Open whole heart for you

Cautiously flip every stone so you may view it's front and back

Understand ins and outs

And where surface chips and cracks

Correct me without saying words

Context unnecessary

Highlight favorites
I can catalog your desires in my mental filing cabinet

Your memorable features listed in numerical order in one folder

And when you finally witnessed every nook and cranny
Are done exploring the regions of my body
Brain
Soul
Turn away

Then waltz out of life like a tourist catching the red eye flight home

Maybe I am where I need to be
The reason presently I can't see
Leaves with flourish spring from tree branches
Try to stay above these mental avalanches
Inside I am frozen
Hopeless
Blue
Outside I pretend it isn't true

More than not spend all day in bed
Remarkable how depression works around the clock
By the time I manage to raise my head
Sheep gather to be counted in a flock

If getting the chance to read this
Every day a brand new start
Don't dare give up on a wish
If what you long for in your heart

Seeing you and her together would certainly scathe a lot
It is seeing the epitome of everything we're not
But may be better than not seeing you at all
Except in the photographs hanging on my wall
You sent a message (I haven't bothered to read)
The first three words;
"Amanda I need"
No apology for torturing me bad
That made me pretty mad
I've liked always talking to you
Was on a ledge with a helluva view
But I am determined never to jump
I'm not going to hit the ground with a thump
I will not let you control me anymore
Best way to do that is to ignore
I hate the way I am under your magic spell
There's nothing that can save me from this hell

When pain becomes too great
That pain swallows you whole
Your only scapegoat to blame
Is own forsaken soul

Your mechanism for sleep
Is poisoning your lungs
Be freed of shadows following your feet
All responsibilities and past what you want

When finally you have to fight your fears
In your struggle miss my face
Stay the hell away from here
Complain to heart you didn't break

Our dearest love has fallen
The night arrives the same
Shocked and feeling solemn
For when darkness reclaims
It's an unpleasant surprise
Daily grave planet digs
Towards ground in varying size
Again
Pebbles and twigs
Disturbed a deeper level
Dashing beside fear
Black eyes of the devil
Secrets and lies appear
At dawn grief will linger
Faded heat of the sun
Greater the poison from the stinger
Shine is at point forced to run
Weighed down by loss I am feeling
Our frame anchored to the ground
Burden remains leaving us reeling
Within in blackness does astound
With sharp blow takes the victory
In daylight look for shame
In moon hide what we're scared to see
Have only sadness in us to blame

A cake shared with everybody
Except me

Everyone anticipating slices

So no wishes

No blowing out tiny fires in vain

No spitty frosting
Little traces of yourself embedded deep into the pits of other's stomachs

Instead tie a balloon to wrist

Showing age in slow shuffling

Open ribbon
Unwrap the gift I painstakingly chose for you this year-
NOTHING!

You treat me like minefield
Challenging to navigate
Wrong step will cause me to explode
You take caution with your gait
Got pocketfuls of problems
Neither can seem to fix
Each door we try to open
Leads to wall of bricks
You keep telling me think positively
Optimism is the key to success
When the half-full glass topples over
Still makes the same size mess
Got a fence built between bodies
Separating flaws we don't wish to see
Compatability questionable
Cannot be who you want me to be
Your expectations of me skyscrapers
So high I will never reach the top
To scale distance I'd need to sprout wings
I won't fly because I'm scared of the drop
Good enough worry is not what I am
Painting your colors dark grey
Overhead clouds pour rain and we're drowning
Wouldn't blame you if you decided not to stay

The universe is not as big as it seems
It is bigger

"A setback" is understating

World completely fallen to pieces
It has disintegrated entirely

Opportunity to make new one

Spectacular comeback?
OR
Extraordinary letdown?

The most beautiful lie I ever heard in my entire life

Can I keep hearing again and again?

Inside mind
Waiting in the very back
Teasing all day

Forgot place it originated from
Patiently rested there so long

Where am I with no trace of these words?

Now I am forcefully facing the truth

Calling friend in my time of need

Just crying out to deaf ears

No one listens

They take advantage of what I am missing

Pretty flowers have wilted and died

Butterflies in tummy flew off

Ripping the band-aid off as fast as I could

You strode into life without my permission

So I wonder why it hurts this much to watch you walk out of it

I've never felt whole as I did the moment you murmured those three perfect words

So scary thinking back how many emotions I experienced
You shared none of them

Me
And myself alone felt gravity pulling towards you faster than a magnet springs toward metal

Keeping tears as trophies to put up for show in your mental display case

Waiting for me to topple so you could catch me in your net
A specimen shown off
To use

Everything ruined with the shattering realization that when you said
"I love you"
Were merely lying

It all was a lie

Okay will someone please enlighten me on why I'm so ****** up?

Let's go over it from the beginning

Because I am baffled..

Live as if flying
Good things are coming your way
Goals within your grasp

It's special when I am with you

Special because you are there with me
Not because something is done to make our time together different than when I am with anyone else

To put simply
Each moment with you is a moment worth remembering

Love is crazy

Long lonely nights
Short stories told back and forth on a landline until the battery on the handset dies

We try forgetting days that haunt us like restless ghosts but they linger like the adhesive left when you peel the sticker off the back of a lighter..

And I tried my best
Page lit up with blazing words
Hearts fire explained

Laughing so loudly
Breath short and scarce afterwards
Making jokes to share

Deep in heart there will forever be a place
Existing only to hold the image of your face
I've tried but no words fingers could write
Accurately describe your beauty and light
There always will be a piece of you inside of me
Every time I look into a mirror that's what I see
Through glass familiar lines echo out your name
Traces of you distinctly formed in the woman I became
I speculate upwards to the sky
Wondering where you are
For a brief second heaven doesn’t seem so far
Yearning to go back to when my story was new
I could do things different and change the way I treated you
You spent many years watching me play and grow
Sweating in sun
Shivering in snow
You wore out bones making sure I had it all
Bending backwards to my every beck and call
I'd climb tree branches all the way to the top
Until you witnessed me up there and your heart would drop
Then yell for me to get down
Concerned as hell
I would roll my eyes and comply although I rarely ever fell
I was too youthful to appreciate how much you cared
To comprehend the importance of each memory shared
I recall how you stayed up until dawn
Sewing costumes
Stifling every yawn
Or helping craft projects for school
Hosting sleepovers so I could feel cool
On picture day you would wake up early and curl my hair
Pick out a matching outfit to wear
You stood up for me no matter what
If asked you would be there no ifs, ands, or buts
Like in 6th grade when teacher wanted me to change my shirt in class
The words depicted had (in his opinion) "too much sass"
You and dad drove down and gave him a piece of your minds
He admitted defeat by rules dress code defined
I'll never forget feeling of invincibility
Regardless of situation never failed to put your faith in me
As a teenager began to fued and fight
Didn't value your verdict because I believed I was right
Didn't understand the reason for your overprotective ways
Where you came from
Positive you were out to make me miserable by not letting me have fun
But now I am older I see the picture all too clear
Decisions were based not on my character; but fear
And I'm grateful you loved me enough to insist on saying no
Instead of letting run wild anywhere I wanted to go
It took a decade to forgive you and grow wise
Should have listened sooner so I would have realized
That family is a blessing
Cherish and hold near
Because you never expect someone to disappear
I am guilty of not clutching you tighter while I could
Thanks to you I've lived a life with so much good
You were the best mother in the world
Should have informed you of that more
I keep wishing for everything to be like before
If you viewed me now I know you'd want me to be stronger
I will miss you for an eternity Mom
And love you even longer

What's family mean?
Bottles holding hearts hostage
Won't hold our love back

It's hard waking up every day without you near
What would you say if you were still here?
With darkness comes hope for brighter new day
Search horizons for light your death took away
The shadow absence casts freezes to the bone
But love my heart holds for you makes me feel less alone

Your journey has come to an end
Mourning for a soul no longer here
Love slowly will help wounds mend
In heart presence will never disappear

Stay anonymous
I won't ever be famous
Because all of this