Just one of those days
Sitting to myself as unwanted
Thoughts peirce my mind
And anxiety eats my stomach
From the inside out

Half in agony
Half in delight
As my mind presents images
Of a glass ball gently rocking
Back and forth over a low flame
Smoke billowing from
A golden amber pool
As I inhale
Leaving a fine white residue
On the glass

If only I could feel it one more time
The sensation of my head floating
Above my shoulders
And the energy and confidence
To conquer the world before me

These thoughts are more common lately
And it becomes progressively harder
To remind myself that such pleasures are false
And have only the power to
Unchain the demon
That lives within me

It's amazing how writing about my cravings helps me get through them

Quitting sucks
Always tired
So tired
But can't seem to sleep
Nothing pills can't fix
Anxiety kills me
As my cravings hit
Over and over

Damnit.... Damnit....

I WANT A LINE!!!!

Punching the wall
Again
And again
Knuckles swollen
Bruised and bleeding
Thoughts racing
and still so tired

How long until this goes away?

She calls me
On nights when the room is quiet and dark
The walls shrink as she whispers
empty promises in my ear
Temptation like a velvet shroud
So inviting

But I remember

I remember nights
When the shadows would hold me
In cold embrace
As I shrink to nothing
Footsteps in the darkness
Taps on the walls
Unknown spirits mock me
As I lay choking on her promises
Until all fades into the morning light
All except the fear griping my mind

I remember

Yet I still desire
To answer when she calls

A broken light bulb.
A shattered dream.
A life wasted.
It's not what it seems.

A broken family.
Stressed and tired.
Chance after chance.
Will it ever expire?

Perpetual forgiveness.
Is it worth it?
The tears, the screams.
We are hypocrites.

Shaming you for breaking the bulb.
Yet, we cut ourselves trying to fix it.

I remember when your dad would beat you
those were the times I'd see you cry
I just wanted to help you fly
far away from all the hurt and pain
but you just wanted to die
you were a drain
you drained me
I was there for you through hell and back
when things got bad for me you'd just pack
bloody nose and drunken nights
remember that time you ran away
took too many drugs and almost died
and you blamed it all on me
I didn't give you those drugs
that made you feel like you were covered in bugs
your the one that cheated on me
I had to be free
from all the unimaginable pain you put me through
I was the one who flew
to get away from you and your blue eyes
a big part of me dies
when you come to this small town
we still hook up every time you visit
when you leave again it makes me want to paint my wrist
with deep red
and to go to sleep in bed
forever

Ben bryant Sep 30

To all my sober friends,

If you were one of my friends during my addiction that I left behind
please forgive me I am sorry.
I wasn't in the right frame of mind

I was too focused on my chaotic life,
I wasn't available to be there for you
please don't judge me based on who I became and what I had to do

Some of you may not understand what it's like on Satan's dance floor
before the devil found me,
remember who I was before

Some of you know the combination to unlock the demon's vaults
knowing the secret to walk away instead of being in a never-ending waltz

To all my sober friends, you possess a strength that I admire
some of you found joy in life again, some of you never fell into the fire

Just don't blame yourself for my actions, I made my own choices
I knew the game, I took the risks and listened to the evil voices

I was once that sober friend who was always getting left out
I could never grasp what hold the drugs had and what they were all about

Embarrassed by the slave I'd become there was only me to blame
I knew all this but still I took his hand and walked right into the flame

It wasn't a conscious decision it was one that was vexed
It was based on who can inflate your ego and where to score next

I could ask anyone who's felt the flames to listen to what I have to say
But addicts hearts won't listen, they always need to learn the hard way

We need proof that it will ruin our lives to the darkest parts of our souls
we need to see it with our own eyes, we need to feel the holes

We broke our promises that we made and took his hand to dance
even though we wanted to rest the devil continued to prance

Dragging us through every waltz, tango and two-step
when we fall he comforts us like a friend he's always kept

All along it was us, we were the ones who needed to let go
I hope you never dance with him, i hope you never know

I pray you never understand, I pray you see me for who I use to be
when I let go of his hand I hope you'll be there waiting for me

Hold out a hand for me, be someone

that makes the  bad things run and hide
not someone that I allow to drag me, be someone who walks beside

You give me the hope that I can be strong and let go of the devil's hand
there is a better life than dancing to the devil's evil band

You're my prayer I say each night before I go to sleep
please know that you crossed my mind when I was in too deep

I didn't want to be embarrassed, if we didn't talk you wouldn't know
if i didn't see you then there would be nothing I had to show

I wouldn't let you down like I let myself down every day
thank you for being who you are, it's for you I pray

Continue being the light because one day I won't be at his command
I will see you again even if you choose not to take my hand

Even if you're not there waiting know that with your help i grew
I hold no loathing towards you, you just did what i could never do

It's not the life I wanted, it's one I wouldn't have picked
with kind regards, from yours sincerely, your friend the drug addict

Makenzee Sep 23

mother spills lies from her wine stained lips; the ones that I used to kiss goodnight.
"I love you," she says, but she'll do it again.
she'll shatter my heart and walk upon the broken glass, bloody feet and wondering where she had deceived me; but she's only deceived herself by shooting up another time.
going to drug deals at only age five, I grew up too fast and there's a world of chaos inside my mind.
the pain lashes out on me like I've been hit on the skin with a rubber band.
my toes sink in the sand and I stare into the ocean of the disease, she's drowning in the water but she knows how to swim.

What the hell did you do with my Meth Pipe, Jewboy!!
Did YOU steal it
Or was it that Sneaky Chinaman
Or was it the Mexican
Who sneaked across the Border
Or did the Muslim Terrorist make off with it?!
I'm gonna' have to get out my Assault Rifle
And hunt people down
Until I find out
Who committed
This Dastardly Crime!

Pearlsmokee2 Sep 4

Fuck Wtf Am iDoing
Making This Worse For My Self
iJust Begun
And Re Picked Up
This iS Were iT Starts.
Should Begin To Worry
iTs Way To Early!
Already On A Thin Line The Last Chapter iN My Life
till My Death Story.
iM Killing Me Slowly
By Taking This Substance.
My Times Ticking
My Hearts Beating
As iContinue To Use
More Like Abuse.
iCant Just Take
1 Line Or Smoke 1 Bowl
And Save The Rest.
iGo All About And Have To Do Every Last Bit.
Then iGo On Again To Finding A Way To Get More Of it.

I Had Just Got out of Rehab.
I Relapsed The second week of being Out.
2014
Pearlsmokee2 Sep 4

Love, What's Love?
The Only Love iVe Experienced
With Are Drugs.

Love, Only The Drugs
iConsume iN My Body.

I Believed Drugs Was The only Thing I Will love for the rest of my life.
Nothing could treat me better Than The poisonous Substances.
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