earned like a certification
Learning to let hang loose fears you untie
Teaching to speak with a tender tongue
Feeling finer than I have in years
I hope that beneath the surface
Devotion is as deep as it appears
Appreciating your words and savoring
Time we have before it disappears

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching
I have not one clue
What I could get you to show you I care
Or worthy thing I could do

Because you deserve more than I can afford
What I can make with my hands
I am broke so my options are limited
You are one person who understands

That's why we are perfect for eachother
If we are together that's all we need
In tune with the others thoughts
Minds can practically read

Above all we cherish our love
Put our relationship first
Endured a lot of ups and downs
Withstood the very worst

After five Cupids Days united
Only care that you are mine
The way celebrated doesn't matter
As long as you're my Valentine

Courage is being able to stand up and face your fiercest fears

Every evening
No matter how that idea terrifies you

In a world where the masses hide behind money
Might
Mousepads
It is more valuable of a trait than ever

Drowning in their cowardice while the few brave still in existence fight their weaknesses with heads held high

Let me be the first and last thought on your tired mind
When you wake and when you fall asleep leaving the world behind
Your head and heart should both occupy the same space
The image that lingers I hope is my face
Beautiful and cunning do not even begin
To describe who you are outside and in
Secrets that are hidden only beckon and entice
Longing to melt your heart surrounded by ice
Let me be the one who unearths the truth waiting at your core
The parts so deep no one else has ever seen them before
Your body and soul are a treasure I have been dying to find
A wonderous specimen so perfectly designed
Cracks in your surface only make you who you are
So I can't help but love every scar

Waves crashing as I finally "sea"
Darkening with the realization
For the first time I am aware
I no longer hold your admiration

Along the way ignored the signs
Showed up over and over
Skies rough at times but I love you
Valentine's Day and I am sober

You may be reading and thinking
Not fair to speak on your behalf
It's your words and actions that taught me
Huge difference between what's said and how you act

I love the way you come crawling back

Sing false promises

How birds chirp meaningless melody

Turn white morning air to grey diluted clouds

I appreciate how nature is always concrete

Honking goodbyes are fowl flying above our foolish heads

In dark black pupils stories rooted so deep they will never be told

Against skies of blue-black and pink pose in continuous grace

I adore the way you hunt me like a wild predator prowling for it's next meal

I keep track of the number of times you plunge on me
Teeth puncturing prey
Tearing into shreds

And dreams we shared shatter before my empty eyes

You'll come back
You always do

Attracted due to an invisible natural force
Too dynamic to resist

I cannot convey how I feel right now

Not computer
Ball-tip pen
No. 2 pencil
Felt-tip marker
Even mental imagery can depict

I hide in creative silence

One moment everything was fine
We could laugh and life was good
You took my picture while I sat
Cross-legged on your truck hood

Yesterday we snuggled close
Watching Breaking Bad in bed
Away from the harsh Autumn chill
Your chest a cushion for my head

But now you have left me all alone
There was no warning, no flashing sign
Not one single red flag was waved
To let me know you were no longer mine

I had nothing but the bitter truth
When you touched my cheek and said goodbye
But I wasn't ready to let you go
Or watch our relationship crumble and die

It's been so long since I've seen you
I can't believe youve really moved on
But what other explanation is there
For the fact that I'm still here and you're gone?

Made me feel beautiful
Yet sometimes hideous too
Held my confidence in your hand
It crumbled when we fell through

It was the last thing I longed to do

He was THE ONE after all

Playful smile
Mischievous eyes
Coming with the tide to wash up on my shore to stay forever

Wanted fairytale to remain intact

And just like that it imploded and all its perfection scattered a dozen different directions with one catastrophic explosion

He was impossible to capture
I should have realized that from the start

I tried pinning him down but maybe when I did that he couldn't breathe
I crushed his lungs AND his spirit...

I do not want to cry
Or hear those words yelled
I should not have to hide my tears
Yet I lower my eyes when they are welled

My hands should not shake
I cannot stop them though I try
My eyes and nose are red with grief
I do not want to cry

I feel so ******* ungrateful
Doesn't matter what I have
No one wants to know me
Dying
All they see is a mask
Four walls keep building higher
I haven't touched one brick
My pain has done the labor for me
I am just too sick
Depression has got my hands tied
It can pull me around
Warmth diminishing each step
Heart I no longer want to successfully pound
My thoughts slow when I go speak
I can't scream for help
Just for once let me find my voice
When not just by myself